Step Diabla 27 Strikes Again
Once again SDiabla27 decided she wants to decend upon our home and stay for over a week. This girl-woman's MO is to be disrespectful, rude and snotty. When called out (by DH) her go to is "Whhhhhat did I doooooo?" Cue the waterworks and whiny voice. She's always the victim, just like BM.
She's already started up with her bullcrap before she's even arrived. She called DH and told him that on DAY 1 of her arrival she wants to go listen to music at a bar with just DH and one of her girl friends. DH told her that he'd ask me (if I care to join too) and then text her right back.
OMG, the gnashing of teeth, manufactured crisis and meltdown commenced. You would have thought he told her that he smashed her tiara and killed her kitten. She cried and said she wants "quality time" with just DH. (All she ever has is "quality" time with just DH because I can't stand to be near her.) Apparently if I'm there it's not "quality" time?
BM is the one put it in SD's head's that they need to have "one on one," "alone," "quality" time with DH. That makes sense if they were still 5 years old but WE'RE ALL ADULTS and DH and I are a package deal. Under normal circumstances, I would be totally fine with just the two of them doing things together but this isn't that. This is her consistently excluding me just to be nasty while claiming that she is "trying" to be accepting.
Not that I want to spend time with her anyway. At this point she gets under my skin so badly that I can't stand being in the same room with her, let alone hang out with her all evening at a bar. Ewe, gross. I told DH I don't want to spend time with her, ever. I feel bad to put it so bluntly but in the moment the words just came out. The nice thing is he says he totally understands. He is dreading her visit too.
I went to my class and then enjoyed a cup of tea.
I feel we are most likely headed down a road where DH sees his devil adult children outside of our home. I'm pretty sick of them coming here and causing turmoil, chaos and drama. DH and I are a package deal and if they can't deal with that then they can stay with precious, loser BM whom they seem to identify with so much.
DH has a tendency towards cognitive dissonance when faced with the reality of how sh*tty his diablas are. I am happy to let him go experience the full-force of dealing with SD without me there as a buffer or distraction. I get angry at their disrespect and rather than addressing the disrespect he starts to focus on my reaction to the disrespect. I am done done done with that. He can continue to experience them ALONE.
Now I just have to figure out how to avoid SD for the rest of the week yet be present enough that she doesn't set up her throne in my house.
Unlike this summer when YSD crashed here FOR A MONTH, at least OSD has some activities with friends lined up. I am hoping she doesn't spend much time in our house. I wish the two of them would get a real job and maybe a boyfriend? and a life of their own. I just hope they don't have grand-diablas because DH would get attached to his prodigy. Even I find it hard to resist a baby, no matter how terrible their parents' are. I'm pretty sure OSD wants to get married and have kids. So far she is so demanding and difficult that she can't even keep a boyfriend for any length of time. She's no great beauty but she's not THAT unattractive. You'd think that some man would be willing to put up with her even if it's just for the benefits.
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I'd start by telling her she
I'd start by telling her she can stay for 3 days, no longer. She can book a hotel if she wants to stay longer in the area. Why? Because house guests and fish start to stink after 3 days. Keep this rule for all guests to prove that it's not discrimination. And yes, she's a guest in your home.
While your idea is very good,
While your idea is very good, DH would never go for it. He needs to keep his door open to his diablas. The diablas are easily offended so they often "prune," so to speak, themselves and piss off in a huff.
Elea, its your home too. You
Elea, its your home too. You get to stipulate anything and everything about who is in YOUR home and for how long.
Explain to DH that you are done serving yourself and your home up as sacrifices to his ass sniffing of the Diablas. He needs to man up and put his adult children in their place.
I am so sorry that you have had to deal with this. IMHO, is is long past overdue for you to nail DH to the floor by his short and curlies to pull his head out of his failed family daughers' asses.
Take care of you.
Thanks Rags. You all are my
Thanks Rags. You all are my reality check when DH acts like this crap is no big deal.
