I need to move
Hi everybody. Dh and I have been together 3 years and married for 6 months. We moved into his house since it was closer to his kids. I have a 12 yr old and an 8 yr old both boys. Dh has a 9 yr old girl and a 11 yr old boy. We couldn't live together before marriage because he had a morality clause saying they couldn't have overnights with the kids. Dh insisted on this because he didn't want men in and out of his kids home. Dh has EOW custody of his kids and pays bm child support. He goes to all his activities and gets them during the week. Bm is poor. I mean poor poor. She works at the grocery store and depends on dh's child support. Dh pays more then he should so that his kids can have food and electricity. Bm lives in their former house in a bad neighborhood. The kids are clean and well mannered though. I know poor doesn't equal dirty but to me it kinda does so I want to point out that bm is clean and that her house and kids are clean. Dh pays bm $1500 a month child support. I don't know what is court ordered because he won't answer the question when I have asked. Anyway, last week dh noticed his son had a hole in his shoe and he asked him why he is still wearing it. SS said that bm is looking at the goodwill but they didn't have his size but when they do he will get new shoes. Dh took him to the store and bought him a new pair of shoes. He is such a good dad. Well yesterday we went to get his son for a dinner visit and he was outside in his shoes with a hole in them. Dh asked why he wasn't wearing his new shoes and he said those are his good shoes and not to be played in. He was playing basket ball and he went in and changed. Is this normal behavior for poor people?
So that's our history. Here is my problem. The neighborhood dh lives in is going down. In the last 3 months car break ins have gotten bad, there was a quadruple murder 3 streets down from us and yesterday my oldest was approached on the way home from school to buy drugs and then he was smacked around by this guy. He is afraid to go to school now because he has to walk home. I knew when we moved in with dh that the neighborhood wasn't the best but I didn't expect this. I told dh it might be time to buy a house in a better neighborhood (we rent) and he said no. He doesn't want to move away from his kids. I get that but this area is getting bad and bm isn't going to move. Dh said if he moves he can't be there to help his kids which I get. I'm just worried that I moved my kids and put them in a bad situation. Thanks for listening.
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Comments
WTF??? Why did you get
WTF???
Why did you get married to this guy? I never would've....
He is the bomb diggity! He
He is the bomb diggity!
He is a great guy it's just that our neighborhood is going bad fast and he doesn't see that we need to move.
I'm sorry girl... he's not
I'm sorry girl... he's not the bomb - your safety means nothing to him, your kids safety means nothing to him...
he would rather stay there regardless if your son gets knifed down or not.. just so he can be there for BM and his kids..
nope not a bomb
Is this normal behavior for
Is this normal behavior for poor people?
Sorry I am still laughing at this...
Smart kid, didn't want to ruin his new shoes while playing.
I hope I didn't offend. I
I hope I didn't offend. I would wear the new shoes and toss the ones with the holes right away. Maybe I should have asked if it was a boy thing.
Nope, it is a respectfully
Nope, it is a respectfully "poor" thing.
I always had 'good' shoes for Church and I had 'everyday/play' shoes. I rarely wore my 'good' shoes since I didn't want to risk ruining them. When I got a new pair, they became 'good,' and my prior good shoes became everyday/play shoes. Always running the risk of outgrowing the 'good' shoes.
'Course we also had clothes for school, clothes for Church, and play clothes. My BS does not have that demarcation in his wardrobe. Times and relative finances change.
Completely disagree. My
Completely disagree. My family had money and we still had play shoes and school shoes. It's a common sense thing, not a financial thing.
Right. We are not poor and my
Right. We are not poor and my BS has his play shoes, which are his old shoes and he has school shoes.
My kids just have shoes and
My kids just have shoes and dress shoes for church. I have always figured they should get the most use out of them and when they tear up I buy another pair.
I have "play shoes" that I
I have "play shoes" that I wear at work. They are old, worn out sneakers that I keep in my classroom. There's no way I can make it all day standing on these hard floors and walking up down the steps in nice heels.
Was going to say...we weren't
Was going to say...we weren't poor and had the same thing. School clothes / shoes and play clothes. Maybe today's kids don't play like we did...but we were up and down trees, in and out of creeks, digging in dirt. We knew we had to change before going out to play after school!
I hadn't thought about that.
