It isn't one thing that he said. For months he has been making snide comments on everything to do with BD19. He has very different ideas on parenting than I do, especially once the kids are grown. He resents me helping out the grown kids. I gave BD19 $2000 to put down on a car and ever since then it has been one nonstop bitchfest. However, our finances are separate, it's my money and I don't see how he can complain about the future when I make more money, have more savings and more money in my retirement accounts. Basically once he realized he wasn't getting anywhere with me, he started just complaining about her in general. He doesn't like her clothes, her major, the way she keeps her apt, her friends, on and on and fucking on.
When he apologized, he said he feels like she has it too easy. I help out his daughter and my adopted daughter as well, so I'm not playing favorites.
I will say though, that I do feel extra protective of BD19 because her father abused her. It was a long time ago, I put him in prison for it, we all went to therapy for a long time and she is doing well.
She doesn't live with us, I don't ask him to do anything for her, so I really don't see why he feels the need to complain about her all the time. I am aware that many here would agree with him. Hell I even told him to sign up for an account because I was tired of hearing his mouth.
ETA- I meant to say agree with him about spending money on adult children.

For me, I don't mind if he has a legitmate complaint or request that's bothering him, i.e. "BS left his stinky shoes in the living room, he needs to stop doing that" is fine. I don't mind him telling the kids stuff like that directly. I don't even mind if he occasionally looses his cool and yells if there is a valid reason for it.
It's the endless,pointless character assassination that is bothering me. Pretty much if BD19's name comes up, he has a snide remark. It comes across as petty and jealous, which is SUPER unattractive.

Maybe I can try some kind of phrase to let him know he's getting to me so he can stop. Thanks for the idea.
Glass houses probably wouldn't work because I don't have big complaints about my steps. Most complaints I would make about them I could make about my own too. Their mother is another story, lol.
I hope I start feeling better about this. I love him verrry much and this whole thing is depressing me.

I think once he realized how much he was pissing me off he was sorry about that. Do I think he feels differently about BD19? No.
Maybe you're on target.

Yes. That seems to have been some kind of catalyst for him. He almost seems to think that when kids move out they are no longer part of the family. That thinking is weird to me, because my children will always be part of my family, although I do realize they will create their own families too. As it is now, I help them less now than before and I expect to continue to phase things out as it seems appropriate. I am certainly not supporting them now, just helping out. While I don't feel the need to get FDH to cosign on every decision I make in regards to my money and my kids, I do carefully consider every request, I have said no and I do not just hand them money willy nilly.

I wish FDH would get to that place. I was always raised you don't talk shit about someone's family to them or in front of them, even if you don't like the family member in question. I have never done so, except in a direct argument to the person's face.
FDH would never talk badly about someone else's kids. I don't see why the fact that I love him means all common courtesy is out the window and he can trash talk mine.

I think you're right that I need to talk to him again and let him know where I am. I hate that I can't just let it go since we theoretically already made up. But I'm gonna have to suck it up.
As for the money, we have no joint funds. We each pay half of joint bills and all of our personal bills. I don't know or care what he does with the rest of his.

We still have two young boys, my BS13 and SS10, so no empty nest yet. I know he would rather spend my money some other way, but since I earned it, he doesn't get to choose. He is free to go earn some more money and decide how to spend that money if he wants to.

Maybe. He said he thinks she has it too easy. I know he doesn't have as strong of a bond with BD19 for several reasons.
1. She was already a prickly teen when we got together.
2. It took her a really long time for her to be comfortable around FDH because of the abuse by her father. I think he took it kind of personally as if her fear meant that she was painting him with the same brush. My other two took to him right away and were almost grateful to have him in their lives. BD19 on the other hand, took a really long time to even be comfortable being in the same house if I wasn't there.
3. BD19 is really, really smart. She doesn't have casual conversations, she explores her latest theory, LOL. FDH complains that he has to have a dictionary with him to know what she's talking about. He's no dummy, but you can almost see his eyes glaze over when he's listening to her. They have very little common ground.

ETA- But I don't think any of these things excuse his constant critism. She's not his type of person, got it, check. Do we really need to go over that all the time?

I get it about the money. You know what, I'd rather do something else with the money he spends on his child support and on his kid too. But he earned his money, so he gets to decide what to do with it.
I earned mine and I'll decide. It'd be different if I was using his money or if he had to subsidize me because I spent money on my kids.

I'm sure that's at least part of it. I'm sure he could put my money to good use. I could put the neighbor's money to good use too. But it's not mine. I didn't sign up to hand over my money for him to decide what he wants to do with it. If he was looking for a sugar mama, he better keep looking.

I'm gonna talk to him again. I'm not sure what else I need from him, but I am still sooooo angry. I even found myself looking at houses for sale in our school district earlier. I am shocked at myself.