Help me.
I apologize now for what will be a long blog...
I need help. First,this is my first time ever doing anything like this. I never vented this way, but my mom recently passed and she can't listen or give me advice no longer..... I am a parent to my son 6 and a SD who is 10. I have been with my husband for a little over 5 years. I have a wonderful relationship with him. I do have a huge problem though. My sd10 has no respect for me. The only time she shows any kind of compassion for me is when she wants or needs something. I have been a part of her life since age 5. She has always has behaviour issues which we put her in counseling at age 9 for bc they keep getting worse. Her BD has primary custody. Her BM sees her Wed and every other weekend.
Saturday, our weekend, was horrible. She woke up and asked me how to wear a headband. I explained how and showed her how to put one on. She then ripped her ponytail out of her hair and broke the headband in half, then stomped on it all bc she stated," You don't even know." I walked away bc I thought maybe it was just too early. I then told my SD she needed to get ready for softball practice. She asked if she could wear shorts which I replied, " No, you will be sliding and you have very pretty legs and when you are 16 and want to wear shorts you will appreciate the pants." She stomped off and yelled at me that I was the worst parent ever. Shrugged it off again. I made breakfast for everyone. We sat at the table to which SD10 replied BS was annoying. Shrugged off even though it hurt BS6 feelings. Not ten mins. later she stated the same thing as if no one heard her. BS started to cry and looked at me and stated, "Mommy I didn't even do anything." I gave him a hug and asked her what if I called her annoying. SD10 started to cry and shoved her food to the ground and ran to her room. SOFTBALL practice was horrible. She mouthed the couch the whole time. Coach asked what was wrong with SD10 which I replied I don't know. On our way home we passed a house that SD10 BM's boyfriend lived in when he was younger and BD pointed it out. She didn't acknowledge him so he stopped talking about it. She threw her DSi down,(189 dollars) so I told her she needed to give it to me (SM). She threw it at me which I told her it was uncalled for. She then replied, "Fine next time I will unbuckle and bring it to you then I might open the door and throw myself out of the car. I started to yell at her bc of her behavior toward the family in general, but I stopped bc stress isn't good for our baby due in OCT. I did however tell SD10 when we get home she needed to clean her room and go to bed bc I didn't want to deal with her attitude for the rest of the day. When we pulled up to the house she then pushed my BS out of the van scrapping both of his knees. I told her she was grounded from her DSi. She replied," I don't care!" Then SD10 turned around on the steps and said," What are you going to do about it." So I turned the other way bc I was so angry. Her BD told her to go to the room and not come out until asked. I then heard a bunch of screaming while trying to clean up my BS6 knees. She started to throw stuff which made me mad since I have paid for the majority of things in her room. I told her if she didn't want her WII(what she threw) I am sure I could find a little girl that would appreciate it. I then asked her what the problem was. (I was extremely angry at this time) She said nothing. As I(SM) was walking away she stated," I tell you what the f*** is wrong." So I turned around and looked at her like she was going to say something and she replied nothing except for some mummbling that I couldn't understand. She then started to grit her teeth and shake and stated I ought to hit you. I threw a cup that was in my hand, not at her but at the wall behind her. The cup then ricochet off the wall hitting her in the eye lid. (Totally not my intention at all) leaving her with a red area above her eye. I left the room and started to cry bc I've never been so angry. I did apologize to her for hitting her with the cup, but still stand behind what I said to her which was the she was being very disrespectful and no one deserves to be treated this way. As we ate dinner she looked across the table at me and told me she was going to go to her councelor in the morning at school to tell them that I punched her in the face. I told her I was tired of the attitude and if she thought someone better could raise her then she should pack her stuff.
So for all of this I am guessing I am asking what do you do? For over the past 4 years her attitude and disrespect grows. The hugs and the "I love you's" are further apart. I feel like a horrible parent bc I dread the days my SD is with us and love it when she is with her BM. Our home is so calm and relaxing. I love my husband and feel as if this is my one and only, but I am not sure how much longer I can deal with the attitude, disrespect, and poutings like a 2 year old. I hope there are other parents that have been here. If not, I am sorry I wasted your time.
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Comments
This had to be nipped in the
This had to be nipped in the bud *NOW*!!! What will you do when she's 16 and treating you and your children like this? If your DH will not step-up and put a stop to it, suggest she go live with her mother. You need to protect your young and unborn children. Behaviors like this rarely, if ever, improve during the teenage years.
Good luck to you, and I hope you and DH find a way to work this out that keeps everyone mentally and physically safe.
Hormones? Anything is
Hormones? Anything is possible.
what I did when my daughter lost the plot was throw a cup of cold water in her face.
It seems that being touchy feely and ignoring her shitty behaviour isn't working. So try stripping her room of everything. No TV, no DS, no Wii ( I want a wii send it my way!). She gets a mattress on the floor and no door. All her clothes are put into storage. 2 changes of clothes and that is IT.And then when she comes home and sees what her room is like you tell her if she wants to behave like she wants to go to jail she is practicing NOW. And she earns back her room.
The thing is sending her to live with her mother will do nothing but make your lives quieter (which is great but only for while).
It seems that her coach should have thrown her off the team or a parent should have marched her off the field and into the car and taken her home. Utter humiliation in front of all those other kids not to mention the other team would make her shut up for a while because it seems NO ONE is showing her they mean business unless your back is against the wall.
