do we have the same BM???? except that, I have a SS and he lives out of state,so we don't see him as much as we should, and she was even a bitch about how long his visits are,we see him 6 weeks in the summer and she said thats too long and that the SS asks "if he can come home" funny thing is he never ever says he wants to go home to us, and he's almost 11. They hate the fact that there is another woman in there childs life,they feel threatened by us and want to "MAKE SURE" they are not replaced. when they are little it's easy to direct them in the direction they want them to go in. The funny thing is my husband has NEVER acted the way she does. My SS has a step dad, and my DH has never said one bad word about him, hell he doesn't know him, he lived out of state when she hooked up with him so he never got the chance to know him, other then we both think he's a stupid A$$ for putting up with her.My friend once told me (about her ex) I don't want him back,but i don't want him to be happy eather, that pretty much sums it up for ALLLLLLL ex wives.

that definitely resonates, "BM hates me but I'm the one who takes SD's to the dentist, doctor, hair cut, ect. I guess you could say I am BM's personal nanny. It confuses me how BM doesn't have time to do these things and she doesn't work"

yup, BM says she doesn't want SD home alone with me (wait who has the assault record again???) but when she's too busy/lazy to take SD to her ortho appts, sports events, etc and F has to work, "well can't northernsiren take her???" F never asks 'NO, why can't your "self employed husband bring her?" No, BM had made it very clear that SD is not her husbands responsibility, but somehow in her mind SD is MY responsibility then???

I have concluded that BM wants F (and me by proxy) to be around WHENEVER she calls, at a moments notice, but otherwise not exist, except to work so her ass can sit home. She wants to bad mouth him constantly to everyone, including SD, and call him a deadbeat dad who does nothing for his kid, but the moment the kid becomes a hassle, or she wants discipline "back up" he's waiting in the wings. he's not allowed to have ANY input thought into how sd is raised, any rules she may have, etc.

Must be nice to call ALL the shots and hold all the cards, as, for the most part, F allows her all this.

from my SD, the reason we're going through it all....:
o, btw, my dad and *northernsiren* are the best family a girl(and boy) could ever hope for. Thank you for helpping me through these hard times.

why this happens all the time with BMs. I really wonder how many are out there that DONT act like this. Of course, we won't them here, because we come here because there are crazy ones! What really gets me...is that a lot of the BMs that act like this are the ones that ended the marraige or relationship! When DH and I first got together, I had to reassure BM sooo many times that I had no interest in replacing her, yet she still acted as though I had only one intention with her kids and ex..to be her only better. Well, lol, fact is, I am better, but thank goodness I am not her!

the reason all this is even allowed is because the court systems refuses to catch up with today's society where blended families are a fact, and BMs are NOT always good mothers! But instead, BMs know that regardless, they are "god" in court and in the lives of thier children no matter how good a father or SM are.

this proven by my SDs BM. after all she has put us thru, its obvious that her hatred for me merely bc i EXIST and her kid likes me, overwhelms her love for SD. it just has to, or she would put her kid first and above her own hateful agenda.

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin

we're all the things they're not. See, I've read stuff bm left in our home from when her and myH went to counseling. She has all kinds of complexes and stuff going on. She has self-esteem issues, etc. So knowing that, I know that I make her nervous...younger, taller, thinner, etc...all the things she feels bad about not being, I am. (ok, that sounded way obnoxious, and I don't mean it that way...you get what I'm saying though?) And the thing is, those are *her* issues...I'm no better a person than her cuz I'm taller or thinner or younger. I actually have the same insecurities she does. The problem is that she acts out by being overly aggressive, and barges her way into our home/life. So because she's such a pain in my a** all the time, I can't feel sorry for her or be sympathetic...to me, she's just a friggin troll.
When we're good to their kids, they get even more jealous because their primitive part of their brain kicks in and thinks "oh they're trying to take my kids away by being a better mother than me..." and they get more jealous and more angry and more insecure. And they take it out on everybody. Its like they get so wrapped up in their own mental dramas that they don't think, "Hey, this woman is taking good care of my kid...is that NOT the point?" (My therapist talked about all this stuff with me so I could try to figure what's up with bm)
The point is, bm's hate because of their own insecurities. Nobody is perfect and it just seems alot of us have to deal with bm's who are way less than perfect and who don't seem to care enough about growing as people to change...they seem content to be stuck in a rut of being whiney, needy, manipulators.
Just remember, you're being good to the skids because that's how you are...it's who you are. You're not trying to win points with H or make bm like you. You're doing it for the skids. Don't worry so much about bm...she's making her own hell and living in it.

