Let the Holidays Begin- and the Drama!
Update:
In the last month, my SD23 moved out!! Finally after a year and half!! (VICTORY). But the same day she moved out, my daughter (21) had to temporarily move in with us because she was having issues with her roommate. I am sure this looked like we were kicking his daughter out but allowing my daughter to move in. This caused alot of anger in his 2 oldest daughters. SO his oldest- who always feels she has to be spokesperson for her sisters- has decided that she is not going to come over to our house for Thanksgiving even if we have a dinner planned. Her and SD23 are really close right now so they are trying to prove a point to their dad. The problem is, SD25 is using her 1 year old as a pawn in a very sick and manipulative game with her dad. She knows he Loves his grand-daughter and she is trying to use her (by not letting her come to our house so he can't see her etc) because daddy isn't doing what SHE wants him to do. (which is get back with mommy!)
I guess it came up in conversation that she thinks her dad isn't giving her mom a chance??? and Today they are getting "family" pictures taken which was my mother in laws idea. SD25 thought that her mom should be in the "family" pics too. This started a heated debate about why he's not giving her mom another chance etc. SD25 also informed my Bf that THEY (all 3 girls) are having an early Thanksgiving dinner with "MOM" on Tuesday because BM lives out of state and has to work on Thanksgiving night. SD21 is also having a minor surgery on the day before Thanksgiving- so BM will be here for that but has to leave early Thanksgiving morning to drive home.
SD25 also said that they are all going back to Minnesota (where my BF and his ex are from) to visit her mom's family for XMAS- and she actually said that HE should go with them. REALLLLY?? It's a FAMILY trip huh? He had to remind her AGAIN, that he is Divorced from her mother and that he is NOT going with them. The idea that SHE even thought this was a good idea is unfathomable. But I can see what she is trying to do. She is trying to get HIM and his EX to spend time together in the hopes they would work it out. BM is supposed to be moving back to PA from VA- in the next few months and I can feel the tension building already. The girls are in cahoots to get their parents back together- so they are turning up the pressure on me and him.
I am exhausted from all the drama. I am at the point I am not trying to appease his kids. I am realizing that no matter what I do- they are going to still feel the way they do. We have been together for 4.5 years and it has always been a rocky relationship with his kids. Now his kids are basically saying- they are not going to come to our place- for anything. They won't be around for Thanksgiving or Christmas. But what they don't see is the hurt they are causing their father. These childish games are getting old.
We keep saying that things will get better once all the Adult children are gone- but I can see it is going to be a lifelong struggle to keep the peace.
BBGF
- bbgf's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Wow I guess I have a lot to
Wow I guess I have a lot to look forward to lol....they need to grow up!!!!!If they loved their father they would respect his descisions and his new woman no matter what the situation is...Those are very childish games!!!!!Good luck!
He really does heed to tell
He really does heed to tell his kids in a straight forward way that the subject is closed regarding him and the EX. I know he has to maintain some civility with her ( since they are both still paying for their youngest college tuition and a timeshare) but other than that....he is not obligated to deal with her. However, it seems when she comes home to visit- the girls ALWAYS want them to have a "family" dinner. SO far, this has not bothered me but I am bothered when he is hanging out at his daughters (when I know the ex is home). I think he still tries too hard to keep the peace with everyone. And sometimes I feel that He is still trying to protect HER feelings. I am the "forbidden" name that shall not be uttered in HER presence. And because of this, the more time the kids spend with her- the more they treat me badly. Once she goes back home...the kids attitudes are not as bad towards me. I just hate the "fakeness". And I hate feeling "fake" towards them.
BBGF
I think it is rather sad they
I think it is rather sad they keep trying to get their parents together again. How deluded can they be? Does their mother agree with their plotting and planning? I think it is less about you (they see you as temporary) and more about reclaiming their family again. ANY woman who their father was with would get the same treatment as long as it isn't their mother.
As for using the grandchild as a pawn.. I just think of it this way. The child is not likely to remember anything before the age of 3-4. She may remember snippets, like a screen shot of an event. But will she remember missing her grandfather for her 1st Christmas? Of course she won't.
