BM’s Pyrrhic Victory
In another post, MorningMia wrote: DH eventually began to see his kids for who and what they are and finally accepted that they would never have the relationships he expected. He said in a sarcastic tone (as if, "big deal"), "She (BM) WON!" lol.
A Pyrrhic victory is one that is achieved at a great cost, resulting in significant losses for the victor and making the victory unworthy. Our not-so-beloved Crazy BM has a habit of winning Pyrrhic victories.
Two years ago, she dragged DH back to court, and during mediation, she dared to ask for $100K. This amount supposedly covered all sorts of things—refunds for money she’d spent on OSD, who had aged out of the system two years prior, back child support (even though DH had never missed a payment), and, of course, her legal fees. She wanted to keep primary custody of the underage skids and wanted an increase in child support. BM wanted DH’s total and complete destruction. She wasn’t merely going for the jugular; she wanted to behead DH completely.
Both DH and the mediator told her she was out of her mind. But Crazy being Crazy, she persisted and kept pushing the issue, taking DH to court despite everyone telling her she didn’t have a case. It was a typical move for her—fighting battles that hurt herself.
Well, they went to court. In true dramatic fashion, BM represented herself, claiming she was "poor." She had no choice but to represent herself because she had stiffed her lawyer. As a result, BM’s ex-lawyer ruined BM’s credit.
The case was a mess. She didn’t know what she was doing, so what should have been a two-hour court session dragged on all day.
Ultimately, though, she walked away with a Stepfamily Darwin Award. Sure, she got to keep primary custody of the skids—what she didn’t realize then was that the judge was setting her up for a fall. The real kicker? The judge drastically reduced her child support to zero dollars (essentially pulling her teeth out), and she had to pay her own court fees. It was a Pyrrhic victory at best, and by the end of it, she was left licking her wounds, wondering how it all went so wrong.
She came up with the brilliant plan to PAS out YSD—thinking, if I can get this kid to hate her father, I win! So, she set to work on her manipulation, and, sure enough, she succeeded. But what exactly did she win?
She won the full-time financial responsibility of a very troubled YSD.
She won, having zero free time to herself.
She won the full-time task of feeding YSD, day in and day out.
She won the headache of teaching YSD how to drive.
She won the joy of carting YSD to all her therapists, doctors, and dental appointments.
She won the daily grind of taking YSD to and from school.
She won the endless task of ensuring YSD does her homework and stays in school, praying she’ll eventually graduate.
If YSD gets an STD or ends up pregnant, BM wins the grand prize of dealing with that mess on her own.
If YSD somehow graduates high school, BM will be responsible for financing her education since DH made it very clear to both BM and YSD that if YSD becomes estranged from him, he won’t be paying a cent for her schooling.
And if YSD flunks out of the military? Well, BM wins again—housing and providing for her until she "gets back on her feet."
In the end, BM’s victory looks more like a life sentence, chained to all the responsibilities she so desperately thought she was escaping.
Reference: https://www.steptalk.org/blog/toaster/beatings-and-not-enabling-279391
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It can be hard to step back
It can be hard to step back from an argument even though we know we will hurt ourselves more than the other person by persisting with it. But those of us with some sense and foresight can manage to take the blow to our ego and do what is best for us overall. Those with more spite or hate or who want "revenge" or to feel in control cannot step back to save themselves.
We recently bought a house and the first house we tried to buy the seller got a bee in his bonnet about our attorney so would not play ball at all and refused to negotiate. So after a few weeks trying to sort this out we had no choice but to back out. Of course even though he was in the wrong and we were due back our earnest money he tried to hold onto that until he was practically forced to hand it over. In the end it took him another month to sell the place and he sold it for $5k less than we offered him, while we found a better property for the same price. The second house we had to swallow a few things that we could have gone after the seller for, but we needed to buy the property as we had an approaching timeline so just had to suck it up rather than drag things out. It felt wrong to let stuff go, but we knew it was in our best interests overall. That's the difference between people who have perspective and can step back from a situation and those who have tunnel vision.