DH tends to be VERY long suffering. He's still in the giving the SD's a chance to correct their behavior phase but when DH is done he has been known to be DONE. That is what happened when he booted BM to the curb.
If The Diablas don't straighten up there is a very real possibility that he will give them the old heave ho, permanently. Not only would they be out of my house but they'll be out of our lives completely. It would be regretful if that is how far it has to go but also a big relief.
It is one thing to boot your b word of a spouse and quite another to pull the plug on your BK's. As long as they keep throwing crumbs and pretending to make an effort he will likely keep hope. I on the other hand am only impressed by a long-term pattern of good behavior and actions.
Why?
I can't understand why a 27yo woman would want to come spend a week with Daaadddy. Especially with a holiday weekend coming up, shouldn't she be doing what any red-blooded American girl would do, shack up with her bf, drink, get high? Lol.
Yup
My thoughts EXACTLY about my SS20. LIKE, go away. Go live.
...she wants "quality time"
DH should tell her that if she wants 'quality' time, no girlfriend. And if the girlfriend shows up, DH should get up and leave.
That is an excellent point.
That is an excellent point. Because if a friend is also invited then it's not quality one on one time. It's a straight up exclusion. I could see the odd one on one thing but since she does this every single time it's certainly exclusion. Since that is the case and she's actively purposefully excluding you then I think your boundary of them just doing stuff outside the home seems very reasonable...
Because she doesn't put an effort in with you so why would you accommodate them in your home? I can't believe how petty some people can be and particularly in their adult years. Acting like a child still.
That is exactly what I said
That is exactly what I said to DH. How is it that SD brings her friend and it's still "quality time" but if I join then I guess it isn't "quality time" anymore? That's when I found out that SD also wants DH to meet her friend's Dad. So now it's "quality time" with SD, friend, and friend's Dad but if I join then it's no longer quality time. Lol
It's all good. I enjoyed my free time to focus on things I want to do. Thank-God DH and I didn't have a kid together because I would be steamed if I had to sit home doing bio kid care while DH dates his daughter. All my BK's are functional adults so I do things for myself while DH is having "quality time"
with SD.
So it's a double-date then?
So it's a double-date then? Seriously, she wants him to meet her friend's father without you present - what's she hopng for?
The exclusion couldn't be more clear, could it? How does your husband justify that? How can he say that she just wants "quality time" (barf) with daddy.
Is the friends dad married or
Is the friends dad married or have a girlfriend? It's so strange she would meet at a bar with her dad only, excluding you but allowing a friend and her friends dad. I would tell your husband that you are not ok with this in any way and he needs to tell her that it's inappropriate and that its not going to happen.
He needs to tell his daughter no. He can say hey once in a while we can go out just the 2 of us but this scenario you speak of is not happening. I'm not excluding my wife.
Exactly
MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY. I'm new to this site, but I wanted to comment just that. You want quality time with your dad, but bringing your friend? Is this friend a woman? I THINK NOT!!!!! Probably trying to get daddy-o to get drunk and at least question if he finds her friend attractive..... Nopeeee
That's where it starts ...
I'd even go so far as to
I'd even go so far as to refer to it as "your date" ... have fun on your date Honey. do you need to dress up for your date dear? how was your date, did you have to buy her flowers and cater to her every whim? Oh DH? he can't he's out on a date tonight. .....DH I'm going to make my own plans with xxxyyy, I told them you can't make it because you're going to be out on a date.
"She called DH and told him
"She called DH and told him that on DAY 1 of her arrival she wants to go listen to music at a bar with just DH and one of her girl friends."
How is YOU going with them not quality 1:1 time, but bringing HER friend doesn't also means it's not quality 1:1 time???
She sounds absolutely
She sounds absolutely horrible and I don't understand how you can contemplate tolerating this sort of treatment for a week! After an episode of utter rudeness and disrespect 2 yrs ago, I told DH I wasn't prepared to see SD29 any more. He now sees both his daughters outside our home, as the younger one won't come here either in sympathy with her sister. I agree with Winterglow - I don't allow guests for more than 3 days - and why in heaven's name does SD27 need to have time with her Dad for a week anyhow? She's not a child.
