I feel defeated....
I've been telling FDH for a little over a month now, that I really don't feel like family b/c no one has taken any time to try and get to know me. But I never made a big deal about it to them, b/c you can't force someone to like you.
So Saturday was Scooty's (SD5) dance recital, and my FDH had to work, but Scooty begged me to please come. So I call soon to be MIL, explain the stitch and all the drama that has gone on with BM lately (her blocking custody, not wanting me to be near Scooty, and trying to break me and FDH up). We decide to meet out front (her, me, and my mom). We show up and STBMIL is sitting next to BM, chit chatting and rubbing her back and being all affectionate! So during the whole recital she's showering BM (aka exwife) with affection and ignoring her STBDIL, all in front of my mom. My mom was livid, and very hurt for me. Scooty was the only joy for me on Saturday, she was telling all her little friends that the girl with the red hair was going to be her stepmom and she ran to me 1st for post show hugs! (I love that lil girl!)
Saturday evening, I tell my FDH what had happened and how bad it had hurt my feelings. And that I now know that I am not a part of the family, but BM definately is! I do not like confrontations and fighting, and I will often sacrifice my feelings for the overall picture. And of course I did that, and asked FDH not to say anything, and i'd go about my fake grin-and-bare life.
Last night (Sunday), I find out that FDH called his mom to talk about everything, he couldn't not do anything b/c I was hurt..atleast that was his reasoning. Well, FDH's sister calls him and basically bitches me out for being "petty" and that I need to get over it b/c BM was part of their fam for so long, blah blah blah. Here's the twisted part BM and FDH were together for 6 years and had 1 child. BM cheated on FDH with "bitching sisters" husband (FDH's BIL, I know confusing) and another man who she ended up leaving FDH for. They've been divorced for almost 3 years, BM continually blocks FDH on custody of their daughter, and actively tries to break our relationshiop (good luck with that). And then there's me (i'm not big on stroking my ego, but...)I've been with FDH for over a year now, I have stood by FDH's side through everything, and I have opened my heart and home to Scooty and have taken great care of her on our weekends. I've never spoken bad of BM in front of Scooty, and I encourage good relationships between them all for Scooty's sake.
I don't know what to do now, I just feel so deflated and defeated! My future IL's are so close to BM who has proven to have no respect for this family, and won't even take a chance getting to know me when i've worked my butt off to prove that i'm worthy! It just hurts really bad, I know there's nothing I can do, and I know that FDH and Scooty love me and that's what's important. I just feel lost...
- luckykell's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Lucky, I can't tell you how
Lucky,
I can't tell you how sad I am for you. It seems like you were really excited about the whole situation and then you just got shut out.
I too am not close with FH's family. His mom doesn't live in the country but most of his siblings do. All the SIL's favor BM and are always walking down memory lane. Sometimes I just have to get up and remove myself from the situation.
The important thing is that FDH was hurt because you were hurting and was willing to confront his family. That to me shows that you have the most important people in your corner, him and Scooty :).
Let MIL and BM have each other. As much as it hurts its important not to stoop to their level.
What are you planning to do should another situation like this come up?
I actually am not sure what
I actually am not sure what I'll do when another situation like this comes up. I wish there was a guide book that gave us all the answers! With every day life stuff similar to the recent events i'll get hurt, just let it roll off my back, and put my brave face on. But my big hold up is my wedding! Thankfully it's a year away and hopefully some things will be resolved by then. But if not, I know they are his family, but why would I want someone who doesn't support our marriage at our wedding?! (It's a destination wedding, so it's not just a drive across town to church) I haven't really put too much thought into it, i'm only 26 and have high BP that I take beta blockers twice a day for...so right now, i'm trying to take care of me and "hide" in my little cave until I can figure things out. Any advice on how people have handled similar situations would be appreciated, b/c i'm at a loss!! Thank you for the kind words Giana!
"Live well, Love much, Laugh often."
LK, these are the issues
LK, these are the issues that led me to ST. I have SILs that buddied up to BM when DH and I got married. They were so rotten to us both, it doesn't make sense, but it was about control. And jealousy. I have no problem with people maintaining relationships "after all these years" but to slight the new wife/gf is where it goes too far. Why does it have to be either/or? That's why there is more here than meets the eye. It is up to your DH to draw the line with these people. My DH let them know plainly that if they are rude to me, they are being rude to him and I come first, way ahead of siblings! (his mom loves me)
The only defense you have is to stop trying to prove yourself worthy. You ARE worthy but with these types, you will never make the grade because it's about putting you in your place. Disengage. Be cordial but minimize contact, don't initiate. Hold your head up. I had to do all this and it is not easy, I have cried a lot and been deeply wounded and dismayed because what a waste of energy it all is. Why not just be nice to each other, a real family? However, there are many people with personality disorders who thrive on in group-out group, control, and drama. Sounds like you are in one such family.
Lizzie made great
Lizzie made great points..... You don't have to prove you are worthy to BM or the in-laws. You are with your future husband and the vows will be between you and he. Screw the rest of them.
My Inlaws are great. However every time I show up at anything SD asks me to attend..... BM and her family try to be rude..
But i always walk in with my head high and a smile on my face. I am cordial and enjoy my SDs event. I never let them see me sweat.
I could really care less what they think. I am doing the best i can, remaining positive with SD and DH and they can kiss where the sun doesn't shine. Keep your joy about your upcoming marriage, sd and DH..... Screw them and BM.
********She doesn't have to love me or even like me - it doesn't change a dang thing..... So get over it and move on BM!************
Oh, that sucks! Ah, you are
Oh, that sucks! Ah, you are a bigger woman than me...hmmm...but, be happy your DH stood up for you...not all do...With that said, don't worry, what goes around comes around...hmmm...and provided your DH stands up for you, then too bad for the rest of the family...incl. the sister.
I went through alot with DH's family...unfortunately, DH always tried to make peace...I wish he had been like your DH. It has taken 10 years, yes, 10 freaking years for his mother to finally see his crazy witch ex for what she is...It has taken 10 years for his mother to finally tell me, "thank you for everything you have done for MY SON! that woman will NEVER come into my house again..." So, yes, it does happen...it just takes a long time sometimes...Believe me, at some point she WILL show her true colors...at some point the ILs WILL get sick of it...it happens...
PS - my mom's aunt did the same thing with her ex-daughter-in-law...allowed her into her house, blah, blah...while the new wife, now married almost 15yrs or more put up with the crap...until just last year...my mom's aunt's daughter passed away and the crazy ex-wife just HAD to show up, just HAD TO go sit by the ex-in-laws in the funeral home, just HAD TO go inside the house and sit with the ex-in-laws and chat...all while their son stood by his wife on another bench at the funeral home, or outside the house...you know what? FINALLY my mom's aunt got SICK OF IT! after the crazy ex left she told EVERYONE there how innappropriate she was, how uncomfortable she felt, how she wanted HER SON there, not her, blah...I don't believe they speak much anymore...hehe...