It's a fine balance when
It's a fine balance when people divorce that they don't fight so hard that they all lose.. and no one wins but the lawyers.. (though sounds like the lawyer got screwed too..haha).
sometimes people get so into "winning" they don't realize that they have ruined what they were fighting over.. because they have spent more than it's worth in the end.
Divorce is a good way to take 100% and turn it into about 80% or less of what the value was before.. having to sell assets at fire sales to cash people out.. paying legal fees.. etc.. sometimes you would be better off letting the other person just get a bigger share vs everyone fighing over each and every detail.
When sitting in court, my
When sitting in court, my brother sent a last attempt offer to his ex that was considerably higher than his previous offer. She sent the note back with the words "up it by 100 and I might consider it". The judge awarded her less than his first offer ...
I forgot to mention.
I forgot to mention.
After each new evaluation, DH and BM are stuck with a three-year waiting period before they can go back to court again. And since YSD is turning 18 this September, she'll be aging out of the system before then, which means BM’s attempts to drag DH back to court and bleed him dry are pretty much done for good.
Hurray!
The fools shoot themselves in
The fools shoot themselves in the feet. With our toxic BM, it was "my way or the highway." She wanted full dictatorial control of our lives. When we didn't go for her way, she decided we should be punished, and she would be the one and only re: the skids. Well, she is. And with that comes a grown daughter living a stressful chaotic life and depending on BM for constant help as well as a major mooching grown son about to move back in with her. Meanwhile, DH and I save money and travel. Yay!
Cruel and Unusual Punishment…
Cruel and Unusual Punishment…
You and your DH save money and travel. How do you ever cope? You have such a not-so-terrible and stress-free lifestyle. It’s unbelievable how you two are holding up under your toxic BM’s cruel and unusual punishment!
I salute you!
We always lived at least an 8
We always lived at least an 8 hour drive from the skids & BM (the reason for the distance beyond 2 hours was BM moving, but DH is chronically accused of abandonment). I cannot imagine what life would have been like with them nearby (well, I can). It's been a long time since BM bothered us, as I backed her up well over a decade ago--she came at me (again) via another nasty gram at a low point, and I was just done. Long story short: I threatened to send her nasty grams and regular awful voicemails to her pastor. Scared her into silence, but her version to the skids is that I victimized her. Ha! She did not nasty gram me ever again, and within the year also gave up trying to rope DH back in.
The skids, particularly SD, have held onto Mommy's anger and bitterness for her, acting as mommy's little soldiers. She insisted they take sides. Lots of very unhealthy enmeshment there. Oh well: Not my circus, not my monkeys. Getting "here" was not a walk in the park, though.
Rope DH back in?
You wrote: …within the year, BM also gave up trying to rope DH back in.
How and why do you think your BM was trying to rope your DH back in?
When I first met my DH, Crazy BM was already well on her way to setting up what I like to call their "dis-marriage." It wasn’t a relationship—it was more like a ‘relationshit’ where Crazy BM reaped all the benefits of a traditional marriage, minus any of the responsibility. She wasn’t faithful (I wouldn’t say they were relationships, but the men out there used BM for ‘slump busters’), didn’t pull her weight with her parental duties, and lived as though she was entitled to it all without giving anything back.
My DH, bless his heart, was still under her spell. He’d follow her every move on Crazy BM’s Fakebook account, liking and clapping along like a circus seal to every post she made—whether it was about her or their crotch droppings. ‘Any demand she made, he caved.’
The whole situation was downright disgusting, especially when you remember that this woman had dragged DH to court and prolonged the torture for three years as she brutally divorce-raped him, walking away with more than half of his assets without so much as a second thought. Yet, there he was, still hooked, unable to break free from the twisted web she had spun around him, playing the role of the devoted, blind ex long after the marriage was over.
She cranked up her manipulation tactics when she found out we were dating. She lost her mind! She would send him these long, emotionally charged emails, each one more manipulative than the last. One email, in particular, really stood out as a prime example of how she operated. She’d gotten a sickly puppy from a puppy mill—something DH had explicitly warned her not to do. But true to form, if DH said anything other than praise, Crazy BM would dig in her heels and double down. Sure enough, she got the puppy, and just three days later, it died—whether from neglect or illness, we’ll never know.
