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Step Daughter never says I love you...never calls me dad...never a kiss on the cheek.

Solemn in the Southwest's picture

Submitted by Solemn in the S... on Mon, 09/03/2018 - 4:58pm

My bride and I were married seven years ago.  At the time we met, she had an seven-year-old daughter.   We are fine as a family, go to church, go out to eat, movies, shows, vacations, etc...  The one thing that has flustered me after seven years of marriage (nine years of knowing her), she has NEVER ONCE said I love you, never once gave me a kiss on the cheek, never once called me dad.  

He bio-dad, was worthless.  In fact, some of the things that he did to her (and she has told me these things in person):

  • 1. Threw pencils at her and called her stupid when she did not get math questions correct.
  • 2.  Always drinking/smoking/partying...spending time with low-life friends instead of time with his daughter.
  • STOPPED seeing her/calling/communicating with her five years ago...lives 30 minutes away.  he remarried has two kids.
  • 3.  More stuff, along the same venue...

I have NEVER bashed him, called him an a-hole or names (my wife (his ex) has never done that either), just listened and told her how that was unfortunate.  How God entrusts children to parents and it's our responsibility to give them love and guidance,  Adults who shirk their responsibility are not being good parents.   Parents that intentionally hurt their children, they will have bigger consequences at judgment.

Over the last 7-9 years, she has never said she loved me, called me dad, or even a kiss on the cheek.  I would say this, she treats me like a friend.  She will hug me and is nice.  I on the other hand, could not treat her better then if she was my own flesh and blood.  

  1. Always tell her how much I love her
  2. Always take her to school
  3. She loves to draw, I always make sure she has her favorite coloring pencils, paints, markers, paper in stock
  4. She enjoys drafting/architecture software, I bought her the complete suite of the Architecture Software they have on the Fixer Upper show (Chip and Joanna Gaines)
  5. This rat girl at school made fun of her because she had a Samsung phone (this is three years ago), I bought her the best iphone with 256 GB memory in the rose color and a 256 GB Ipad to match.
  6. Always has great clothes, shoes, etc.
  7. We have always gone to ALL school track events (she runs track) and sang in the choir.
  8. Would drop off Chick-fil-et to her school for her and her friends on occasion.
  9. When she had challenges in math, we got her a tutor and I would work with her.

  10. flash cards, quizlett, etc. helped her with English, biology homework and test prep...literall countless hours.
  11. is never in a position of wanting anything.
    • My wife (her mother) is equally as giving to her daughter, but much more strict with her.  I have not mentioned much of my wife, because the issue is with me.  She tells her mom she loves her, kisses her, calls her mom...all that is understandable.
    • Some that read this may think I am trying to buy her love, I would disagree.  Again, this is how I would treat my own flesh and blood.

At times I thought, well she doesn't want to say that much anymore to people other than her established family...I was wrong.  She says it to friends, and I never say anything about it or behave differently.  I continue to be a loving father.  This is where the wheels came off (internally for me).  

Although the ex's side of the family is really jacked, in so many ways on the paternal side of the family, her maternal aunt through marriage to her father's brother, is AWESOME!  Good family, hard-working, very successful, very loving.  They have always stayed in her life (birthday/holidays).  Her paternal uncle was worthless and not communicated in 5 years.

They took her to their beach house on the east coast a month ago and she had a blast.  When she came back home from the trip, she mentioned how great it was and the fun time she had..all good.  She also mentioned how her uncle (one who had not communicated with her for 5 years along with her dad) and how they sat next to each other on the plane and how he apologized for not being there or a good uncle.  He said how her father is sorry and how they want to fix things...she was excited about the prospect and mentioned to us that she would like to handle things slowly, maybe a lunch or dinner with her dad and see how things progress.

My wife said, you are not doing anything like that.  Before ANY individual meeting, ALL the adults will first sit with a counselor.  The abandonment that her inflicted upon you five years ago will not be perpetrated again.  Our daughter was SO freaked saying not to do that, that it could scare him away...I just listened.  Here subsequent responding texts (she replied to his text saying it was great to see her) to her five-year absentee uncle ended in I love you.  

 

Where does this leave me, just flustered.  I have been there for EVERYTHING for the last 8 years, and I am simply a friend.  Never an I love you, kiss on the cheek, dad...nothing.  Abandoned fathers side of the family says hello and I am sorry, it's "I love you."

