Diablas are 'a diabla-ing
Lord have mercy.
Had a wonderful day out with my DH, sightseeing and enjoyed dinner at a charming restaurant located on the water. Out of the blue DH asks me if I would like to go visit The Diablas.
As you all know, they are moving outside of the US (hallelujah) where they have rented an apartment. He says, "The Diablas will already know the lay of the land and can show us around."
In my own mind I am thinking, "Lololololol Whaaaaaaaat?" I kept my cool. This is to be expected. The Diablas are predictable, as is DH.
I said, "I am sure they have invited YOU already." And of course he confirmed that they had.
DH said SD's sent him a message saying "You should come visit us." As always leaving the "you" intentionally vague. They like DH to chase them and hold power over him. They set him up to beg "Can I bring my wife too?" at which point they say, "We just want quality time with our Daaaaaaaaaad." and "What did we do? We just want time with our daddddeeeeee." This of course despite the fact that all they have is alone time with their Dad, including several trips with just him. Most recently DH joined OSD on a 2 week backpacking trip. I told him to go have "one on one" time with her. Even after all that "alone time" the next time OSD visited us, staying AT OUR HOUSE she started her stay off by asking JUST DH to go out to dinner with her and a girl friend and the girl friend's Dad and STEP-MOM. Everyone was allowed, except me. AND DH WENT without me. No wonder this girl pulls him by the balls.
I told DH that I would rather go just about anywhere than where they are. After a stressful summer and fall with SD's, I am enjoying the reprieve. I don't need SD's to "show us around" and we are perfectly capable of figuring things out.
He said he totally understand why I feel that way. He is thinking of writing SD's an explanation of why he isn't going to see them. (Because they are excluding his wife.) I told him that the era of teaching them anything is probably over. We're all adults. He can tell them why but that probably won't change anything. I told him a precedent has been set and now they have expectations. He has allowed them to exclude me and has chased after them too much for too long. Of course they will expect no less than for that to continue.
It's infuriating but I have accepted that is reality. I think he has hoped that in time they would magically grow-up and become better people without him having to set boundaries. Controlliing, domineering SD's don't magically become little lambs. I think it's pretty selfish of DH to be a lazy parent. They need a swift kick to the butt, not a visit from us. If they were my diablas I would have put a stop to the excluding visits and trips a long time ago.
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Comments
DId he know the other stepmom
DId he know the other stepmom was going to be at dinner before he went ?
I don't think he knew the SM
I don't think he knew the SM would be there ahead of time. He tried to downplay it after the fact, as per usual.
Meat Shields
When a post starts with Lord have mercy, you know it’s going to be something else. Well, Lord have mercy!
Meat Shields—that’s all we are to our DHs. Meat Shields!
Our skids didn’t just misbehave; no, they did everything their Cult Leader—BM could think of to disrespect, neglect, marginalize, and psychologically abuse us. Case in point: YSD actually called the authorities on us. DH and I ended up in a three-hour meeting with CPS, explaining why DH didn’t abuse YSD.
And that’s not all. Over the years, the police department has gotten to know us on a first-name basis because of BM’s endless false claims of “child abuse.”
Now, hypothetically speaking, when the skids eventually crawl out from whatever rock they’re hiding under and want to see their Daddddeeeee, I’ve made my position crystal clear to DH: he can meet them at a restaurant. Alone. I’m done. They’re not stepping foot in this house ever again.
And what does he say to that?
He demands that I, as his wife, must go with him to meet his failed spawn. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.
Here’s the truth: he’s afraid of them. He knows they’re toxic. He just wants to use me as a buffer.
But let me be clear—I have no desire to be anyone’s buffer.
The best thing I ever did was disengage. Now, DH gets to experience the full, industrial-strength toxicity of his skids all by himself. And guess what? He wants me to save him from that.
Nope. Not anymore.
I believe it’s the remnants of the first failed, dysfunctional family’s pull that keeps these men tied to their failed spawn. It’s like a gravitational force they can’t escape. Anything these toxic skids want, Daddddeeee jumps to do for them. Barf!
Your SD sounds like a particularly sadistic piece of work. She probably grabbed her manshedee and scoured the jungles of dysfunction, searching for someone with a stepmother just so she could use them to passive-aggressively shun you with a double whammy.
If I were you, I’d stay detached. Even if your SD dug up a hundred friends with unsuspecting stepmothers, I wouldn’t waste a second of my time—or grace those losers with my presence. But that’s me. I’m still facing the future time when my Skids surface, and I must feint illness or my death to escape seeing them at a restaurant.
Oh, Lord Have Mercy!
Well said.
One of the best things I ever did was tap out. Wish I'd done it fifteen years sooner. All those years I thought I was helping, but actually was blocking DH's view of his kids and family of origin. It only took a very short period of him handling them on his own to get sick of their games.
I have to keep reminding
I have to keep reminding myself to never wrestle with pigs. You both get dirty and the pigs like it.
What a joke!
They just left! I guess we need Daaaaaddddee. Lol.
To me calling CPs
Is a deal breaker. Someone who try's to get you in major trouble with the law. Trying to ruin your reputation. Bring it in the whole new dimension. It. Would be very hard to forgive this. I spend my life. Trying to be a good person. And having a good reputation. And I would not need false information given about me. 3
What is WRONG with him? You
What is WRONG with him? You don't ask for permission to bring your spouse! You say "OK, we'll let you know." How hard is that?
