I knew BM was the scum of the earth, but I didn't see this coming.

So last week sucked, I couldn't wait for SD8 to go back to BM yesterday at 4. My BD11 even got invited to spend the night with her friend so by 4 the house was totally empty and clean and SILENT. It was just basically a beautiful moment, all until SO walks in the door and by the look on his face I knew something big was up. I said what's wrong? He said he met BM at the meeting spot, SD8 got in the front seat which she is not old enough for and it's against the law BUT, SO was on the passenger side of the car to kiss SD8 by and BM says right in front of the kid, that she is moving and that SD8 will need to move in with us full time and change schools to go in our town and she will "try" and get her every other weekend. SD8 gets right out of the car and says well can I go with him now then?

This bitch had a son with SO who he raised for 10 years and then dropped the bomb confirmed by DNA it wasn't his and doesn't allow him to see him, she has SD8 with SO, then just popped out #3 with Thug Life boyfriend. They live in a 2 bedroom 1 bath house and all three kids share a bedroom. She told SO that after having the new baby "she just can't handle it" so I guess SD8 is the disposable one since there is no telling where the son's crackhead father is if not in jail, got to keep the baby because that's how she keeps Thug Life, she's probably pregnant again already and just didn't want to say that.

So told her that we only paid for EOW of summer camp because of the current custody agreement so he couldn't take her until right before school starts at the end of August. He acted like he was asking my opinion and how I felt about it, but what he said to her makes me know it's a done deal. I can barely stand the kid being their 7 days on 7 days off. I realize that if her mother doesn't want her then she shouldn't be there. I wonder if being in our home full time and not being bounced back and forth will help her behavior, but I would demand she HAS to go to counseling immediately. I'm sure he isn't thinking about certain things like, BM has the kid on medicaid, well we make too much for that so she will need medical coverage, if we have her full time, then she will need after school care, lunch money for the full month since BM has her on free lunch, and etc... I am trying to a list of my questions and concerns to go over with him. I did ask him would she be paying any support and he said he didn't want her money. I don't know that I'm going to be able to stick this one out...

Accordn2L's blog
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And if he doesn't DO

And if he doesn't DO IT????
This makes no sense. You can't make a plan for what someone else needs to do.

Scubed- It's the LAST thing I

Scubed-

It's the LAST thing I want! Trust me. But what kind of person am I if I turn my back on her when BM has no use for her? She's a brat and I would rather she move to Alaska but part of me thinks I have to at least make some sort of effort to help this child. I keep thinking what if my BD11 was in a bad situation and everyone just threw her away if she was a brat? Again I'm writing up a contract, list of requirments and he has 30 days from move in date to follow them or then he will have to go.

Thing is, you are never ever

Thing is, you are never ever going to be in a position to help this kid as long as her parents can't be bothered to actually get involved.

Your list is all about SO. As it should be, but I'm just pointing out that your heart is telling you this is cutting the kid a break, but your head already knows that SO is the one who needs to help the kid.

Your BD would NEVER be in the same situation. She's had 11 years of a mom who has supported and encouraged her development, worked with her on her weakness, and helped her with her challenges. Even if you were hit by a car tomorrow and your ex told her, right in front of her, that he didn't want her, she's still got more character, independence, confidence, self-esteem and capability in her little finger than SD8. She would struggle, but be just fine.

Your SD8 has so much wrong with her that she's already out of control. And you have zero ability to help her while her parents are busy screwing her up.

Just my opinion, I really have a lot of respect for you and I'm not surprised you want to try again to make things better for this kid. Just please, don't put your heart on your sleeve - your SO is going to disappoint you again.

It's great that he doesn't

It's great that he doesn't want BM's money since it isn't for him. While he may mot WANT it, his daughter DESERVES it.

This is a best time for an ultimatum. You should not have the added expense of helping him with his kid while makes the choice to let mom off the hook.

OMG. I read the the first

OMG.

I read the the first post, but overlooked the OP's name.

I wouldn't waste time trying to figure anything out. Since school starts the end of August, I would tell him he has to move out by the second week of August.

I would be willing to continue to date, but living together would no longer be an option.

I'm printing this out to add

I'm printing this out to add to my "contract". I may come back at the end of August and say WTF did I do and how stupid I am. But I feel like I have to at least offer him the opportunity to go over my rules/contract and let him decide if he can live with them.

I'm printing this out to add

Ok do not think I am bat shit

Ok do not think I am bat shit crazy but I'm working on a "contract" so to speak. Basically laying out that if he wants her to move in with us full time and if he can't agree to it, follow it, and sign it, then I'm going to tell him he needs to go ahead and move out now and find them their own place.

Counseling
List of rules and consequences to be followed every single time
New Custody Order because she doesn't follow the rules unless she has to (BM)

I'm adding to this now. But then give it 30 calendar days and if it's not working out he has to go. This is the worst nightmare I could have imagined with SD8, but as a mom myself how can I not feel something for a kid who's mother sees her as disposable?

Agreed! totally!

I have a free notary at work

I have a free notary at work and I think that's an excellent idea in case he tries to refuse to leave my home.

