Why can't it be my step daughter?
Ok first off I want to say I am very happy for an old friend of mine, really I am but this is going to make it sound like I am jealous and yes maybe I am but at the same time, extremely proud of her daughter and happy for my old friend.
An old friend of mine has a daughter who WAS running down the same path as my drug addict SD. If you don't know my story, read up on it, its way too long to type out. Anyways her daughter also got pregnant like my SD did, ONLY her daughter quit everything including her trash boyfriend (father of baby) once she found out she was pregnant. She had her baby and her baby is healthy and looks beautiful and her mom gets to be a part of its life.
Me, I sit here happy and proud for her BUT sad and feeling like I want to cry. My SD has not seen the light yet, she has not spoken to us still and we have no idea how she is doing during her pregnancy nothing, had to hear through a third party that she is having a girl and is due in January and even had to hear the baby's name third party and of course baby is named after low life boyfriends Mom (who died from a drug overdose) and with his last name even though they are not married and trust me, he comes from a long line of criminals, I wouldn't want that last name. Ok I get it, its the father so of course she would pick the last name, I get it, I am just hurting right now. It also doesn't help that it is SDs birthday coming up in the next couple weeks and it will be the first birthday I have ever missed for her since the disengagement. I had to black the day out on the calendar because my heart hurts.
I am just pissed off, yes I am fucking pissed off! (I hardly swear). Anyways all this just tugs at my heart. I love babies and its going to be a long time before I become a grandma, my kids are only 8 and 3. I guess I always saw SD and I being close forever and me being the main grandma but nope BM will be there because she turned out just like BM and BM is ok with her lifestyle of getting beat up by her boyfriend and doing drugs! Ugh. Ok sorry, needed to rant but need to stop because through this anger, tears are falling and I cant see to type.
I think I am going to just go
I think I am going to just go and snuggle both of my girls while they sleep and pray to God that I never lose them. When I feel like this, my own babies make me feel better. I am going to do everything I can to protect them and keep them close. I don't want to lose them like I lost SD. Why is it that I am having a harder time with this then DH is? is it because I am a girl and I have been in her life for 12 years? I don't know. I should really learn how to let this all go, really I should. I mean she is just a step daughter right?
I really think your sd was so
I really think your sd was so much like a daughter to you and that's why this is so painful. I don't think she was just a SD, like mine whose life I came into when she was a young adult. Let yourself grieve, this girl is very precious and a daughter to you.
My sister was an alcoholic and prescription drug addict. That nightmare roller coaster is painful and hurtful to everyone. It almost sounds like you are not so much going through skid pains as you are the pain of losing (for now) a child to an addiction. I know the step child dynamics play into it, but addiction is a powerful thief and may be the main culprit here.
Some addicts do come around and live very productive lives later on. I hope this is the case with your sd! You may well be a grandma sooner than you think if/when sd opens her eyes. Keep praying for her but keep protecting yourself until she's ready to change.
I just hit bottom tonight for
I just hit bottom tonight for a bit, I have been doing so well and just focusing on my DH and our little daughters lately. Then I seen all the pictures of this new baby on facebook and it just hit me wrong. Beautiful baby though and so happy that this girl changed as she was a meth addict. I watched her pictures go from super unhealthy and skinny to healthy and absolutely beautiful. I miss my SD but I miss her the way she was and not the way she is. I will still be keeping myself from her. She hasn't changed because if she did and she was not on drugs, I know her, she would have called me because she would be scared and pregnant. I have seen her when she is even off the drugs for a couple weeks, there is a HUGE change and she is some what the way she was. I don't know. I think a lot is going on with what I wrote about and tomorrow is the day they find out the fate of their (her and her boyfriends) felony cases. I have been watching the case online by using an access to public records. I really hope they get charged because then she will be forced into probation and AODA and I really just want her to get help. I do pray for her but sometimes its so hard because I am so mad at her. Through all this I have had to learn to stop thinking of her because my own biological babies are who I should be worrying and caring for. I did love SD like she was my own. When I met her I was under the impression I couldn't have children of my own because a doctor had told me that and so I went in as a step mom fully engaged and raised both girls. I had two surprises along the way that I am forever thankful for. I think it bothers me too because my 8 year old does miss her but she says she misses the way she was and not who she is today. She also told me she is kind of sad that she cant give the baby "automatic auntie kisses" (My sister attacks both my girls with what she calls "automatic auntie kisses" I told my daughter that she can see that baby, I am willing to let her but her sister has to be able to set aside our differences and let me be there too or at least DH but SD wants neither of us around her. Even though SD says I am keeping my kids from her, I am not, I just wont let them see her without a trusted adult around because of what happened last time. Last time, before we disengaged she was all over me on the fact that I never come to see her new place. She went as far as sending me pictures of the place and told me they keep no drugs there and its safe for her sisters. I fell for it, I took my 8 year old with me and we stopped by one of the times we were in town, well one of her roomates was snorting drugs down the hall. I left immediately with my daughter. I was mad, SD was mad at roommate and I guess that made me feel a little better but still. I felt like a dumb ass mom for bringing my daughter there all because I fell for the peer pressure. So I will not let her spend time with my kids alone. She tells me the last time we spoke that when my kids reach the age of 18 she will find them and tell them all the lies about me. I know I shouldn't let that bother me but it did. Then she called me selfish for keeping her sisters from her...but is it really any different then her keeping her child from us? I mean its DH's first grandbaby.