I hadn't thought about that. We played hard and went on adventures. Thanks for pointing that out.
As an adult, I still have my
As an adult, I still have my "good" tennis shoes and my "yard work" shoes. I buy a new pair and the previous good shoes become yard shoes...
OMG am I poor? haha maybe
Actually, from my experience
Actually, from my experience from several people I have known who are "poor" this was not normal for them. The poor people we knew didn't value thing one that they had. The let their baby sleep without a diaper in their same bed and ruined a 1500 king mattress... clothes, shoes, everything was just not taken care of and abused.
That being said, I imagine that some people who don't have a lot actually will try to preserve the few nice things that they do have. If I were your DH I would spring for a couple of pair of "beater" shoes for the kid. A child should have more than one pair of shoes IMHO.
As far as the neighborhood... I think you need to at minimum work on a plan to keep your kids safe even if it means that they are chauffeured where they need to go.
I've met bm a few times and
I've met bm a few times and she was pleasant but I think she'd show me the door if I asked her these things. I know I would. Maybe dh might be willing if she is. I can ask dh what he thinks.
How far would you have to
How far would you have to move to be in a better neighborhood?
I agree with Acra, I never would have married him and moved into that neighborhood, not with young kids of my own that I am responsible for.
If the crime continues to
If the crime continues to move down then I would want to move north above it about an hour away. The neighborhood wasn't nearly as bad as this or I wouldn't have. They caught the murderer and it was friend related so that could have happened anywhere but it happened so close and I am shook.
You do know that not all poor
You do know that not all poor people are alike, right? And that is pretty awful that you assume that those without money are more likely to be dirty.
Money can't buy class, obviously.
Excuse me for being honest. I
Excuse me for being honest. I pointed out it was my bias and I was sure to point out that bm was clean. The poor people I have known weren't clean and that is why I relate poorness and not being clean. I wasn't picking on her I was making sure I was honest so she wouldn't look bad if others felt the same.
We grew up with clothes and
We grew up with clothes and dress clothes for church. Unless it was church clothes and dress shoes we wore them all the time. We were upper middle class and I do the same with my kids. Unless it's dress shoes or a suit for church they can wear them anytime. I don't think my son owes anyone money. This wasn't a student and ds said he'd never seen him before.
Money also doesn't buy common
Money also doesn't buy common sense. Just because you knew some people that didn't have a lot of money doesn't mean that all people under a certain income bracket are that way. But you didn't come here to debate this kind of thing with me so I'll drop it. And it's funny that your screen name is Gentry. Gentry means "upper class."
Gentry is my name.
Gentry is my name.
I went to high school in a
I went to high school in a town named Gentry. I was wondering if that was where you were. It used to be a great place and it has gone way down hill since we lived there. That's gotta be frustrating to live in an unsafe neighborhood and not be able to move. I live in one of those right now but the rent is so dang cheap and the other suburbs around here are so expensive. So I understand where you're coming from on that one.
Where is that at? I would
Where is that at? I would love to have a shirt with my name on it.
Arkansas.
Arkansas.
I'm poor and clean!
I'm poor and clean!
Oh, be honest AJ... You're a
Oh, be honest AJ... You're a total dirty girl!
(No subject)
}:) }:) }:) }:) }:) }:) }:)
I didn't mean to offend but I
I didn't mean to offend but I can see that I have. Once items get tore I normally trash them so I was surprised to see him playing in shoes with a hole in the bottom of them. I just expected to see his new shoes. Dh over pays his child support for his kids. I know this and I am not upset. I just don't know the original amount. I asked once and he said it didn't matter what the court ordered that he pays bm xx amount because she wouldn't be able to care for his kids otherwise.
Are you getting CS for your
Are you getting CS for your boys? If not, that may be one reason why your husband isn't sharing the details of his CO of you.
I do get child support but
I do get child support but their dad doesn't see them much.
Yeah I was thinking that lol
Yeah I was thinking that lol
It's the same thing as someone not wearing their louboutin's to the bar - instead wearing a basic pair of $20 heals. It's not poor it's common sense lol
If I had Louboutin's I'd wear
If I had Louboutin's I'd wear them everywhere.
Right? I once got a pair of
Right? I once got a pair of used Manolos for cheap on Ebay. I wore them everywhere.
