FML Adopted daughter 20 and her baby 15 mos are homeless as of last night. She wants to come here. FDH is going to freak...help!
So I need help breaking it to him. It's not optional, my kids always have a place to stay. I will get her out as fast as I can but she's coming. FDH doesn't get a choice, but I want to try to break it to him as easy as possible. Any suggestions?
Also, for those who will tell me it's his house too and I should put him first, blah blah blah...reality check is that for me my kids always come first and always will. FDH feels the same about his kids and agrees in theory it should be that way for my kids too. However, he can't always practice what he preaches when it comes to my kids, lol.
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Why will FDH freak? Has he
Why will FDH freak? Has he had issues with her in the past?
They haven't had any issues
They haven't had any issues directly between them. However AD20 was my former step that I adopted as a teen. It was a rough transition for her and she was kind of hard to deal with for about six months till she realized I was in charge and no amount of drama was going to change that or make me kick her out.
Also, FDH is a former marine with very old school values and AD20 is a free spirit emo type with piercings, etc. So they are as different as can be, lol. She also makes stupid choices A LOT....which doesn't endear her to FDH as he has no patience with anyone making mistakes at all (I think that's left over from the military...not sure).
Are her stupid choices the
Are her stupid choices the reason she is homeless? If so, how are you going to address that and help her to make better choices?
Yes they are. I already told
Yes they are. I already told her she's going to therapy to try to figure out why she does the things she does.
Than I am on the fence about
Than I am on the fence about this. Of course, you don't want her and a baby on the street but you can't enable her either. If she knows that she will always be able to land on you when things go bad, she will never learn to be an adult.
I'd let her stay for 90 days, at which time she will have to get her affairs in order and move.
I agree. Sounds fair and
I agree. Sounds fair and balanced
I actually think this is not
I actually think this is not a bad idea. Maybe I should buy a condo or something for when these things come up. We have five kids between us and 3 are young adults. So this may not be the last time someone needs to come home.
Exactly! And even though I
Exactly! And even though I have my own bio and would do anything in the world to help him out... if DH came home and TOLD me that one of his kids were moving in, because they can't handle their affairs as is AND is bringing a baby... I would have a cow!
I would move out until they
I would move out until they moved out. Not even kidding. I lived with pregnant SD18 and her 2 year old at the time, and she moved out when her 2nd kid was 1 1/2 years. I gave an ultimatum either she moves or I get my own place. It's harder then anyone can imagine if you haven't been through it. YOU do end up helping raise the kid, it's chaotic and I DREADED going home every single day. Then, even if they do have a part time job guess who is the convenient babysitter "because she has no one else and she's trying so hard.....? WE fought and fought and fought bc he had to "help" her constantly and he enabled her and I had no peace in my place of comfort- my home.
I know it's easy to do when it's your kid bc of course you want to help them. I'm just saying. I will NEVER go through this again. I will be the one temporarily moving into a place because I need peace and calm.
not an ideal situation. Good luck
Also wanted to add, I know
Also wanted to add, I know everyone's situation is different and this was just my personal experience. I think if you present it to him with a move out date like 3 months or whatever things will go a lot more smoothly.
I am on the fence about this.
I am on the fence about this. I would totally ask DH and then limit your adult kids stay to no more that 30-60days.
But what floors me most about this is that you are actually considering buying a 2nd home for grown people who will not take care of themselves.
They sound enabled right now, can you imagine how they will be if you buy them a home?
Actually both of my daughters
Actually both of my daughters who are over 18 were taking care of themselves for the most part till this happened with AD20. I help out some but not too much. SD20 still lives with BM.
I was just thinking that AD20 may not be the only one who runs into trouble at some point and wants to stay with us. I'm sitting here thinking about whether the risk of them thinking they can stay there forever is greater than the risk of having adult children at home coming between FDH and I.
But then there's the question
But then there's the question about funding for the second home right? What then?
We keep separate finances so
We keep separate finances so that wouldn't be an issue.
