Why are BM's haters?
I have 2 SD's and I treat them as if they were my own only because I would want the same for my children if I had any. Seems like my SD's BM would rather me be an awful person. Why would you want to hurt your own children? What also bothers me is people think she is the best person ever. My SD's get so nervous acting at school functions. I have noticed they wait until BM looks away and then they will wave to DH. You can totally tell we are the conversation at BM's home. BM is remarried and everthing is supposively wonderful with her life. BM still doesn't work just moved to another man to take care of her. DH tried to keep a good relationship with SD's. We have them 40% of the time. We are at every school function even if BM isn't. BM is so jaded and doesn't have me fooled by no means. I just hate to see what it does to SD's and their relationship with DH. DH has always been a part of SD's life but I can tell BM doesn't want him to. BM has the SD's call her new H daddy. THis is so disrespectful to me. They crazy thing is BM hates me but I'm the one who takes SD's to the dentist, doctor, hair cut, ect. I guess you could say I am BM's personal nanny. It confuses me how BM doesn't have time to do these things and she doesn't work. She actually told SD's that it was foolish to go to their away sports games because she only chooses to go to the ones within a few miles of her home. SD's believe whatever she says. Of course I don't try to discredit her and neigher does DH. I think SD's have enough issues with a BM who thinks of me instead of them!
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oh my god
do we have the same BM???? except that, I have a SS and he lives out of state,so we don't see him as much as we should, and she was even a bitch about how long his visits are,we see him 6 weeks in the summer and she said thats too long and that the SS asks "if he can come home" funny thing is he never ever says he wants to go home to us, and he's almost 11. They hate the fact that there is another woman in there childs life,they feel threatened by us and want to "MAKE SURE" they are not replaced. when they are little it's easy to direct them in the direction they want them to go in. The funny thing is my husband has NEVER acted the way she does. My SS has a step dad, and my DH has never said one bad word about him, hell he doesn't know him, he lived out of state when she hooked up with him so he never got the chance to know him, other then we both think he's a stupid A$$ for putting up with her.My friend once told me (about her ex) I don't want him back,but i don't want him to be happy eather, that pretty much sums it up for ALLLLLLL ex wives.
that definitely resonates,
that definitely resonates, "BM hates me but I'm the one who takes SD's to the dentist, doctor, hair cut, ect. I guess you could say I am BM's personal nanny. It confuses me how BM doesn't have time to do these things and she doesn't work"
yup, BM says she doesn't want SD home alone with me (wait who has the assault record again???) but when she's too busy/lazy to take SD to her ortho appts, sports events, etc and F has to work, "well can't northernsiren take her???" F never asks 'NO, why can't your "self employed husband bring her?" No, BM had made it very clear that SD is not her husbands responsibility, but somehow in her mind SD is MY responsibility then???
I have concluded that BM wants F (and me by proxy) to be around WHENEVER she calls, at a moments notice, but otherwise not exist, except to work so her ass can sit home. She wants to bad mouth him constantly to everyone, including SD, and call him a deadbeat dad who does nothing for his kid, but the moment the kid becomes a hassle, or she wants discipline "back up" he's waiting in the wings. he's not allowed to have ANY input thought into how sd is raised, any rules she may have, etc.
Must be nice to call ALL the shots and hold all the cards, as, for the most part, F allows her all this.
from my SD, the reason we're going through it all....:
o, btw, my dad and *northernsiren* are the best family a girl(and boy) could ever hope for. Thank you for helpping me through these hard times.
I really don't know...
why this happens all the time with BMs. I really wonder how many are out there that DONT act like this. Of course, we won't them here, because we come here because there are crazy ones! What really gets me...is that a lot of the BMs that act like this are the ones that ended the marraige or relationship! When DH and I first got together, I had to reassure BM sooo many times that I had no interest in replacing her, yet she still acted as though I had only one intention with her kids and ex..to be her only better. Well, lol, fact is, I am better, but thank goodness I am not her!
OMG! Our BM is exactly that way!!
