Worries of adding a new baby to a step family. Anyone been there?
My BF and I have been together since SS was 3months old, he has just turned 2. We have recently started to talk about possibly trying for a baby, but I'm actually finding it very difficult to speak to him about my concerns of doing this in a stepfamily, which is weird as we usually have great communication..
I have been reading old steptalk posts about new babies, and there have been issues like:
not agreeing with parenting style (no problem there, he is not a disney dad)
the BF not spending as much time with the new child, or issues about concentrating on skid first
as well as financial situations.. (no child support is being paid by either my BF or BM, very civil 50/50 coparenting at the moment, the ONLY thing that is bad, is that she frequently changes schedule at last minute, affecting our plans.)
As I said, it's so weird that I'm finding it difficult to speak to BF about this, as we usually have 100% amazing communication about eeeverything!
I think part of it is that I'm sure he wouldn't do these things, so I may not have valid concerns at all.. But some old posts have proven that SMs have been un-pleasantly surprised at how their partners have acted when the new arrival is actually here.
I'm a forward thinker/planner and I need to discuss my worries, without just going ahead and hoping everything will be fine. Any thoughts as to what I should bring up with my BF to discuss/ ask his thoughts about in terms of this possible new addition?
I would like to make a list of topics to speak to him about, and would appreciate it if you could help me with that list!
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We had our BS not long after
We had our BS not long after SD turned 3. (I had been in the picture since she was 18mo, and she only knows her parents as being apart in separate households).
Having our own child open up the doors for MAJOR jealously from BM. She routinely tells him that he has 2 kids, making it known that SD was first and therefore priority. She cried her eyes out to him on the phone when he told her we were expecting and she apparently had hoped that SD would always be an only child.
I always tell FDH that I dont have to love SD and she has her own mother, so they wont ever be treated completely fairly by me, Im not obligated to act that way. If SD feels that he loves BS more cause he lives with him, oh well, not much I can do for you on that one.
The issues I really had with the whole adding to the family thing was that FDH had already been there and done that with being a first time parent and he really ruined the whole coming home with a new baby by bringing SD over. If I could change anything I would have said HELL no to her being there AT all for the first week, we should have skipped that weekend.
You are very lucky that hes currently not shelling out huge bucks to her, but you never know whatll happen so dont expect to be a SAHM.
I have been with DH since
I have been with DH since before SS was born. BM and DH were never together and... well.. she lied a bunch and tried to trap him into marrying her.
Either way, they are states away, so it hasn't been a problem so far. DH is actually so excited to have a child with me, he brings it up all the time. I think, unfortunately, my DH is very practical in his idea.
His therapist had told him it's unlikely he will ever have the kind of relationship with the kid he would have with one he raised from birth, and if he overcompensates he will lose his future relationships and the kid will probably become spoiled. I LOVED his therapist from that moment on.
Also, I addressed it early. I told him I would be afraid to have a child with him because I worry he will treat them unfairly, that having children is a hard limit, and that if I feel like my future child will be shafted, that I will leave immediately and save us all the heart-ache.
Well, hearing that freaked him out, so he came on STalk and was reading. He's super protective of me and our "future" children.
The thought of losing me was enough for him to take it seriously and make preliminary precautions in the approach to the skid.
I do feel bad for the kid, as the dynamics have shifted where DH knows he will love our kid more simply due to the fact he gets to raise and interact with them on a daily basis, and he has confessed such to me. I told him it's okay to love them differently in his heart, but to treat them all fairly.
At least he doesn't have blinders on.
Talk to him. Communication is ALWAYS, ALWAYS, key. It's the foundation of a relationship and if you can't do that honestly, then it may be high time to re-evaluate it.