Then it sounds like a great
Then it sounds like a great option if FDH isn't onboard. You know, I don't see why he should have a problem with her coming home to get back on her feet. We would open our home to any family temporarily in emergency situations. Really, it's a given in our house, but we still have to warn each other.
I totally agree
I totally agree
This is exactly what happened
This is exactly what happened to me. It was supposed to be a temporary thing. It's been a year and thier lazy assess are not going anywhere soon. It has been hell on our relationship.
Do they get along ok or have
Do they get along ok or have a history of fighting?
I'm sorry your daughter and grandchild are in this situation. There are resources out there to help them and hopefully you can help her find those.
They don't fight but they
They don't fight but they have very different personalities and he doesn't approve of the way she dresses or how she conducts her life. Some of that is valid some of it is just individual choice. For example...I wouldn't pierce my septum but lots of other people do.
You need to check out AZ 's
You need to check out AZ 's department of labor, department of mental health/department of human services and department of children and families. I say the latter because they likely have programs that could help your daughter learn to be a better parent. The department of labor can help in aiding her in getting work skills and finding and keeping a job. The department of mental health/human services can help her in getting counseling to help her overcome her issues and the tough circumstances sheds had in life. There are many resources out there to help her. Best of luck to her.
Your disapproval is clear in
Your disapproval is clear in the tone of your response. And I respect your POV. However, FDH and I agree on this value. Our kids come first. We try not to have to make a choice, but if push comes to shove, we are each comitted to our children first and each other second. We may feel differently in the future as they pull away and have their own families, but right now that's how it is.
However, you are right that it really sucks when we have to put that into practice. I am asking here because I don't want to hurt him. I want to try to avoid as many hurt feelings as I can.....I just clarified that it's not optional because I don't want a bunch of people telling me that I should not let her come.
Don't forget I have agreed to
Don't forget I have agreed to the same in regards to his children. It's a two way street.
You have to approach this the
You have to approach this the right way with him. Only fair since you would expect the same from him. I would have a problem with the emo thing and the mistakes made, so go at this that she is wanting to do better. That may help. I do think the military thing is part of this. I grew up very military and am very conservative because of it. Cut him some slack on that.
I thought it might
I thought it might be...thanks for confirming that. I will try but he sometimes over the top conservative.
Look at it this way, if my DH
Look at it this way, if my DH had a daughter like yours I probably wouldn't have continued the relationship. Her lifestyle, would not have been something I could have gotten past, no matter how it came to be. Although, in my admittance, I wish that my SD had shown her lifestyle on her sleeve so I could have had some warning on that. But, unfortunately, cute gets us all every single time.
I doubt he is over the top conservative, he is ex-military. My parents were strict,(he was an officer and my mom worked for NIS and Forcecom as a civilian) but all of his daughters turned out pretty good, some therapy along the way, but all of us are raising good kids in conservative households.
Good luck with this. I really see executive housing in your future for her. I have said I will move out if my SD17, moves in and ironically, I am taking my SS with me, he even refuses to stay.
Yea, I would definitely
Yea, I would definitely suggest trying to work it out in a way that includes him in the process. FDH and I just had a convo about this the other day - if SD were to ever need to live with us when she was an adult and had no place to go, I said that I would hope I would be included in the process and not just told it was happening. Heck, even now, FDH has a problem with being up SD's butt the first week she's here, forgetting that there's another adult in the house.
So I would definitely talk it out with your FDH in a way that includes him in the process, mapping out a plan together that outlines how long she's allowed to stay, what you both are willing to tolerate, what you both aren't willing to tolerate, and other conditions of her staying. And I'd also let him know that if his kids were ever in this situation, that you would understand if he were to say "yes" to the kid first and then work out the details with you after (of course, you have to mean that, especially since that's what you're doing here).
ETA: Also, I would probably approach it like "I'm very sorry that I didn't talk about this with you before now, but, AD and her baby no longer have a place to live, and I reacted to the situation rather quickly and let her know she could stay here. However, I recognize how I was in the wrong for not including you in that decision and I want to work out the details of this with you since this is also your home and I care about us being partners in this."