When me an DH got together, BM threw a huge BF. But, this story is longer than that. Let me throw you the short one. Me and my ex used to be good friends with DH and BM back when they were married. Ex and I split on good terms. DH and BM split on bad terms as he found her in bed with other woman. DH moved out and the divorce began. BM came to my new appartment, as we were friends, and informed me that she thought that DH and I would be a good couple. I told her that I thought that she was only trying to misplace her guilt and that she shouldn't do that to a friend. She agreed and we all went on with our lives. DH and I started seeing a lot of each other at social gatherings and eventually started dating. BM Flipped out, and this was what she had said she wanted. She now to this day treats me like the other woman when it was she who left a good man and shamed herself, her family and her children. She blames DH for everything that is wrong in her life cause god forbid she admitt it's her own fault. But there is a light in the dark...I am also a BM and my sons father and I have not a problem one with child support, visitation ect. We were both big enough to say that our son is first, and for that I am supremly thankful. So we do actually exisist!!! BM that don't raise a fuss over stupid shit.![Wink](https://prod-cdn-1.ststatic.com/sites/all/modules/contrib/smiley/packs/kolobok/wink.gif)
It is soo good to
hear that your out there!
Keep up the good work and maybe your "light" will shine on some of those monsters!!
And its funny you say that... I too knew BM before DH and I started dating, but years after they split. It was an odd situation that I was in, and she and I talked, went out together and all that. I think at first a lot of her resentment towards me was personal. But over the years its just become the classic BM crap. I realized after a while that it wouldn't matter who DH was with, that she would still act the same.
and you know..
the reason all this is even allowed is because the court systems refuses to catch up with today's society where blended families are a fact, and BMs are NOT always good mothers! But instead, BMs know that regardless, they are "god" in court and in the lives of thier children no matter how good a father or SM are.
they hate us more than they love their children
this proven by my SDs BM. after all she has put us thru, its obvious that her hatred for me merely bc i EXIST and her kid likes me, overwhelms her love for SD. it just has to, or she would put her kid first and above her own hateful agenda.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
they hate because they're jealous
we're all the things they're not. See, I've read stuff bm left in our home from when her and myH went to counseling. She has all kinds of complexes and stuff going on. She has self-esteem issues, etc. So knowing that, I know that I make her nervous...younger, taller, thinner, etc...all the things she feels bad about not being, I am. (ok, that sounded way obnoxious, and I don't mean it that way...you get what I'm saying though?) And the thing is, those are *her* issues...I'm no better a person than her cuz I'm taller or thinner or younger. I actually have the same insecurities she does. The problem is that she acts out by being overly aggressive, and barges her way into our home/life. So because she's such a pain in my a** all the time, I can't feel sorry for her or be sympathetic...to me, she's just a friggin troll.
When we're good to their kids, they get even more jealous because their primitive part of their brain kicks in and thinks "oh they're trying to take my kids away by being a better mother than me..." and they get more jealous and more angry and more insecure. And they take it out on everybody. Its like they get so wrapped up in their own mental dramas that they don't think, "Hey, this woman is taking good care of my kid...is that NOT the point?" (My therapist talked about all this stuff with me so I could try to figure what's up with bm)
The point is, bm's hate because of their own insecurities. Nobody is perfect and it just seems alot of us have to deal with bm's who are way less than perfect and who don't seem to care enough about growing as people to change...they seem content to be stuck in a rut of being whiney, needy, manipulators.
Just remember, you're being good to the skids because that's how you are...it's who you are. You're not trying to win points with H or make bm like you. You're doing it for the skids. Don't worry so much about bm...she's making her own hell and living in it.
u said it perfectly lil_teapot
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
Not ALL BMs are haters
I'm a BM, too. A lot of us on these boards are. And my boys' stepmom and I get along just fine- we always have from day one.
And she married my ex just 6 months to the day that the ink was dry on our divorce papers! But I didn't care. Our divorce was relatively amicable. I wasn't nasty about money or custody- I just wanted the boys to be ok.
If I needed more money, I found myself a better job with better benefits. I didn't need my ex to "foot the bill" to take care of me or the boys- I was perfectly capable to do that myself! And I did just fine, thank you very much![Smile](https://prod-cdn-1.ststatic.com/sites/all/modules/contrib/smiley/packs/kolobok/smile.gif)
The only thing I cared about was that the boys' new Stepmom was kind to them. And she was. Did she take care of them when they were over their Dad's house? Yes, she did.
