Living apart
Hi everyone,
Dh and I lived together until 4 weeks ago when my son was jumped at school. The area dh lives in to be close to his kids is getting bad. My son was approached to buy drugs in the neighborhood and then he was jumped at school. That was my hard line. I can't raise my kids like that. So I told dh I was moving and asked him to move with us. He said he no because his kids lived close by. So I moved across town to a really nice area that would put my kids in a great school system. I still travel to work but it is the same distance as before. If dh decides to live with us his commute to work would be closer than it is now. He helped move us into our new house and he seemed to really like it. I'm hoping he will decide to move with us but so far he hasn't. I've refused to go back to his side of town and if he wants to see me then we can meet some where for date nights or he can come here. I won't bring my kids there again. We've seen each other 3 times since we moved in and last night I found out he changed custody with bm from him having every other weekend to every other week. That means even less time we will see each other. He waited 3 weeks to tell me and only because I questioned why I heard them in the background. Bm is going to school online and needs the quiet so he is keeping them. When I ask dh when he will come out and see me he tells me I know where her lives and he traveled to see me more than I have to him. I've tried to explain I don't feel safe bringing my kids there and he says his are fine there and so will mine be. I feel like my marriage is falling apart.
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What? How can you say it made
What? How can you say it made no sense? She put her kids first. You find something wrong with a safe neighborhood, no one offering her kid drugs, her kids not being assaulted? What part of that makes no sense? It makes no sense that her DH doesn't want those same things for his own children. What would you have said if she didn't take her kids out of this terrible situation?
Never mind. I just can't.
Never mind. I just can't.
Ugh, check your damn PM
Ugh, check your damn PM messages.
ETA: It's just too funny how you LOOOVVEE to be right!
yep
yep
Your children's safety should
Your children's safety should be paramount. I wonder why he wouldn't want to try to give his kids a chance at spending time in a better neighborhood?
He is trying to tell you that your kids will be "fine" but you need to remind him that you already tried it and your son was assaulted. THAT is not acceptable to you and you do not plan on going to that area due to the dangers your children have faced there.
I have seen firsthand the effects of drugs on a family and would not want to put my child in an environment where I knew that was being pushed on him or where he was subject to violent bullying.
Gentry I am so proud of you
Gentry I am so proud of you for doing the right thing for you and your kids, you are a true mother and if this man can not see it, then you are better off without him, sorry about that, but he clearly shows you his ex wife and children are more important then you and yours...
He's doing what he thinks is
He's doing what he thinks is best for his kids and you are doing what you think is best for your kids. Nothing wrong with that.
Yes kids can get drugs
Yes kids can get drugs anywhere and there are fights in every school but to try to act like things in affluent neighborhoods are equal to things in low end neighborhoods is certainly pulling the wool over your own eyes. There is a large difference between a fight and a gang fight, I'm sure she didn't move her kids out of her home with her husband because crime wasn't bad in her area, I'm sure it has to be more hood than just a few minor school kid fights.
My skids BM pulled this too.
My skids BM pulled this too. She was doing an online class to work for a cruise line. No idea what it entailed. But we had to get the kids extra. Meanwhile, I was working 10hrs a day and working going to school for my Bachelors full time. Oh, and she wasn't working but for some reason couldn't do her online work while the kids were in school all day???
I feel for OP but I think this relationship has run it's course.
Yep! He is paying full child
Yep! He is paying full child support so he doesn't feel guilty about his kids. I told him if she is that bad off then he needs to file for full custody but he doesn't want to upset his kids. He is all about his kids and not his marriage thats for sure. There has been no booty call and there will not be one until we get an "our" schedule worked out.
I got both undergrad and grad
I got both undergrad and grad degrees while working full time. And not online. Online degrees are a joke. I doubt BM is in Harvard though. Most likely community college at best.
But regardless things like life standards needed to be discussed prior to marriage. I personally wouldn't stay married if I lived separately. If I live separately I want to be single. If DH chooses to stay in
A bad area, oh well. I'd live my own life,
Good decision on your part!
If students don't even have
If students don't even have anyone to watch them taking exams, such degrees can't possibly have much validity . Professors didn't even question it? and she supposed to proctor, yet she didn't? Ok now.