It wasn’t surprising, though, considering this woman’s track record. She was notorious for neglecting even her own children. There were stories—too many stories—about how she would let OSD sit in a soiled diaper all day, starving, while she parked herself in front of the TV, chatting away on the phone. Then, 30 minutes before DH would come home, she’d clean OSD up and make it look like she’d been the mother of the year all along.
It was all a façade, carefully crafted to keep DH in her orbit and maintain control over him even after she had ripped him apart in court.
Crazy had turned over the puppy to YSD (who was nine at the time, the most self-absorbed, animal-hating little brat I know). Well, it's not surprising that the puppy died three days later. Crazy BM acted like her elderly dog, who had been her best friend since elementary school, died at the ripe old age of 45 (in human years).
In her Saccharin Sweet, flowery language that sounded cheesy if read out loud, she claimed DH was her best friend, and according to her email (at 3 am. In the morning), she tried to call him so he could comfort her because she was grieving the lost of her puppy. Mind you, this was on a weekday, and DH had to go to work the next day. He had slept so deeply he had missed her phone call.
When I read the email, I knew exactly what her game was and told DH, jokingly, “Crazy wants a ‘date’ you.”
Throughout the years, Crazy BM has always been scheming, trying to set up situations where she could corner DH into spending time with her under the guise of discussing "issues" with the skids. Whether it was at a restaurant or a school event, she would always make her move—attempting to get DH alone so they could "talk."
What’s even funnier, or rather, sad, is that during one of their many court battles, I witnessed something that perfectly captured how twisted it all was. DH’s lawyer, during cross-examination, asked Crazy point-blank, “Based on how you’ve treated this man over the years, do you understand why he wants no relationship with you in any way, shape, or form?”
Without missing a beat, Crazy actually answered, "Yes, I understand why he wouldn’t."
How and why do you think your
She had an affair during their marriage and threw DH out of the house, moved her affair-man in, took the skids to another state with affair-man (without DH's permission), and--surprise-it didn't work out. By that time, DH had moved on. My take is that she immediately regretted throwing away DH and began trying to re-engage. By then, he was dating someone else. Over the next three or so years, BM was successful in instigating break ups of DH's two relationships. DH told me at one time that BM didn't want to be with him again as husband and wife (I really questioned that), but viewed him as insurance. She is also a major control freak and feels the need to control every single person around her. She tried it with me, too. It's as if she wanted me to be sister-wife or Wife #2.
Absolutely! Same thing here!
Mine wasn't that bad, but, yes, early on, I described it as a "spell." Mine, too, caved to every demand, and the monetary demands kept increasing and getting more outrageous. Well into dating, I finally said, "Are you sure she's trying to make sure that you don't have the money to take me out to dinner?" Also, every Friday around 6 pm or every time we were pulling out of the driveway for a weekend get-away or vacation, the fake crisis phone calls came. It was so damn annoying, but DH acted like he was scared of her. I guess he knew what she was capable of doing (turning the kids against him).
That IS sad!
Same here. She used her old playbook from DH's other relationships. It had worked before; she figured it would work again. Yes, these women are SICK.
I think a blog of mine mentions how crappy these types treat animals. (Do these people come off an assembly line?!)
Vomit. BM here also emailed DH and told him, "We WERE best friends!" She meant, "You did whatever I wanted until Mia came along."
Again: VOMIT.
Where are you and DH now? How long has it been since he exited "the fog?"
Do these people come off an
Do these people come off an assembly line?!
MorningMia, they must! LOL, they must!
You asked, where are we now? How long has it been since DH finally emerged from "the fog?"
"F.O.G" stands for Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. I’d say DH has mostly cleared these hurdles, especially after YSD’s exit following her false accusations of child abuse. When YSD, with her BM pulling the strings, filed charges against him with CPS, that was the moment DH officially "dropped the rope" with YSD. It took that betrayal to finally sever the grip of guilt and obligation he’d been carrying for so long. He stopped being afraid for how she would turn out without him, if that makes sense.
