At what age can you talk to a skid about this?
Before I get started, please let me preface this blog by saying this is in NO WAY a BM Sux blog, or talk negative about OP blog. This is a request for advice.
At what age do you think it is appropriate to sit down with skid to talk about 'our' (FDH and myself) lives being separate from BM's life? I'll give examples in a minute, but the reasoning behind this question is b/c Scooty (SD) is only 5 and I know she isn't ready yet. But I also don't want her being raised to think that we are best bud's with her mom. She thinks this b/c she's a 5 year old little girl who thinks everyone loves her mom...nothing wrong with that, and quite normal. Just in our situation, obviously not true!
Ex. #1:
Scooty: Luckykell, do you read your Bible every day?
Luckykell: No, but I have one, and I read it when I want to.
Scooty: Well, my mama reads hers every day, did you know that?
Luckykell: {gives non-commital nod}
Scooty: Did you know that,luckykell?
And this goes on until FDH finally says, Scooty please stop asking questions. He knows I won't say yes "just to shut her up" b/c I don't want her thinking I'm friendly with her mom. (BM and I are very civil, and able to talk about parenting just fine...I just have no respect for her outside of that and don't care to know about her personal life. And I sure as heck don't want her knowing about my personal life!) If I answer 'no' to Scooty, it's then followed up with a "why?". And I can't very well say "B/C I don't like your mommy" to a 5 year old.
Ex.#2:
Luckykell: {just getting out of shower and drying off}
Scooty: {barges in w/out knocking} Luckykell what are you doing?
Luckykell: {frantically covering herself} I just got out of the shower, and now I'm getting ready for work.
Scooty: {who obviously just saw a lot more of me than I have wished} My mama's belly isn't that big.
Luckykell: "FDH!!! COME GET YOUR DAUGHTER"
First, I would just like to say I'm not a big person but I do have some curves. BM just happens to be a personal trainer with like no body fat...lucky me.
These are only a couple of the examples, I could go on..but I think you guys get the point. So again, when is the best time to talk to Skids about not comparing families, and that we don't know BM's life and don't want to know BM's life. We obviously would tell her this has no affect on her relationship with either parent, and we're happy that she has a great relationship with both.She's only 5 right now, and if we talk to her I'm afraid she won't quite "get it" and just get upset. So recommendations please? Thanks!
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I think sometimes kids do
I think sometimes kids do the comparison thing as their way of coping with two families. Choochoo does this sometimes but since he's mine I just say, "um yeah choochoo that is great but this isn't daddys house. It is our house and we do it the way we want, not the way daddy does it.different houses have different ways of working". There might be some good articles out there you can read and see if they have age suggestions for having the talk. It's a tough thing to do... I hope you find a good solution. Love the nickname for your sd...so cute;) **********"Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."
..."I'm not mean, you're just a sissy."
There are gentle ways to
There are gentle ways to respond that will let her know that you aren't friends with her mother. You don't have to say bad things, but if she says "did you know my mommy......" You can respond with "No, honey, I did not know that because your mommy and I are not friends, but it is very nice that mommy does that". Creature used to do this all the time (she is almost 6 now, but I remember about a year ago when she did this). I don't bad mouth her mother, but I do talk to her about friends and how we get to choose to know things about different people and I have my friends and her mommy has her friends and we are not friends with each other because we are different. Then I told her all the ways we were different making it clear that neither was right or wrong. Just different. We talk to her all the time about people being different. Liking different music, books, tv shows, clothes styles, etc. I am nothing like her mother (thank the good Lord for that) and I'd like to tell her that her mother is a lazy, self centered b*tch, but obviously I can't tell her that. It is good to let kids know that you can respect people's roles without necessarily "liking" them.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
So a few thoughts about how
So a few thoughts about how you might handle this but first to address her walking in on you in the bathroom. Um no. I don't allow my biological daughter (who is also 5) to barge in on me in the bathroom. They are expected to knock and are not welcome to enter until I have given a verbal OK. I have enforced this by simply refusing to respond to their request and sending them out of the bathroom every time they barge in and making them try again. Eventually they get annoyed with this routine and knock before they enter.
As far as talking about your relationship with her mother, you can try changing the subject:
SD: Did you know my mommy reads the bible every day?
You: I'd rather hear about YOUR favorite part of the bible.
You might also try telling her that her mommy probably wouldn't appreciate being talked about when she's not around. I realize SD is not saying anything negative but I would be telling my bio-daughter not to bring me up in any context period because I wouldn't want my ex and his new wife knowing anything about me. BM may feel the same way. And if SD thinks she is honoring her mother's feelings she may stop bringing her up so much.
But I suspect to some degree you are just going to have to wait it out. A child's parents are the most integral part of their world until they get to about the 2nd or 3rd grade when friendships start to gain importance, so it stands to reason she is going to bring her mom up a lot. In another couple of years you can have a gentle conversation with her about why she should stop doing that.
I like the approach of "her
I like the approach of "her mommy probably wouldn't appreciate being talked about when she's not around". And I know that would make BM happy, that's how we're twisting things to get joint custody. FDH to BM "This would help you b/c of point A, B, and C. And we've had some success there, so she'd probably support this approach.
And yes, I put a quick stop to the barging into the bathroom part. She of course said "well I can when I'm at my mama's", and I said that's fine at your moms, but not here. And I started locking the door!
"Live well, Love much, Laugh often."
I don't know that there's
I don't know that there's not an age...any kid who loves his mom will more than likely resent you if you say something such as "we are not friends, I don't really want to know about it, etc..." (BUT I DO UNDERSTAND your point of view...been there...yuck!)
Basically, if my DHs daughter said anything about her mom I would just say, "ah, really"...that was IT...nothing else...sometimes, I just pretended I didn't hear her and start talking about something else...
Good luck...I am thankful I no longer need to deal with that...