Is there something wrong with me?
This is the first time I am posting anything on this web site although I've logged on many times. Knowing that other people are dealing with the same thing as me really helps. Here is my problem: I'm begining to really resent my skids (sd 8 & ss 11). My husband and I have been married for almost a year, we get the kids the typical every Wednesday for the night and every other weekend Friday to Monday. I don't have any kids of my own and dont plan on having any. I dread having them here. They constantly are fighting/wresting or eating. SS watches tv or plays video games from the moment he gets home from school to the moment he goes to bed. SD is forever whinning about something, the moment you tell her "no" she crys. DH is really trying to make everyone happy and he really is a good man but I dont know if I could cope with this for the rest of my life. BM is a bipolar/alcoholic. She has been leaving us alone for the last couple weeks because she has a boyfriend but that will end as soon as he leaves her. She tells the kids that I throw garbage in her yard daily (like I would waste my time) and that I stole ss cell phone which he lost (he second one in 6 months). Is there any hope? How do people deal with this? Is it too much to ask that the kids behave in a manner that I see is appropriate when they are with us?
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Your house, Your rules, sugar
I resented my SK's for a long time. Their BM would tell them HOW to act up at our house. I finally had enough. It is my house, so they have to follow my rules. The kids might get, including my BS, an hour of t.v a day. That is after homework and chores are done. My youngest ss whined about everything. I finally just told him that whining gets him NOTHING. I would send him to his room and tell him when he stopped whining, he could come out. If he didn't go, I lead him. You don't have to tolerate this behavior. Pick the ones that you would really like to change and set rules for them!
~IT WAS WORTH IT WHEN I BEGAN~
hi and welcome
u are not alone and there is nothing wrong w u...unfortunately, u will probably never be able to stop what BM does to u and ur husband. in fact, it may get worse. many of us have had to deal w so much shit from that end...false abuse accussations, harassment, meddling, brainwashing, etc.
the thing u can change is ur husband and the way u BOTH deal w the kids when they are in ur home. u just need to sit down w him and develop a plan on how to raise them and discipline them when they are w u. tell him how u expect to be treated, an dhow u expect them to behave and establish ways of enforcing it. this wont cure all of it, but it will help u tremendously as far as handling them and dealing w them.
good luck!
oh, and i live in the midwest now but was raised in pittsburgh pa!
You're right on
You and Dh have to set house rules. Since the kids are a little older, Dh is going to have to be the one in the beginning to make them stick to the rules. It won't be pretty at first I'm sure but if you can't live with how things are, then something has to change.
Ss wouldn't be getting a new cell phone since he obviously isn't responsible enough to keep track of it.
There also needs to be limits on video games.
Dawn
Thank you
Thank you for your replies. I know my dh operates out of guilt most of the time when it comes to his kids. BM is an expert manipulator and her kids are learning the same thing. Maybe instead of talking about the rules of the house I need to write them down for all to see. We dont have them this weekend (thank god!) but ofcousre SS has already called to ask dad to get him. SS is learning quickly that if mom is mad he will call dad or grandparents to get him so no discipline takes place, of course all mom does is scream and yell as opposed to actually taking the time to take away privileges. And grandparents (my DH's parents) spoil them rotten, we were there last Sunday and I corrected SD on her bed manners and they just stick up for her. As far as the cell phone, we bought the first one and when he lost that we told him he was out of luck but mom got another. SS started saying about 6 months ago that he wants to live with dad so lately she has been buying him anything he wants ei. cell phone, guitar and lessons, tennis lessons etc. guess what, now he wants to stay with mom!
I think most people
view SK's as having it so rough, that they should never feel any discomfort (like rules, discipline, responsiblity.) Which of course is a load of BS. Growing up, my favorite place to be was the theatre. Sounds like it was just a lot of fun, but we had strict rules of conduct, and tons of responsibility and discipline. I think when kids have that they have more pride in themselves, feel more grown up.
Of course I am still working on how to incorporate that with my kids and SD. Had a bit of a break through this week. I have been re-engaging with SD, bought her some shorts that she needed for soccer, and washed her soccer uniform before she got home and needed it (have been trying to get her to take full responsibility for that like my sons do.) But those gestures seem to be helping. And when today she didn't agree with my disciplining her while DH was still at work, she lowered her voice when I asked her and went to her room even though she was mad. (For those who have been reading my posts THAT is a hell of an improvement!) Later after DH talked with her she apologized to me for not listening the first time.
So...not to get my hopes up or anything....I do believe kids do want to be proud of their behavior, but in blended back and forth houses they don't feel attached or responsible for the house in particular, or the rules in it. I don't believe they ever fully feel "at home" either place.
Tough to find a way in this I know.
So, no real advice....just make sure you and DH get on the same page. Doesn't matter then what GP's or BM does. The kids need an example of a healthy marriage and appropriate rules/follow through.
“I never gave away anything without wishing I had kept it; nor kept it without wishing I had given it away.” ~Louise Brooks
Welcome
and all I can tell you is with a BM that is bipolar, your life is likely to never be the same! Our BM is bipolar and the lies that she tells have caused my oldest stepdaughter to completely stop talking to her dad all together, and the youngest isn't too far behind. You are likely in for a rough ride. I wish you all the luck in the world, you are going to need it.
Skids vs. kids
We have five kids total. The youngest is only five, but the other four range in age from 10 through 17. I can tell you from firsthand experience dealing with this particular age group four times with four separate children, skids and kids alike, that some of it is the age. Eightish is when they start getting more independent, more know-it-all, more mouthy, more defiant. If I remember right, all of mine when through a whining, cry-at-the-drop-of-the-hat stage at around seven or eight. Tenish is when those pre-teen hormonal changes start taking place, which adds a highly-charged emotional component to things. I can tell you, as a mother and as a stepmother, that your feelings are entirely normal and that your skids are acting this way not because they are skids, but because they are kids. And also because your DH is falling a little short in the parenting department.
As to the kids behaving in a manner that you feel is appropriate, well, that depends largely on you and DH coming up with a set of house rules, consequences for breaking house rules, DH backing you up 100% in matters of discipline, you backing DH up 100% in matters of discipline and both of you presenting yourselves to the skids as a united front. Definitely write down the rules and post them for all to see. And not just the rules, but the punishment for breaking them. When you have a written discipline plan in place, it does take some of the heat off of you. You're not always the "bad guy." It's "the plan" that becomes the bad guy. You're just one of the enforcers.
It does get better and it also gets worse. That 8-10 phase is icky. They get a little better from 10-12, but then the teenage years come and it's a constant walk on a tightrope. The only thing constant is change. You'll have good days and you'll have bad. You and DH being on the same page regarding discipline is essential. You definitely don't want to be fighting him and them at the same time.
♥ Georgia ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)