this site has been a godsend for me. First and foremost, no matter what people are trying to say, if you don't have a strong bond with SD, you will not see her as equal to your own children. Very good to see dh seems to understand how it will be. Truthfully, if she was/is competing with you for dh's attention and affection she will probably do the same when you have a child and it may create more tension between you and SD. But, as long as you and dh maintain communication you will get through it. I have 2 ss's one I love and care for like I do my own Bio son's. The other, sees me as an enemy and we have problems. I care for him in a sense that I don't want bad to happen to him and he is a part of the love of my life. I have disengaged, especially after our daughter was born, because all that was happening was I was miserable. People assume because we are women we should instantly be "mom" to some of these kids. We aren't expected to be best buds with everyone we meet so why is THAT expected? Yes, some step parents are obnoxious, but so are Bio parents, step kids, Bio kids and PEOPLE in general!

I think you can separate your feelings for a future child from this child's feelings motivations and agendas. The fact is, even biological children can be rude, ungrateful and lazy. But because stepparenting has inherent limits, your resentment comes from not being able to effectively improve this your SD's habits and behavior. It's like going to war in a Yugo with a toy gun.

I used to work at a day care center in a very rough neighborhood. I worked with preschoolers whose home lives were often either with great parents just working their tails off, or some parents with serious issues. Those issues would play out in the children's behavior, and it made some of them less likeable than others. It didn't excuse their behavior but it made me think I was not going to be their savior, but I sure as hell wasn't going to add to their problems. It is conceivable that their time in day care was actually 8 hours of not suffering in a pretty insufferable life. So the biters, the criers, the brats were my specialty. I would get assigned to them. Not because I had some magic or because I thought they were angels, but just because I was determined to give them 8 hours of an adult acting right, teaching them right, and not judging them for their past or their parents' present.

I guess what I'm saying is you can still be a "friend with knowledge" to your SD. You don't have to be a replacement mom. You can like her when she's likeable, you can root for her, you can handle her behavior in a pattern of discipline agreed on by your Husband and you. But don't fool yourself into thinking that your future children will never be lazy, difficult or rude, or share your hobbies because you share DNA . They will misbehave, but you will have the full arsenal to react and free will to enforce your values.

As far as treating your biokids the same with resources, activities and etc. The basics should be the same. Your feelings may not be, and there will be little variations, I definitely buy my kid more basic things from my salary but both kids have an equal standard of living. Think of this example- rich celebrity has children out of wedlock them marries and has children in wedlock. Should children of the same parent have different basic life circumstances just because of the order and circumstances of their birth, over which they have no control? We may think of some kids as illegitimate and some kids as products of a loving union, but I think God sees them all as deserving of care and discipline.

Oh Fransica, my heartstrings are pulled!!! You are doing great at finding out your role in your blended family! Congratulations!
Your DH sounds fantastic and VERY understanding. I'm lucky I also have a supportive DH. Mine admits he wants me to be a replacement mother for his son, but is beginning to understand I just don't have the ability to be bonded to SS10.
I think Estrella1975 gave some sound advice about your in-laws and your family. Have DH tell your in-laws what he expects of them with you and your SD and that your children with DH are just as important as SD! (I would have been crushed to hear they think SD is a bigger priority! I'm sorry that happened.) I think standing up to your family is also important. Telling them "this is MY life and my DH have an agreement about how we are going to live in our blended family." Start cutting them off or end conversations when they are giving you advice about SD.
I will say that I regret not getting counseling BEFORE the birth of my BD1. Introducing a baby to a blended family creates some serious jealousy issues and can make stepkids feel left out. The changes EVERYONE has to go through with a new baby can create crisis in a family. I would suggest talking as a family about what kind of things you ALL expect, desire and need from each other when a baby comes into the picture. Your SD is creeping up on teenage years...she could be a great teen, but rebellion yrs are necessary to help 'get the bird out of the nest.' My SS10 is dipping his toes in the rebellion stage and it has been harder to show him that we care and love him when he fights his responsibilities. He says we are always oogling over the baby and yelling at him about what he hasn't accomplished yet (it's his own damn fault, but he's a kid and doesn't have our matured thought processes, yet).
I have had some chats with DH more recently about my feelings and about his expectations of me as a SM. To him, his "son is everything" and without him (SS is claiming to others he's suicidal and severely depressed, so this kinda hits home here) he would "not be the man [you] know [me] as now." It's not like I wish his son away! I know they are a package deal...but like you, I will love my biokids more than SS and I am not able to love SS like my DH wants me to. I don't know if my husband sometimes forgets we have a daughter when we're fighting...but his word choices royally suck at times. I always have to cool off for a few days before I can readdress my concerns with his words.
I posted a few days ago asking others how to cope with my SS and my resentment. I haven't read Stepmonster yet and asked for it for Christmas from DH (hoping he realizes I'm not alone). I plan to have everyone in the house read it! But some women advised that I be compassionate and disengaged. To be myself, and view my relationship role with my SS like a babysitter. To remember that SS does not have an adult brain that thinks logically. (I like that sentence much more than 'he's just a kid.')
Again, I think you are doing great! Love reading your posts and seeing how much our SK's are alike and how our views are developing. Good luck with your family and DH's family!

I think you are going to be just fine. Remember that first year is always the worst.