Ok I have a friend I can call

Ok I have a friend I can call and find out right now.

What I find interesting here

What I find interesting here is that SO hasn't come to you with a 'contract' himself. Shouldn't he be showing initiative, helping you see how he's going to make these changes a positive for your family?

>I can barely stand the kid

>I can barely stand the kid being their 7 days on 7 days off. I realize that if her mother doesn't want her then she shouldn't be there. I wonder if being in our home full time and not being bounced back and forth will help her behavior,<

IMO, yes it will....BUT it will feel like circumnavigating the globe 5 times over in attrocious weather conditions. I am totally serious. Unless you AND your SO can steer the course and BOTH of you keep your hands firmly on the steering wheel will this be able to work. And the only way you can do that is if you get SO on board and ship-shape NOW.

If not, the only other prediction I see - which unfortunately happens to a lot of us here on STalk - is that once you have full custody of the skid, the stepparent ends up leaving because we can never get the bioparent onboard with parenting decisions.

You seem to have a good head on our shoulders Accordn, and I am sure you are capable of making the right decisions. I can only hope your SO and you have a good pathway of communication. I feel like I have good communication with my DW, but I have resigned on many issues surrounding my SS, because no matter how much I can beat it into my DW, DW will only see SS through rose-colored shades.

True. Good point.

I know your SD is, lets say

I know your SD is, lets say interesting. I do have compassion for some of these kids and your SD is one of them. Just think, being 8 years old and your Mom is telling you that she basiclly doesn't want you. I know she didn't say that, but I bet that SD8 is taking it that way. I would be crushed. I haven't read all of your blogs but I hope that if she does move in with you guys that she will see what a real mom is supposed to be like and have that stable environment. Good Luck and I hope that it works out for the best.

Impress upon him the fact

Impress upon him the fact that HE isn't taking HER (BM's) money. That BM and he are expected to provide for the child THEY created. This money is for SD's benefit. NOT DH's and he certainly doesn't expect YOU to pick up BM's financial slack.....right???

Your DH should take the money

Your DH should take the money of DH. His daughter is entitled to it and it is not for him. Does he expect to leech off you and let BM off the hook? If so, you need to dump him!!

This situation is my worst nightmare. I can not handle the kid full time. Sorry but this would be the end of my marriage!! No way I want a skid full time.

Ugh... I agree with you that

Ugh... I agree with you that she probably does need to be with you guys since her mom doesn't "want" her, but CS does need to be established and if SO truly doesn't needthe money, he can set up a college savings account for her with it.

The bad news? I don't think it will help her behavior, you will be in for a constant battle and BM will prob stick around just enough to keep SD screwed up. Therapy is a MUST, don't have kids with SO or get married for at least a year after SD moves in. Also, expect her behavior to get worse before it gets better because you WILL be the bad guy and the one who is resented out of all of this.

I was up all night thinking

I was up all night thinking about what he told me. I didn't sleep at all! I've thought about it all day too. I wrote up what I thought was the bottom line things I needed from him but I'm sitting here reading this stuff and why am I doing that? It's MY house, MY time, My BD11 affected too and yet I'm reaching out to him??? Did I forgot to put my self respect panties on today or something? This is NOT me! I am stronger than this and my daughter and I did just fine before SO came along and we will be fine afterwards. His child needs all sorts of help and she is 8, that means 10 years of this and I can barely stand 7 days at a time, I would never make it 24/7. SD8 is at BM's right now. I'm going to stop OTW home and get him one of those apartment finder magazines and let him know it's time I can't parent his child full time when he can't do it right part time. I feel physically sick but it has really been a matter of time since he won't remove his head from his asshole when his child is involved.

Thanks to everyone for your opinions and suggestions. Wish me luck tonight!

Well speaking from

Well speaking from experience, this sounds like the "nightmare" I live with SD15 everyday. She was abandoned by her mother that lives 2 miles away from us. The BM never takes her, does nothing regarding school, never has attended her track meets, does not pay a penny and generally could give two shits about this kid....

I have become so resentful I take cash to dinner so I pay for my own plate only instead of 3. I purposely don't buy groceries if my BS is at his BFs for the weekend. I'm tired of stepping up when her own BM is off the hook.

Also, let's not forget no "free weekends" My biggest irritation, when I have a kid free weekend-i would like some adult time. No I do not want to take SD to the salon with me and pay double...tell her BM to do that. Or can we go on a date FFS? No SD15 doesn't like to be left alone and we are excluding her.

Oh yeah and every time she gets in trouble....The excuse "its so hard because I don't really have a mom".... Oh blah.hoo...let's go get an ice cream.

So your BM is going to "try" to get her eow. Good luck I hope it works. Oh and when it comes to SD - SO/DH/DF never hears anything is wrong with the child. Its always you and your the only mother figure she has....blah, blah, blah.

Hopefully your DH backs up your plan...I seriously doubt it. I found I get a tremendous amount of lip service....to "smooth" things over! Stay strong and don't fall for it!

You are here

I knew BM was the scum of the earth, but I didn't see this coming.

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