It's been a slow process. A year and a half ago, BM dragged DH back to court again. During mediation, she asked for close to 100K, and DH turned to me for advice. I told him straight: Do. Not. Cave. He didn’t, he just told Crazy and her lawyer that he needed 24 hours to think about it and when he came home from court that night, I laid it all out for him.
"BM is a classic bully," I said. "She thrives on making people kowtow to her demands. From the moment you knew her, she’s been wearing the pants in your relationship." I made it clear that every time she comes for us, we need to stand our ground, no matter what. Even if all we can do is metaphorically spit on her or fight her with bad language, we can’t back down. I explained that if we gave in, if we handed her that money, she’d only be back for more—and she'd never stop. It had to end here. And that was the turning point for DH.
The next morning, DH told his attorney to suit up—it was time to go to battle in court. When Crazy BM caught wind that DH wasn’t going to roll over and actually planned to fight back, she did what most bullies do—she ran. Stalled. Bought herself time.
And during that time, she worked on YSD, manipulating her to the point where YSD didn’t want to testify against her poor, "sweet" Mommy Dearest. BM playing the I’m-just-a-poor-single-mother-doing-the-best-I-can, card like a pro, and it bought her about a year of delay. But she couldn't avoid the inevitable forever—sooner or later, that court date loomed closer, and she knew she couldn't keep stalling.
First, she tried to beg DH to drop the court case—literally begged him, desperate for a way out. But DH? Nope. He wasn’t having it. He told her straight up, “You started this mess, now I’m finishing it.” She then tried to negotiate, offering little compromises here and there. But DH, standing his ground, refused again. “When I was reasonable before,” he said, “you took advantage. I gave you an inch and you took a mile. Not this time. This time, we’re going to court.”
The judge did two things that completely flipped the power dynamics:
First, he granted Crazy BM primary custody, which might sound like a win for her at first, but here’s the catch—when she successfully PASed YSD out, she had to take full responsibility. When YSD jumped ship and burned the bridge, DH said that since she had done this, YSD wasn’t coming back here to live. And, if Crazy got overwhelmed, she couldn’t force DH to take possession of YSD or deal with YSD’s nonsense anymore. DH, being the non-custodial parent (NCP), could now legally refuse visitation, and Crazy was stuck with the full-time burden she manipulated her way into.
Second, and this is where it hurt Crazy most, the judge pulled out her teeth—child support ended. That means Crazy didn’t have money to take him back to court all the time. The judge dropped it completely, making DH a free man financially. She lost the control she had over him through those payments.
So now, we’re in a good place... for now. But who knows what the future holds? For the moment, though, it feels like we’ve finally caught a break.
Sounds good. I remember the
Sounds good. I remember the days of "waiting for the other shoe to drop," though. (I still in the back of my mind expect BS now and then, but not nearly to the level it once was.) Hopefully, you all can go forward without the dysfunction from here on out!
Amen to that! MorningMia!
Amen to that! MorningMia!
Exceptionally well done.
We were the CP version of your journey. The SpermClan attempted to intimidate my DW into giving up custody of SS-32 when he was 1yo. Nope, she took out supplemental school loans, got a lawyer, and went to war with them. That threw them for a loop. They then went into eternal delay mode to try to bury DW in debt. They backed out of 3 different court dates after DW had flown to SpermLand for a hearing with SS with her. Finally, they tried it a 4th time and DW told her attorney that if it was postponed again that they would motion for full reimbursement of all of the travel costs the SpermClan had caused.
The Judge attempted to postpone again because our case interfered with a fresh Murder trial that the Judge wanted to preside over. Our attorney informed the Judge of the SpermClan delay bullshit so the hearing went forward that day. They had gone for custody. Their main stated reason was that DW was dating and cohabitating with someone while she was out of State attending university. We never cohabitated while in school. They claimed I lived with her. I owned my own home. She had an apartment. When their idiot lawyer tried to play that card, my then 18yo wife of 5days blew his doors off. "Why would he want to live in my college apartment when he owns his own home?
