Mini-Update
You all may remember that the diablas26&28 left the USA to live in a foreign country for 3 months. OSDiabla and YSDiabla moved into an apartment together. It would be entertaining to be a fly on the wall watching those two fight it out in a shared space. Both are so self-centered, blame everyone else for all of their problems, take no personal responsiblity and are hell bent on everything being "fair." I am sure they labor and nit-pick over every little minute detail. Both are screamers and YSD is a biter and hitter.
They invited DH (only) to come spend time with them during their stay in a foreign country. Thank-fully he declined.
(He asked me if I wanted to go visit them with him and I told him I'd rather go ANYWHERE else. I told him that I am not interested in visiting where I am not wanted.)
I half-expected that without DH visiting, so SD's could turn DH into their human meat shield and take out all their anger on, they would soon self-implode and return to the US in a hissy-fit. They have traditionally blamed DH for all of their problems, just like BM did but ... It seems they are going to make it together for the full 3-months, 3 blissful months of no unexpected visits from the diablas! It has already been 2 months, Sadly, the time of them being out of the country will come to an end. DH told me that they are returning to BM's at the end of March. I think a big reason they are sticking it out is because of the non-stop drama at BM's. They can't be happy no matter where they are.
In another long-overdue but positive development, DH said he will be letting YSD know that he is cutting her off from all financial support! She is a 26 y/o college graduate and it is past time for her to fully pay her own way. DH has been paying for her cell phone and several other things for far longer than he should have. Much longer than he paid for OSD. Everyone has looked at YSD as a heulpless wittle baby that needs to be coddled. Except OSD DID finally get jealous when she realized YSD is getting more than she did. She told DH that it isn't "fair" that YSD still gets some of her bills paid by DH. 
What YSD is is manipulative, selfish and lazy, not at all helpless. My BK's already pay their own bills and they are younger than YSD. I do wish I could see YSD's sour face when she reads DH's letter. It is especially gratifying that she is receiving no visit from us and a grow-up-and-pay-your-own-way letter. The gnashing of teeth, tears and drama will be something OSD gets to deal with.
Now that our economy is actively being flushed down the toliet, I think DH may realize that the excessive money he threw to pacify BM & SDiablas's was not well-spent. *shok* That money that HE earned should have gone towards his own retirement. I gave up on sounding the alarm long ago so I am relieved that he is finally cutting the last lingering ties.
To all you women deciding if you want to stick it out, it only took DH approximately 8 years post SD's turning 18 and 3 years post college graduations, to be totally done with shelling out $$$. This is one of many reasons why many women chose not to date or have a relationship with men that have children from previous relationships.
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Bravo DH!
Hopefully he actually has the spine to stay the course on cutting off YSD.
Thank-you
Oh yes he does. Once he makes up his mind it is like a steel trap.
That is good to hear.
I am sure it is exciting to be past the coddled dependent Diabla zone. Enjoy it.
Great news, Elea!
Great news, Elea!
With trade wars demolishing the economy and the Dow Jones tanking, your DH picked a perfect time to close his wallet, rather than subsidising an adult old enough to handle her own finances.
To all you women deciding if
I was one of those who naively thought the financial drain on our household (which I naively had not expected...wth) would stop when the skids turned 18. Or even 21. I get that parents help out adult kids here and there, but I wasn't ready for out-of-state room and board at private colleges (DH was not part of that decision, which infuriated me, as he was still expected to contribute) with a family that really couldn't afford it. I was strongly suggesting that the prince and princess attend a community college (horrors!) for two years and then move on to a state or private school. Also, the skids were not emotionally mature enough to handle that kind of independence, so SS lost 2 years of college that he had to make up and SD lost 1 year. That's a lot of money. Of course, both skids, now in their 30s, owe quite a bit on loans (and complain about it) because at least DH had SOME sense and somewhat guarded his wallet.
Of course, I, like most SMs, did not directly pay for any of this, but I paid, as I was taking on more financially than I had agreed to just to make sure all our bills were paid, to go on vacation, enjoy dinners out, etc. At one point, my salary unexpectedly skyrocketed, and while the financial situation still wasn't fair, the skids were really pissed off that we were not struggling (that's when we moved to a nicer and bigger house--SS saw the house, made a derogatory comment, and didn't speak to us for months). Or perhaps they thought I should donate to them. I sensed that they enjoyed feeling like they negatively impacted us financially--we deserved (more) punishment (we were never uncomfortable--it wasn't that). Anyway, DH swore he was going to make it up to me, and thank God he did. I'll give him that.