I'm a BM, too. A lot of us on these boards are. And my boys' stepmom and I get along just fine- we always have from day one.

And she married my ex just 6 months to the day that the ink was dry on our divorce papers! But I didn't care. Our divorce was relatively amicable. I wasn't nasty about money or custody- I just wanted the boys to be ok.

If I needed more money, I found myself a better job with better benefits. I didn't need my ex to "foot the bill" to take care of me or the boys- I was perfectly capable to do that myself! And I did just fine, thank you very much

The only thing I cared about was that the boys' new Stepmom was kind to them. And she was. Did she take care of them when they were over their Dad's house? Yes, she did.

She and I can talk on the phone, email, and sit together at school functions without any uneasiness. She has been to my home on occasion and I have been to hers. Are we best friends? Hardly. But we can be friendly for the sake of the children? Of course we can!

And would you EVER find her on THIS board, complaining about how unreasonable I AM????
Not in a million years! It would never cross her mind. She has no reason to!

And do you know why? Because I'm not unstable. I'm not crazy. I'm not emotionally unbalanced and I'm not a miserable bitch who blames everyone for all that is worng with her life.

On the contrary...I'm a pretty happy person. I like my life and I think at most times (other than dealing with my ex's ex) I have a pretty even-keeled personailty. I think I'm generally kind and reasonably intelligent. So in most cases, I think I'm pretty easy to get along with most people who are ALSO reasonable and mature- like the boys' stepmom.

And THAT is the difference!

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

Did you make the effort first to get to know who was in your Boys' life? because I think that makes a huge differance?
my SS BM made no effort to meet ME,call ME, she never even came to our home to see where and what her son lived in. (long story, she moved out of state,BUT she's had a few oppertunities when she was back to come and see his home, but she did not),until it was brought up to her that she had never been here, then she couldn't get here soon enough,she has never stepped one foot in my house. I felt she had that right at one time,and she should of came to his home, but 6 years later, and the crap she put my marriage threw just to be spiteful,FORGET IT NOW!!! so I think( and this is just me) that it is up to the BM to make the first step. She is nobody to me or MY children so I don't need to kiss her butt.
I am the one in HER childs life.we got off to a bad start right off the bat so I think it's waaaaay to late to start now!!!

Picture It:

Summer time. On the beach. My ex and his new wife walked down to the ocean to pick up the boys. My whole family was there.

I was in the ocean, jumping the waves with the kids and they were really rough that day. There was TONS of seaweed in the water. The boys saw their dad and new SM and bounded out of the water and I followed behind them. I tried to exit greacefully, but got POUNDED by a HUGE wave and got carried into shore on my butt (think "face plant")!

So here I am, meeting new SM for the first time, picking gobs of seaweed out of my hair and bathing suit!

Any preconceived ideas she might have had about me being snooty or stand-offish went right out the window from that point on as we just had to stand there and laugh about it!

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

Its so good to hear people like you all... so it really doesn't drive you over the edge!!!

My BM did say at some point, that she knew that her kids were well cared for by me, that at least she had that. And as of now, when I go get the kids or see her at functions, we have regular converstations and actually get along really well. I just hope it keeps up. I actualy enjoy talking to her at times, but then I remember that she is a mother of 3 that I am speaking to, and she does not have the attitude of one.

I can say, that at least each of us knew what we were up against when DH and I got together and there was no need for "the introduction".

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

And of course, the only things I do really hear about her are from H. So who knows. I know she doesn't especially want to be a Mom (she and h's attempt to have me raise SD13 proved that much). But other than that, we really don't communicate. And that's fine with me.

She did send me a thank you note for taking care of SD13 once. And she's let the skids dog sit my retriever at her house-where she promptly declared she loves the dog. Other than that, nothing.

I do know she had a baby that H thought was his, but was not. But after his behavior with me, I can understand how she would've gone elsewhere for affection; she would have been pretty young at that time. And H accidently slipped and I saw a couple of photos of him with other women at the time he and the ex were supposedly together (tho never married). He said they were friends. However, I now wonder about that. H is a jealous man-he sure would never allow his W or GF to have male friends, so why would he be having female friends?

At least in this one aspect of being a stepmom there are no real problems. (Unless, of course, I'm being kept in the dark-which is entirely possible, also)

I don't like her and I don't have to like her. She is not in MY kids life.I thought it was odd right from the beggining that she never attempted to get to know who was in her childs life. I feel i'm good to him, I treat him the same way I treat my own, and my husband has NEVER brought up any complaints from him or her so I must be doing something right? I have enough friends and she could give a rats butt if we get along or not?