...
My skids are the same way. I just think it's this generation under us. I'm not sure.... They are all so needy
DH should tell her
Unless you go. Go as. A family. He's not going. He must put his foot down. He letting her call the show. Life is just not that way. SD has no friends to spend this holiday weekend with. That saying something.... Do not give in on this point it's war. And you will win every battle.
Can you imagine our
Can you imagine our forefathers being pulled from the barley fields or blacksmith shop or wherever by a whiny young woman stating "But Pa, you OWE it to me to sit and watch me do my needlework for 3 hours!" And Ma has to leave, F supper and the wash. This is OUR time! She can go sit in the barn till we're done!
I don't get the "alone time" thing.
That was back when men had
That was back when men had spines and didn't cater to their daughters. The man and wife were head of the household, children respected their elders, and what Ma and Pa said goes. Of course this girl would have probably been married by then and too busy raising her own kids and keeping her own house to bother Daddy.
These two lazy, selfish,
These two lazy, selfish, SDiablas would go into fits and hysterics if they had the responsiblities of being a parent 24/7. The whining and poor me feeling sorry for themselves would be quite entertaining. I am sure they won't allow me to be grandma so it will be fun to see them dump their prodigy on equally lazy and selfish BM. I hope that doesn't happen tho because DH would try to "help" them cope with how "unfair" it is that they have to parent.
Also, "alone time" with 27
Also, "alone time" with 27-year-old daughter and her girlfriend sounds like the plot of a bad porno. Just no. I hope he's not entertaining this idea
I'm trying to imagine the
I'm trying to imagine the friend's reaction when she realizes that she's going to spent the evening with her friend and her dad. LOL Yeah, a girls' night out with daddy in tow. Just what the doctor ordered!
Foreshadowing of your week
Foreshadowing of your week ahead. I'm sorry. Your DH must be so proud of his snotty brood.
I feel we are most likely
I think we've said before that my SD is very much like yours, which is why I went 7 GLORIOUS years without seeing her (she has slithered in a few times when she needed money and figured she wouldn't get it without making fake kind gestures of so-called reconciliation toward me--it was all bs).
DH and I made a deal way back that she was no longer welcome in our home. Her brother's behavior grew worse over the years (go figure), so he got the boot, too. And, yes, their behavior is all rooted in the cult-like devotion to an effed-up and sad BM. But the arrangement has worked out very well for us. DH sees his kids elsewhere. I use the times he is gone to catch up with girlfriends, go to the spa, or just enjoy the hell out of being in a quiet, peaceful house watching movies and drinking wine.
*There are grands in the picture now. I see how SD tries to rope in DH. I refuse to meet/spend time with the grands, as I'm not opening up to another hostage situation again.
All of this to say: My advice is follow what you are thinking and arrange for your DH to see the skids outside of your home. You deserve respect and peace. Good luck this week! Can you bring friends in to act as a buffer?
I remember you mentioning
I remember you mentioning that your SK's are similar to mine. I am trying to use this time to help DH see where the true problem lies. I try this by allowing him to experience the full-force of her personality without me there as a meat shield. It's working pretty good so far except that he doesn't like it that I keep my responses to SD27's personal questions very brief. I had to explain to him that I am not going to pretend that we are friends. We are not and I am not a phony person that can fake it. I will be civil and polite but I am not kissing anyone's butt. I am making a effort to have "friendly" short conversations with SD27 when DH is present about neutral topics like the weather and the holiday weekend in order to show that I am being nice. I'm trying to practice "medium chill." SD27 continues to exclude me and ask only DH to do things with her. Hopefully he allows himself to see the pattern. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. I'm not sure he's ready to see the full reality of her dysfunctional behavior and actions.
