ADULT SKIDS and HOLIDAYS
3 Adult SKIDS (SD25, SD23, and SD21). We were getting along pretty good over the last year until my recent falling out with SD23 who FINALLY moved out of our house 3 weeks ago. Now SD25 has decided to join sides with her sister and "not want anything to do with me". She has declared she is not coming over for any holiday- and informed her dad that she is going to Minnesota with BM and her sisters for Xmas to visit BM's Family. She had the audacity to tell her dad He should come with THEM!!! I have been with my BF for almost 5 years- and he's been divorced for 3 years. We've lived together for 4 years!! sooo, REALLY? She is pushing for her parents to get back together. I feel bad for BF that his kids have decided to "hate" me AGAIN and snub their nose at us for the holidays.
SD21 is a senior in college and is the ONLY one who still treats me with any respect. (she is also the ONLY one who is more like her dad than the other two). However, I don't trust her when she's with her sisters because I am sure they love to Hate the evil BBGF!!! I have always tried to keep the peace while also keeping some distance with them- I've never gone overboard trying to stay in their good graces. I just feel so awful that they see me as the EVIL stepmom. I do not want this kind of relationship with them. However, I also don't feel like I should bow down to their every whim- and give in when I've done nothing wrong.
The BM is moving back home in the next few months and it feels like the girls are really feeling pressured to stay loyal to BM- and turn their backs on me. They are trying to prove a point- to "someone".
I helped SD25 sign up for Financial Aid so she could attend college this semester but I'll never get credit for any of that. I do SD21's financial Aid Every year- because BM always waits til the last minute instead of getting it done before the May 1st deadline. I try to encourage all of them to get ahead and I've been there to babysit SD25's 1 year old daughter on many occasions when her dad wasn't home. I wish they could see me through their dad's eyes instead of through the distorted eyes of their mother.
As the holidays approach, I am feeling more anxious about this whole situation. I feel like it's my fault the girls don't like me, even though I know in my heart it's not. I don't want his kids to turn their back on him just to spite me. He has been so wonderful and has stood up for me so many times when they try to spew their evil venom about me. He has told me that I am the one he wants to be with and they don't have to like it. Even though he is standing with me- I can see the hurt in his eyes when his kids start acting like their mother.
I feel like I've had to disengage from his kids and his granddaughter cause I don't want to get hurt. I feel that SD25 has been purposely staying away the last month and we've barely seen granddtr(during the drama with her sister moving out). I love his grand-daughter but I don't want to get too attached because I know BM is coming back to town and is going to steal any chance of maintaining a relationship with her.
so as the Holidays get closer, I just wonder how much effort I should make with the SKIDS- knowing they don't want anything to do with me??? Should I still buy each of them a gift? That is the "right" thing to do. But I have a feeling that they have discarded my gifts in the past- even though the BF is in denial about it.
Just venting after a long night at work!! Thanks for reading!!
BBGF
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Comments
StepAside, Amazing Post! You
StepAside,
Amazing Post! You are so right about so many things!!! It is much more difficult because they are girls!! And they have always stampeded this hate campaign towards me because they want to be "loyal" to their BM; so to like me is being disloyal. We've been having this battle from the moment I stepped into their father's life. We have had only brief periods of truce behavior which never seems to last long. Surprisingly, me and SD25 seemed to have a better relationship since she had her daughter last year.She literally matured over night after becoming a mother. However, she began having a lot of post-partum psychotic behaviors- lashing out at her boyfriend, having angry out bursts towards everyone (especially if things didn't go her way). Her boyfriend even moved out after she physically hit him on several occasions. He moved back in for the baby's sake and she started counseling but not much changed so he left her for good in July.
Even with all her emotional issues, I can always tell when the QUEEN was home because SD25 and SD23 would treat me with an attitude and say nasty things about me to their father. I feel I have tolerated more than I needed to up to this point.
The dilemma is me and SD21 still get along. She actually contacts me instead of her mother for personal issues- and problems....seeking my advice. Me and her mom are both ER nurses- so you would think she'd go to her mother. BM has been very irresponsible when it comes to her priorities. BM and my BF split the cost of SD21 tuition. She hasn't made a payment since April- which has caused the college to put a hold on SD21's account- which means she can't sign up for her classes (and she's a senior!). BM has been this way from the beginning of time, always waiting until the very last second to pay her portion of the tuition bill. My BF always pays his on time or in full at the start of the semester.
But the QUEEN can come home (she lives out of state) and take the girls out to an expensive restaurant- go partying with them- takes them shopping;but she doesn't have money for the "important" things like tuition. This infuriates me every time!! Now the little Princesses only see the QUEEN as "fun" - and dad is always seen as not so fun- too serious. (but that's cause daddy IS paying his bills and THEIRS!)
