New to this and wanting to bolt
Well I am glad I found this site! For months I've been feeling alone and heartless because of the way the step kids make me feel. Generally nice kids but have been spoilt and I can't bare the entitled attitude they hold.
oldest 12, youngest 8. The 8 year old I really dislike with a passion. 12 year old I can bare. 8 year old causes the most issues as my partner babies Jim so does his mother! They have no rules and boundaries and think that applies to my house - NO!
I think what I'm struggling with the most is the constant dread of seeing them and what problems it brings bevaise my partner never tells them off. He says I can but when I do he never agrees with what I say. I'm very consequential. Do this get that and it's not like a bad punishment. I.e they were jumping on my sofa, dad had a nice chat still continued. I said if I catch you jumping on my sofa again you'll sit on the floor. Stopped instantly
seen people advise to detach but I can't bare the thought of being with them or being away from them. At least if I'm there I can correct the behaviours. I hate if they're in my house without me.
no idea what to do to ease this. Most days I want to leave. Our relationship is problematic without the kids
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I applaud you for not
I applaud you for not abandoning part of your authority and life to your SO and their failed family shallow and polluted gene pool progeny.
Time to turn up the heat on your SO to step up and effectively parent his spawn to YOUR standards or for him to step out and find his key no longer works.
Do not lower or abandon your standards to a failed parent partner and their spawn.
And welcome. I hope that you find this a good place to vent, contribute, and get done useful perspectives from others who are living the blended family dream.
It's your home and you have
It's your home and you have every right to protect it from damage. If your DH isn't happy about the way you correct them then it's time he stepped up a bit. I'd also have a word with him about not disagreeing with you in front of the kids, no undermining you and your decisions. He can voice his objections calmly when there's just the two of you so that you can also state your case. Remind him that his job is to raise them to be decent, independent adults and that kids need rules, boundaries and schedules to make them feel safe.
Had this chat so many times.
Had this chat so many times. I said if you don't agree that's fine but talk to me in private and go with me in front of the kids else they will learn don't listen to me only what dad says matters. I'm mostly easy going but I have non negotiable. That's table manners and respect for each other and each others property. I'm always the vilan
How would he react if you
How would he react if you told him that you don't want feral kids in your home and that he can take his visitation elsewhere? Or teach them how to behave like pleasant human children? His call ...
Think about this …..
The real problem is your DH..... sorry to say he's allowing this to happen. He allowing his kids to disrespect you and your home.
'In stead of setting house hold rules and pushments ,,and rewards. He does the "Big Talking too". What nobody's listen too.
FIRST. you need a heart to heart talk with DH. Telling him this has to change, You and your house will not be disrespected. Second you will open a bank account in your name only. Where you put x $ a week in it for replacement things SK break.
'Third start think about, this is no way to live. DH is actually disrespect you also, allowing this to happen , YOU and your marriage needs respect of each other. And a exit plan may be in the works. Or the kids will be 50 and the same old will be happing
luckily not married
Agree with everyone here. Welcome to Steptalk.
Its pretty early on for you. Now is the time to create and enforce boundaries. Disengagement is a tool - Its got different "flavors". But no, you do not leave his rude kids to destroy your home. If he tells you "sure parent them how you think" then goes back on that - rain holy heck on him. HE is your problem - so rather than focus on the kids and your resentment towards the 8yo, focus on HIM and his failure to parent.
I think the resentment is so
I think the resentment is so strong to the 8yo bevaise he has been rude and upset my best friends kids who I adore. His dad sees no wrong obviously and he's done it numerous times. From that point on I just haven't been able to take to him.
I know and I try to remind
I know and I try to remind myself it's not the kids I dislike it's their mum and dads piss poor parenting. I do feel disrespected and because I don't tolerate bullshit I'm cold and heartless and "too hard" on them. I think he views it this way because there is no correction or consequences form him or their mother. I'm at the end of my tether with it
So, why do you tolerate it,
So, why do you tolerate it, him, and them in your life?
It will not stop, and it will not improve, unless you purge this shit puddle gene pool from your life.
Good luck.
