A follow up to : I have a question about my BD11 and visitations with her dad, need your input
So I really put a lot of thought into what everyone said and I decided that maybe I needed to push my BD11 into at the minimum talking to her Dad since she was upset with him for "forgetting" she was in town and he went to the beach and not wanting to visit with him this weekend. So of course he was being Daddy of the Year on the phone and said although he was at the lake with his brother if I would drive her to his sister's house (an hour and a half each way) he would pick her up that evening and they could still enjoy the weekend and have fun. Now I love how he is so past due on child support but yet again volunteers ME to do all the leg work. But I was feeling kind of guilty because some of you pointed out that I wasn't making her face her problem with him and that wasn't benefiting her in anyway, so I drove the hour and a half and sat and visited with his sister a little bit and then got back on the road. I drove the hour and a half back home got settled and about 7 that night get a call. He never showed up, hasn't responded to his sisters calls or texts and my daughter is so upset. So here I go once again and drive back there and pick her up and she is pitiful and crying, and start the drive home. By the time I had gotten back there to get her he was about 4 hours past the time he said he would get her and still wasn't answering his phone. She kept asking why would he treat her that way and what did she do to deserve that, why did he even invite me if he didn't want to see me. I thought I was helping her by giving her a nudge to talk to him and tell him her feelings and learn to deal with things when they have problems, but it was a huge mistake. We were about 30 minutes from home and he called my phone drunk off his ass, still at the lake, and requested to "talk to his fucking daughter". I just hung up. We haven't heard from him since (that was Friday).
I feel like a shitty mother for encouraging her to talk to him and drive her there and then he crushed her once again. She told me last night that she just wished she didn't even have a daddy because it would be better not to know what you are missing verses being let down all the time. It is really all I can do not to go to where he lives and beat him to death!
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Oh I won't EVER make,
Oh I won't EVER make, encourage, nudge, whatever her to go see him again. If she decides she wants him to come to our town and have dinner or something that's is her call but I'm not sending her down to Hickville again for him to forget her again. She starts 6th grade in a few weeks and is pretty nervous and her hormones are starting to rage a little and this was just not what she needed.
I am not going to contact him in ANY way, I'm debating blocking his number from my phone for a while just so he can't bother either one of us.
I thought that I was being
I thought that I was being selfish by not encouraging her to face her problem head on, because many of you were right, not dealing with things doesn't fix it or help prepare her for the real world. But I think she has had her fill of him for a while and she is just going to stay at home and with her friends here.
She could hear him drunk and rambling on the phone because she was in the car beside me. It's moments like that when I think to myself what a pathetic POS he really is.
Oh yes, I agree needs more of
Oh yes, I agree needs more of me right now for reassurance and comfort than she normally does.
Well that was crap. I agreed
Well that was crap. I agreed with the advice for you to continue to support your daughter negotiating a relationship with her dad, and tbh, I still do. Just the parameters have changed with this new information.
I would see what you can do to support her learning about other people's behaviour having nothing to do with her. Also to examine her concept of 'dad' vs reality. (See below for the personal explanation.) And help her learn about setting and enforcing boundaries in a relationship. For example, if her dad wants to meet up with her again, an idea might be to bring her to a public place and for her to be having fun anyway. If he shows up, great. If not, no loss.
The personal explanation: My FIL is super-unreliable. He loves his kids, but is just unreliable. (Not as bad as your ex though, as a person FIL has it a *bit* more together.) My husband learned when he was a kid that his dad is unreliable and just never relied on him for anything. My SIL, on the other hand, still hasn't figured it out. Keeps replaying the same scenarios with FIL over and over, FIL is constantly surprised that she believed him/expected him to follow-through. And SIL is in her mid-30s and never had any kind of real adult relationship. She has idealized a 'good' partner to the point that reality just doesn't fit.