Anyway, they lost, full physical and legal was upheld for DW, CS went up by 20%, they ended up with less visitation that DW had offered them. When we were walking out of court after the CO was issued, their attorney approached my DW and told her that they would accept the 9Wks of visitatio she had offered. She laughed and told their bottom dweller attorney "Didn't they hear the Judge? They get 7wks."
They rarely took their entire 7wks in any given year. There were a number of periods of a year or more that they took none of their visitation.
My XW was one of these during
My XW was one of these during our divorce and even after. She had deluded herself into thinking we would date and be lovers after the divorce. I would not have touched her with someone elses gonads.
She would give me the sobbing calls upon occasion with the "You're my best friend and know me better than anyone What should I doooooooo!"
Not my problem. F-off and die. Of course I toned the rhetoric down a bit, but the message was consistent. That would drive her nuts and when she had recovered from the last clear message she would come back when she wanted something from me. I never played her game, she played mine when she tried to pull her crap.
For you, what is even remotely appealing about this guy you have attached your star to?
You asked, "What is even
You asked, "What is even remotely appealing about this guy you’ve attached your star to?"
The simplest answer is often the best: My DH is a good person. He’s not perfect—far from it—but at his core, he’s a genuinely good person. And that’s something rare in this world, at least in my experience. It’s not about perfection; it’s about goodness. It’s about standing by someone you know, despite all that life throws at you, is worth it. He was there for me when I truly needed it. I can do the same for him.
What is he doing to help
What is he doing to help himself? If he isn't fixing the situation, he is dragging you down with him. A good person does not do that to the person they claim to love.
IMHO of course.
Take care of you.
Eternity roasting in hell is not enough for these types.
The SpermClan lived the consequences associated with their lack of reasonableness.
When DW kicked the Spermidiot out for cheating with yet another statutory rape victicm just before SS turned 1yo she then sued for paternity and CS. The Spermidiot was ruled to be the father, he is definately the BioDad and was hit with $110/mo in CS. Full physical and legal custody of SS was COd for DW at that time. There was no visitation order associated with that CO.
DW left the peoples republic of SpermLand to addent university out of state. There was nearly zero effort by the SpermClan to see SS before she left for University with SS on her hip at 18yo. The Spermidiot whined and cried about missing his family while he was snogging with his 16yo GF. He "booked" several flights to visit my DW and SS. She took several busses to the airport to meet him each time. He never got off of any of the flights he claimed to have reservations for.
I had seen DW on campus a few weeks before. I went into the grad placement office for an interview. She was there doing some corporate research with a classmate. I sat down waiting to be called for my interview. She was grousing about her babby daddy wanting to reconcile then repeatedly lying about his flights. I interjected... "In that case, how about we go to dinner." She gave me a scowl and ignored me. When I came out of my interview a couple of hours later the grad placement Admin gave me a note. It was from my DW with her name and phone number. The rest... as they say.... is history. While there are no guaranties. It is looking good so far at 30yrs and counting.
As soon as SpermGrandHag heard through the grapevine that DW was dating someone at school, she went batshit screaming banshee nuckin futz. DW got served with a custody suit. That started 8mos+ of legal manipulations by the SpermClan. First was the custody suit. Next was DW taking out supplemental school loans to get her own lawyer. Then in reviewing the custody suit filing she noticed that SpermGrandHag had forged the signature of the Spermidiot. That ended with the SpermClan's attorney firing them for fraud. I still do not understhand why DW did not press charges for fraud against the Hag. I would have.
DW and SS flew back to SpermLand for court dates several times only to have the SpermClan backout of the hearing at the last minute. A blatant attempt by the Hag to bankrupt DW and force her to surrender SS to them due to her being broke. The Hag severly underestimated my bride.
We married the week before the court date actually happened. Two weeks before we married the Spermidiot had married his 16yo GF to avoid us highlighting him being a serial statutory rapist in court and pointing out he was mollesting yet another underage teen.
