Maybe I do?
DH said that SD13 is scared of me and that she thinks I hate her. I have never yelled at SD13, never raised a hand towards her or been negative towards her. It's been a challenge at times to be like that, but I have managed. I don't punish SD13, that I leave to my DH, which he doesn't do. I do catch SD13 in her lies, all the time. I know what she is up to, and inform her dad about her antics. If I am angry with SD13, I remove myself from the situation and cool off. This apparently scares SD13, and makes her think I hate her. Perhaps I do. I would rather be by myself than have anything to do with her. I didn't think I hated her, but maybe I actually do. I know if I would have had a crystal ball and seen how miserable my life is with her living with DH and I, I would have ran screaming the other direction. I never would have married him. Now DH wants me to "stop hating" SD13 and be nice to her. I thought I was doing the right thing, not yelling, not hitting, and giving myself time to cool off after getting angry. I'm ready to give up.
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Comments
Sounds Familiar
Your problem is not with your SD, it's with your DH. She is being a typical kid and trying to get away with anything she is allowed to get away with and unfortunately your DH is not teaching her right from wrong.
My SD is a prime example of what happens when you don't parent your kids.... 17 years old with a criminal record, drug abuse problems and an unwanted pregnancy. Is this the future that your DH wants for his daughter?
I repeat, your struggle is with DH and unless he starts being a father, there is going to be nothing but heartbreak in your future.
Sorry, but I'm having a bad 6 months
KeeKee
Deflection
I agree with KeeKee. This is about your DH. You are obviously not being unkind to SD13, but when she is caught in doing something wrong you forward the information to DH and he "handles" it, correct?
Well, of course you are going to be seen as the "bad guy" here. And SD13 is going to deflect to your DH and instead of admitting to her own bad behavior. It's going to be all about "poor her" and how it's not her fault and how evil Stepmom hates her. You are the easy scapegoat here. It's very typical.
My SD13 does the same thing. I am very kind to her (as I am to all 3 SDs- even my nasty SD16). But in particular, my SD13 will always tell my DH that she thinks I "hate her". I can't imagine why. Yet it is always in conjunction with a time when I mention to DH that she's done something that she shouldn't.
Coincidence? I don't think so!
You need to tell your DH that you do not "Hate" her and challenge him that how on earth could he could even think that in the respectful way you have treated her over the years? In fact, the word hate is a horrible one that you would never use.
But be clear that you are DISAPPOINTED in her bad behaviors and you need him to step up and address them- for both helping her be a better person and him be a better father.
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
So I take it you're one of
So I take it you're one of us that don't feel like your SK is your family?
I'm torn
I try really hard to feel like we're a family, but with all the crap we've been put through and with all the nonsense the BM has brainwashed them about me, I just don't feel close to any of them.
I try to keep my home nice, I decorate for the holidays, I cook for them most nights, etc, but it never has that "family" feel for me when they're here.
It used to in the beginning, but it's been so contaminated, I don't think I'll ever get that feeling back. It's sad, really...
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
i feel the same way
at first, before all the bs w BM started, i felt like SD was a part of my family. i cared about her, did stuff for her, played w her, bought her stuff, held her, etc. now, after accusations of abuse, court hearings, harassment from BM, brainwashing, etc, not to mention how she coddles and babies SD and i dont agree w how she is being raised, its hard. sometimes i feel like i dont care anymore. when shes over, sometimes i find myself mothering her and sometimes i dont even wanna be home when shes there. its sad...but i really feel that everything BM has put us thru poisoned my relationship w her. shes still young though so im holding onto the hope that it will change in time.
SS is a different story. DH has had custody of him since the divorce and so he lives w us. i very much consider him family. BM leaves us alone and we've had no issues w her. hmmmm...wonder why the feelings are so different????
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
BINGO!
I'm trying, but you're right, she doesn't feel that way. It feels like a VERY extended visitor in our house, who has no regard for rules, or chores.
My DH is awesome for the most part, but
One time when SD was around 15, I said to him, "you are making me hate and resent her because you ignore her behavior". That had a huge effect on my DH. He changed...not a lot...but a little. He didn't do a 180, but it really made him understand where i was coming from and he is totally supportive of me.
I fear that it is fast
I fear that it is fast approaching that point where I say something like that. I look forward to everyday she has school, that way I get eight blissful hours without her around.