So I knew my wife, BM would crack...
This is a continuation from a post I had a couple of weeks ago about me buying a new home for my family and giving my SD the small bedroom because she did not deserve the big bedroom, that MY daughter got. Anyway my wife approached me last night and said she really wanted to talk to me about this and I said what is there to talk about. She said she understood that SD has been doing everything wrong and especially about the lying in court and how I should be upset with her but that she feels she is at fault for raising her this way to which I said..."It is both you and her fathers fault". She agreed but then asked could you please see your way clear to not take it out on her...it's not her fault solely, I am partly to blame. I said you see...this is why she is NEVER going to learn anything about responsibility or reprecussion, because YOU let her off the hook for everything. There is always some excuse or reason...well I have some news for you...THATS NOT HOW IT WORKS IN THE REAL WORLD!!! She says I know but I just feel so bad for her...I said WHY? She gets everything she wants and does whatever she wants...what could you possibly have to feel bad about? So I asked my wife, did she ask you to come talk to me about the bedroom...she said yes. I said why didn't she come to me to talk about it? She thinks you hate her? I said Bullshit...she knows she can't get away with that crap with me THATS why she came to you. So she gets angry and says well by punishing her you are punishing me to which I said GOOD maybe you will BOTH learn about reprecussions for your actions then, yours being this bratty child you raised..she is like this because of you and her father and I need to deal with it? No sir...sorry...wasn't raised that way. You do your chores your get your allowance...you mess up, you get punished...you get good grades you get rewarded. I mean no one shows up at work does a shitty job and expect to keep getting paid right? lmao Needless to say SD wasn't happy with this conversation and now is telling BM that maybe she should go live with BD...GOD PLEASE FROM HER LIPS TO YOUR EARS!!!
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Just reading your post made
Just reading your post made me feel frustrate for you. I applaud you for standing up for yourself. I'm kind of lost for words though. WTF do you do in this situation!?! I imagine it's hard to know your wife feels bad and your SD is using guilt to really lay it on thick. It would be good if SD could come to you and discuss this so your DW wouldn't have to be in the middle but then again I think it must feel like YOU'RE the one in the middle sometimes, trying to please both DW and SD. Aghh I just really feel for you.
I wonder if SD feels there is favoritism going on towards your BD and that also encourages her acting out and lying. Even if it's completely imagined or exaggerated on her part. Or sometimes, we as adults, don't see it. None-the-less..it's nice to see you saying it how it is.
Thanks Misfit...and to give
Thanks Misfit...and to give you a little background SD was the only child in my life for years before my daughter was born. I've always treated her like she was my own, although her father is very active in her life. But since day one i've been up front with both BIO parents that I was there to help in anyway needed..I was told that they were the parents and that whatever needed to be done they would handle it to which I responded that is fine, HOWEVER if there is something that happens that directly affects me OR my family to be, and it is not dealt with by either of you that I would deal with it. Fortunately it has never had to come to that. As for favoritism, I actually pride myself on the fact that I have a set of rules to be followed by everyone in my house and they are enforced exactly the same. SD is actually a GREAT big sister and loves her siblings, thank God and doesn't even know what favoritism is because of this I believe. Of course i'm worried now with the new house and her getting the smaller room she may be resentful, but my wife and I have talked to her about this and explained why. I'm not stupid enough to believe she won't feel like that but we have made it clear, nothing is to be done to BD out of anger about the room situation. If she has a problem to talk to us about it. So far no difference in their relationship but it might be different once we move in...hope that is not the case!
If she acts up after you
If she acts up after you move in, stand your ground and she will be punished according to what she does. My sd was completely ticked when i bought the new house. BUt my sd doesn't live iwth us, comes whenever she feels like it and demanded a room. She wanted the masterbedroom and my hsuband laughed her off. Our son got a room and the third room will be for the baby. She didn't get her way , she acted out but of course directed at her dad over the phone and she stated then she didnt' like the new house. I told her its ok, you dont live here. So if you dont like it, that is just fine.
I do not reward bad behaviour myself and neither does my hubby.
so stand your ground against your wife. I'm surprised but not at the same time. Most guilt parenting adults do this and you did the right thing to tell off yoru wife
Thanks Angel...trust me I
Thanks Angel...trust me I will stand my ground!
The best advice I can give
The best advice I can give you, after reading all of your blogs, is to please read my most current blog. I honestly read through all of your blogs, trying to get to know you as best I can before I respond to you. My first reaction was that you are being pretty harsh. But I didn't want to throw that out there without knowing your background and situation.
I do understand why you are upset with your SD over Court. It sounds like your wife was very hurt, as were you. I worry about your SD though, she sounds as if she is very confused. Do you have her in counseling?