Which is all to explain that I really think that helping your kid understand that her dad's behaviour isn't about her, to see her dad for who he is, to accept him as the unreliable jerk he is and find a safe way to allow him in her life. She will have to set and enforce boundaries with horny teenagers, terrible bosses, and who knows what else in life. Maybe a crappy stepkid. Help her learn those tools. Not for him, for her.
I know she wants Dad to fit
I know she wants Dad to fit this certain mold but I think it hit her loud and clear Friday that he's never going to be that. I like that dad vs reality. Maybe she and I can list things about Dad that are good traits and then things that she wishes he would work on, and maybe when the time is right she could share both lists with him? I'm a list person, so that's why I'm thinking a list LOL. It's so hard for me to talk about it with her right now because I'm so mad and she's so hurt, I want to make sure I don't say the wrong thing and he think I'm bad mouthing him. I try never to say anything negative about him to her and let her decide her opinion of him on her own, and that is HARD, lately extra hard!
There was a show, a loooong
There was a show, a loooong time ago, called Starting Over, about women with problems who got help from a life coach and a psychologist. One of the life coaches was Iyanla Vanzant, who was GOOD. One of the ladies, I think her name was Jill, had a lot of problems with men... her dad had abandoned her and her mom when she was a kid, and she was filled with mistrust.
Iyanla had her make a list - on huge paper taped to the concrete walls of an empty swimming pool or something similar - of all the things she got from her mom. Jill did that very easily. Filled up a whole wall.
Then Iyanla took off that layer of paper to reveal another layer of blank paper. She told Jill to make a list of everything she got from her dad. Jill just stood there. She said he gave her nothing.
So Iyanla took the marker from her and wrote down "Life." She gave the marker back to Jill and told her to fill up the pages with more stuff, and left her to it.
There were for sure more negative qualities she saw as coming from her dad. But it was a fascinating exercise.
I watch that show on OWN
I watch that show on OWN network with Iyanla fix my life! I'm a list maker myself and I think this is such a great idea. My daughter was in counseling through 1st and 2nd grade because she was having some issues about being from a divorced family that started bothering her and it was a great experience for us both, it taught both of us how to use our words and talk to each other and express ourselves better. I'm hoping those tools are going to help her deal with this but I'm toying with the idea of making her an appointment just to have someone neutral to talk to about what's happened with Dad. She is 11 and about to start 6th grade which is such a crucial age because she is on the verge of teen years, hormones, growing up and I don't want what's he's done to set back all the hard work she and I have put into her education, social, spiritual, sports, scouts. She is a great kid and I don't want his short comings to cause her problems as she gets bigger.
Yes I have 100% custody and
Yes I have 100% custody and so I'm not legally obligated to let him see her at all.
It's his kid. He should put
It's his kid. He should put in the effort and as long as you don't road block an effort from him, it's his loss.
I agree, if he wants to see
I agree, if he wants to see her then he has to make the effort. But I won't be driving to hickville again anytime soon!
I hate that I thought he was
I hate that I thought he was capable of growing up and being a decent human being and father to his only child. He's much older than I am (11 years) so you would think he would be more grown up than I am. But again this is why he is back living on his mommy's couch and drives a car she owns, he does work a full time job but won't pay child support until right before they lock him up. I shouldn't look at his Facebook but I just had to see what was so important to stand our daughter up, and their are all these drunk pictures of him and his brother, their cousins, and some VERY sketchy looking "ladies" at the lake. So at his age his fun still trumps his responsibilites.
So your ex lost time with his
So your ex lost time with his daughter and a few thousand brain cells in the process.
Way to go. I hope he got the mother of all hangovers.
He tried to call last night
He tried to call last night and she didn't answer, I think she just needs some time to think about what she wants to say to him. I told her my position and that I was there 100% for her but I would no longer be accomadating his requests and doing all the driving and that he will have to make those arrangements and she said she understood. My Dad and her are close and he is planning a "date night" with her this week for dinner and just spending some Grandpa and her time. I think that will be good for her.