Speak to her mother about some respite. Is the mother able to control her? Can she stay there for a while? Or is that what she really wants? Mums place with no rules?
It sounds like oppositional defiant disorder. Look it up.
First off, I am so sorry! Why
First off, I am so sorry! Why do we have to deal with this crap. I worked at a mental health center as a receptionist for 10 years and I have seen some things. This sounds like the child is jealous of something. She is probably getting a bunch of crap from her BM, our not getting attention from her. If the tantrum like this just happened. Respect from SD is something I don't think we, as SMoms, will ever get. First off because we are both female, secondly like my situation you are both battling for the husband/BDad, attention. May not know it, but we are. So we are the biggest enemy. But we are the ones that are expected to keep our heads screwed on straight, not beat the child but yet make the household run.... Your stepdaughter is in defiant need of an attitude adjustment, which is tough love. She does not deserve anything in her room that she does not pay for herself, or is required for her to dress with. I would break it down to the bed, dresser, desk, and her clothes, hair essentials (brush, comb, ponytail holder). She needs to earn the right to watch tv, do extra stuff like ball practice, by showing respect and doing simple chores. Make a poster with what her rules are in your house, what you have for expectations both from her towards you and towards others in the home. Right down what she is expected to do to earn privledges back... have her sign a contract with her dad and you about these items. What will happen when the new baby gets here if she is still so dangerous, she could potentially harm that baby, especially if she is willing to push your son out of the vehicle for no reason...
Its only gonna get worse if you don't put your foot down now, I have a 12yr old SD that gets straight a's at school, but doesn't remember to shut lights off, lock or shut doors, takes things that dont belong to her, sometimes even breaks things that are not hers. We fight every week about trust issues, following rules, being respectful, not expecting things but appreciating them, and asking for things if she needs something. She has even borrowed $ from people and lied about it....
she practices her trumpet, writes her practice times down, I write them down too. 7 out of 10 times they don't match. I try to point this out to her dad and he just does the whole, dumb look and says "get her". But doesn't lift a finger to discipline her as he sees it as "not a big deal".. Its lieing!
I can go on about my life but, you need to sit with your husband and decide what needs done. Counseling doesnt work all the time just because it requires the kid to open up, be honest and be willing to do something different. Face it, if they admit to any of these things hell will freeze over..... Good luck, keep your family safe as it sounds a though she doesn't care who she hurts, could be worse next time don't take the chance..
Wow sounds like my ss-he
Wow sounds like my ss-he lived with me from ages 1-9 when he moved in with bm. He was cute at 1, a handful at 2, a little strange at 3 and by 6 he was hell on wheels. While he used to love my-by 6 he started hating me and hasnt stopped since-he is 13 now. He quite cheerfully will state he hates me, wants nothing to do with me, AND that he has no reason to feel this way. He just does. K. :sick:
Not much I can do about that. He has been to a psychiatrist (well still sees one for meds), has been to counseling, and has had testing. He has adhd and ODD. Counseling doesnt work as he cant be truthful about anything. He is very manipulative and he can fool alot of people until they spend some time around him.
At least your sd is acting this way in front of daddy too-so hopefully you two are on the same page. However, it also sounds as if it is at the danger level already for you. If you are losing it and throwing things that end up hitting her-you are in deep into the danger level-no judgment here as I've been there done that. I threw ss's nintendo ds one time-also against the wall-it didnt hit him or anything but it did break and he wouldnt bring it back from bm's to give me the opportunity to fix it as that would make it harder to use it to talk about how awful I am. It was the first and only time I ever did anything like that. But as you can imagine it still gets brought up even though it happened almost 4 years ago.
I agree with the others about the consequences-but you MUST get your dh on board. He must be administering these consequences. Or she will just think you are being a mean nasty sm-surely he is concerned that his 10 year old is using the F word and talking about hitting his pregnant wife. She should not be playing sports if she cannot display a proper attitude and behavior both at home and on the field. She should not have nice things in her room if she is going to throw them and break them. If she is threatening to hit people and pushing your son-you need to take extra precautions and she needs to be watched at all times-meaning no going outside, no being alone with your child, etc
Alot of my ss's behavior was because he wanted out of here-he wanted to be with his bm-he ended up having to go as my dh was deployed and then injured so he is just now getting ready to be discharged and back home full time after not living here full time for almost 4 years. So its not even been an option for ss to be here. When dh returns my ss will not moving back and in fact he will no longer even be visiting here. I cant take the disrespect any longer, the concerns about my kids' safety. My dh doesnt really know how to get him to stop-so we are trying to just get him out of here to eliminate the problem at least for me and my kids.
And she is only 10? I can
And she is only 10? I can only imagine what the teenage years will be like! Her anger and attitude definitely needs to be addressed and she should probably be sent back to counseling.
I suggest getting her
I suggest getting her professional help. You did mention doing so, however it sounds as if they aren't connecting with her.
In the meantime. I would require this child to journal daily about her feelings. I assume she has issues due to the way her BM treats her. It isn't easy for a child to deal with. I in no way agree with the way she's acting, but if you don't do something about her she's going to be unbearable by the time she reaches her teenage years.
She is angry and you will be
She is angry and you will be the fall guy if you allow it. Disengage from her. Let DH handle her. Therapy may work, but honestly didn't for SD15 when she was having anger issues. She has seen two therapists so far. My answer is to protect your son and yourself and keep distance from this girl. If her Dad won't punish her, then she may be better off with mom.