I saved a few bonuses from
I saved a few bonuses from work and bought a pair of louboutins. I never end up wearing them because I'm so scared to scratch up the pretty red bottoms. So I only wear them for work meetings or things where I know I'll be inside most of the time. I probably wouldn't buy another pair, to be honest, just because they do get scratched up so easily.
Dh doesn't think it's gotten
Dh doesn't think it's gotten to bad because the quadruple murder could have been anywhere since it was friend related. The car break ins are teens. They arrest them and then they are right back on the streets. I called the police on the guy that assaulted my son and offered him drugs. Hopefully they can catch him. My co worker suggested I call the drug taskforce and report it to them so i am going to do that.
Yeah seriously don't call.
Yeah seriously don't call. Stay out of it. You don't mess with drug dealers. They aren't good, rational people lol. I think they'd know because if most of the neighbourhood is a lot of the same behaviour... the woman who blatantly looks down on it and says things like "is this a poor people thing?" probably sticks out
This is the first issue we
This is the first issue we have had with drug dealers and the neighbors I spoke with yesterday (on facebook, we have a facebook page) said they haven't seen anything.
So many questions. lol Okay,
So many questions. lol
Okay, I'd never buy my kid $160 shoes. My limit is usually $60 and maybe up to $80 if the kid really likes them. Maybe that is why I don't care that they wear them out. Dh and I have separate finances. I give him a set amount of money every month and then we take turns buying food. He has savings and retirement. What he gives bm doesn't affect me.
I don't know about bm's job.
I don't know about bm's job. I imagine she would tell me it's none of my business. We are friendly with each other but that is about it.
Those are running shoes. They
Those are running shoes. They have converse and boat shoes and those are around $50.
Wait so you moved to the
Wait so you moved to the ghetto where people are getting murdered around you... for a man... and now you're saying you want him and his kids to move away because you and your kids aren't safe??
I think the smartest option would've been not moving there to begin with to be honest. Now you're asking him to uproot his family because you made a choice and now you regret it.
If he doesn't want to move, you need to decide what's most important; staying in the same household as this man or ensuring your children's safety.
It's not the ghetto. This
It's not the ghetto. This murder was friend related and could have happened anywhere but it still bothers me.
Let's say he agrees to move
Let's say he agrees to move to a "good area". Once you're in the ideal community, what are you going to do when your son is offered the drug of choice that is being pushed there?? What will you do when a murder happens?
If you are expecting this man to up and move away from his kids due to RANDOM acts that are not the norm, you will be disappointed.
If you truly think your sons are not safe there, then you have a responsibility to move out regardless of what you husband wants to do.
well 1. I would freak. Isn't
well 1. I would freak. Isn't it normal to get upset over that?
2. I'm afraid it isn't going to be random. The car breakins keep happening and I'm sure it will be worse over summer when the teenagers are bored.
3. I know.
Hot knife smack?
Hot knife smack?
Hot knife is for marijuana
Hot knife is for marijuana
You basically put it between two hot knives and inhale the smoke. I never understood the point of that one....
Weird... It seems wasteful
Weird...
It seems wasteful LOL like half that smoke MUST be going up in the air..... You would think there are better ways of getting your fix
*warning: saracastic comment
*warning: saracastic comment ahead*
By "clean" I guess you mean rich? Or at least, not poor?
*moe goes off to give some soap to poor people, and maybe teach a class in how to use it, because, you know, classism is alive and well*
You're killin' me, Morri.
You're killin' me, Morri.
OMG, I laughed so hard DH
OMG, I laughed so hard DH asked me what was going on! DD3 still informs me, with quite some glee, of each poop performed as I have not yet retired from butt-wiping duties. As I leaned in for my approach earlier today, she informed me that it was a big poop because it was very stinky.
As you can imagine, I was curious.
Moe: Hmmm. So how do little poops smell?
DD: Little poops smell like flowers.
Natch.
I think I gave the impression
I think I gave the impression that we live in the ghetto. We don't. It's an older neighborhood that is going down.
"In the last 3 months car
"In the last 3 months car break ins have gotten bad, there was a quadruple murder 3 streets down from us and yesterday my oldest was approached on the way home from school to buy drugs and then he was smacked around by this guy."
This sounds like a terrifying neighbourhood whether it's the ghetto or not lol
Thank you. That was phrased
Thank you. That was phrased beautifully.