So, I am done trying to be a parent and will resign myself to a decline parent/friend.  No more I love you to her, no more giving kisses on the head, no more taking her to school, no more doing ANYTHING than what a friendly STEP-parent should do.  I am SO done with being a fool in trying to be a father to someone who never sees as more than a good acquaintance, occupying the same residence as her.   All the wasted countless hours...it's like throwing seed on the rocks and hope for a harvest.

 

 

Comments

susanm's picture

Submitted by susanm on Mon, 09/03/2018 - 5:38pm

Ouch!  The hurt is practically jumping off the page and I don't think anyone couuld blame you.  A lot of us are in similar situations but yours really crystalizes everything that makes being a stepparent nearly impossible.  The uncle coming along and getting an "I love you" has got to be a complete kick in the gut.  I am so sorry.

What does your wife say about all of this?  It would be very appropriate for her to have a talk with her daughter and explain to her that you have been there for her in ways big and small when you did not have to.  Letting her know how to treat people is part of her job and if she fails at that she will be doing her a grave disservice for future relationships.  In tthe course of that conversation she will hopefully get some understanding of what is in her daughter's heart and also plant the seeds of how to judge who is valuable and worthy of love due to longterm patient care rather than flash in the pan newness and excitement. Kids don't know that instinctively.  Someone has to tell them.

If your wife is unwilling to do that or if the daughter does not respond then I can see you pulling away.  But you have a great deal invested here.  Even though you are justifiably hurt, give them a chance to make it right.  Hopefully she will surprise you and stop taking your loving kindness for granted once some basic facts have been explained to her.

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Mon, 09/03/2018 - 5:37pm

My Dh always tells me, when I complain that I do not feel appreciated with all the countless things that I do to demonstrate my caring and love. I tell him "the mother, ToxicTroll can do anything bad that she wants to, still gets an 'i love you mom', and I can be so completely wonderful and still no 'i love you's" 

He sais "welcome to parenthood"

I say: "I would never ever hurt these children and still as ToxicTroll beats her eldest in front of the youngest, she STILL gets 'i love you mom' and birthday cards - handmade mind you these children can draw, while I get nada for birthdays or mothers days or christmas, or really anything that is special. I dont even have anyone get water for me after cooking a nice dinner, and certainly no offers of dishes or cleanup."

he sais "Welcome to parenthood".

So I say "great, eff you all, I do for myself from now on, and perhaps the appreciation for what you USED to have will hit you over the head!"

He sais: "she will appreciate you and she does now more than you know, and she will see how it is with her mom, ToxicTroll, and she will choose YOU".

I say, gee I think I will have to pass.

But that is all on a bad day. Shes a sweet kid, and it sounds like your SD is a sweet kid, and she is darn lucky to have all those things that you provide. But, and its a big but, you deserve more than what you are getting, and if she has capacity to say 'i love you, deadbeat daddy", perhaps that door will never open for you. Since you are not ok with that, definitely a change in behavior/expectations. I wouldnt withdraw completely, but gradually. Test the waters, see how things go (she will be disappointed). If the cretin wants back in her life, dont say no, and of course be that shoulder she can cry on, but see how it goes. This all may be very short-lived. 

Sorry but that last bit made me smile. She doesnt want him to be scared away? Like a shy delicate deer she is trying to coax with some food? A a stray dog she is trying to win over with some kibble? Sorry but if he is all you described, the word "dad" will scare him away. no problem.

Sorry this is happening to you, good luck and keep us posted.

Disillusioned's picture

Submitted by Disillusioned on Mon, 09/03/2018 - 6:20pm

I'm so sorry you're going through this, and sadly yes it is the story of so many good-hearted, well-intentioned step-parents! 

It can be such a thankless role :( 

At one time I fell over backwards for both my SD's as well. Couldn't have done more or tried harder, like you, generous with not only my money but with my affections and deeds. 

My older SD turned out to be a complete nightmare who would rather hate me than ever stop and think about how well I treated her

My younger SD never seem to appreciate anything either, untill funnily enough, finally once in her early 20's it seemed to dawn on her one day how much had been done for her and how good she had had it with me

Then she decided to treat me more like a loved and valued parent

So, it does sometimes happen!

Not that my younger SD is perfect and doesn't hurt my feelings from time to time with some apathy towards me...but then when I least expect it she surprises me by being appreciative and loving

Best advice I can give you, as hard as it is to hear this, you can be the best and most loving parent she has and even the worst Dad could trump you, just because he's blood

So, be a great step-parent instead. 