I am definitely mourning her loss like she passed away and was replaced with some demon. I wish she would wake up one day and just realize that she needs to get help. If not for herself or us, but for her child. Thank you for listening. Your right it is a nightmare of a roller coaster and addiction is a powerful thief. I just wish she would have never met her boyfriend. Before him she was fine and doing very well. I do not know what she sees in him. He is a dealer...she doesn't work, never has because he has her thinking she doesn't have to by manipulating and taking money from who ever will give it to them. I guess she even got a whole bunch of free baby stuff already from people she has made to believe to feel sorry for her. I am happy she is getting stuff for the baby though. That baby is innocent in all this mess. I am sure she will raise it to believe we don't love it.
Good mama! You are doing the
Good mama! You are doing the absolute right thing by insisting sd does not have time alone with your daughters. You can not trust someone on drugs with kids and you certainly can't trust their friends. Your SD sounds like she likes to resort to emotional blackmail (http://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/EmotionalBlackmail.html) because she knows you will feel guilty. How dare she insist you leave your kids with her when you're uncomfortable with it!
Addicts become so self absorbed and hurt the people who love them most. I felt like my sister squeezed every last bit of emotion from me after awhile. It can be maddening.
I wished I had gone to an some kind of support group for relatives of addicts. It was so hard and I really needed support. Have you gone to one?
You're doing the right thing by focusing on your girls. They are priority. You have to move on with your life and let your SD decide when she is willing to change.
I really hope she changes when the baby comes. I pray it will be a wake up call.
Sounds like it would be good for her to get a conviction if it works as an impetus for change in the right direction.
I remember those days well when my sister was in the throes of addiction. It's so hard! I'm really sorry for all the pain this is causing you!
If only wishing could make it
If only wishing could make it so, but it can't. You do need to let it go. This I guess for you has left you so stressed their will be triggers to your bouts of depression over her. This new baby being a major one,
If it's any comfort to you, know this, she was your stepdaughter, not your daughter, she in times of need and struggle did what your friends daughter did, she turned to her biological mother. Now in this case the mother your sd turned to was clearly unfit, but she is her mother. Your own girls will always turn to you too, you won't lose them forever, you will always be their mother.
Don't let a drug addict destroy your life. Remember that is what she is and as much as you wish she wasn't, you cannot control it.
I hope your feeling a little better by the time you read this.
Thank you, the reality makes
Thank you, the reality makes me feel better, I mean she is my step daughter not my natural daughter and my girls will be there for ever because I am forever their mom. I don't know why, I go through spurts of this, where I will be all angry and then like today, I feel fine and I don't want to see her face! The drug has destroyed my life and I need to make it stop. She is a drug addict and she has ruined not only her own life but she has torn her family apart. Everything that she once loved whole heartedly, is now gone and she at this point likes it that way, she doesn't want any of us anymore. I often wonder why I hang on like this, why I let it control me. Its usually when I am alone and the kiddos and DH are sleeping, but its too late to call a friend. I have slowly over time really gotten much better about this, it helps to write on here about it to get it out. Usually I feel better once I typed it out.
Thank you for taking the time to comment, Your words of wisdom did help me very much. They make total sense so does the comment from Jennaspace.
God Bless!
My sd is not a drug
My sd is not a drug user...just a people user.. We've been very close through the years...when she needed something. I didn't pick up on that...I'd get kicked, then go back for more. She now has two babies, one is a year old, one is special needs two month old. I understand that hurt. It really does stink letting go do that pretty picture in your head. The day each baby was born was very hard...prepare yourself for that. But every day gets easier. I promise.