so yeah this bout sums it up
so here i am
erasing pictures of you
ones i found by accident
the ones i knew i kept
just to be sentimental
now they turn up
ugly as can be
showing me what i lost
showing me what could of been
if only i hadn't been so stupid
if only you hadent lied
if only you were brave
if only you loved us enough to give a danm
she is beautiful you know
but you exchanged her beauty
for a cheap plastic bitch
with children of her own
does she make you happy
with her six inch
open cunt
such a dirty slut
does it fill you up
to act like a daddy to her kids
does it make you feel like a man
oh you stupid child
you gave up the most important thing in life
i pity you and hate u
all in the same breath
if only you were brave
if only you told the truth
if only you didn't use drugs
and me as an excuse for your addiction
your a sad little being
a sad sack of shit
and im sorry i ever met you
im sorry i came back when i shouldn't have
im sorry to say you were a mistake
an abortion that should have been done
liar, cheater ,drug addicted, homophobic coward
to think that at one time i said i love you
when deep down inside i knew it was a lie
i have nothing more to say
- mojona's blog
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Comments
Angry?
Hey there. I just want to say, I have been where you are. I know what it's like to have to explain to a child (my son) why his father left before he was even born. I've had to explain to him that he has four half-sisters that his father takes care of but not him...
I just wanted to let you know it gets better. It may not seem like it now...but it will. One day in the distant future you'll stop being angry and you'll realize that it's HIS loss and that you are both better off without his influence. Then you won't be mad at him anymore. You really won't care. I promise.
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
I agree with Colorado Girl
Everyone you have ever met, everyone who has ever challenged you, teaches you. Please know that you can, if you want to, one day replace this pain with gratitude. For one....
that beautiful baby you have. She's a gift worth the pain...
And if he had never been born...than neither would she.
Buy the book "In the Meantime" by Iyanla VanZant. This man has taught you a TON as to who you are, what you are capable of overcoming, and who you really want to find to spend your life with.
Oh- and keep writing. Anger often disiapates with healthy writing binges...just make sure it's not just deepening your anger. Try thinking about the good growth you have had through this negative relationship.
As the great Maya Angelou says, "I wouldn't give NOTHIN' for the journey now."
Peace, love, and red wine
Wow
I'm just going to say this. I have felt how you felt as well. My ex is marrying the "plasic slut" or whatever it is you said....
But - I'm also engaged to a man with a child and an Ex.
I am assuming you are a BM, not a SM. So.... is it the new girlfriends fault that your ex was all those horrible things to you? Probably not. So you should try to direct your anger towards the guilty one. You should see what's it's like from the "new" woman's perspective as well. That's just my opinion, as a BM and a SM.
"It's always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black."
- Paul Newman
shes not the new gf
shes the woman he cheated on me with and then used his daughter as an excuse to cover it up. If we had broken up and then he hooked up with this broad then it wouldn't bother me as much. But no, he was sleeping around with her while still being with me, failed to tell the truth even though i asked him point blank if he had another woman and that's why we were breaking up. he said "no that all i want to do is finish my education and concentrate on G" he then ignored her (G) for the longest time while taking care of this woman and her children. I don't try to be the evil BM from hell, as a matter of fact i try to not be that person, but I have no respect for this woman whatsoever.
Krikas ANdantes
Not yet Mojona
Monica has a point, it's probably not the new girlfriend's fault that your ex was such a prick, but right now she's wrapped up in everything he's doing to you so I say, trash her freely - especially here where you're anonymous and safe among friends.
While pain is raw and screaming is not the time to find its lesson - let all that anger and hatred run through your system or my friend, it will never make its way out. Don't hurt anybody who doesn't deserve it and don't hurt yourself - take it out in your poetry or on your dishes or various stuffed animals
but get it OUT.
If you don't, then just like a sliver, your mind will fester around it until it's rotten and the foul infection of it begins to spread to your soul.
When you've exhausted yourself crying, writing, screaming, etc. and you can sleep like a rock and wake with a clear mind, then you'll be free to look and see just how much stronger and wiser you are on the other side.
From one who has been festering for 3 years and only now consciously deciding to let go...
Blueberry's Baby
in response
well...it was just a emo poem...wrote it after i found some old pics on my com needless to say i have deleted them
so it was kind of a rant lol
as for his new broad...um i don't know her cept she has 3-6 kids uses drugs and has her kids taken from her
i don't hate her, i don't even know her
i just despise women who have the necessity to take other womens men in general aka la chilla
but thats just me
but i do know that the same way my ex lied and used me he will end up doing to her
he is immature like that
i don't care if he is with her
to me its like he is with any slut off the street
what bothers me is that he takes care of her children and leaves his own child to rot
it was more of a rant
i stopped caring a long time ago
to feel nothing is so much better to be immersed in hatred
I wish I could have such Expression...