I didn't mean to be offensive
I didn't mean to be offensive and I can see that I have, it wasn't my intention. I am of the use it and toss it mind set. I won't apologize for that. I figure if I spend my money on it you must need it so let's get every cent worth out of it. Shoes (except dress shoes) are used and worn till they tear up and then we get a new pair. Same with clothes.
I have two concerns. One is
I have two concerns.
One is your son and his immediate safety. You need to make sure that he is safe now, not just in a few months if you are able to move. Talk to the school, talk to the police and make sure your son has a safe way to get home. Can he get the bus? Are their 'safe routes' home? (They have them here in some neighborhoods where volenteers watch that the kids get home ok). Could he walk home with some others? Could he stay at school until you or your husband can collect him? Does he need to learn some self defense? You need to come up with some solutions.
My second concern is why your husband has legal obligations that he refuses to divulge to you? You both entered a legal union with your marriage and with that you should both be fully aware of each other legal and financial situations. It does not matter that you keep your finances separate, you still ought to both know each other's situations. Remember that if you do want to know what is in his court order you can get a copy from the court house as it is a public record. Though it would cause a huge argument I am sure if you had to resort to that so hopefully he will just show it to you himself.
Sometimes you read about
Sometimes you read about someone's situation and you wish you could help. And sometimes you just find yourself scratching your head.
Good luck with everything.
Where do you think 'bad guys'
Where do you think 'bad guys' go to do robberies, home invasion? Maybe it's just my neck of the woods, but they pick 'those higher income neighborhoods an hour or so away'.
I'm not particularly sympathetic o your claimed plight. You have been dating this guy for three year, married and living with him for six months. You'll not convince me this neighborhood suddenly went to hell in a handbasket in three lousy months. And I'm no sure why an hour away would be necessary to find a 'better' neighborhood. I'm going to ask, where did you live prior to marrying and moving in? No don't actually tell me exactly where, I mean how far away did you live from your husband before you married? What was your old neighborhood like? Why didn't you address your concerns about his declining neighborhood prior to marrying?
As mother and your children's parent, wasn't it important to address where and how your children would be living before actually moving them? Did you check out the schools and the walk home situation by touring the areas during the times your children might be affected? Did you check out the crime rate, read DH's local newspapers to see what and how 'life' in his neighbor was all about on a day to day basis?
Or did you just rather think once you married, you'd talk DH into dumping his parenting time with his kids for the sake of your kids? I do imagine now actually living in DH's neighborhood it's been an awakening to all your pre-set stereotypes (normal for poor people, dirty/clean blah blah). WTF? You sound like you're being somehow forced to slum it under a bridge with down and out homeless people.
You don't mention how DH's kids get along in this current neighborhood. Do they walk to and from school?
Find an afterschool program for your kids if walking home is a problem. Hire a driver, ask one of your neighbors who also have kids in your children's school about giving them a ride. I'm curious though. Currently with your kid having to walk home, I'm assuming because you and DH are working. So you're 'good' with these young kids being home alone, just not walking to get there? Kinda contradicts all the stated fear of the 'horrible' neighborhood claim.
I find it shocking that you
I find it shocking that you were willing to move your young children into horribly dangerous neighborhood just to be with a man. No man is worth to endanger my child.
Plus your DH is dishonest-unwilling to disclose financial info to his wife.
So you judge who is poor and who isn't snd who is clean and shoes they wear yet you made very unintelligent hasty decisions in marrying someone you dont truly know (how do you not know what he pays in CS) and you didn't even investigate what you area you were moving to. With kids!
Are you very young or something? I can't imagine grown people doing such things.
I do agree there should be
I do agree there should be full disclosure in marriages. I have a hunch though that OP could figure it out pretty easily. She does know what he pays ($1,500 a month). Looking her state's laws/guidelines and using the state's CS calculator would give her a pretty close figure as to if and how much he is supposedly overpaying.
And if BM is as poor poor as OP claims (" Bm is poor. I mean poor poor. She works at the grocery store and depends on dh's child support. Dh pays more then he should so that his kids can have food and electricity.") , I would think BM with two children qualifies for food stamps and free school lunches...that she and kids wouldn't starve if not for OP's husband giving BM extra for food as OP indicates.