Agitate? What's there to
Agitate? What's there to agitate about? If you feel agitated, it certainly wasn't my intent. I simply don't find what you described a valid method of obtaining higher education. But you don't have to agree. It's ok to have a different opinion. No need to get that upset over this.
Different programs have
Different programs have different requirements for testing and such.
TBH, in many classes, it's possible for other people to perform the work that is turned in.. papers, projects etc... A lot of it is up to the individual's ethics.
BTW... if you are supposed to have a degree.. yet know nothing about your subject matter, your employer will figure it out. haha.
Yup, same here. I took
Yup, same here. I took online and classes room instruction for my Bachelor's. I'm now working on my Master's via distance learning. I got a better job just 3 months after getting my Bachelor's making 9k a year more.
Online degrees are a joke?
Online degrees are a joke? Wow, that is a craptastic, very one sided view.
Some programs are a joke, but
Some programs are a joke, but there are some really good distance learning programs too. It takes research to figure it out and make sure you aren't wasting your money.
ESMOD- I get what you are
ESMOD- I get what you are saying, my response is to livingoutloud broad statement that all online degrees are a joke.
Gentry - it seems like you
Gentry - it seems like you are at an impasse with DH. Why even be married if you live separately? What is the benefit of having two homes and a "visitation marriage"? That has never made sense to me. Are you thinking that you can have a wonderful relationship after his obligation to the children is done when they turn 18? It will NEVER be done, 18 is no magic number, trust me, they will always be his precious snowflake progeny, his number 1's, and BM will always trump everything else, unless DH realizes that his life is better with YOU in it.
You have a very long number
You have a very long number of years before these kids (both sets) are out of school and leaving home.
Your DH isn't budging. You're not budging. It's only been a month. It's not just the school district for your kids. It's his neighborhood, period. If it's not particularly safe for the kids to attend school during daylight hours, I doubt it's overly safe to go visiting in during the evening hours.
I would think with school about to be getting out for summer, there would be plenty of homework free evenings and weekends where DH could come and bring his kids to your home to visit and spend time. Even if he now has his kids week on/week off. It doesn't matter if Mom is doing online school or attending campus...he would not have agreed to having the kids 50/50 if he did not want them in his home that often.
He likes where he lives. He doesn't mind his kids attending the current school district. He wants his children 50% of the time. He wants to give his ex full CS plus whatever extra he does (that he refused to reveal to you). None of these things are being forced onto him. He was under the indication that once you married you were moving in with him. You changed the 'rules' (and yes, I believe you made the right decision to move you and your kids across town).
We have another member here who recently married only to find she could not live in the house (a house she helped pay for. Different reasons why than your reasons, but hers are very valid reasons just as your reasons are. She's still trying but seriously considering divorce. IMO, it's time for you to sit and think long and hard what you are willing to compromise on and what you just possibly can not (in the best interest of not just you but also your minor children).
If you're going to try and remain married, you and DH are going to have to both make compromises. If no compromise fair and reasonable to both of you can be reached, it's time to admit a mistake was made and move on. He's not leaving his neighborhood, he's not going to go back to EOWE with his kids and he doesn't appear to care how legitimate your concerns are.
So this woman breaks up her
So this woman breaks up her marriage because the area is so bad she doesn't want her kids living there but you want her to head back over there at night to work on her marriage? Huh?
I moved because I don't feel
I moved because I don't feel the environment is safe for my kids so why would I bring them back there to spend the evening and night? Her comment doesn't make sense to me either.
Who said you had to take
Who said you had to take your kids there? Surely they spend time with their dad, grandparents, friends, family members....
So ship the kids off and go spend time with your husband. Since he has found the time to visit with you, you should be willing to do the same.
@ Sueu2 You know sometimes
@ Sueu2
You know sometimes you nail things so beautifully and then other times, well I digress, but please tell me did you want her over there on her lunch hour to work on the marriage or perhaps in the mornings before she gets her kids off to school would be better for you? Crime has no zip code or time zone.
She is rightly blaming her husband for not getting her out of a crap neighborhood and not putting her safety, her children's safety and her sanity as a priority in his life.
You really don't have to talk to people like they are idiots because they don't agree with your righteousness.
I don't think the blame goes
I don't think the blame goes on her DH to the extent being laid.
