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emilymarie's picture

Submitted by emilymarie on Wed, 10/12/2011 - 7:34pm

I'm not even sure the point of this entry or where I'm going with it except that I need to vent and I guess that's what this site is for...
I am having such a hard time living with my SD10. She's a great kid who does well in school and plays soccer and flute and loves her baby sister. So maybe the problem is me. I just want my house to be a place of solace and escape from the world where I can enjoy time with my family. Even though she is part of our family, her mom lives across the country, I feel like I need to escape from my own home sometimes. I build up resentment when she does things like manipulate her father, bends rules about bedtime, homework, leaving her stuff all over the house. Meanwhile DH says "If things don't change around here your bedtime will be earlier each night." And yet nothing changes and neither do bedtimes. He also refuses to see that she ha serious anxiety issues an freaks out if she doesn't know where he is at all times. She's afraid of everything from flies to swimming in a pool with kids she doesn't know.I just get so tired of him coddling to her every little issue. There comes a time when we need to grow up a little. So I guess to sum it all up, even though her and I live under the same roof, I cook, do her laundry and help her with school stuff, I feel like we couldn't be more distant from each other. It's weird because I feel closer to my students at school than I do my own SD...is what I'm feeling ok or does this make me selfish and ungrateful?

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MamaBecky's picture

Submitted by MamaBecky on Wed, 10/12/2011 - 8:47pm

It is certainly ok. You feel how you feel. It does seem though that you may be projecting. Your frustration is with your DH but you place it on her because it's easier. You love him. You dont want to be fed up or angry with him. It is easier to distance yourself from your SD. She knows that and feels it to. It is not going to encourage her to make any improvements. However, your husband is the issue. She sounds like a generally good kid with a dad who enables her and teachers her inappropriate behaviors if not by his actions then by his inactions. You need to continue to work with your DH. My signature applies to you just in regards to the father instead of the mother. You can only be as good of a step mom to her SD as her father will allow, support, and encourage. You need to get him on the same page with you...or at least reading the same book. Why isn't he consistent? Why does he feel the need to coddle her? What are his concerns/fears/motivations? Maybe tackling these questions can get you moving towards a solution.

baseballgirly's picture

Submitted by baseballgirly on Thu, 10/13/2011 - 1:27am

I'm interested in the anxiety part. My SS10 is just having an appointment made right now about his anxiety about not having either his mom or dad in his direct line of sight. The kid cries and freaks out if he doesn't know where they are 24/7 when he is with either of them.

I wonder what causes that?? Are you or your SO looking into why she freaks out?? Seperation anxiety?? Depression?? I'm curious to know if it's the same as my SS10.

Good luck with changing a little girl that your SO doesn't want to change. It's easier if you're on the same page... but if your relationship is like mine... your opinions will fall on deaf ears. Dads don't want to be the bad guys. Enforcing rules is bad in their books and therefore forgotten or ignored. It may cause a fight, but you have to get him to see it your way. I agree that there needs to be consequences and those consequences need to be enforced. Otherwise you're setting yourself up for bigger disappointments when that little girl realizes how easy it is to get her way.

I agree with MamaBecky.

Good luck!

Doubletakex3's picture

Submitted by Doubletakex3 on Thu, 10/13/2011 - 8:19am

I'm also interested in the anxiety issue. I wonder if there are any child psychologists in our midst that can explain. I've assumed that it has to do with separation anxiety / abandonment from one of the parents. But, I was abandoned by my mother as a child (at 6yo) and didn't have that type of anxienty/dependency that I see in my skids. If FDH goes to the store or is even in the bathroom and inordinant amount of time the questions start..."where's Dad? When's he coming back, etc."

My FDH and I went on a two hour motorcycle ride and when we got back the SD10 & SS16 literally were standing in the doorway waiting for us...we couldn't even get in the door. Even my FDH said to me, "That was creepy. WTH."

And, to your larger issue, there's nothing wrong with you at all for feeling the way you do. I feel the same way. My SD10 is a very sweet girl who only wants to please. But, she also bends the rules and knows how to work her dad (which is also normal). It bugs the crap out of me. This is my second rodeo as a SM and the biggest lesson I learned from the first disaster was that the issue isn't with skid - it's with the father. Holding the skid accountable for the failure of parenting really is not fair at all.

I'm not a maternal person at all and I've had to accept my own shortcomings (as has my FDH & skids). I can muster to provide attention, support & problem solving in doses but not all the time, every minute, or even on demand. Thankfully, the skids have a parent for that. Don't be too hard on yourself. I'm sure you are a wonderful influence to your SD in many ways you don't even know.