In My Head Tonight
I'm feeling really in my head tonight. Some of you may recall that DD15mos had torticollis in her neck from birth and required PT and a molding helmet last year. She was delayed on all of her milestones like rolling and sitting up. She has been doing well and we thought we were over the hump. Well lately, DD has been delayed with pulling up, standing, and walking. I mentioned it at her one year well visit in February and they referred us to Early Ons, who assessed her and scored her at 8 months old for gross motor. Later, I started to notice other concerns like a dropped foot. I took her to the pediatrician a few weeks ago and they referred us to neurology and PT, which is next week. DD has been making strides since those initial visits, but she is still struggling. DH and I are doing everything we can to ensure the best outcomes for her from weekly appointments to working with her at home.
With all these interactions, every professional asks about "other kids in the home," trying to determine if there are biological or environmental factors impacting DD. We then have to explain our situation with SS11, explaining that we only see him 6 weeks per year due to a long distance situation. DH and I often get awkward glances and professionals quickly change the topic. Then it's hard to not join the pity party that BM had SS at 19, who is medically perfect, yet DD has had nothing but struggles since Day 1. It makes me go to that dark place of "Why Me and Not Her?"
When my focus should be on DD, I find myself traumatically going down memory lane, replaying all of the psychological abuse we have dealt with from BM and the whole situation with SS that led to this point. I replay all the fights with BM, all the legal battles, the emails with attorneys and government workers, all the texts and emails and gaslighting from BM. I replay the constant messaging that DH and I are total deadbeats and the fact that BM must be right, since she maintains sole legal and physical custody and the courts continue to support her in that. I constantly debate whether we did everything we could. What if DH fought sooner and harder? What if DH demanded a temporary visitation order at birth instead of allowing the courts to rule "at BM's discretion?" What if we didn't go through that period of trying to appease BM just to see SS? What if I never played nice with BM and tried to be a good stepparent and coparent? What if, what if, what if. I still sit in disbelief that the courts didn't see through BM and find her at fault for at least something; parental alienation, false allegations, withholding visitation - something to give DH a fair shot at being an involved Dad to SS. I still can't believe a judge told DH to pay his CS, exercise his measly 6 weeks a year, and let SS be solely raised by BM and GF, all so they can further push the narrative of DH being a willing sperm donor to two loving lesbians who just wanted a family.
Don't get me wrong, I have grown to accept it and I am satisfied with our current arrangement and the limited involvement we have from BM, GF, and their toxic families. I am glad that I get to live my life with DH and DD as a relatively normal family, except the 6 weeks per year that we have SS. But, I can't help but occasionally believe that we are to blame for this situation. I can't help but feel like deadbeats or the "vacation parents" who miss out on all the day-to-day with school, sports, friends, etc. I know that we are not the people that BM makes us out to be, but I also hate that we can never change that narrative and that there are people in BM's life and SS' life who truly believe that DH and I are terrible and detrimental for SS. And it's hard to argue with that narrative when we rarely see SS and have no legal decision making. Even terrible parents are granted more involvement than that.
I have been through years of therapy to work through all of this and I try to take time for self-care. I am good about 80% of the time, but sometimes the effects of the trauma creeps in and I have thoughts like above. I never thought that 10 years of "co-parenting" with BM, solely via DH's email and text, would mess me up this bad, especially given that the last 3ish years have been almost silent, but I guess this is what years of constant and abusive communication, false allegations, and narcissism does to a person. Thanks for listening.
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Feeling for you
If you were my daughter, I'd give you a hug and let you have a good cry. You know that you're displacing your worry about DD somehow, right? You know, and we know, you've gone to every possible length and beyond to have a relationship with SS, right?
From here, it seems like life or karma or whatever is telling you to gently let go of your hopes and wishes for SS. After what you guys have gone thru, that must be a hard thing to do.
At 78yo, I wish you knew the number of children, of relatives, friends, co-workers, who seemed so behind in youth, either physically or mentally. In the overwhelming majority, things have ironed out over the years and these "kids" are functioning adults. Conversely, some of the children who seemed fine have gone off the track.
One thing you might be experiencing is the difference between your expectations (perfect baby) and your reality (baby with challenges). My daughter went thru this with her daughter, my GD31, when she was a baby with speech and other delays. She read about someone else who explained it as a person getting on a train to Paris expecting to see the Eiffel Tower. However, when the train arrives, they are In Holland instead, with windmills and tulips.
All you can do is what you're doing, getting her the best medical care and supporting her the best you can. My GD31 is a functioning adult, doing fine. She is an especially empathetic person, I'm sure it's from dealing with her struggle.
Best wishes to you and DD tonight.
Absolutely regarding outcomes
Absolutely regarding outcomes. To be honest.. it's a double edged sword. I see that the medical comunity has developed a much more sophisticated level of intervention and treatments much earlier.. that can stave off worse issues.. I remember as a kid born in the mid 60's.. that it would have to be a fairly obvious issue to have been noticed and treated. I recall in my early teens a DR noting that he was surprised I hadn't been in leg braces to correct a turned in stance as a child.. but.. and now you analyze how a kid sits.. and the most minor issues.. and yes..some intervention is likely causing other issues.. that make progress difficult.. but again.. the good thing is that since we are more aware.. the chance of finding an issue now is much greater. Had SS been microscoped over 11 years ago.. perhaps there would have been more to find then for him too.
I am so sorry you are feeling this way.
I am so sorry you are feeling this way. It is so easy to get lost in the "what ifs..." And it is so easy for me to say you need to just stop it. But I know how hard that is. I have read your blogs from the beginning and can't see where you and DH have done anything wrong, you fought the good fight and stopped when it made no sense to continue.