She and I can talk on the phone, email, and sit together at school functions without any uneasiness. She has been to my home on occasion and I have been to hers. Are we best friends? Hardly. But we can be friendly for the sake of the children? Of course we can!
And would you EVER find her on THIS board, complaining about how unreasonable I AM????
Not in a million years! It would never cross her mind. She has no reason to!
And do you know why? Because I'm not unstable. I'm not crazy. I'm not emotionally unbalanced and I'm not a miserable bitch who blames everyone for all that is worng with her life.
On the contrary...I'm a pretty happy person. I like my life and I think at most times (other than dealing with my ex's ex) I have a pretty even-keeled personailty. I think I'm generally kind and reasonably intelligent. So in most cases, I think I'm pretty easy to get along with most people who are ALSO reasonable and mature- like the boys' stepmom.
And THAT is the difference!
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
i was gonna say...
thats bc ur not an unstable, crazy, jelaous, self centered bitch...but of course, u beat me to the punch!
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
It is good
to hear the stories of BM's and SM's getting along! There area few of you guys here....Sita is one of them. Her son's SM is good to them and she appreciates that. I DO think though, that you have to be extremely mature to truely appreciate a GOOD SM. 5T....I am glad you appreciate yours!
do u think part of it is bc
these BMs are SMs too...so they know the other side of it?
oh and it helps that women like 5teens and sita arent psycho, controlling, jealous, etc etc etc!
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
The girls BM is a SM, too
And her SD is apparently a real "challenge",
too. So you think she'd feel a little more empathy for "the other side," wouldn't you?
But NOOOOOOOO!
The fact of the matter is- she's just a freakin' nut case. Period. That's her problem.
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
5T..
"If I needed more money, I found myself a better job with better benefits. I didn't need my ex to "foot the bill" to take care of me or the boys- I was perfectly capable to do that myself! And I did just fine, thank you very much "
This statement makes me respect you so much! I have thought this for a long time, that a woman should NOT depend on the ex or a man for support when she is capable of it herself. I have always thought, if I have a child and I am not with the father for whatever reason, I will not hound him for money if he is equally partaking in thier care.
Now this is not to be confused with a dead-beat dad that doesn't so much as call, but when dad is in the picture.
And on another note, its funny you mention being happy... BM was in a bad relationship with the father of her 3rd child for about 5 yrs, and just this year ended it. We noticed immediately when it was over, her attitude changed, she was HAPPIER!!!! So, lol, anyone know a decent guy that we can hook her up with to keep her happy???
Thanks for that, 4ofus
But I always thought that's the way it's SUPPOSED to be- isn't it?
My ex gives me a modest amount of CS per month, but as for the rest, it's up to me, and I'm fine with that. I didn't need a MAN to support me- and I sure as s*#t won't nickel and dime him for every little thing the boys need. That's just beneath me.
So when I see these money-grubbing nasty cows suing their exes for every little red cent they can get their hooves on, all the while NEVER getting a JOB and living their former lifestyle off their CHILDREN'S CS, it just wants to make me vomit. They are simply vile and disgusting.
And the COURTS that allow them to do it are the same.
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
5teensathome i have a question
Did you make the effort first to get to know who was in your Boys' life? because I think that makes a huge differance?
my SS BM made no effort to meet ME,call ME, she never even came to our home to see where and what her son lived in. (long story, she moved out of state,BUT she's had a few oppertunities when she was back to come and see his home, but she did not),until it was brought up to her that she had never been here, then she couldn't get here soon enough,she has never stepped one foot in my house. I felt she had that right at one time,and she should of came to his home, but 6 years later, and the crap she put my marriage threw just to be spiteful,FORGET IT NOW!!! so I think( and this is just me) that it is up to the BM to make the first step. She is nobody to me or MY children so I don't need to kiss her butt.
I am the one in HER childs life.we got off to a bad start right off the bat so I think it's waaaaay to late to start now!!!
I didn't even have the chance at first!
My ex kept his new woman kind of a secret. It all happened pretty fast, and all of a sudden it was, "By the way, "I'm married now and the boys have a new step mom."
And I was like, "Ok, that was quick!"
