Rags, I like your posts because they tell me what is possible. I can't always do what you suggest because my dh would totally object to that level of policing. He himself had a stint as the "bad kid" when he was a tween, which scarred him for life. Any suggestion that his own kid is "bad" makes him hypervigilant and would result in over-protection rather than criticism of SS. Weird, but true. Also, I think in general, people's ego prevents them from seeing the bad in their kid. SS is dh's only child. He wants to be proud of his offspring, and is very quick to shut out opposing evidence. Maybe that's a failing, but that is what I'm facing. It's weird because once in a while, out of the blue, dh will tell people that SS lies and is sneaky. so there is recognition somewhere, but no one else can tell him that.

Rumpelstiltskin, I think you have part of the picture, but mostly dh is simply a more reliable, nurturing parent than BM. I honestly think that if BM stopped getting child support, she would kick out SS in a second. She's actually tried multiple times to kick SS out saying things like, "I want you out of my fucking life!", taking away his keys and stuff. She is highly narcissistic, and demeaning. She was right to take away access to her account, but she also regularly denies him basic necessities, so that wasn't that hard for her. Dh used to give SS the child support checks when he returned to BM's home, but she asked dh to stop doing that. I have no idea why, but I think it's so messed up that they have no trust in each other. In any case, SS has genuine reasons for wanting to be here - dh encourages him, gives him guidance, hugs, and we have a good, loving relationship and a calm environment. But dh's leniency also plays a big factor. SS gets delivery almost every night while he's here and dh does not judge him. SS tells him about EVERYTHING he and his friends do, even semi-criminal stuff, like breaking into buildings just for fun. No one gets harmed. Dh likes that SS is so honest with him. Dh does tell SS the possible negative reprecussions of their actions, but he doesn't say they're wrong. I don't know, I think there's a reason that none of SS's friends are telling their parents what they're up to. Btw, SS has really good friends. Which makes me think that I am the paranoid, suspicious person that I fear. He's had these friends for many years. It started when they were in middle school. SS was kicked out of sleep away camp, actually, for showing the other students porn. In middle school. He was the "crazy" one. At one point, I overheard his friend call him a sneaky liar when they were playing video games. But again, over time, SS has learned to become "normal" and I guess does a passing job. But maybe I'm just being biased. Maybe he IS decent and good, and I'm just trying to cherry pick certain behaviors to confirm my bias.

JRI, I believe that. I think SS could be a good salesman. He does want to study business in school, so we'll see.

I understand how it sounds, but these kids seem genuinely good-hearted, and only mischievous, not criminal. For example, my SS decided he would join these friends skiing even though he doesn't know how to ski. When he struggled, one friend stayed with him the whole way down the slope, picking him up every time he fell. Then the entire group of 6 highschoolers decided to spend the rest of the week hiking, climbing and such instead because they felt bad for him. That friend who helped him down the slope is very sweet. But one time, SS was mad at him, so he decided to go on a smear campaign and tried to get all of their friends to turn on him. I heard him on the video game chats instructing their friends to go their snapchat and write mean things about him to 'make sure he knows he's being a bitch'. That friend eventually forgave him. They seem genuinely sweet. Most of them also got into top-rated colleges. SS is the exception. He could only get into one school that is in such an isolated town that there isn't even a McDonald's. When SS was a tween, he was talking about wanting to own a gun and was acting 'gangsta'. I think his friends are the sole reason that he did not become criminal. So again, maybe that's a testament to the fact that SS has actually become a decent human being, and I'm just unfairly judging him based on his past.

Thanks Winterglow. I don't think dh would go for locking the door. Me asking that would probably make him turn against me, But SS recently turned 18, so I want to start talking to dh about what that means. When SS and I talked after the incident, I tried to convey to him that I was the adult in charge, and was entitled to enforce certain rules of conduct in the home. He countered with "well, now I'm an adult too." I took it kind of ominously because he seemed to be suggesting that he could take more charge as an "adult". But the fact is, he can take more charge in his own household, not this one. I need to talk to dh about this because SS is very persuasive, and I've seen him convince dh of this type of thing because dh tries really hard to be conscientious on both of our behalfs. I can easily see dh becoming convinced like, 'yeah, he's an adult now, so he can do what he wants.' But though I can't lock the door, I really feel my perspective is affirmed just by people suggesting that we should.

I haven't been bold enough in the past. I need more of your attitude, Notmeanymore!

Rags, I'm always appreciative of your perspective because it has clarity about right and wrong. But I don't see how I could override dh's wishes on actions taken against his BS without harming his trust and connection with me. I don't want to harm my relationship with dh. I'd rather let SS get away with stuff until he goes away to college.

Harry, I agree with you 100%. In this, I do feel that dh will hear me. In fact, that was our standing policy for a few years until this latest stint. In the past, dh had an open door policy. This house was open to SS "any time" - when he was a child, that meant whenever dad had free time and could pick him up from mom's. But when SS became a teen and could come and go on his own, it became problematic. SS would find sneaky ways to always end up here and dh could never say 'no' to what seemed to be innocuous requests to come over. After all, wasn't it SS's home too? On BM's side, she was always trying to palm off SS on us, so she was motivated to get him here also. At some point, she figured out that if she got into a nasty fight with SS, she could call dh to let him know that she was "done". The more she yelled, the more upset dh would get, and became highly motivated to "rescue" SS. Soon she was doing that all of the time. Essentially, dh was coaching her how to effectively get free babysitting - just pick a fight with SS! Eventually, dh agreed that the coming and going was too much, so we tried to stick with a fixed schedule as far as possible. But more recently, I think dh is getting a little sentimental that SS will be going away for college in the fall, so I think he is opening up a little about SS's presence here. But I think this incident showed him that it is still the case that no one's goal is to get SS to spend more time with me. No plan should involve that. But that's how much more SS would rather be here than at his mom's - he's willing to risk clashing with me and being here with me without his dad for the majority of the time. I used to and still do feel sorry for SS that his mom's house is so unhospitable to him. But that doesn't change the fact that I am still one planet even further alien to him than his mom. When I did used to provide free babysitting (I felt obliged to take SS off his mom's hands), he would have long conversations with his mom on the phone, and I would get barely a word. Meanwhile, I was giving up my free time to be on hand for him. I felt so used. But the tropes about what a "good" SM should be was so strong. But no, no, no.

Winterglow, thanks for that perspective. I can be guilty of being a pushover, and it took me a bit of time to start asserting my authority as the "lady of the house". Because dh and SS lived here for several years before I came into the picture, all of us approached the situation as if I was the interloper upon dh's and SS's territory. It has started to dawn on dh and me that actually, this is our home which SS gets to live in, and not the other way around. Dh had that realization when he thought about his own dad and stepmom. He never once thought of their house as his because they bought the home together when they got married. But the same concept applies: as you say, until SS sets up a home of his own where he is paying the bills, he doesn't get to be the "master of the realm."