In the couple of weeks before the hearing the SpermClan's bottom dweller shit attorney of the moment called with an offer to drop the custody case if DW would agree to joint custody. Nope. They countered with 50/50 visitation. Nope, DW offered them 9wks of visitation. They countered with 26 weeks of visitation. Nope. 9wks. They countered with 15wks the day before we went to court. Nope. 9wks.
After a very long day in court with a pissed off Judge who had to pass on a murder trial due to the repeated cancelations by the SpermClan and our refusal to postpone yet again, full physical & legal for DW was upheld and 7wks of visitation was ordered. CS was raised from $110/mo to $133/mo. SpermGrandPa about lost his mind on that since his idiot wife, SpermGrandHag, was paying the CS for their idiot POS son.
As we all walked out of court the scum SpermClan lawyer walked up to DW and informed her that his clients agreed to the 9wks of visitation she had offered. She laughed in their faces and told them to read the CO. 7wks. That was a couple of days before SS-32 turned 2yo.
When the toxic side wins in accordance with their slimey bullshit, it is Karmac justice. Sadly, usually it is the kids who lose. For us, SS won. He was insulated from the overwhelming majority of their bullshit though they certainly did their best to PAS and otherwise destroy the kid during the 7wks they were awarded. When they actually took it. Fortunatley for SS, there were a number of periods of a year or more that they cried poor mouth and refused visitation. When no contact between SS and the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool hit a year, I would advise DW that we buy the plane tickets for the next COd visitation. While our goal was to protect him from their toxic bullshit, I made a commitment to SS and to his mom that I would not interfere with his relationship with the SpermClan. So, we paid for their half of visitation air fare a number of times. Always with some regrets since invariably they would do their usual petty PASing guilting manipulative lying crap to SS when he was splashing around in their shallow and polluted cess pool of genetic effluent.
Eventually, SS wrote them all off. Their crap did not end when he reached the age of majority and aged out from under the CO. They attempted to guilt him into repaying the 16+ years of CS they were COd to pay. When he was in his early 20s he finally had enough. He asked me to adopt him. We made that happen.
SS is a man of character, honor, and standing in his life, profession, and community. His three younger also out of wedlock Spermidiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas include spawn #2 who is on the dole. Spawn #3 who is in prison. Spawn #4 is not far behind the inmate. The Hag raised those three and they turned out just as bad as the serial statutory rapist Spermidiot.
We were fortunate to, for the most part, successfully defend SS from that shit puddle of polluted toxicity of a SpermClan gene pool.
The final SpermGrandHag event was a shocker. When SS told them that he had asked me to adopt him and the adoption was final, the Hag dropped my jaw to the floor. "I am glad that you have had a good man to be your father."
If I had a heart, I might have actually felt bad for her. But nope. Not after her at that time two+ decades of bullshit and evil hag banshee crap targetting my bride and my kid.
Rot and burn in hell when the time comes Hag. You have earned every microsecond of having your flesh seared to infinity and beyond.
I know. Bad Rags, bad.
The Shocker
The final SpermGrandHag event was a shocker. When SS told them that he had asked me to adopt him and the adoption was final, the Hag dropped my jaw to the floor. "I am glad that you have had a good man to be your father."
WOW, Rags!
I can’t quite recall the exact verse in the Bible, but what you’ve been through reminds me of one that says something along the lines of, "If you do what’s right (in your case, you raised your son to be a respectful, accountable and responsible person), even your enemies will respect you (eventually)."
It feels so fitting for what you’ve dealt with because, despite all the chaos and manipulation they sent your way, you and yours have stayed the course. The results, as you have stated, are self-evident.
I was taken aback by her
I was taken aback by her comment when SS informed her he had been adopted at his request. I still don't trust them or her, and I never will. I would not waste the hydration to piss on any of them if they were on fire.
But, them being irrelevant is a good thing and our son putting that whole part of his life behind him is an even better thing.
Letting kids take control
Of the home and letting kids make all the important decisions it's setting up your life for disaster. BM will never get a BF. No man will put up with his SK Controling his life. So BM get to support her kids having her life totally control.