But again, my MAIN priority was the BOYS, especially because my older son has Down Syndrome, so it was IMPERATIVE that he be taken care of and looked after (and accepted) by anyone who is in the home when he is there.
So my main questions to the boys at first (mostly to my younger son, because my older son was a little less verbal) was, "Is your new SM nice? Does she treat you guys nice? Does she make your dad happy? (after all- if the EX is happy, then he'll be a better DAD to them!)
And the answer to all of those questions was a resounding "Yes".
And it wasn't until 6 months after they were married that I first met her in person, face-to-face. And it just got easier from there, because I knew from the get-go that she was a decent, mature person who loved my boys.
Plus, I was never "threatened" by her.
Now...on to my DHs "ex". She was threatened by me BIG TIME, even though she left him and already was shacked up with her new "Mr. Wonderful" before I ever came into the picture.
But she had it in her mind that NO ONE would ever want her ex. After all, she left HIM- so WHO, in their right mind, would want her discarded goods???? She thought he would be alone FOREVER- pining away for her.
WRONG! He moved on...to me. And she was NOT HAPPY, especially when it became clear I was a permanent fixture in his life and (THE HORROR) in her girls' lives, too! And she decided I must be pure EVIL.
And I heard all the stories. And I saw evidence of how nasty and childish she was being, but I decided to start fresh and give her the benefit of the doubt anyway- make a new start on our own- for the sake of the girls. So when I knew we would meet face-to-face, I decided what I would say. I had it all prepared. I would walk up her her, extend my hand, and say, "Hi, I'm 5teens, it's nice to meet finally you. You have very lovely daughters."
And when I got the chance, I walked up to her on the soccer field, extended my hand, and...
she turned on her heels and walked away from me.
And from that point I knew I was in for the LONG haul. From that point I knew I was dealing with an immature, unstable individual.
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
PS- First meeting with the boys SM
Picture It:
Summer time. On the beach. My ex and his new wife walked down to the ocean to pick up the boys. My whole family was there.
I was in the ocean, jumping the waves with the kids and they were really rough that day. There was TONS of seaweed in the water. The boys saw their dad and new SM and bounded out of the water and I followed behind them. I tried to exit greacefully, but got POUNDED by a HUGE wave and got carried into shore on my butt (think "face plant")!
So here I am, meeting new SM for the first time, picking gobs of seaweed out of my hair and bathing suit!
Any preconceived ideas she might have had about me being snooty or stand-offish went right out the window from that point on as we just had to stand there and laugh about it!
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
lol...
Its so good to hear people like you all... so it really doesn't drive you over the edge!!!
My BM did say at some point, that she knew that her kids were well cared for by me, that at least she had that. And as of now, when I go get the kids or see her at functions, we have regular converstations and actually get along really well. I just hope it keeps up. I actualy enjoy talking to her at times, but then I remember that she is a mother of 3 that I am speaking to, and she does not have the attitude of one.
I can say, that at least each of us knew what we were up against when DH and I got together and there was no need for "the introduction".
I hardly know H's ex
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
And of course, the only things I do really hear about her are from H. So who knows. I know she doesn't especially want to be a Mom (she and h's attempt to have me raise SD13 proved that much). But other than that, we really don't communicate. And that's fine with me.
She did send me a thank you note for taking care of SD13 once. And she's let the skids dog sit my retriever at her house-where she promptly declared she loves the dog. Other than that, nothing.
I do know she had a baby that H thought was his, but was not. But after his behavior with me, I can understand how she would've gone elsewhere for affection; she would have been pretty young at that time. And H accidently slipped and I saw a couple of photos of him with other women at the time he and the ex were supposedly together (tho never married). He said they were friends. However, I now wonder about that. H is a jealous man-he sure would never allow his W or GF to have male friends, so why would he be having female friends?
At least in this one aspect of being a stepmom there are no real problems. (Unless, of course, I'm being kept in the dark-which is entirely possible, also)
is all Iknow is
I don't like her and I don't have to like her. She is not in MY kids life.I thought it was odd right from the beggining that she never attempted to get to know who was in her childs life. I feel i'm good to him, I treat him the same way I treat my own, and my husband has NEVER brought up any complaints from him or her so I must be doing something right? I have enough friends and she could give a rats butt if we get along or not?