I totally understand the lingering effects of the trauma of a long fought custody battle and your feelings are perfectly normal. It also makes sense that some of the issues with DD are bringing it all back. Please hang in there - as you know these feelings won't last forever. I am of the opinion that sometimes it is ok to wallow in the bad feelings for a bit - as long as you don't stay there too long. Things will turn around.
The problem with dipping our
The problem with dipping our toes into the 'what if' stream is we get caught in the undertow and drown ourselves. I'm starting to realize, as I get older, things in life just happen. We just have to live through them. My heart hurts for you, I actually know exactly what you're going through. I let myself get drowned in wave after wave of 'what if' in my attempt to find reasons and answers for things there was no reason for or answer to. I'm not going to tell you to buck up. How you feel is perfectly normal in a situation that is not "normal" but that's okay. Have a good cry, go into the basement alone and scream if need be. Your feelings are valid as long as you don't let yourself drown in them. Have your moments then step back up to deal as your usual kick ass self. No matter what life throws your way I know you've got it Mama! But right now, vent till your venter insn't venting anymore. Have a cry, a scream, hell kick a pillow (not a wall broken toes suck) let yourself feel your feels.
I can't imagine paying all
I can't imagine paying all that money and dealing with all that stress for a kid you see 6 weeks a year. The brightside is that you aren't dealing with back and forth 50/50, the constant stress of that, and still paying all that money.
As far as your child vs Bm's child - stay the course and stand strong in your parenting of your bio. My daughter didn't walk until 18 months and by age 2 she was exactly the same as all the other kids her age. In my area services are thin on the ground and by the time we finally got an appt for an evaluation, she had caught up. Your child will be amazing because they have you and your DH every day. Your SS may seem perfect but his upbringing will mess him up. The stress of BM, GF, and the toxicity with you guys will have an effect. Leave that sh!t at their house. For 46 weeks a year, you and your family have your house to yourselves. Cherish that time and relative peace.
Same here, Rumple! My brilliant nephew (acing physics in university) was a very late walker and continues to be a bit clumsy and uncoordinated. Some kids, although perfectly normal in intelligence are delayed in their motor skills.
Castle, hon, it’s easy for me to say but I wouldn’t start worrying unnecessarily about your little gal when a few months can bring many positive changes.
Your suggestion of you and your husband being ‘deadbeat’ parents is preposterous, considering the significant expenditures and struggles that you have both undergone in order to keep your DH’s child in your lives. No one could have done more! You sound more than a little depressed and I’d love to hear that you have consulted a therapist to address your melancholy.
And by the way, here comes a mammoth internet hug! Hey, let’s make that a dozen! ❤️
Think about SS
And BM, what happened in there life's with DH. Doesn't do you any good. What happened ,,Happened. That's part of DH life. You must focus on DD. And only DD. Medical people either just drop the ball or send you on the medical go around. You must research, your DD condition, and see what the best path for her.
I can appreciate where you're
I can appreciate where you're coming from. I suffered a late term miscarriage and we were asked similar questions- is this the first pregnancy, etc. All I could think about was- what was wrong with ME? DH had a perfecly healthy son, and here I am strugling to get pregnant (I now have DD3 and DS4 mo).
Focus your energy on what you can control. Though tempting to look back at the past- there's nothing you can do about it. I live by the expression "if you wouldn't let someone in your house- don't let them in your head." Your BM sounds NUTS so please don't internalize anything that woman has to say.
Your DD is perfect the way she is. You're just helping her evolve into her best self. Keep up the awesome work, momma!
((HUGS))
Things will work out, and your DD will flourish with all the love you and dH are giving her.
Thank you everyone. I know
Thank you everyone. I know deep down that we did everything we could, but sometimes it's hard to wonder if we had started fighting legally earlier in SS' life, if it would have changed the outcome. It is so hard to feel powerless in a situation like this. These thoughts are fleeting and tend to only arise during episodes of stress.
DD is improving and she is my focus. Her pediatrician is concerned about a possible physical disability, although mild, since I have one as well. You would never tell that I have a disability, but I can feel it physically when exerting myself. It causes tight leg tendons and muscles and I have had several surgeries and procedures. The pediatrician wants neurology to rule this out. DD is in PT as well and is also receiving services from Early Ons, so lately it feels like all doctor appointments and concerning news all the time.
Both ends of life
I snd my DH, with prostate cancer and now also a slow-growing form of leukemia, have constant dr apots, too. Both ends of life....
Everybody loves to play the
Everybody loves to play the “what if” game, I play it all the time. My current favorite what if is “What if I ran into Pedro Pascal at a random party and he couldn’t take his eyes of me, and he’s so enamored with me that he whisks me away to his homeland to make me his sex slave.” It’s all about how you play the game.
In all seriousness thought nothing your DH could have done would have done any good. He procreated with a broken, mentally deranged person who was never going to let him win no matter how hard he tried. If anything he probably would have ended up in a lot worse shape financially and emotionally. I know the trauma is real and it takes time to heal, but it does happen, it just takes a really long freaking time!
Sounds like you and DH are on top of whatever medical issues are befalling DD and that’s way more than a lot of parents do. I mean look at all the made up diagnosis BM manufactures to create some sort of issue for her kid. SS is going to grow up so neurotic when it comes to his medical health that he will probably convince himself he’s dying every three to six months. Whereas your DD will learn how to cope with physical issues and role with the punches.
((((Hugs))))
Take care of you and that baby.
I know that some of the crap resurrects upon occassion and it can be tuff.
Deep breaths.
*give_rose*