Apparently she yelled at her
Apparently she yelled at her boss causing her to get fired. She then was trying to find a new job before rent was due but hasn't. So she didn't have rent and instead of asking me for the money, she yelled at her roomate too so now she's kicked out. Stupid choices.
I definitely will require her
I definitely will require her to be in therapy and to get another job. I want her back on her feet as quickly as possible.
Ahhh, I have a son that used
Ahhh, I have a son that used to do things like this. He had a very bad temper and anytime anyone challenged him he'd get very aggressive and yell and curse etc...Lost more than one job in that fashion. I kicked him out of our home because that was how he chose to handle conflict. He didn't speak to me for an entire year. However, after sleeping on friends couches and moving around from place to place, he began to realize that maybe, just maybe, he had some changes to make. He is now 28, married, living in a beautiful duplex in a very hip part of town and managing a small business a few blocks away from his place of residence. It really hurt me to see my son struggle, but if I took him in every time he screwed things up for himself, he would have never learned a thing.
Sounds like your AD has respect and boundary issues. Be firm in what you expect of her so that she may one day, be able to be on her own.
If this were the other way
If this were the other way around and FDH made this decision about inviting one of his adult kids to live in your home without your input, you'd be pretty ticked off.
He is supposed to be your partner, and decisions like this should be made within that partnership. To do otherwise is extremely disrespectful to the foundations of the partnership.
I hope this works out well for you as it is clear that your heart is in the right place. Be prepared for FDH to flip out that he is being informed about allowing an adult to stay in your household as opposed to being respected as a rightful member of the decision-making partnership.
Had you approached this issue from that partnership standpoint prior to making a decision, I'd bet he'd be a lot more generous about extending an invitation to your daughter than he will be with the approach that you chose to take. There will be a lot of conflict that could have been avoided with a different approach that honors both your daughter and granddaughter AND your FDH.
Actually I wouldn't. In fact
Actually I wouldn't. In fact SD20 usually calls me when she needs help with something cause FDH is pretty hard ass about dispensing help. Like I said no patience with making mistakes at all.
So if she needed to come to our house, I think she'd call me and I'd be telling him about it.
I don't want to overstep or
I don't want to overstep or speak for OP, but she did give him the disclaimer thAt her kids "come first" so IMO it won't be a real shocker to him about her decision. She's just looking for input about how to make it easier for him? Is that close to it Yosemite?
Exactly! I guess I am looking
Exactly!
I guess I am looking for help in finding the little bit of sugar to help the medicine go down.
There is nothing sweet enough
There is nothing sweet enough to take the sting out of this situation.
Baaahhhaaahhaa that is funny!
Baaahhhaaahhaa that is funny!
I agree with Shaman. And as
I agree with Shaman. And as time ticks away, there will be less sugar to find.
I'm trying very hard to be
I'm trying very hard to be compassionate to the OP, a fellow SM.
Unfortunately this is hitting way too close to home for me and my own situation.
My marriage is dangerously close to ending for this very reason, making decisions that affect me, without including me. Or making decisions to which I'm completely opposed.
I believe this situation is going to get worse, rather than better for the OP.
Speaking from experience, the objection may not be the DD20 & 15 mo old baby living there. The objection is going to come the hurt and humiliation the FDH is going to feel because he was completely left out of such an important decision.
Sugar: be ready to compromise
Sugar: be ready to compromise with him. Someone up-thread had a great idea of allowing her 90 days to get back on her feet and then she's out.
Your daughter is homeless because of her own bad choices. Sometimes a parent's job is to assist without enabling. I feel like you're going for enabling, because "your kids always come first." The reality is that your daughter is 20. She's adult and should know that flying off the handle has consequences. Why enable her to avoid this reality by threatening your relationship with FDH in order to save her from her own bad choices?
