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Step parenting discipline

amandaderosa85@gmail.com's picture

Submitted by amandaderosa85@... on Mon, 03/05/2012 - 10:50am

:?
Okay so i've been in this relationship for almost a year, my son lives with his dad. He comes over on sun, mon and tue. my kids don't listen to me much cause i've been a pushover. My ex has always done alot of the disciplining. So my new fiance, likes my kids minus the fact they don't listen.. So when he gets onto them he cusses ALOT and i hate it, We just can't agree on much. And i just am at a hault somehow we have to get on the same page. Any suggestions.....

Comments

3littlemonkeys's picture

Submitted by 3littlemonkeys on Mon, 03/05/2012 - 10:55am

Sure, take some parenting classes. If your kids don't respect and listen to you, what makes you think they will listen to your cussing fiance?

amandaderosa85@gmail.com's picture

Submitted by amandaderosa85@... on Mon, 03/05/2012 - 11:00am

i have went through the whole parenting class for my divorce. I doubt he will want to pursue parenting classes. If we could sit down and agree on stuff on how to disciplline and what to do when they don't listen. My daughter especially, she thinks she can talk back and raise her voice to everyone

3littlemonkeys's picture

Submitted by 3littlemonkeys on Mon, 03/05/2012 - 11:02am

Who's the HE?
I meant YOU need to learn how to discipline. You had these kids.
It's not fair for you to put your responsibility off on others...

There is no agreement necessary here. YOU step up and parent. YOU issue consequences when DD mouths off. YOU set the rules and enforce them.

gijimenez5's picture

Submitted by gijimenez5 on Mon, 03/05/2012 - 10:59am

Sorry but it's up to you the mom to discipline them. Take some parenting classes, if you discipline your kids your fiance won't feel lie he needs to get involved. Everyone wins, your children learn, are better behaved, your fiance sees you step up and be a parent, and he won't have to address your kids.

alwaysanxious's picture

Submitted by alwaysanxious on Mon, 03/05/2012 - 11:01am

Sorry but I'm about to sound harsh. You need to get a backbone and discipline your own child. Stop putting it off on other people then complain about the way they do it. I HATE when SO does that to me.

alwaysanxious's picture

Submitted by alwaysanxious on Mon, 03/05/2012 - 11:13am

Thats why there are so many spoiled children. Its hard. Now, stop underestimating yourself and realize you can do the hard part and parent your child. Otherwise, you will have raised a spoiled entitled adult who cannot function well in society. Think about their future, not your emotions.

allaboutperspective's picture

Submitted by allaboutperspective on Mon, 03/05/2012 - 11:17am

first and foremost, I would lose all respect for and seriously reconsider someone who swears at my children (but that is just me). If your fiance is swearing at them, then how do you expect your children to respond? It only exacerbates respect issues in your house; and they cannot learn respect if they are learning how to be more disrespectful from a foul-mouthed person who is not even related to them.

Are you on ok to good terms with your ex-husband? If you are and discipline works for him, see what he does and try to incorporate that. Not only will it help you stand your ground, but the consistency will teach the kids that they cant act a fool at Mom's, but have to listen when they are at Dad's. Theyll know they even though their parents arent together, they can at least co-parent when it comes to putting the foot down Smile

If you arent on good terms with the ex, then you will have to learn to stand your ground even moreso. First, talk to the swearing fiance of yours and tell him to cool it. Secondly, next time you see your kids, stop them at the door and tell them there will be some changes. Let them know that you will no longer tolerate their behavior and that there will be consequences. The thing is, you HAVE to follow through (it's probably best to sit down with your fiance and decide which actions will garner which types of punishments. You both HAVE to be on the same page).

I am not sure how old your kids are, so that will really depend on how deeply ingrained the disrespect is. When I was growing up, I would get popped in the mouth for sassing, not even graduating to the level of raising my voice lol. Not saying to inflict physical punishment, but one thing Ive learned that has worked is to ignore. If she starts yelling, ignore it. She will tire herself out. Then when she's got her mind back, sit her down, let her know your concerns and speak with her, then incorporate whatever level of punishment you deem fit.

You have to let them know who is the parent.

amandaderosa85@gmail.com's picture

Submitted by amandaderosa85@... on Mon, 03/05/2012 - 11:23am

i agree completely. I will have to figure out rules, when my daughter gets home from school, let her know whats going on. I was raised bad growing up, my mom was into drugs, so i took care of my sister and brother. So i'm still getting it figured out, i'm 26

alwaysanxious's picture

Submitted by alwaysanxious on Mon, 03/05/2012 - 11:28am

You'll figure it out. Its good you are trying and want to change things. I also see you were in a relationship with someone who had bipolar? Sometimes that can make the non-bipolar person a bit passive and question themselves a lot. You have to get your assertiveness back.

allaboutperspective's picture

Submitted by allaboutperspective on Mon, 03/05/2012 - 11:52am

Parenting is never easy, and every kid is different; however, at the root of it all that ties every kid together is consistency. They ALL need consistency. I have been "raising" kids since I was 8, so I have seen everything imaginable. Of course, it is a different ball game when you actually are raising your own.

I am sorry about your past, my mom was a workaholic (similar addiction, but different drug) so I can definitely empathize. It sounds like your pushover tendencies stem from trying to overcompensate for a mother who was not there for you. You want better for your kids, you want them happy..I get that; but kids are also happy when there is structure. Being a parent is not just giving into what they want, it's also knowing how to hold back sometimes.

Case and point. My stepkids know that when they come over, they have a routine. When they go back home, it's complete chaos. Sometimes, when they come over, they forget to turn that "switch" back on how they are supposed to act. it's difficult, because we see them every other weekend; but, I got it ingrained early enough that they know they cant come over and act crazy. I say, "I" because my hubby is one who will try to reason with the kids why he wants them to do something, while they are yelling. My approach is COMPLETELY different. We recently had an issue with the 7 year old having a conniption over eating peas. She was yelling at my hubby, telling him what she will and will not do, and he stood there reasoning. I came down stairs, told her that he was an adult and her dad, she doesnt talk back, and that she doesnt act that way in our house (I dont yell at kids, but i am very firm). I also told her she must have forgotten whose house she was at, and that she was going to eat the peas and nothing else was to come out of her mouth. I walked off and did some things in another room. After she was done, she came and gave me a hug and apologized for how she was. She was not prompted by my hubby; she came on her own (and I actually had to tell her to apologize to HIM, go figure lol). I have only had to do that twice since we've had the girls come over and we've been married a year. Her problem is that too many people talk to her like she's an adult, so she thinks she has an opinion. She and her mom get into screaming matches. I dont get into verbal altercations with children. I am the adult, so you listen. That is the approach you have to take.

If youve said what you needed to say, dont say more. You ALWAYS have the last word, so dont exhaust yourself trying to prove it by going back and forth with an argument. Say what you need to say, and keep it moving. If your daughter still has mouth, then go ahead and add an additional punishment to the one she already should get for getting sassy. When the situation has calmed down enough, pull the kid aside and explain why she is being punished and receiving an additional punishment. Let her know you love her, but you wont tolerate that. Tell your child your expectations next time so the incident wont happen again (or be as extreme).

Sorry, didnt mean to be longwinded. The peas situation kinda got me riled up again lol. But I hope this helps some Smile Good luck.