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Detachment rocks!

evilstepmotherJ's picture

Submitted by evilstepmotherJ on Fri, 01/17/2014 - 5:31am

My SD19 who mostly wants nothing to do with DH and I texted me the other day, apparently her and her BF want to go on vacation to the same place we took her and a friend to many years ago and she wanted to know the name. How she can afford a vacation is beyond me, although I guess it's easy to have extra cash when you are living rent free with your bf's parents. But anyway, I fought back the urge to help and replied "sorry I can't remember", her texts kept coming, and even though I could easily find her a place at that beach town (been going there for over 20 years) I kept my replies vague and polite. I couldn't help but giggle when on my own I checked out the realtor for the area and saw "Renters must be at least 25 years old and show proof of age".

The good thing about her texts was that it reminded me that I had not yet scheduled DH's and I's anniversary vacation so I booked a week for us while I was thinking about it. The lady asked me if we would be bringing any kids and got a resounding NO.

When we did go with SD and her friend years ago they slept all day (why bother going to the beach) and DH made us tiptoe around each morning. We would come back after a day at the beach to a completely trashed condo. Never again will SK's join us. DH jokingly asked if SS (15) could come and got a HELL NO.

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Westtexan3's picture

Submitted by Westtexan3 on Fri, 01/17/2014 - 8:03am

:jawdrop: I just joined steptalk a few minutes ago out of frustration and desperation. This certainly isn't the first time that I've resorted to combing the internet for advice on how to be a better stepdad. After reading a few posts, it hit me that I've got to stop trying to shoulder all the burden for the relationship with my SD16 being an utter failure. I've been beating myself mercilessly for this and feeling like a horrible person for not being able to connect with my DW's daughter. I admittedly brought an undue portion of this disappointment on myself because I try to be Supermandadhusband about everything. "I'll take care of it" or "I've got it covered" being my favorite sayings, and I follow through too, but enough is enough. Thank you so much for sharing the relief you experienced from using a level of disengagement with your skids. It might sound ridiculous, but I would've never thought of doing this, and now I have some parameters and advice to follow. I'm going to test the waters here, but I honestly think that me backing away from my SD16 will have a positive affect on the entire family. Have a great weekend all who read this.

Jmom's picture

Submitted by Jmom on Fri, 01/17/2014 - 8:59am

I was lost . . .everyone loved me and I had always been such a giving person so I could not understand for the life of me what was wrong with my relationship with SD13. The situation consumed my thoughts. Then I found Steptalk and learned to deal Smile

We aren't perfect and our opinions do vary from time to time, but you'll get some tried and true advice from this site.

WELCOME!

Westtexan3's picture

Submitted by Westtexan3 on Fri, 01/17/2014 - 6:46pm

Thanks Jmom. I've read that SMom/SD relationships are the most difficult to cultivate followed closely by SDad/SD relationships where the SD has a broken relationship with her bio father. Thanks again for the warm welcome and happy Friday!

DarkStar's picture

Submitted by DarkStar on Fri, 01/17/2014 - 11:33am

I did vacation with skids ONCE. Never again. It was the oldest SD that ruined it for everything, which is a shame for the 2 younger ones, they were great. I refuse to waste what little vacation time I have and my hard-earned cash on a whiny, ungrateful, spoiled teenager.

And welcome WestTexan! It's great to get a guy on here, there are a few good ones on here that have great advice and experiences to share. If you are concerned about anonymity, I would change your profile and picture.....

evilstepmotherJ's picture

Submitted by evilstepmotherJ on Fri, 01/17/2014 - 2:05pm

If there is one thing I wish I had known and implemented when i became a stepmom 4 years ago it is detachment. I wasted so much time, money and effort for absolutely nothing. My SK's have a living breathing mom and dad and I should have never tried to "help". It has all been thrown in my face numerous times. I also wish I would have made my DH realize that no, i will never love them like you do. I do care about them and I do love them to a degree but it is far from unconditional. If you can, divert as much as possible to their parents. We only took SD on our vacation with us that one time, two years ago, and that was enough. I spent my anniversary night in bed at 9:30 crying myself to sleep at our condo at the beach. Nuts....it will never happen again.

Mercury's picture

Submitted by Mercury on Fri, 01/17/2014 - 2:18pm

That hurts to hear you talk about your anniversary night.

I too let my husband's kids come with us on a vacation once. It wasn't our wedding anniversary but it was during the anniversary of "us' as a couple. Still a very special time for me. It was early on in our marriage so everything was new and I was trying to "be nice" and "embrace his family as my own". I ended up resenting every second of that trip.

Oh, and as a side note, I gave them benadryl to make them fall asleep early so DH and I could have alone time. I do not regret that at all. }:)

evilstepmotherJ's picture

Submitted by evilstepmotherJ on Fri, 01/17/2014 - 6:48pm

Thanks, it was a horrible night that will never be repeated. Talking about it is reminding me of how we had to hurry home from our honeymoon because my SS "missed" us. We bought him all sorts of trinkets and he hated every single item and ran outside to play with his friends. I couldn't believe we rushed home from our honeymoon for the brat. That hurt badly. Funny how your mind forgets that type of stuff, probably to protect you.

So sorry you had a bad time but not sorry you gave them benadryl ha ha. What a great idea!