Again, I think your heart is in the right place, but it seems like you're going to put your relationship at risk so you can enable your daughter. I understand that she has a baby to take care of too, and you are stepping in because of that, but there is quite a large grey area between "she's coming to live with us and FDH has to accept that. My kids come first" and doing nothing. Go for the grey area and allow FDH to be involved in making decisions.
An attitude of "my (adult) kids come first" is cutting off your nose to spite your face, in my opinion.
FDH kind of has that same
FDH kind of has that same double standard but doesn't say so. We agree with each other in theory. He's happy about it when it comes to his kids but struggles when the shoe's on the other foot.
I want to understand this
I want to understand this double standard badly! Everybody yells at me when I ask questions.Can someone pm or blog this explanation to me (without insulting or belittling me) I'm sorry, but it fascinates me and I am in no way trying to offend.
Double standard for me- I
Double standard for me- I love my own bio. I dont like my skids. I dont wish any ill will on them but I dont love them.
Even if my bio was behaving in a way I dont like, he is my own child, so his bad faults and behaviors wouldnt bother me as much as it would if it was the skids.
I have raised my own bio in my home. My skids, no. My home has never been their home. (With the exception of SS) So I feel that my bio can always come back "home" if needed. (Obviously certain situations apply because I still need to parent him to become an independent adult and be able to land on his own 2 feet).
When the skids are in my home now for visits they are rude, inconsiderate, bitchy, they steal, etc. So why would I be okay with that as my living situation. Visitation is one thing, but to live like that in my own home- not going to happen.
If my DH and his ex wife (BM) had raised kids that didnt steal, that didnt hate me just because I married DH, that knew how to act when in someone else's home, that knew how to be respectful and kind, we wouldnt have this problem of double standard.
Thankfully my BS is only 8, so I have years to go before this could ever become a reality.
ETA: I would always consult my DH first though before moving my BS in.
I'm not sure what you're
I'm not sure what you're asking.
If you are asking for the meaning of what a double standard it, that is when you have one set of expectations for others to follow in a given situation but you have a different set of expectations for yourself in the same situation.
If you are asking why do people have this specific double standard between bios and skids....it's biology. We are hardwired to love and help our offspring. That makes us waaaay more understanding of our bios or other kids we've bonded with than we would be of anyone else's kids. It's all about bonding and chemicals.
Example: My child is acting up because he is tired and can't help it. Your child is acting up because he's a brat with no home training.
Ok thank you all for going
Ok thank you all for going into more detail. Do your husbands ever argue that it is a double standard? Why does DH not have any luck with the "those are my bios" argument? If you say it's because his bios never lived with him full time, causing them to be unruly or whatnot, could he not argue that is the very reason they must come live with him? I don't want to hijack this thread, but I did want to thank you for the input
I totally get it from a
I totally get it from a mother's perspective at least. Even though, in theory there is a double standard, when it comes to the safety and wellbeing of my kids,all bets are off. Thanks again
I have to be honest with you.
I have to be honest with you. I am facing the possibility of a divorce because my H seems to believe making life and/or financial decisions that affect me, with out discussing them with me, is normal and acceptable.
I am livid that he chooses to do this, since he feels that most of these decisions revolve around his child, so I should have no say in the matter.
You considering doing to your FDH that my H does to me.
I get it's your kid, I really do. But when you leave your partner out of these decisions, you're basically telling them "You don't matter to me and your feelings aren't important enough to me to consider."
I am sorry you are going
I am sorry you are going through that.
However in my situation, this is a fundamental agreement between us. We are parents first and everything else second.
Thank you guys for all your
Thank you guys for all your help!
I will try to frame this in a way that makes him feel part of the process and I have no issue with him being part of creating the exit plan/rules.
I am seriously considering the condo idea...just not sure if it would wind up worse in the long run if she wanted to just stay there.
AD20 will be going to therapy and if she continues to make choices that impact her ability to take care of her daughter, I am not above forcing her hand by calling CPS or taking her to court for guardianship. The situation would have to get a lot more extreme than it is now for me to do that though.
Just curious if she has
Just curious if she has anywhere else to go or anyone else that can help in this situation?
