bluehighlighter's Blog

Time for me

I skipped our couples Thursday and went out with friends. He's still working away on his computer and now I don't care as much bc atleAst I did something withy night that made me happy instead of wait around on him to neglect our time.

I can keep doing this for a while just living like I did when I was single.
We have counseling tomorrow to discuss things. I'm not going to give up on my happiness whatever it means. I will live my life for myself.

Apparently I control the weather also.

:sick:
I went to a special event with SO for his volunteer work Small presentation. We dropped SS8 off at Rigjt time kids a drop off babysitting gig Before we picked him up we got a beer and appetizer. Was nice. Then it started.

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I don't give a $&@"

SO withe large puppy eyes "SS8 wants to play (game) with you. "

Child is not in the room. He usually gets his dad to "say goodnight to blue highlighter" after he's driven me insAne being a manipulative lil pain.

He does not care. Now SO is gonna think I hate his child again tonight. Bc I don't wanna play a damn game.

Child hadn't even spoken one does to me. It's been "daddy daddy daddy "
Even after I tried to he funny and sing frozen songs to him. Please. If he wanted me to play he'd ask me. He sent his dad to ask me bc he knows it'll start something.

Extremely irritable. Out of love

So here I am home early from work. I went to take a nap before all he'll breaks loose w SS8. SO is home working from home. He comes in to wake me up. I tell him I'm an adult and I will do as I please not bothering him. I just finished all the laundry and dishes. I woke up worked out a little and I wish I could shake these feelings of extreme irritation. I don't care that today and yesterday he decides he wants credit for treating me how he should have all along. I'm not passing out gold stars. I also don't like that I have to be a cold bitch to get attention.

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Puppy

At counseling I was told to try to think of the kid as a puppy. lol. So far that's working even though he was being bad today I didn't take it as personally. She said think of him as a rowdy puppy. You gave to train him and address his behaviors and not really think too much about the whys of his behavior She said even think of him as someone with disabilities lol. That this way I can address his behavior and not take it as personally or as emotionally invested to each if his acts. That there's a book called

Child grounded bout time.

Yesterday SS8 got to go with his dad and friends all day to a Lego convention and a nice dinner out. Apparently Ss8 asked so many times the same questions of "can I " and didn't listen to his Dad (as usual) and dad grounded him today and said keep it up and you'll be grounded the rest of the week. Ha !

Today he's had to learn his to load the dishwasher. He had to break down all the recycling boxes and do laundry. Clean the kitchen counters and floor.

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Jealousy pain

I'm not ignorant to the realities of being with someone that has a child full time. I'm not happy that today I'm jealous of special events happening for that kid. I want my SOs time when we are alone together to be as big of a priority as the time spent spoiling the kid. The same excitement behind them. Going out w some friends tonight. Haven't done that in a while. Coaxing myself outta my "poor me" feelings and feeling like a limb was cut off We have to make our alone time a priority. He apologized for what he did this Thursday for our "at home date night".

thoughts

I am pretty resilient. I can keep my cool for extreme periods with compassion and understanding and be a bigger person. Then every once in a while that turns into being a doormat and I lose all respect for the people I tried to be a bigger person for. Once it's gone it doesn't really return. That saddens me so i take care to work for a pretty long time to try to be understanding while standing up for myself then just like that it is gone one day.

fighting back tears glad today i have counseling

despite my SO and SS8

tired of guessing

A while back (few weeks ago ) my SO and I decided that our nights alone (hopefully uninterrupted) would start at 7pm instead of 8/830. That we'd put the kid to bed/ let him read to himself to his bedtime.

This has been what Thursdays have been since then:

1) Snow day= so we chose a family activity to do instead so he could stay up a little

2) Kept our 7pm date but SO was still going back and forth working on his computer instead of paying attention to me/us

SO breaks down

Last night at the end of an argument SO cried. I've only see him cry once before and that was because he felt he wasn't good enough at being both mom and dad and socializing enough for kids parents to reply and RSVP for SS8's birthday party. He didn't know if anyone was going to show up and thought it was his fault.

It was heartbreaking to watch him cry both times. Though, I have cried way more times in this relationship than I count.

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