We really need to write a book warning other women.
My step-life situation has a
My step-life situation has a lot of similarities to yours Mia. It's validating to know I'm not alone in having to deal with the craziness. My stepdiablas also just HAD to go to out-of-state schools with eye-watering tuition. BM did the whole traveling all over the country with SD's to all these super pricy schools. SD's were too good for junior college. If a family can afford to do all that for their children then great for them but DH is not quite in that bracket and BM has always been unable to keep a job, even before having kids. (YSD seems to be following in BM's footsteps in that regard.) I couldn't believe that DH refused to put his foot down. Off they went to fancy ivy league tuition level schools. DH paid over half the cost and BM paid a percentage with the money DH gave her in the divorce. YSD took an extra year to complete her degree because she was indecisive on a major, so that was a lot of extra money for nothing.
Meanwhile, my oldest BK just graduated from a very nice in state university. My BK started at a JC and then transferred to a very good state university. My oldest is now employed and self-supporting. (Fingers crossed the current massive job cuts don't impact the new job.)
Neither SD is currently using their degree. Why did they need to go to out of state schools for again? So stupid.
Of course I can't bring any of this up with DH anymore for fear of coming across as "bitter." It's all done and over with so there is no reason to rehash. When his oldest was in high school I asked him why not send her to a JC and then in state university? She treated him with such disrespect and entitlement and could have used a dose of humble pie but DH was gonna do what DH was gonna do. *unknw*
Sigh!
Sigh!
I was on the 11yr plan for undergrad myself.
That learning process in large part defined how my SS would evolve as a young adult. His mom and I offerred him the mom and dad full meal deal zero limit scholarship to any school he chose to apply to, get accepted to, and attend.
He chose to not apply thinking that he would stay at the HS and JC he was attending for HS. He failed the only class he had during the first semester of his Sr. year that was required for graduation at the end of the Spring semesster. It was also a graduation requirement that he apply for at least 5 different schools. He applied to none. So, we yanked him our of school at winter break, took him on a tour of the local homeless camp, plugged him into our local HS where he knew no one. We had moved to that town a month after he started at military school. He walked to and from school every day, he shoved snow, he studied his ass off. He was miserable. He did graduate on time and with honors.
Then.... the challenges continued. Since he declined to take advantage of the mom and dad full meal deal college ride, to remain in our home after he turned 18 (3mos after HS graduation), he had to either be in school full time, working full time, or working and attending school half time each. He had no interest in working or in school.
So, he was our live in chore boy/beck and call chef and maid. Every couple of weeks the work/chore list grew larger and his comfort level decreased. We shut off the internet and cable TV when we left for work, he had to have the day's jobs complete by the time his mom and I got home from work, or ... he was on the curb the next AM when we left for work.
I foundered after HS after leaving the highly structured academic environment I was in for the free for all of university. My dad admits one mistake in his life and that was not supporting my request to stay at the military school for 2yrs of Junior College. I knew I was not ready or capable of performing to my potential outside of the highly structured environment. Had I stayed for two more years, completed an AAS degree then gone to a university to complete my BS, I would likely have graduated 6 years earlier than I did.
I have had a great career and an amazing life. However, the early stages of my adult life would have been far less anxiety ridden. for me and for my parents had I made better choices and a consistent effort.
My college burden on my parents ultimately was just 4 years. They covered the first two years of my 11yr undergrad plan. When I divorced, sold my share of my company to my partners, and started at engineering school I lived on the proceeds of my savings and the sale of my company. My brother and I were in engineering school together. The last two years of engineering school after I demonstrated my focus and performance, they put me back on the mom and dad college scholarship. I had to work. But they covered my school costs and a big part of my living costs.
So my burden on them was just about the same, though the anxiety I put them through for the first two years of crap college performance and the next 7 years of part time studies, changing majors regularly, and trasferring schools could have been avoided had I been more mature.
I feel bad about all that. That is my true regret. But, having won the parent lottery, my mom and dad are very proud of me. Sometimes I wonder why.
I foundered after HS after
My skids were strictly on the Mommy Plan....What Mommy Wants and How We Reflect on Mommy at All Costs. Many 18 year olds are not ready for the kind of independence that the out of state college offers. (I took off 3 years between high school and college and worked; when I got to college, I was ready and a very serious student.)