No. I suppose she could try
No. I suppose she could try staying with BD19 but her place is very small, they would be at each others throats in hours, and I think it would just delay her coming home, not prevent it.
The downside with the condo
The downside with the condo idea is that you need to strike the balance between being a safety net for her and enabling her, and with a second residence there is no way to kick her out if it ever comes to that.
You would be doing your daughter absolutely no favors if you purchase a second home for her to stay in while she gets her life together and she enjoys the cushy lifestyle so much that she does nothing to get her life together. What do you do then? You can't evict her as she's not a renter.
Staying in your home (with FDH's permission) for a finite and defined period of time seems like the best option to me, because it gives her shelter for enough time to get her life together, but it also allows you the power to enforce an end date to the parental safety net.
Yea I'm inclined to agree
Yea I'm inclined to agree that having a second residence for the kids to "crash" if they need a safety net can be a bad thing.
GUBM's one brother (I don't know where he fell in the age order or anything, I just know it was one of her three loser brothers) had a life guided by bad decisions. Drugs, alcohol, laziness, not working, stealing; if you can think of a bad decision, he likely made it repetitively. GUBM's dad purchased a condo for him to live in because he was consistently getting kicked out of other places, expecting him to clean up his act and get himself together. It didn't help the situation at all. Not only was GUBM's dad stuck footing the bill on a condo for years, but, the guy wound up spiraling downwards and overdosed on drugs. It's an extreme scenario to be sure, but, it's not completely off base, especially if AD's newfound homelessness is the result of bad choices she has made.
And I absolutely agree that the best option is to have your AD stay for a finite period of time, with rules and boundaries set in place that can be enforced by you and your FDH.
I haven't read the thread, as
I haven't read the thread, as I need to pop out but I just wanted to give my thoughts. I had a similar conversation about this theoretically happening in the future with my husband the other day. (BM and SD6 were thrown out of their house by BM's step dad late one sunday night, my husband said that he would never throw his daughter out, I was disgusted, I don't want a lazy adult living off us and in our house).
The only way I would be comfortable with it is if I knew it was a temporary arrangement which would enable SD to move on with her life and become self sufficient. So my thoughts are to say that initially it is a temporary arrangement for say 1 or 2 weeks or a month but during that initial period you would really like to work on a plan that the 3 of you can agree on that will help your daughter get back on her feet. Whether that involves applying for work or for welfare or whatever and then give that plan a set amount of time (say 3 or 6 months or something). Also the 3 of you can establish some house rules so that you are all comfortable with what is expected of you. This way you are all on the same page. You must however make your daughter believe that after that time period you expect her to move out (even if you intend to give her some leeway). If after the time period has elapsed and your daughter has done nothing towards moving her life forwards then it will be up to you if you want to continue to support her and up to your husband if he wants to put up with it. This is one of the only ways that I would be happy with my SD moving back in with me, is if she had a clear plan for moving back out and knew that this was a temporary arrangement.
Set clear time frames and boundaries from the beginning.
I love him and would be
I love him and would be destroyed if he left over this. But at the end of the day, my kids do come first. I like your theory but I am a plain and to the point person. I don't want any room for misunderstanding if you make me choose between you and my kid, you lose. NO matter how much that may hurt me.
Because he'd been hassling me
Because he'd been hassling me to do it for over 5 years so I finally caved. Now we are getting married in May. I really would be fine with just shacking up together forever but FDH has those old school values.
Serious question though- I
Serious question though- I mean how often do adults come back home after moving out?
Once I moved out, that was it. I never came back home to live. Same with my sister and my friends and relatives. I cant think of one friend who became an adult and moved out and then had to move back in with their parents.
I mean I know it happens. There are circumstances and situations that thankfully myself or my circle of people have never experienced that would lead us to having to move back home. It's not always a bad thing if you do have to move back home as I know things happen.
I will also state that my friends and family we come from "lower" income people. We work hard to keep what we have because we know what its like to not have something.