Now by just fine I do not mean life will be perfect. It never is. You are learning now what you are capable of. It sounds like your DH is very understanding.

You may learn to love your SD very, very much. But maybe not. Probably not. You almost certainly will never love her like you love your own when you have them. But you sound like a nice, caring person. You will not be mean or blatantly unfair to your SD.

Stepping back it looks like most of the issues come from trying to do something that is impossible. You are not her mother. You can be a "mother figure" to her but you will never be her mother. Don't beat yourself up over that.

Dear Fransica, APPLOGIES IN ADVANCE FOR THE LENGTHINESS AND DIGRESSING INTO MY OWN ISSUES A BIT.

I'm new to this forum. I've been reading it for a couple months, but this is my first post.

I feel like we are living the same life except that SD9's mother is a part of her life and unfortunately mine and my husband's.

My DH has full custody and we now live in a different state than BM. So, not only am I dealing with all the things you're dealing with, I also have to deal with the emotional implications of SD9's relationship with her BM. What really bothers me is that way before I came along BM traumatized SD at the age of six by having a public fight with my husband at his work and proceeded to smash her car into his repeatedly with SD in the car. Then physically abused DH and just after DH rips his daughter out the car she drives off and purposely crashes into a telephone post. She never intended to take her daughter out of the car before doing that.

It that was just the cherry on top. Their marriage was 8 years of her claiming to be a stay-at-home mom, but never doing anything except doing drugs and sleeping all day. She completely neglected her kids (she also has a son). It was so bad that at the age of five and six SD had to find her own food to eat. My husband worked double shifts as the only income generator to support his family and she squandered all of their savings on her own "extracurricular activities".

Now getting to my point of why I'm pissed about my SD's relationship with BM. Not only do I feel BM doesn't deserve to have any kind of relationship with SD, she's all of a sudden trying to be the perfect mom now that I'm in the picture. About 9 months before I came along BM never had any interest in seeing or talking to SD. But one month after she found out about me she suddenly became very interested in being apart of SD's life and in turn making our lives hell. And it's been that way ever since. For a while BM had to be supervised when SD visited (while we were still living in the same state). But the supervisor was her mother who is an alcoholic.

So, enter me who helps SD with her homework, teaches her how to bathe herself properly, helps pick out appropriate clothes to wear to school (she kept wearing the same raggedy track pants--and YES she wouldn't shower, comb her hair, brush her teeth or wear clean clothes unless we said so!!!), prepare healthy meals for her, encourage her to read everyday, etc etc. And BM gets to be fun mom sending her money when she has a good report card (that I helped her achieve), sends her cards weekly saying how much she loves her and misses her and says little subtle things to remind SD who her mother is, plans all these fun activities for them when she visits.

My DH, like yours, is an amazing guy and totally supports me and how I feel (I'm not shy so I've never held back on expressing my feelings about our situation). He supports me, tries to understand and accepts my feelings about our situation, makes ample time for just us and doesn't encourage SD to wedge herself between us whenever we are being affectionate with one another. He also convinces me that when SD is old enough to understand this situation she'll realize who the real parent is. It's comforting to hear but it still hurts. It's also comforting that DH hates and I mean HATES BM with a passion because of all that she's done, so that I never have to worry about their forced relationship with one another. But knowing that DH has to keep in contact with BM because they have a kid together, and BM, despite all the horrible, incriminating things she's done, still gets to see her daughter and they have to discuss arrangements, burns me to my very core.

Now for the paradox. I too do not feel connected to my SD because she isn't mine. Nor do I want to treat her as such. We have a good relationship and she's a pretty good kid (except that we constantly have to be on her with what I consider to be basic, common sense stuff, which I'm coming to realize is not the case with a 9 year old---they're still pretty clueless). I just feel torn between wishing she wasn't with us full time or just not here at all or even worse sent to live with her all-of-a-sudden so dedicated mother, and feeling like an inadequate parent because no matter how good of a parent I am to SD, her mom will always be her mom. I feel that maybe all that will go away once I have my own kids and I know that I will not treat SD and my kids equally. My kids will get preferential treatment (mostly with respect to affection and attention). And I've made this clear to DH already. Just not sure what to do with this mixed mess of emotions. Do I feel jealous because I'm not her mother and her screw of mom gets all the glory, or do I detach myself altogether because I don't really want to treat her like my own anyway due to my lack of feelings for her?? Looks like you have the upper hand there, in that your feelings are straightforward. You don't feel anything for her and that's that. It's hard to accept because you feel guilty, I totally get that because I feel that way to. But at least you don't have to compete with her mother and feel rejected because of the natural bond they have despite doing all the things her mother should be doing.

Hearing your story though makes me feel better. I'm not the only one. I've also had to deal with the jealous feelings of having to share DH with what I always refer to as "the other woman". SD doesn't go out of her way very often (anymore) to wedge herself between us but sometimes she wants to be the center of attention, which is annoying. Most likely it's just a kid thing in general but it's less tolerable because I don't really want her there in the first place.

I also have the book Stepmonster and was just finishing another book before starting it. I'm looking forward to reading it based on the good things I've heard about it.

Thank you Fransica for helping validate my feelings and knowing that there is someone else out there dealing with the same BS. What I keep telling myself is that I'm part of this mess because of my husband, but he's worth it. I'm sure you feel the same way too.