She dated and was serious with this guy (who lives now where he did at the start)for 2 and a half years prior to marriage. The plan was once married she and her children would move in with him in his neighborhood. She married him eight months or so ago (separately for one month of that 8mo). I'm not going to buy the neighborhood and the school district went to hell in a handbasket that fast and to that degree in six months.
Because of a court order clause in her (then) fiancé's custody agreement, she did not do overnights nor live with fiancé until after marriage. She moved in is afraid of the neighborhood and her child had bad experiences in the school. She upped and fled. FWIW, I would have fled too.
Her husband doesn't agree with her that his neighborhood is so awful nor the school that bad. After-all, he and his kids live there and do ok. Now because of her and her children's experiences in the neighborhood she refuses to go back to even visit her husband. Her choice. FWIW, I can't honestly blame her, but this is the every same neighborhood she spent 2 and a 1/2 years visiting. So I can understand the man is coming from too.
He isn't going to up and move. He's made it clear. She isn't moving back. She's made that clear. Whether anyone here agrees with him or not, this is his home, his children's home, where his kid's friends are blah blah. He didn't change the 'rule' of where they must live if they married, she did (and yes, understandable why).
He isn't willing to chase after his wife. She isn't willing to come visit in the neighborhood. Both are saying no compromise.
So why blame the man for what has occurred? This just was not thought out well and OP seriously underestimated her ability to live with what she had agreed to. She thought she could, She tried. I'm sure the "I do" would have never been exchanged had they both known then what they both know now.
None of this makes him a bad guy who doesn't (didn't?) love his wife, wants to put her in danger and to hell with her safety. She just found out too late his idea of neighborhood , home and feeling safe is world's apart from her ideas of the same.
Since you're so snazzy, try
Since you're so snazzy, try reading again, only read what is actually written, and maybe you will catch on, lol, because I didn't actually address you in my comment.
@Sueu2 ---I didn't address
@Sueu2 ---I didn't address you in my original comment, I asked a question about your post. My eye sight is fine but you might have your asshol* checked out because you are letting it all hang out all over this post. I can only guess you must really, really care what I think because you just keep coming back to attempt to put me in my place over and over.
Perhaps the man has lived
Perhaps the man has lived there long enough that he does not fear the community.
If his kids have not had an issue with drugs, gangs, fights....then it's possible that his views on the community are not the same as the OPs.
I see how many people marry
I see how many people marry first and discuss important things second. Should be the other way around
I think you just need to let
I think you just need to let this relationship finish fizzling out and go on your way with your kids. Sometimes it just doesn't work out.
I spent 16 years working in a
I spent 16 years working in a 911 center. Yes there are neighborhoods with lots of
Crime
And drugs and violence. The percentages are so high that they get their own police substations and assigned
Officers. Some neighborhoods you can't walk 5 feet without seeing a drug deal. You can't send an officer in there Without backup. I work in the utility industry and a guy from the meter shop was pistol whipped while changing out a meter and robbed. Pizza delivery guys get robbed and left for dead in ditches. Drive
By shootings. Toddlers drowning in black abadnonded pools with no fences and code endorcent doing nothing until it's too late. Would I live in that neighborhood with my kids? Nope. No man is worth that. Sure bad things happen in the good neighborhoods too but they happen hourly in the bad ones
So if pizza guys won't deliver to your neighborhood for safety issues, you need to move. And I think if your husband has the resources to get his kids out of there then he should
Have done the same as you
I totally understand this
I totally understand this ladies situation because it happened to my aunt, she married a man and when they married his house was in an okay area of Houston, not the best area but certainly not the worst either. Since he was a cop she didn't have many worries about it. Fast forward 4 years later after hurricane Katrina and the entire area was changed, and she wanted to move but he refused to leave the house, she was left with no choice after the murder at the end of her residential street but to get her kids out. They divorced and she now lives in a nice suburb of Houston.
There are often so many
There are often so many factors in play to make marriage succeed. I could see how refusal or desire to move could cause a divorce. I know people who wanted/needed to move out of state or out ifcoubtry and their spouse wouldn't, so people either make a sacrifice or they divorce. Depends on severity of situation and priorities.
At the same time (not your aunt's situation) there are many women who would sacrifice a lot including their self-respect and often safety of their children so they can have a dick. Not even talking about saving good marriage , but just simply fighting to have a man, doesn't even matter how horrible he is and how awful is the whole situation, as long as he is a man. Those are the saddest stories.