Not to take away from the OP but I am just really curious if adult kids (bio or step) really do come back home so much that you would need to purchase a second home, etc. Or in the day is this really a common occurrence?
I went back home once and
I went back home once and only once. I needed a place to live - I was in a high conflict household at the time with a ridiculous roommate and had just been diagnosed with Crohn's. I needed to get out, gather some money, work on getting a solid treatment plan, and get a new place to live. I approached my mom with my plan in a business like manner. I laid out my plan, I told her that I was willing to follow whatever rules she and my grandparents had, and I said that I would be there for three to four months, tops, as that was how long I had calculated that it would take for me to save up a downpayment for another rental while paying my way at her house. I also had a backup plan if she had refused because I wasn't going to put her in the situation of being forced to let me move back home. My sister had a lot to do with the way I approached the situation.
My sister still lives with my mom. She moved in there "temporarily" in 2004, right after she and her husband had married and had only left for a six month stretch (which happened to coincide with the three months I lived back at my mom's). My mom never forced her to pay for rent, my sister never offered either. So of course she's still going to live there and not want to leave; now she has four kids, two enrolled in the local school district, and there's no way she can afford to even so much as rent a place in that school district. It's an easy ride and she gets built-in babysitting. When my grandparents were still alive and my mom worked, they watched the kids whenever she wanted them to, but now that my mom is retired and my grandparents have passed away, my mom is the babysitting service.
I've also known a few other people who have moved out of their parents' houses only to move back in and never leave, and the common denominator always seems to be the parents not enforcing that the kids pay their way when they move back or otherwise contribute to the household. There also seem to never be time limits on their stay, either. Like, a friend I used to have, she used to have her own place with a guy and then moved back home when they split up. Her mom asked her to help contribute, but, never enforced it and before she knew it, her daughter went from being 24 and moving back home temporarily to being 30 with all her bills being paid by her mom and stepdad because she was spending all of her paychecks either on clothes for herself, stuff for her small collection of animals, or at the bar.
It is not a common occurrence
It is not a common occurrence where I live. I know one person who moved back in with his parents when he was about 26. And it was because his company actually shut down. It was something totally out of his control.
I would bet money that his parents would not have let him come back if he was homeless due to the reasons in this situation.
EDIT TO ADD ... This was also 25 years ago and people parented their kids WAY different than they do today.
For me, the kid moving back
For me, the kid moving back in isn't the issue.
I think the lack of trust and respect the OP has for her FDH is going to shake the foundation of their relationship.
I would be so upset if my DH
I would be so upset if my DH told me that his kids will always come before me. That would crush me.
My FDH feels the exact same
My FDH feels the exact same way about his own children too!
Maybe in time we'll feel different but it's been almost six years, 3 of the kids are young adults now and we BOTH still agree on this issue.
It's just hard when it's your turn to be on the receiving end.
Children are your first
Children are your first responsibility, your marriage should be your first priority. To raise healthy kids, your marriage should always be first, your children second.
Of course, if the spouse is an abusive son of a B, then that won't apply of course.
I'm sorry, and I don't mean to be an a**hole, but hearing how you "caved" and him "hassling" you to marry him, I don't see the odds of happily ever after, being in your favor.
Is this the first time that
Is this the first time that this "my kids come first" policy is going to be tested?
It may seem like a good policy in theory. It's certainly pushed on all of us in this day and age. In actuality, the child-centric style of rearing erodes adult relationships, including between bio parents. How many couples look at each other with no affection and common ground once the kids are older because no one bothered to nurture the relationship? It's not a surprise that couples with kids these days tend to be the unhappiest group, as opposed to childless couples and singles.
It didn't used to be this way. People recognized that maintaining adult relationships was not at odds with the health and safety of children, and the adult relationships always came first. And - guess what - kids grew up secure and became responsible adults. Now all these young adults raised in the "my kids come first" generation are out there acting like spoiled selfish brats, wondering why the rest of the world refuses to revolve around them the same way that their parents did.