SS here was put in a ridiculous situation: BM had him co-sign a mortgage loan. DH was livid. Yes, they bought a house near campus and SS was fully responsible for renting out the rooms. Result: SS drank A LOT, screwed up his first two years of college, and the house almost went to foreclosure (they sold it via short sale). Then SS was arrested (drugs). SS is resentful of his enormous student loans (talks about them all the time, probably hinting for a handout) even though DH did help out early on.
SD was sent to an out-of-state religious school and went wild. At one point, there were semi-naked pictures of her on the internet. I strongly believe she was sexually assaulted there. She shamed her holy mother with her behavior and was pulled out of the school. Had to start over elsewhere, closer to home.
These skids earn no more than anyone who attended a state school or who started at a junior college, yet both still struggle with the loans.
This (and many other things) is what happened when DH was not allowed a say in ANY decision regarding the skids.
Rags, your parents sound like
Rags, your parents sound like reasonable people that loved you unconditionally. That is how I feel about my BK's.
I naturally lean towards being generous. I would be happy to help out the diablas, even when they mess up IF they were polite, appreciative and respectful. Sadly, they are NOT.
Do the Diablas work?
How do they afford to live out of the country?
Of course, everyone knows my horror story of "poor, needy" SD63 who we are still subsidizing. So, if anyone naively thinks it always ends at age 18 or after college or any other milestone, think again.
I hope your DH sticks to his guns.
OSD has a remote job. She can
OSD has a remote job. She can work from anywhere with an internet connection. Her job likely pays a very average salary but it is enough to travel since she has no home base, no relationship and is living a transcient style life.
YSD has never held down a job for longer than 2 weeks. She has been unsuccessfully trying to get a job in her area of study for about 3 years. OSD is supporting YSD. There is no way YSD would know how to live in a foreign country by herself.
I am happily surprised that OSD is keeping YSD out of my hair right now. There is no guarantee that OSD won't come to her senses and realize that YSD is a PITA and not worth the trouble to deal with.
As much as I can't stand BM, I am glad that inbetween gigs the diablas can go crash her place instead of mine. The problem is they fight like cats with BM and then they storm off to here and try to start their drama with us.
They have no home of their own so in between gigs they are dependant and impose on parents' living accomodations yet they act entitled, ungrateful and flat out rude.
DH recently told me they said they aren't coming here anymore. Boo hoo hoo. (YSD is mad I told her she can't tell me what to do in my own house and OSD is mad I told her she isn't to touch my personal belongings.) Both feel they should be treated as queens, rule the house. They can't handle that I am allowed to have a voice and take up space in my own home.
They are also mad that I no longer prepare meals for them. Both started lying about dietary restrictions in order to try to get me to twist myself into a pretzel with their ever changing dietary preferences. In one such example, they announced as we sat down for Christmas dinner that they are vegetarian but the next day they were chowing down on hamburgers. The last straw was YSD coming here and grumbling in DH's ear as I was preparing dinner "I probably can't eat anything Elea is making." The passive aggressive manipulation around food was designed to paint me in a bad light. I quit.
They like to play games and not come eat when the meal is ready but rather show up an hour or more later to demand a meal. I put meals away in a timely manner to avoid food-borne illness. The last time YSD was here she got so mad when she repeatedly showed up late to dinner and the food had been put away, kitchen cleaned. This happened on repeat. Lol. I think at BM's house they live like pigs and leave food out for hours on end?
I no longer clean and prepare our guest area for them. We have been going through some transitions as we declutter and rearrange so the last time they were here the guest room was a huge mess. I let DH handle how much he felt like cleaning things up for them. It turns out, he doesn't care about cleaning up for them at all. They had to stay in the midst of our big mess. Lol. He threw some sheets on top of the bed. He didn't even bother finding some blankets and told them they could find blankets for themselves. This was validating as far as SM's shouldn't do more for them than your DH is willing to do. SD's just end up resenting that SM does things better than their own parents.
So, maybe they really won't stay here anymore? What punishment. haha I don't trust their ultimatums. They have been trained by BM to keep the 1st failed family ever present. They like our sunny area better than the dreary, dank, freezing area BM moved to a few years ago. I don't trust that they won't be baaaaaaack. I am enjoying the break for now.