Do we let her not come to our house?
My SD is now 9 1/2 years old. We don't have a very good relationship nor do I or my DH with BM. My DH loves his daughter very much. She has started to not come because of a couple of things...she is in an extra curricular activity that is taking time away from our family but now allows her to see her mom daily (BM is there even on our days even though it has been recommended for her not to be), she doesn't like the way we parent...we hold our kids accountable and responsible for their actions and they are expected to do a small amount of chores, I made a fatal error in the middle of a blow up over something her mom did I told her I don't like her mom (she had previously told me her mom told her she didn't like me (and none of this should have been a surprise to her)...so i thought the gloves were off) except I didn't take into account that it was okay that her mom doesn't like me but that is her mom who she loves and adores, she feels her father doesn't support her activity....he feels he isn't given the opportunity to since her mom is always there and he can't stand. (many reasons there)
She is now is counselling over these issues...the therapist said okay we are all human and sometimes grown ups say the wrong stuff, she needs to attend family things soemthings and not always be at her activites, that she needs to stop taking small things and making them SO big.
My question is do we just take a step back and let her go through this phase? or do we force her to come here (which I am not sure we can do or would want to do). Her BM says she is trying to help Dh and SD mend their relationship but i see differnet and so does he. She says it is important that she miss our family outings to go to her activity.
It seems she has mansged to turn his parents against us and now is working on his daughter. With holidays approaching I am not sure if we just go about our family's holiday and let her stay with her mom if that is what she chooses.
This is dad's visitation time
This is dad's visitation time with his daughter. It is not SD-9.5's call. If dad wants her there, she visits. Regardless of what BM and SD-9.5 want or think.
The sooner she gets this through her head the sooner she will become a member of the family that you and her dad have built.
If the CO says it is dad's time .... it is dad's time. Courts and supplemental visitation rules tend to make it very clear that kids can't miss school for visitation but that extracurricular activities do not interfere with visitation.
In today’s age of instant communication and constant catering to kids it is too easy for kids to mistakenly place value that histirically was provided by the family on less important things like activities, friends, etc….
My SIL (Bro’s Wife) came from blended family and put much more value on her friends than on her family. As she and her friends have aged and had families of their own her friends have faded. She has struggled to learn that in the Rags clan family is the foundation of our lives and is extremely important. Unfortunately she dumped her “friends are the most important thing” on my niece before SIL recognized the Rags’ value of family. My niece is now struggling to understand that her family is who will be there for her and love her unconditionally. Few friends will.
I have made a bunch of friends in my life. Some have faded; a few never will and will always be close. But, mom, dad, bro and I are the foundation for each of us. I feel the same about my wife and even about my Skid. Whether he likes it or not. }:)
Kids don't choose not to see parents. Kids don't make adult decisions, adults do. If kid's were capable of makeing these decisions humans would be like most other animals who spawn and kick their kids out of the nest a few months later.
IMHO of course.
Best regards,
Thank you for your response.
Thank you for your response. We have echoed your same feelings to SD many times. We are older parents and she will never have another sibling from her mom and we have stressed the importance of her siblings here. I, too come from a very close family and my best friends are my brothers and sister. Unfortunately, that is not true for her mom's family. It is sad that they have put her activities ahead of her fmaily time.
Question: how do you force her to come. My dh tried one time and the whole affair was very traumatic (or so we are told) for SD. BM refused to allow her to come over. It seems the more time she is spending with her BM the more she pulls away from her dad.
If you have a CO you show up
If you have a CO you show up with CO in hand and a cop behind you. You remind BM that if child does not come with you she is in CONTEMPT and that you will be filing the following Monday. (you probably wont even have to do it...as long as you can make her believe you are serious she will not want to go there) The child might be unhappy....she might be upset....but if you put her through it once and you stick by it and you confirm that it is NOT up to her....she will stop trying to dictate whether she is coming or not.