Like someone else said, I think you're in for a very rude awakening if you think you can have a trusting adult relationship co-existing with a "my kids always come first" policy. Especially when you're talking about an adult whose temper is the cause of her current housing crisis. As hard as it is to believe, "my kids come first" may have actually been to the detriment of her maturity and sense of responsibility.
No we have had other issues
No we have had other issues in the past on both sides. His kid= his decision but my kid=my decision.
I admit it's hard when you are the one who has to accept the other person's decision.
I don't know why everyone thinks I am easy on my kids, lol. I am one of the strictest parents there is. AD20 came to me as a teen with MAJOR issues. The fact that she is doing as well as she has is a miracle.
Her father is in prison and her BM was abusive and eventually abandoned her, but not before allowing several of her boyfriends to have their way with AD in exchange for drugs and eventually using drugs with her daughter. All before she was 13. So yeah, she's got issues.
And NO ONE is going to make me give up on her too. Even people I like on the internet, lol.
Do you have a timeline for
Do you have a timeline for her? Or will she be a permanent guest?
Yeah. Yosimite, there's
Yeah.
Yosimite, there's quite a large difference between the total safety net that you want to give to your adult SD and giving up on her. Everyone's advice has fallen in the category of supporting her without enabling her (and I believe enabling behavior actually falls under "giving up on her"). I haven't seen anyone saying to give up on her.
You seem to see things only in black and white right now, and that's probably because you're panicking. That's okay.
There is a happy medium that you can find to help support your daughter temporarily that you can work out with your FDH. Everyone is trying to tell you that's the answer, but you are charging ahead full-force taking any decisions out of the hand of the man who is supposed to be your life partner and reassuring yourself that this is what a person does to be a good mother.
But did you know you can be a good, independent, supportive, non-enabling mother AND have a wonderful joint-decision making partnership with FDH too? You truly can have it all!
FDH can understand that this is important to you and look past AD's style of dress, etc. He's going to want her to to get her life together, though, and I think you should want that for her too. If it means she gets some tough love to force her to do that for herself (and for her child!), then so be it. I doubt you'd be marrying FDH if you didn't find him to be a compassionate person at his core. Fight your isolation survival instincts and turn toward the man you love instead of turning away from him.
FDH doesn't have the
FDH doesn't have the authority to kick out AD. If she yelled at him he would most likely yell back, then tell me so I could deal with her.
My kid = my decision
Oh and emo is probably an
Oh and emo is probably an outdated term. It's short for emotional. Refers to someone who has piercings, typically wears black or band tshirts, dyes their hair either black or dramatic colors, sometimes does dramatic face make up. Sometimes cut themselves. Angst and drama.
I didn't say I think she is
I didn't say I think she is too damaged to ever be independent.
I said in the original blog that I will get her out as soon as I can. You many not have seen them, but in previous replies I have stated I want her to go to therapy to deal with all the stuff that has been stirred up that has her so angry, that I want her to get a job and that if I have to I will call CPS or pursue guardianship of the baby if AD continues to make poor choices that impact her ability to care for her child or the situation gets worse.
In general, I do believe that parents are obligated to their children until they are mature enough to stand on their own two feet. 18 is not some magic age where all children are ready, just most of them. There are outliers. Some need extra support to a later age and there are also 16 year olds who could run a household if they had to.
I think the parents have to determine what is best for their child and act accordingly. I am also not opposed to tough love, I just don't think that is what she needs right this minute. It is however, why I allowed her to leave the first time instead of just relaxing my rules.
Real friend are in short
Real friend are in short supply for AD20.
I can afford to flat out pay for her to live somewhere. A previous poster suggested having two homes might be the answer....but I have two concerns. One is that she might get too comfortable in her own space without having to follow my rules and two is that I am worried about the baby since AD is having anger issues.
While she has been a good mom and I don't think she would hurt the baby, AD comes from an abusive home and these things tend to cycle.
As far as throwing out AD20 I am capable of that if I decide it's necessary. I also am capable of calling CPS or pursuing guardianship if she did hurt the baby or even just keeps making poor choices that impact her ability to care for her.