Then I read the blog about you wanting to buy a new house but didn't think your SD deserved to live in a nice new home. Really? Do you really think that this 11 year old little girl doesn't deserve to live in a new home? Is it just because she's on the spoiled side? Which isn't her fault by the way, it's your wife's. But you know and acknowledge that.
I do hope that you'll read my blog, because it's exactaly what I want to say to you.
I feel the need to say that I also have a BD who is 2. I do spoil her. I love her to peices and she's the last child I'll have. She's DH's also. So her and I have a special connection and I know it'll always be there. I will do anything I can to make my daughter happy. Yes, she will probably grow up on the spoiled side, she'll always know she can come to her mommy for anything and if I can do anything for her I will. If something were to happen to DH and I (which can never happen, I'm just saying) and I found someone else, they would have to fully understand right off the bat that mine and her relationship would not change a bit. Like it or not, my daughter is my heart and nothing will change that. Maybe that's how your wife feels?
Take care and I hope everything gets better very soon for everyone involved.
StepmomJen...I just read
StepmomJen...I just read your post and honestly have not had time to read you blog but will most definitely when I have a chance. And while I understand there is a bond between bioparents and their children, like you and your daughter, I believe that wanting to do and give things to your child is not spoiling them, however when it turns into a situation of the child being able to dictate control over the parent and is actually doing damage to a childs ability to be reprimanded and held accountable for their actions, I believe that is a problem. Also to clarify, I didn't say she doesn't deserve a new home, but that she does not deserve the big bedroom. I would be a pretty bad stepparent if I told my wife I wanted to buy this great big house and not have her daughter come live with us (although sometimes i think it would be easier, just being honest). I could say that she's only there half of the time and doesn't need the bigger room for reasons x,y and z. But I told her honestly, that the reason she wouldn't get the big room is because she has not done what it takes to earn the big room. I told her she never cleans her current room (which she shares with my daughter), does her bed, take her laundry down to the wash room...all chores that she is suppose to do (none of which I think are too demanding of an 11 year old btw). She takes out all of her toys and leaves them on the floor of the room now and waits for her mother to clean which, while i've told my wife not to do that, she continues to do it. My daughter has shown herself to be the responsible child out of the two...at half of her sisters age, she plays nicely, cleans up, makes her bed, etc etc...she even turns out the light when older sister leaves the room in the morning for school because older sister "forgets"(which is EVERY morning). I don't see what I've done as a slight to SD but more a reward to BD for doing what she should be doing, and what she is told to do.
Okay, sorry I misunderstood
Okay, sorry I misunderstood what you were saying. Sometimes it's hard to see the total picture on here, know what I mean? I totally understand about her not doing what she should, and not deserving the big room. I mean, you would want to reward your BD for doing good! But of course you wouldn't reward someone for doing the opposite.
I go through this same situation with my own Bio son. He's very unresponsible, "forgets" everything all the time, get called from the school weekly, etc. And it's not from a lack of punsihment. I'm on his ass 24-7. I refuse to give up though, I'll fight him as long as I need to make sure he grows up to be a responsible man, or atelast I'll try anyways.
My SD on the other hand is very responsible, she is a great child. I reward her all the time while my bio son looks on jealous and spiteful because he thinks I favor her. I've explaine time and time again I would favor him just as much if he acted the way she does!
Some kids are just so hard to get through to. Your SD sounds that way.
Good luck and make sure to keep me posted on how everything is!
I think, it sounds like the
I think, it sounds like the SD is attempting to manipulate the adults and control the household. That is too much power for a child to have, it is not healthy for ANY of you.
It doesn't matter what the mom has allowed in the past, she is also responsible for preparing her child to survive without her! in the real world. It sounds like a competition between this child and the stepparent, who the mom wants to be with most? which sounds like the mom needs to set boundaries, IF she is willing - if not, then you know! I personally would be mad to even have the mom intervene like this, is she not also the mom of the full time child? WTF?
The best offer I can think of you could make is: maybe if you explain what she needs to do, and she does behave better, they can take turns having the larger room, year for year? if they both live there full time, that seems fair. If SD is only there part of the time, too bad, the full time child gets the better room - common sense, right?!!
If she wants to move out if she cannot get her way, I would say Ok!! Good luck with this!! and let us know
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"What luck for rulers that men do not think."
Adolf Hitler (1889 - 1945)Steve, I hear you and have
Steve, I hear you and have been very understanding especially since shes a young girl about to become a young woman soon with her homrones raging and mood swings happening HOWEVER I've known this girl to be this way since she was 5 and I've seen no improvement..if anything she is now more cunning and deceitful than ever as she has learned how to finegal even more guilt out of BOTH parents. Until THEY step up and do what is necessary I honestly feel I have to protect my family from this. And know that i'm not opposed to helping her and rooting her on to be successful, but I WILL NOT do it on her terms. That is counterproductive.