I had a similar experience
I had a similar experience with my ex-bf's kids. They're emotionally neglected while at the same time obscenely spoiled. Everyone in their life besides me thinks buying them toys or giving them snacks will fix everything. I've watched so many times when my ex-bf would repeatedly tell them to stop doing something, and they would continue to ignore it -- whereas with me, as soon as I said "if you continue to do this, then this consequence will happen" and it would immediately stop. I think they knew I followed through on my threats, unlike their dad.
I understand there's a different boundary with us as the non-bio parent, and they're more comfortable pushing those boundaries with bio-parents because they know they can, but I also just don't think basic manners is rocket science.
Fully agree. Interesting he's
Fully agree. Interesting he's now an ex. Wonder how long it will be before that's my terminology
Sorry...
About your wasted time and emotions.
Seriously...this is not likely to change for the better...might even get worse.
Have ONE more serious sit down with him to see if he can change, if not, cut bait and throw this fish back.
When you said "no rules and
When you said "no rules and no boundaries"....girl I felt this in my soul
not going to tell you what to do but from someone who has been there .... unless there is some sort of benefit you to deal with that crap then DONT
Tell them what bothers you, how to correct the behavior, and give short window of adjustment
I ended up leaving my fiancé after 2 years of "no rules and no boundaries" because I had more than enough of his lackadaisical passive free-range gentle parenting
I'm enjoying my own space without the intrusive obnoxious entitled disrespectful skids.
We're nearly two years in.
We're nearly two years in. When it's just us things are better. We are both stubborn but I just feel he sees no wrong in his behaviour or his sprogs. He is like a kid himself. When he is good he is really really good but when he is bad he is awful.
im at the point I'm tired of waiting for him to step up and enforce the basics so I just step in now and don't give him a chance for my own sanity. Thing is after weeks of nice chats from him as soon as I dole out a consequence the behaviour immediately stops. He said he doesn't want the kids to be scared of coming because of all the rules. I said it will do the opposite and make them feel safe because they know where they stand. Have siad the inconsistency in his parenting is the problem.
like last night oldest.. dad can we have our advent calendar, dad: yea sure. I said I didn't hear a please yet you still said yes. When he questioned his son did you say please he lied and said yea. He dad said I know you're lying. That was it. So they display no manners then they lie and you don't say a fucking word! Honestly my blood just boils. I don't think I'm too hard on them but he has made me question myself
It's easier to make you
It's easier to make you enforce so he's not the bad guy (not a fan of step parent enforcing but as long as you don't mind expending the energy and as long as y'all are on the same page then someone has to do it)
And yes they don't want a bunch of "rules" so they can keep running their Disneyland Resort facade for their own ego ("I'm a better parent than your mom" "kids love coming here more than their moms house" "I think my kids are suffering from our divorce so I'm going to pacify them with no rules in our house"
My thing is if they go to church, school, anyone else's house they're going to have rules so why the heck should they be deluded and pacified into thinking they can run amok in the family household?
The thing that burns me up with bio parents like this is they act like reasonable age appropriate rules at home are some form of torture and punishment.... because in their minds only "bad" kids need rules when in reality all kids need rules and structure
For these same reasons I've
For these same reasons I've been called strict and old fashioned. For trying to give those skids some structure, some skills/chores, organization and some basic social behaviors. I quit. And now they're failing at college... very messy and chaotic.
You said your relationship was problematic even without the kids
You said your relationship was problematic even without the kids - are you sure this is the right relationship for you? Because, odds are, it is never going to get any better than it is right now and may easily get worse.
Truthfully not always I am
Truthfully not always I am sure no. Sometimes I feel like this is my forever person then others I'd be happy to never see him again. Seeing his parenting style puts me off having kids with him because I don't want my children brought up doing what they want when they want so that they are e happy
Seeing his parenting style
He probably won't do your kids like this because they're not "suffering" from a divorce (not to minimize the effects of divorce but most kids are resilient and adapt to changes well)
And you will most likely have to enforce on his kids and yours (if you don't mind expending extra energy and possibly being perceived as the "mean" one)
More importantly perhaps talk with him more about child rearing expectations and rules because it could be a strain to your relationship if you are vastly different on parenting styles ... especially if you all add more kids to the mix
What you see is what you get
Your SO maybe the greatest thing out there. But can you live this way. One thing for sure, this will never change. As the kids get older and figure out it you or them you will be getting more of this. You will always feel second.
Dobyou stay or go.. That's up to you.. BUT just understand that there will be no day where thing will change