Set the example always for her about being a decent human being

Don't expect to be her Dad, or for her to love you like a Dad

If she's respectful to you and you get along like friends, wow, you're way ahead of most step-parents! 

And if you remind yourself that your role is simply to be a supportive and responsible/trusting adult to her, you will feel less hurt

And, although you shouldn't count on it, she may one day just like my younger SD, realize what a great guy you are and how much you influenced her life in a positive way, and may just surprise you by telling you that/that she loves you - it does sometimes happen!

Cover1W's picture

Submitted by Cover1W on Tue, 09/04/2018 - 11:43am

Agree here.  My SD12 is great - I think she sees me as a parent role, but not as her parent.  She still very much has a mom and a dad and all I can do is keep the door open for her and treat her well, with respect and kindness and be there if she has questions.  She's not an overly emotional kid, so I don't expect to hear "I love you" from her - she doesn't even say it to her dad much, but I know she does.  And I get a hug maybe a couple times a year and that's good.  I think you know, and you have to let it go at that. It will get worse as she ages into a teen, but hopefully as an adult she'll see the real you.

Maxwell09's picture

Submitted by Maxwell09 on Mon, 09/03/2018 - 6:44pm

I had so much typed here and then deleted it and restarted because I have such conflicting opinions about this:

I think some of this hurt is on you. You should not expect her to call you dad. That is something, a title, that no matter how crappy her dad is and will be it is not for you. You could give her the moon, Jesus could touch down and say you are the best dad in the world, but she is a child and to her, he will change for her or even at his very worst he still loves her and will always be dad.

You also set yourself up for expecting the child to love you. You can't make someone love you. And I'm pretty sure the girl does but you are they type that needs to hear and she might be unsure of how to say it to you. Love is a big emotion for a child. She has loyalty binds with her dad as many other children of separated parents do. It isn't black and white. It isn't "oh he's shit so I'm going to love this guy instead" to her. You are trying to assume this child has the awareness of an adult to both be grateful for all that you've done for her, be aware of just how shitty her own dad is without you or her mom pointing it out AND have the realization that people do not change....even though there are grown people on this board as well as many others who still believe that their SO will change for them for the better. 

I do think her mother should be making her thank you for helping her as often as you do. It is one of the things many children need whether they are thanking a step or bio or relative in general. People are forgetting to teach their children to be grateful which has led us all into a society of entitled little brats running around never saying "Thanks" so that I will give you. Mom needs to work on it and model it for her child.

Areyou's picture

Submitted by Areyou on Mon, 09/03/2018 - 8:04pm

I’m so sorry. Don’t blame the child. That’s her mother’s fault for not teaching her better. DH and I teach our own children to show love towards the other parent. SD13 is tough at times but she will text me niceties and give me nice handmade cards that say she loves me. SS11 is very open with his hugs, love you, miss yous. This is because DH has coached them to be nice to me. DD always hugs and thanks DH because I have taught her to show love towards the other parental figure in her life.

SMto2's picture

Submitted by SMto2 on Mon, 09/03/2018 - 9:15pm

I can't imagine how hurt you must feel. This reminds me of a male poster a couple years ago who had raised his SD from a very young age like you did without any contact or support from her BD, providing huge financial support and paying for her college. To the best of my recollection, when the SD was making plans for a huge wedding, all to be financed by him, the BD suddenly entered the picture and the SD asked BD, not SD, to walk her down the aisle. The SD was so crushed, humiliated and felt so taken advantage of, he told the SD and BM that they could pay for the wedding. (If I remembered any of the details incorrectly, I hope someone will correct them, but that definitely was the gist.) I've been a SM for 18 years but my SSs were EOW and have a BM. I learned LONG ago to guard my heart. My oldest SS has 2 beautiful daughters that I consider my SGDs, but I only do and buy for them (and their mother, SD's wife) what I WANT, always protecting my heart, not expecting anything in return (not even so much as a thank you) and understanding I'm NOT their real grandmother and that if something happened to my DH, I'd never see them again.  If I were you, I'd back WAY off and start guarding your heart as you should have long ago. I'd remind myself that the history you share with her doesn't mean to her what it did to you, and only do for SD what you absolutely WANT to do, never going out of your way for her. I truly don't understand how a child could be so rude and hurtful to someone who has treated them so well, but that's not for you to understand, as you just need to protect yourself from further hurt as much as possible. I do think it helps to come here and vent as things happen. I  wish you all the best.