Good place in the forum to express your feelings. After daunting your poem, maybe it is some kind of inervention that Ex doesn't have anything to do with your kids. They may be better off? Whatcha Think?
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!
...
I don't really know all I want from him is that he be there for his daughter, but he's not really a good person, but he has the capacity to change, if he so chooses to. after a long time of analyzing things i realized that we were not good for each other, the whole relationship was based on lies (his not mine) and partying. so for me its good riddance, i just want my daughter to have a healthy good relationship with her dad. I do the most i can to achieve that i just get annoyed that right now it seems to be a one sided thing.
Krikas ANdantes
The best advice...
"he's not really a good person, but he has the capacity to change, if he so chooses to..."
When people show you who they are believe them....
the first time ~Maya Angelou
You need to really listen to what you already know. He doesn't choose to be a better person. I think many of us women at one point in our lives or another, end up with a man we think we can inspire to change..or being a father will inspire them...etc. As we grow and gain more experience we realize we can't. That only that person has that power, and honestly, most of them don't think they need to change a thing about themselves. Or at least they don't acknowledge it.
Though I don't know you or the father of your child, he sounds like he will never acknowledge how he is influencing the circumstances that surround him.
Good luck with your baby girl.
Peace, love, and red wine
well said Zen
We do think we can change our men or hope that being with us will change them unfortunately the only thing we can truly change is ourselves and how we handle our life. I wished with all my heart that I had not allowed my ex to have 50/50 joint physical custody of our youngest son- he was so mean to him and put him down all the time. to his own son! I could not change the ex but I could talk to my son and let him know that his dad had issues that had nothing to do with BS. when BS turned 18 he now does not want to see his dad unless he has to!! so hardee har har on EX! his loss. So even though you can not change ex you can change the world around you!!!
“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”
Thanks...
Unfortunately it's taken repeated failures at changing men in my life (including a couple drug users/ abusive men) to finally look for and find one that I like just the way he is,
"warts and all" so to speak.
My problem was always looking for who I THOUGHT I wanted to be with. I'm an actor/writer so I always thought I needed an artistic type guy. Well...first of all there aren't that many available, straight, together guys in THAT catagory!
When I met DH he was a major in the Army, teaching ROTC at the same college I was attending. I was a theatre major. I thought, "NO WAY will I ever fall for this guy!" He was a.....REPUBLICAN for cryin' out loud!
Then he did interesting things like, oh I don't know....show that he was confidant and not at all distrusting or jealous....
put me first time and time again - always inspiring me to do the same...
Listen to my input on everything, my views on the world at large and parenting, as though I actually KNEW what I was talking about... and actually did change his way of thinking on the most important women/civil rights issues I hold dear...
And the most important one...he didn't need to be right. He could let go of a difference of opinion without having to "fix" mine.
We never argue. (Therapists really hate it when you say that actually- but notice I didn't say we never DISAGREE...it's different to never argue.)
I realized I had a lot of stereotypes about the Army...about conservatives.... all of a sudden it hit me. I found the perfect guy for me. We didn't have to agree on everything or share every hobby...we treat people with respect, sensitivity to their situation....we love people the same way. I believe if we just look at a man for how he treats those close to him, as well as the compassion he shows a stranger on the street...more of us would find the right guy the first time.
Peace, love, and red wine
hmmm
interesting input zenmom it looks like u know a lot about men and I appreciate your advice. when i say that my ex can change if he chooses to, deep down its really wishful thinking but he is very young (19) and i know deep down inside he cares for G ( our daughter) hes just to immature to know how to be responsible, i got preggers when i was 18 almost 19 and started working in the US right away because i wasn't so stupid to think he would provide for me,and guess what i was right. the problem here is that he is a compulsive liar, he lies to everyone about everything myself included. last i heard his parents made him go to therapy over this issue so i don't know whats up with that. Half the time im not even sure if he should be in G life. then at other moments i think that she needs her dad, so I'm really confused. recently he has made motions to call her and speak to her,but i still don't trust him and will never let him have even partial custody. due to the issues i mentioned before.
i dunno I'm just confused about this whole thing, for me its not about his gf or what gang hes currently in or anything like that. i know kids that do all those things but still manage to be good parents...
ahhhhh this is to long
i better end this before it sounds like im defending his bastard ways.
Krikas ANdantes
I'm confused...
Did you say he's in a gang? I may be reading it wrong.
If so then please walk away now if he's not trying to stop you.
Peace, love, and red wine
i dont know what hes doing anymore
he was in one but he got kicked out for breaking the rules rumors are he joined another, i dunno ...its not really my problem .
Krikas ANdantes