Yep. He needs to be clear and
Yep. He needs to be clear and firm. It's not that hard, I know.
I have zero desire to go visit the bratzilla drama holes so it's a "no" from me. I especially don't want to spend a significiant amount of time or money to visit them.
I came back to add that when
I came back to add that when DH does say "We'll get back to you." or "We'll come visit you." It's at that point that the nashing of teeth will start and the "We just want time with our Daaaaaaaaaaaaad."
Diabla-ing
Every time I read that I laugh.
Speaking of 'Oh Lord, have
Speaking of 'Oh Lord, have mercy!', I can't get past:
...she started her stay off by asking JUST DH to go out to dinner with her and a girl friend and the girl friend's Dad and STEP-MOM. Everyone was allowed, except me. AND DH WENT without me.
Hon, if my DH pulled a stunt like that, he'd be sleeping in the guest room for the rest of our marriage, supposing that the marriage even survived such a grievous betrayal. How could he possibly think that it was okay to exclude you?! A child would know better.
You must have forgiven your husband, since you’re still with him but if I were you, I would never forgive the SD for such obvious and cruel disregard/disrespect. Going forward, you should have nothing to do with diabla, let alone pay that little bitch a visit; she’s a monster! You’ve been far too nice. It’s long past time for you to retaliate and put her in her place when she behaves so egregiously. Hopefully, that time will never come to pass, now that she’s leaving the country.
In my black and white grey free world, this Skid would never
In my black and white grey free world, this Skid would never have any 1:1 time or daddy daughter dates with her BFF of the monent and BFF's daddy without me full frontally present. Even if I had my ear buds in and played on my phone, I would be there, I would occassionally pull out an ear bud, smirk at her, give her a tsk tsk tsk, and a head shake then go back to whathever took my fancy on my phone. She would not get to say shit about anything with my spouse without my ears being fully present.
Grrrrrr!
And, I would have a great time driving her nucking futz.
Hahaha, I love your
Hahaha, I love your techniques.
I have removed myself from joining DH in outtings with the diablas unless it's an event that I actually want to attend.
I did employ many similar techniques in my own home such as wearing earbuds around OSD. I wear earbuds when she isn't here as well so it's not any different than what I normally do. I am simply not changing to "polite guest mode" for rude SD's as I likely would for regular guests.
I wish I had a photo of SD's flabbergasted face when she asked me a question and I had to take an earbud out to say "What's that?" This girl-woman thinks I should be at her service and can't believe that I have rights in my own home.
I also told OSD off for touching my things without asking. This has become the "big event." Dh claims she probably won't be coming to stay with us anymore. If only we would be so lucky. Apparently being told what to do is highly offensive to her. Lol
I also offended YSD by telling her that she can't boss me around in my own house or interfere with my work. This is the "big event" for her and I'm being told she may no longer visit us as a result. <wringing hands> Not. Ha ha ha
When they were teens I did so many things to make sure their time with us was comfortable. They did the opposite. We're all adults now. I'm done.
It's crazy how with these types of people focus on one's reaction to the their behavior and actions rather than the behavior and actions. They want to focus on my "angry tone" rather than the years of abuse that pushed me to the point of setting boundaries.
DH did want me to come and
DH did want me to come and was ready to tell OSD to suck it up if I came. I simply had NO desire to endure sitting at a restaurant with annoying & rude OSD and whatever strangers she arranged for DH to meet. She eats with her mouth open like a trout, she makes snide off-putting comments and she of course likes to bring up BM or any other topic that I have no connection to.
It's a fine line between having my own boundaries vs imposing on DH's freedom to do whatever he wants. He is free to go hang out with the Diablas if he wants. The more he does it by himself the less he seems to enjoy it. Lol He is trying to pull me back in to go visit them but that train left the station. I have no desire to force a relationship with adult SD's that make it clear they have no desire to know me.
I hope I never lay eyes on SD
I hope I never lay eyes on SD again. If if invited. Nope.
My DH chased, made excuses, told me half-truths so he could have a "relationship" with her. Turns out he was right--once he stopped setting me aside whenever she gave him a crumb of attention, she stopped communicating with him. Because he "was never there for her." Gosh my life is so peaceful.
Why would any of us give up that hard-earned peace? Nope, not happening.
Thanks for the validation Mia
Thanks for the validation Mia. It has taken me a long time to figure out how to handle the shunning but you are right, why give up hard earned peace?
If I were you, DH could not get out of my leg length.
Due to my foot being so far up his ass that he could not twitch without me knowing where he was and what he was doing. I would be in the faces of the Diablas anytime they wanted time with my DH and they would rue the day that they tried their isolationist shit between my SO and I.
Please, stop playing games and being their victim and rip their throats out and make sure daddy knows that he will not be tolerated to put his mate in the backseat to his shit head devil spawned failed family breeding experiments. Let the three of them know that you know exactly what their triumvirate shit show is and that you will tolerate none of it.
So, accept DH's invite to go visit the devil spawn and start the never ending ripping out of their throats anytime the Devil twins pull their shit and daddy does not immediately shut them down. Make their misery your fondest hobby. In an effort to protect your marriage from the satanic sisters spawn of a demon producing coupling.
Or something like that.
*yahoo* *biggrin* *lol*
*yahoo* *biggrin* *lol*
Wow Rags, you really have a way with words. I will keep all of that in mind. Lol