Mini wife in the house!!
Since Sd16 moved in with us, it's been....... odd. FDH put her in therapy. She has a lot surpressed rage that's causing her to act out.
She's still angry about FDH moving away after his and Bm's divorce was finalised. Her elder siblings (Sd25 and Ss23) were angry too but they worked with FDH to sort it out. And the both of them are doing well for themselves. Sd25- is studying for her bar exam and Ss23 is is in his third year of medical school. They come over a least 3 times a week.
What was the tipping point for her was when Bm's ex fiancé actually told Sd that she was the biggest mistake that BM and FDH made (she wasn't planned). Bm broke it off that second and kicked him out. Ever since then she's been acting out.
She has made FDH feel gulity for moving away-even for work purposes. She's not acting up as much anymore, doesn't swear, and she stopped slaming doors and wishing everyone would die. She's slowly coming around. Her grades have gone up. The only problem is that she was become a mini-wife in the process.
I can't get 5 minutes alone with FDH without Sd coming and taking him away. Or at the dinner table, the both of them will have a conversation amongst themselves. When me and FDH are talking she inserts herself in it and takes FDH attention. It's really starting to get on my nerves. FDH has also become very defensive about her. He's all like "she so hurt. Howcould I do that to her?" blah blah blah. Or she constantly needs his approval for eveything. From clothes to make up. It's almost an unhealthy obession. She has to know where FDH is at all times!! She will call him and ask him what time he will be home and he responds and will be home on the promised time. HE DOESN'T EVEN DO THAT WITH ME!
It's not like she's lacking friends. She's become very popular at her school but she likes hanging onto FDH. He has more time for her than me. We haven't gone out on a date night for weeks and his exuse "I'm tired" but when she asks him to take her out for dinner, he's all in for it. Our sex life is also suffering. Now he's just not in the mood.
I'm happy he's fixing his relationship with her but it almost feels like I'm being left out to dry. She gets the fun FDH while I get the tried FDH.........
I ADMIT IT I'M JEALOUS OF HER AND I HATE IT
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She is actively competing
She is actively competing with you and winning. The guilt and delight of having her back in his life are an irresistible force right now and she is capitalizing on it. That it is crowding you out only adds to the thrill. 16 year old girls are attention monsters. You surely remember the sudden awareness of your powers of manipulation. Every woman has that period of realization. The only difference is what we choose to do with it. Unfortunately children of divorce tend to start practicing on dadddeeee and, even though in intact families there can be competition between daughter and mom, when it is stepmom there is no reason for restraint.
My suggestion is to "drop the rope" and let her just run with it until she gets tired. You said that she has friends and activities. She will eventually tire of twisting daddy around her finger once she is sure he is there and will be an open wallet for her. And it will not be as fun if you are not there to "mean girl." Then she will let up on the all-consuming attention and your DH will be looking to you again. Of course, how long you want him to twist in the wind alone will be up to you! LOL Until then, be busy and consumed with your own life. Let him "get to know your daughter - the two of you can cook dinner together or go out or something - have fun!" Don't bother telling him that you know what she is doing. He will just accuse you of "being jealous" and enjoy being fought over. Don't play into that. You are older and smarter than she is. Don't forget it.
"DH, I havr planned a date
"DH, I havr planned a date night for the two of us. We're going out because I NEED time with you. It has been a few weeks since we have been able to go, so I planned somethibg we'll both enjoy."
Leave both phones in the car. Don't inform SD you're going on a date - just leave her a note saying you'll be home later.
Do this every 1-2 weeks until symptoms improve or he starts being an arse. Then you have to change tactics again.
Every relationship ends up in a rut, and it's even easier when kids are involved. Just leave her out of it and act like the thing pulling his attention isn't his needy daughter. Being reminded that hanging out with you is fun, too, and realizing his daughter won't die in the 3 hours he is gone may shake him awake a bit.
Too much unresolved history in my book
He moved away when he got divorced. They need family counseling, imho. He created part of the problem, he needs to help solve it
The relationship between your
The relationship between your SD and DH is not a healthy one. He is parenting out of guilt and therefore giving into all her whims and wants to the detriment of your marriage.
SD is wielding this new found power of DH like a kid given free reign in a candy store. She has learned all she has to do is crook her finger and Daddddeee does her bidding.
DH has put SD on the same level as him and has let her know that their relationship is equal, therefore giving up any parental control he could have had in dealing with all of this.
This will not end well for any parties involved. SD will become more unruly and demanding and will continue to use the crutch of "You owe me!" DH will continue to jump through her never ending demanding hoops and will resent you for not understanding that he needs to do this to assauge his guilt that will never go away. And you will come to resent both of them. Her for being a manipulative snot and him for being weak and incapable of standing up for himself.
Certain thing you have to stop
That SD is ona higher place then you, You are the working adult. You are higher on the food chain. DH has to make time for you. Date night two or three times a month. Alone time. Send SD to a movies, find her a BF something. This is up to DH to inforce this. He move far away, he’s a adult he know what he was doing. It’s not a mistake, he just now does not like what happen. But he an adult that is on him.