I wonder what your thoughts are about marrying this man? Is that on the cards? Because maybe they see you as ONLY the girlfriend whereas their mother was HIS WIFE.
Your DH needs to address their behaviour something like this "No, I am not married to your mother any longer. Of course we can't have a family photo. You are part of MY family and your mother's family. You get 2 families. So enjoy your photo session."
"I am sad you cannot spend TG/ Xmas with us this year. I will miss you all. However if you can make it, give us a few hours notice. Love you girls."
" Sigh! Sorry, I can't call by tonight. Maybe tomorrow? Your mom will be gone tomorrow? Well I am coming to see you not your mom."
He needs to block them at every turn. And expect nastiness and mean-spiritedness. They know nothing else. They probably have their mother crying in her teacup over losing their father. But if her happiness is solely dependent on their father then her daughters and grandchild/ren don't help much do they?
Often BMs become this endangered protected species. NO one can say ANYTHING against them because they have 'no one'. My DH has a heart condition that can affect his ability to mow our hilly property when he has an episode. His sons would run over and mow their mother's lawn and ignore their father's lawn. After all, he has ME. Why would they need to help out Dad when he has someone to help him? Never mind that fact I would be inside restricting their father from doing too much (as he does the minute my back is turned, the snot!). Never mind the fact I have creeping arthritis in my hip and toes and fingers. No, their mother cannot function without their assistance but Dad... he has oneoffour.
OneofFour, wow!! I think you
OneofFour,
wow!! I think you hit the nail on the head in your first sentence!!!! Me and my BF have been together for 4.5 years. We do not talk about marriage- although he knows that I would marry him in a heartbeat. He was very very heartbroken when he got divorced and he has that manly "I'm never getting married again" attitude. I think the kids interpret this differently- like there is a reason he wouldn't marry me- (instead of seeing it as - Him having a stupid macho man attitude towards marriage.)
I NEVER talked about marriage in the first 3 years, NEVER. We never window shopped for rings, we never brought up the subject (except for him saying, "NEVER AGAIN") Then he gives me a diamond ring for my birthday last year. Under the circumstances( a last minute dinner on my way to work)- he never "asked" me and I of course I read more into its meaning than he realized. So it's been a controversial subject for the last year- which has also caused the subject of marriage to come up more than ever.
I think his kids know I am not temporary- but at the same time, without the Official commitment of marriage- they hold onto the belief that our relationship isn't "solid" or "unbreakable"- so they continue to try. An incident that happened in 2009 between him and the ex- gave the kids false hope of a reunion and I think they continue to hold on to that hope. As long as me and him are not "married" - they see me as expendable.
That is very sad that his kids won't come help him, knowing his condition. My BF always wanted a son- but with 3 daughters- he might as well forget them being able to help him in any way. It is the chronic state of relationships that wear on you emotionally. It's not always one incident- but a series of incidents- or the things that are NOT said and NOT done that make a difference.
BBGF
WOW what a piece of work??
WOW what a piece of work?? This is what I would do ok fine you don;t want to come for any family events at my house the=n you don't get to benefit from the family aka no presents or money...NOTHING!
All his kids are grown no reason for him to have any kind of contact with her ever! Your dh also needs to tell his girls that if they want to talk to him they can but they are not allowed to talk about their mom ever and if they bring her up he needs to hang up! It will be very rough but I bet you anything that if they want any kind of relationship with him they will stop that crap or just write him out. Either way it is their choice.
Mom2tomany, I think the funny
Mom2tomany,
I think the funny thing is- the Spoiled SKIDS- who say they don't want anything to do with me- and refuse to come visit for the holidays , especially if I'm Present- will still expect a gift anyways. In 2009, there was a huge family blow out- that was caused by the BM. The kids all said they didn't want anything from me for xmas- didn't want to come over for dinner- same crap that is going on this year. BUT I can guarantee you, they will Tolerate me just to get a gift/money for xmas. It's a sick and twisted game we play- just to PRETEND we like each other. And I am sick of pretending. I don't want things to be this way- but sometimes I feel it is out of my hands!
BBGF
Wow! Talk about a shot thru
Wow! Talk about a shot thru the heart. Did you DH get hip to her skip after the ticket incident?