I have to say that I am much more at peace now that I don't deal with SD23 who was living with us "temporarily" (but the diva decided to grow roots and stayed for a year and a half.) She never paid any rent- even though that was she agreed to- In the last 9 months she began personal assaults and mindless battles with me and my DD18 every time her daddy went to work. We were in such deep battle mode in September that she is the only one who didn't even acknowledge my birthday- and you know, I didn't even care!!! She thinks that it mattered to me? But I didn't expect anything less.
As far as Christmas, I may just let their dad buy them his gifts and attach my name to it, without going that extra mile to get something personal from me. Every year, I usually buy something that is just from me, but I think I won't let the little Divas benefit from their bad behaviors.
thanks for taking the time to respond!! Much Appreciated!!
BBGF
goforit, You are so right.
goforit,
You are so right. They have forgiven their mothers bad behavior (and irresponsibility) over and over again. I also think because me and their father are not "married" yet, they see me as temporary- or maybe as removable!! I think they interpret us not getting married as maybe their father doesn't really love me or there must be something wrong with our relationship that he doesn't want to marry me. The truth is, he was so devastated after his divorce, he has that attitude that he never wants to get married again. Last year for my birthday he bought me a past, present, and future diamond ring. He never "asked" me to marry him but of course I initially had the interpretation that it "meant" something more than just a birthday gift. And it was very meaningful between us, don't get me wrong. Unfortunately, It has also brought up the subject of marriage MORE than it ever did before. I never talked about getting married, I NEVER asked for a diamond ring, I never expected anything from him. I am not one of those girls. I always felt if he really wanted to marry me, when the time was right FOR HIM, it would happen.
But I was hurt because he never really brought up my "birthday" gift to his girls. SD21 just asked me 2 weeks ago about the "ring"- (it was all sparkly in the sun that day) and her dad didn't know what to say. We joke about it and say its my friendship ring. But deep inside this hurts me, because I want it to mean more than that!!!
I think until me and him solidify our relationship and make it "permanent" in his kids eyes, they will continue to try to come between us and break us up. His oldest daughter is already trying to plot ways to get him and the EX to spend time together- in hopes of them working it out. I have a feeling when the QUEEN moves back home- the games are only going to get more devious!!
BBGF
StepAside, You speak very
StepAside,
You speak very eloquently about all of these issues. I really value your opinion because you have been dealing with this for so many years- it gives me a glimpse into my own future. Although the Skids have tried to be polite- around birthdays and holidays-it's all very superficial. Your explanation about the Oldest making the younger sisters join her "pact" to ignore me- or hate me- seems to be happening over and over again. She also tries to feed this crap to my BF- then hangs up on him when he doesn't give her the answer she wants to hear. A few hours later, when she "needs" something.....she calls with a bad attitude and he's just supposed to pretend like everything is fine and "give in" to her "needs".
After almost 5 years, I am ready to stop "trying" so hard to win them over. I never went overboard- but I always try to do the "right" thing even when they are treating me badly. I keep thinking if I treat them with some "respect" despite how they treat me, maybe one day they will let go of their anger and come around.However, After dealing with SD23 for the last year, I am fed up.
They need to stand out in the cold and bitch and moan all they want about what they "want" (like their parents to reconcile) until they realize it's all for naught because, we are not living our lives to make "them" happy. They try to make BF feel guilty by saying that he is "selfish" for putting his own happiness before the wants/needs of his kids. But they forget, they are all GROWN!! and they need to jump out of the nest (and his wallet) and learn to fend for themselves!!!
I truly can see my own future in your story!! I don't think things will change if/when we ever get married. That issue alone is something that me and him take as a private issue- and have decided when it happens- we are not telling anyone until afterwards. Our love and our relationship only matters to US anyways!!!
I don't think any of the SKIDS will grow up and learn to have their own opinions since BM will always be right there to brainwash them. She has not had a boyfriend since 2009- when her leech left for a new sugar momma. Ever since then, she's had a some health problems that she tries to keep Top secret from my BF. And I think she's also using these issues to play on his emotions. She knows he still loves her- and the kids are feeding off this- making him feel guilty that "mom" has to do it all on her own. But she made the CHOICE to leave my BF for a younger LEECH- who was clearly just using her- and she up and left state with him- leaving her youngest daughter in the middle of her senior year. She has done so many inconsiderate things to all the kids- but somehow she comes up smelling like roses- and my BF catches all the heat if he doesn't do one little thing "right" in their eyes.
I think me and my BF need to start doing what is best for US- and stop worrying about making the SPOILED rotten SKIDS happy. I am currently living in the BF's house that he lived with the EX and the kids- so I also think this also causes some bad feelings among his kids towards me. This was not our original plan- since BF was trying to sell the house when we started dating. After a year, in the midst of the housing crisis, it never sold and so he had no choice but to move back in since he was still paying both the mortgage and rent at our condo. It was a logical decision- not one made to hurt any ones feelings.
After hearing your story- one told after 18 years- it really helps me have a better perspective about what I can do and what I need to STOP doing. It will save me years of grief and heartache. Thanks so much for your thoughtful responses!!
BBGF
(BAD BAD GIRLFRIEND