How weird. Daddy, adult
How weird. Daddy, adult daughter, and daughter's adultfriend all going out together. Like Rumple said, it sounds like a bad porno plot. Eww.
He needs to just tell her "no". Either you come along or he can't make it. Other option if you prefer is he just go (so you don't have to be around her. But either way, she can stay elsewhere. She's already made her feeling clear re your relationship. No need to have her in the same house.
I feel for you. I get stuck with LI for almost 2 weeks every freaking Christmas. I haven't had a peaceful holiday since I got with DH.
Yep, these diablas love to
Yep, these diablas love to storm into our lives like bulls in a china shop trailing drama and chaos in their wake. They are so disruptive to our peace. That is why I don't want them here.
I'm sorry but I get along
I'm sorry but I get along with my parents as an adult as well with some of those of my close friends. However, it has never once occured to me to make plans to go out to a bar or anything like that with them. I always thought that was an activity more suited to just enjoy with the friend, and not quality time with the parents. Aside from that arrangement being made for the sole purpose of leaving you out, then it makes not much sense.
What logical reason is there for a 27 year old to still have to be that clingy and have that kind of monopoly over DH's free time? You would think a young woman at that age should be more focused on a life that she has built for herself? I dont know the answers either since I had an SD close to that age still have who has yet to completely let go of that lost "unloved" little girl act hanging on to Daddyyyyy no matter what. It never really ends. .
Echo
Ill be the echo chamber of "so YOU Elea, cannot go, but sdiabla's FRIEND can? WTF Quality 'alone' time with daddy cakes and friend, is that to save time????"
SD25 Feral Forger doesnt even pretend she wants any kind of time with husband she just flat out texts can I have some $$...so at least I am saved from all that cripe.
Do not at all move anything to accomodate such a heineous daddy-grab.
My knee jerk judgement was
My knee jerk judgement was that diabla is looking to use her gullible atm dad as both financing for this silly outing and have someone to validate the overly loud, flirty, wierd stuff vapid ppl do when having a few drinks in public. He needs to sort that pain out for himself. Banging the oft repeated drum here: make your own enriching plan and recharge your own self. What a miserable and weird set-up she is orchestrating. Hopefully, your husband gets some really sharp clarity on how diabla has devalued and abused his gracious willingness to even give her another chance at behaving like, gee, 80% of ANY demographic would. I know that it took 3-4 moments, per overgrown offspring, after I disengaged before my husband realized I wasn't wrong in anything I had voiced, and the drama of 35-45 year olds wanting dadddddddddeeeeee was pretty vomit worthy. I hope I am wrong and the anticipation is far worse than the actuality.
She called DH and told him
She called DH and told him that on DAY 1 of her arrival she wants to go listen to music at a bar with just DH and one of her girl friends.
Surely, he thinks that's weird, right?
After the initial temper
After the initial temper tantrum she backtracked after DH called her out on it and said (in her super phony voice) "Of course Elea can come if she wants to." Ahm, no thanks, I'm good.
Meeting Daddy
With SD's friend is cringe-worthy.
The more I think about this
The more I think about this the more cringe it sounds to me. So the wife of her dad isn't allowed on this visit. So just a 20 something woman and another 20s woman and OPs husband. Doing what. Strange. But also that she isn't invited.. Weird
It gets weirder
Don't forget that her friend's father will be there too. I'm wondering if it will be daddy or mummy who'll turn up.
I’m wondering
if it's something a bit ickier...
You're not alone in that ...
You're not alone in that ...
".... with just my daddy."
".... with just my daddy." Umm, yet she wants her friend there? The stupid is strong in this one.
She does not want time with just daddy. She wants daddy's credit card so she and her friend can party on his dime.
You know that DH is the cause off all of this crap right. He created it, he facilitates it, and he continues to feed it. Sure. BM is the prototype for the Diabla bullshit. But your DH is the one who supports it, tolerates it, and fosters it.
You are the one who needs the drink. I would need a tequila IV If I was having to deal with all of this.