It's it suppose to be this hard?
My SD was abandoned by her mother when she was only two years old and DH has been taking care of her ever since. When I came into DH's life, I feel in love with him before I was ever around SD. When she met me, she really took to me and told me she really wanted me to be her mom. I was really idealistic at the time and thought that I could do it, because the few times I was around kids, I liked them. That was before I realized there was a difference between a few hours every now and then and 24/7.
When my husband and I got engaged, I started resenting my SD because she was always there and I didn't get hardly any alone time with my husband. She doesn't have any friends, so she just stays inside and mopes around.
My family started putting a lot of pressure on me start a mother-daughter relationship with her because "She needs a mother". I couldn't do it though. No matter how much I try, I can't develop feelings for her. Even now, I only feel sisterly towards her at best. (this includes the jealously siblings feel when the other is cuddling up too or spending time with their parents) I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I can't help it.
Two weeks before the wedding, my anxiety over the pressure of becoming a mom became over whelming, and I went to my husband to call off the wedding. We talked about it and he assured me he was marrying me to be his wife, not a mother, and he was okay to being the only parent to my SD. So, we got married.
This would have been fine, except my SD wants me to be her mother. She started calling me Mom, and everytime she does, I cringe a little inside. I know this is important to her, so I let her call me that, and try not to let the jealously and resentment show. Sometimes, I even have to leave the room, under the pretext of "this show is boring, I am going to go read."
Am I a bad person because I get jealous of my SD, and most of the time I really don't want to have anything to do with her? Sometimes I wondering if I had made the right decision on not calling of the wedding. I love my husband dearly, he is my best friend and my whole world, but my SD deserves something better than me.
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Don't feel bad. My DH's kids
Don't feel bad. My DH's kids baby momma abandoned the kid as well. at age 2 also. it' just him raising his son, well with his parents too (grandparents). I didn't like his kid from the very beginning. I have 2 bios of my own and used to think I was a terrible, awful person for not wanting to be 'motherly' to this kid. But, if you look around here on STEPTALK and look up scholarly articles, and read "Stepmonster", you will see that you and I are not alone. MOST STEPMOTHERS DO NOT LIKE THEIR STEPKIDS. Men seem to not care as much, but WOMEN? We just don't like or want to deal with anything that we didn't give birth to. My skid calls me my first name, never "mom"....I set good boundaries I guess. How old is your husband's kid now?
The only problem you and i are always BOTH gonna have is that our skids are NEVER going to baby momma's house for the weekend, never just 'getting out' so we can have time with our husbands, etc. there is no other parent who wanted this kid.....that being said, why should YOU be expected to want to be her mohter just because you married her father. You shoulnd't. Give yourself a break. I think she'll start to get the hint eventually that you are her FATHERS WIFE, not her mother. Again, her age means a lot in this equation. My skid is 9. He knows i'm called by him by my name and whenevr asked, I always tell people "he's my STEPson". Safe, clear boundaries.
Good luck!
I'm in the same boat
I'm in the same boat girls...future SD 16..abandoned at age 8...still saw her white trash BM on and off very infrequently... Maybe once a year... And now I am deeply, madly in love with her father (before I ever met her) and now I'm expected to "play" family. I actually want nothing of the sort. I have already raised 2 wonderful kids and am at a point where I feel a 16 year old should be gaining independence and pretty much learning to be self sufficient and weaning off the teat...not back onto one!!!!!! I used to feel bad about it, but you know what...It's not my fault, nor my responsibility. period.
Good Luck to all!!!!
I wish I would have set up
I wish I would have set up those boundaries in the beginning. It would have made things a lot easier. I was pressured by my family into trying, and now, there is not turning back and doing things over. My SD is 11 years old. She was 10 when I entered into her life.
I feel better reading you comment. The other stepmoms I know don't help at all. They are always comparing themselves to the BM and stating how much better they are at raising the kids. Every time I heard this, I want to scream, "Yeah, it is a lot easier raising a someone else's kid when you only have to do it every other weekend!"
I am glad to know there are other people like me in this situation who feel the same way. Thank you.
I have said it many times.. I
I have said it many times.. I don't know which is worse... having the nutter BM that makes life miserable or having no BM and full custody of the skids. I had a very small dose of Full-time skid and by that I mean SD 14 moved in with DH, I and BS2 for about 3 months. However, she was often off at a friends, or off at her BMs visiting for days at a time etc so it wasn't like she was in my face 24/7.... and I STILL HATED EVERY MINUTE OF IT.
Granted, my sitch is a little different, in that SD has stolen from me, disrespected me and is an entitled brat. so there is A LOT of resentment there. I think one of the things that chapped my ass the most was that while my SD has a BM in the picture, she is as worthless as boobs on a warthog.. no job, foul mouth, trouble making flat out trailer trash skank. So it irked me that while SD was living with us, MY money was being spent on her, MY time was being spent on her etc while her shitty mother was off frolicking around her trailer park doing whatever it is that trailer trash hoes do. Was it right for me to feel like that? I mean it's not SDs fault that her mother sucks... but it's also not mine!
Anyway... I totally get where you are coming from and it sounds like you're a good person and because of that you feel guilt for not "loving" your SD. Try not to feel forced to do it... I think when we feel forced to do things, we end up digging our heels in resistance. I think what you're doing is right... when you start to feel annoyed at SD, leave, take a breath and re-group. At least your DH seems to be on the same page as you.. at least HE is not trying to force SD on you, like so many father's we hear about on this site!
My situation is similar.
My situation is similar. Full time SS11. Mom's been out of the picture since age 2. My DH and I got married about 2 years ago. My best suggestion would be like a few of the others, read the book "Stepmonster". It really helps you understand where a lot of the feelings on both sides are coming from. I was idealistic too. The kiddo really liked me and I had raised 3 kids of my own previously. I figured it would be easy. Boy, was I wrong! Things are better now that I've done a lot of reading on here and the book. The fulltime skid thing is rough.
I bought the Book Stepmonster
I bought the Book Stepmonster and have been reading it since Dledden suggested it. So far every other sentence I think "that is me!" and "Wow, I can totally relate". Thanks for suggesting the book.
Keep doing what you are doing
Keep doing what you are doing to keep your sanity: leave the room, post here, and ask for help when you need it! You are not mean and your feelings are not abnormal!!! Your situation is unique, as is everyone else's.
I think it is especially hard to do what we do (step-parenting). Adding the loss of a bio parent makes it even harder and touchier! Everyone has their two cents and sometimes, those effing 'pennies' hurt. It's almost like it is ok for a step-parent to bitch about a SK if both bio parents are involved...but if one bio parent is missing (especially a mother) others expect you to be sympathetic to your SK and 'be mature.' It's as if people say "screw your feelings on the subject, look at what all this kid is going through." Then you feel even worse!!!
Kuddo's to your DH for telling you he wants you as a wife, not a mother...unfortunately...you are now a mother! It's not like how it's supposed to be. But you are the head female role model to this child.
My DH has said he doesn't expect me to be a mother to his son (who lost his mother in a tragedy 3 yrs after we met and married), but wants his son to have a mother...how lovely is that! I totally understand his point of view!!!! And if he were to die and I remarry, I would WANT that man to love my BD, but not expect him to. It's a shitty position to be in and I hate every minute of the guilt. But I suffer through and find the support where I can.
You are not alone. If you post your frustrations about your situation, I promise not to judge...I may question a little, but won't judge. I feel ya!