By you taking AD20 and her
By you taking AD20 and her baby in, how is that suppose to help her and teach her right from wrong? I see this as a rescue situation but not in AD20's best interest. Are you doing this for yourself?
Quite frankly I'm doing it
Quite frankly I'm doing it because I am worried about the baby. I have the money to just go get an apt for AD.
However, she asked to come home and said she would follow my rules. That tells me she's really needs my help.
All this anger coming out on everyone makes me worried about the baby. Even though she's a good mom who has never hurt her, AD is immature and I'd like to be able to keep a closer eye on things short term until she's in therapy. It's called an abuse cycle for a reason.
I understand your concerns
I understand your concerns for the baby, I really do but I'm trying to understand how this will help her in the long run. Maybe you can take the baby in however AD20 needs to figure things out for herself.
Actually I would not need
Actually I would not need another job to afford to pay for AD to have her own place. I could afford to pay for that plus a place for her BM if I wanted to.
That's not the point. I would do anything for AD, but I hate her BM.
Also, as I said in a previous reply, I was considering the idea of getting a condo. However, I am worried about AD getting too comfortable and worried about her being alone with the baby while she's having these anger issues. She's a good mom and has never hurt her baby, I don't think she would, but they call it an abuse cycle for a reason.
AD asked me to come home vs. asking for money to get a place. So I am thinking she really needs more that just a place to sleep.
Sorry if this has already
Sorry if this has already been asked and answered, but I don't want to wade through 6 pages of comments... When does she move in? How much lead time before you talk to your FDH?
She's at my sister's studio
She's at my sister's studio apt until I have a chance to talk to FDH when he gets off work. I haven't said anything to him. I was hoping for help with that and I got some useful responses plus a side of judgement.
TBH, I can see why your FDH
TBH, I can see why your FDH feels the way he does. He's military (please thank him for his service for me). He has no room for mistakes, and no tolerance for them. He even applies that to his own kids. If he treats his own kids like that he will treat others like that.
There are ways to help your daughter without moving her into your home. Someone had a good idea of buying a condo for her. Maybe you could find an apartment for her to rent and pay it until she has a job. Here are some other resources for her. There are many resources out there. I know you will disagree but I do think letting her move in is enabling her to an extent. That's not judgment. That's me saying that I know people who lived at home for years after they got out of college and had a hard time adjusting to the real world. There are many, many, many ways you can help her without letting her move in. That may mean helping her find public housing. That may mean driving her to a class about employment skills. That may mean babysitting while she attends counseling. That may mean letting her hit rock bottom. Sometimes people have to hit rock bottom in order to make changes and improve their lives.
http://www.azhousing.gov/PageList.aspx?CID=11
http://www.azhousing.gov/ShowPage.aspx?ID=170&CID=11
http://www.azhousing.gov/PageList.aspx?CID=16
http://www.ica.state.az.us/ (Department of Labor)
http://www.ica.state.az.us/Labor/Labor_PvtEmp_main.aspx
http://www.ica.state.az.us/HR/HR_HumanResources_main.aspx
http://www.azdhs.gov/bhs/index.htm
http://www.azdhs.gov/bhs/recipients/CommunityResources.htm
https://www.azdes.gov/
https://www.azdes.gov/main.aspx?id=3331
https://www.azdes.gov/main.aspx?id=3319
http://azchildcare.org/countylist.html
Ladies it may not always seem
Ladies it may not always seem like it but I REALLY do appreciate all the different perspectives. It's very helpful to see what others think, especially those that think differently than I do.
I'm stressed about this situation and I am not taking things as well today as I normally do. I want you all to know that I appreciate you sharing your honest opinions with me, whether I like them or not.
Yosemite - I wanted you to
Yosemite - I wanted you to know I'm not judging you. I'm just on the receiving end of this kind of situation and it's all but destroyed my relationship.
I don't want to see anyone else go through this. It sucks.
You sound like a person who
You sound like a person who has a mistaken understanding of the term narcissist.
But thanks for your input!