I don't know why I'm upset but I am
For school picture day this year, I bought my sd10 a beautiful red dress (her favorite color). Picture day was going to be on our days with her so I was pretty excited about getting her ready. A few days before her pictures her mom wrote me and told me they had bought special clothes for her to wear for picture day and she would send it up to us. DH told her that we had clothes picked out and since it was our days we would like to do this with SD. The day before picture day, SD was at the supper table and said her mom didn't send up the clothes but she would bring it to her at school before pictures were taken. We were furious that BM was going behind our back to do exactly what she wanted. Like we weren't going to notice when pics came back and she wasn't wearing a red dress. It was just something special we wanted to do with her. It ended up being a big argument, but we got what we wanted. basically stop interfering on our time and let us have this experience with her. I got up 90 minutes early and curled her hair and she looked so pretty. Pics turned out great.
Fast forward to picture retake day, also on our time, and BM went to school with the clothes they picked out, straightened her hair and had retakes done. She never told us she was doing this. I noticed SDs hair was different when I picked her up from school and she told me.
I'm so upset. DH don't think it's a big deal since we got what we wanted. But it's like BM stepped in and said those pics aren't good enough and did what she wanted anyway. I took time out of my day and money out of my waist trying to do something nice for SD but bm swooped in and took over anyway. I feel like next year, I shouldn't even waste my tomr or money on trying to do something nice for pictures. If they want it one way, fine. But then I feel like this is my whole life with her and nothing we ever do here is good enough. Her mom overstep so much and is so involved in her life even on our time 50/50. Thanks for listening. I'm sure I'm probably blowing this out of proportion but for 7 years I have been trying and for 7 years I'm not good enough. They have won, I'm broken.
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It may be time
To seriously consider backing off AKA disengagement. These programmed children by the HCGUBM will always do the bidding of the Mothership 99.9% of the time.
They will smile in your face then turn around and back stab you. Stockholm syndrome. They are being systematically brainwashed by the mothership against you and your husband and there is really nothing you can do because the court systems don't feel this is a problem.
I would no longer try to dress her up on your time or curl her hair or do anything like that anymore. Been there done that burned the T-shirt. Disengagement will keep you from being emotionally battered. Of course if your DH subscribes to one big happy family which most of them do and fails to realize that his ex is sabotaging everything mainly because they don't like the idea of daddy moving on you may get some flack from your DH.
SD is at an age where she realizes which side of the bread is buttered on. And that she must do the bidding of the Mothership. Soon it will be out and out hostility toward you and DH for daring to "upset mom" (TM).
I think the issue is perhaps
I think the issue is perhaps that mom feels "you".. are the one who was driving the school picture outfit etc.. and that your DH was supporting you.. but she felt as the mother that was in her wheelhouse.. her area as a mother to help her child with fashion and hair.
In the end.. while the picture days happened to be on your day.. she is also her mother's child.. and If her mom will now have an option of having pictures the way she wants.. and you have pictures the way you want.. both of you got a set you like.. so .. what was the harm in her getting a set dressed as she preferred?
You are stepping on BM toes
BM wants control. Your visitation day fell on picture day. That doesn't give you the wright to dress SD the way you want. BM is BM. it's up to your SO to deal this this. No one told you to do what you are trying to do.
Eff BM
We opted out of school pictures because the quality was so poor and they were expensive. Either take her to Jcpenney or use your own camera, dress SD any way you like, and keep all the pictures to yourself. Frame one for display at your house.
I know you put time and
I know you put time and effort and feel totally betrayed, but this is an opportunity!
Don't do it again. Don't waste the money on school pictures. Hire a real photographer, take beautiful family pics (individuals of the kids too) and display those everywhere! Let BM have horrible school pictures and waste her money. DON'T split any packages. Just do better than her!
YOu and DH start looking for Jobs in places you want to live.
Move.
A long distance visitation schedule makes 100% of the visitation time with SD BM free. With a BM as maniplative as this, a long distance visitation schedule could be best for you, DH, the kid, and your blended family relationship.
Make those visitations very talk worthy so SD goes home and blathers incessently about her time with daddy and Stepmama.....
You and DH can focus on the things that matter. Modeling healthy adult relationships, experiences with SD, keeping SD grounded with the facts regarding crap that BM pulls, etc.....
The most contributory characteristic of our Unicorn blended family life was that my bride left SpermLand with SS right after HS and never moved back. We met at University when SS was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo. We never lived within 1200 miles of SpermLand. Likely you are the NCP side of the equation. That makes things tougher but still isolates BM from interfering in SD's visitation time with her father and with you.
Consider it.
I don't know Rags.. they have
I don't know Rags.. they have 50/50 with the mother.. It is generally in a child's best interest if they can have relationships with BOTH parents.. so moving would probably end up in dad losing custody time.. which I don't think would be what OP would want.
I get that OP is upset that BM tried to control something that occured on dad's time.. but I would have to also say that parents are full time parents.. even if they may not have full time custody. So, mom wanting her "school pictures" to have some reflection of how she wanted her child to appear.. isn't totally off base. Now.. DAD.. has a right to having pictures he wants too.. so if the child was dressed the way dad wanted fine.. but it sounds like the SM bought the outfit.. so maybe BM felt that SM was stepping on her maternal toes?
It sounds like the end result is pictures were taken in both outfits. If both parents can end up with pictures they like.. I am not sure that this is some hill worth dying on... prompting some nuclear option of moving their household.
It seems from the prior post that OP doesn't really approve of how BM parents.. but BM is the parent.. not her.. BM and her DH.. they are the two that have the biggest right to opinions.. and maybe OP needs to disengage and let her husband parent his child on his time and not go out of her way so much?
I suppose it will ultimately come down which pic is in the year
book.
Most likely BM's choice. If it is the Red dress, BM will invariably lose her mind.
Sadly, idiot adults make these things so painful. If the breeders would keep their noses and fingers out of the other parent's time with the kids, the dama would disipate to inconsequential levels.
We never had this kind of crap to deal with. SS was with us 24/7 except for Summer, Winter, and Spring visitations. If the SpermClan took them. We had to deal with PASing, manipulation, and theft of SS's stuff by the SpermClan, but never any administrivial nonsense like what he wore on picture day.
I could not imagine having to live my life and marriage dealing day in and day out with the SpermClan's idiocy if we had a 50/50 local CO set up.
SS does comment periodically that he would never want to live near SpermLand. He even has "forbidden" us from every moving to my DW's hometown or anywhere near her family. Since it is near Ground Zero of SpermClan operations. He does not want that drama for us or for himself.
She said her SD is 10.. I
She said her SD is 10.. I thought at that age.. pictures were pretty much done by the school as kind of a memento.. but that there wasn't an official "book".. and that the parents would get those sheets to pick pictures and packages.
IMHO the better solution would have been for BM to go get her own pictures taken.. but maybe the school route was cheaper?
I get the feeling that BM is more bothered by OP trying to "parent" her child.. and try to step into what BM sees as her role in a daughter's life. If I had gotten the wind of BM wanting to dress the kid up.. and it wasn't the father that bought the dress but the SM.. I would have, as a SM gone and returned the dress.. because "mom has it covered".. I think DH was "ok" with his wife buying a dress.. but did he really have interest or involvement in the look of the pictures etc? it sounds like he had his wife/OP doing it.. not himself.. as a parent.. in that case.. I can see BM being out of joint.
Disengage 100%. This will
Disengage 100%. This will save you emotionally and mentally in the long run. It took me a long time to accept it (BM was awarded 50/50 in 2018) but SD already has TWO parents. She is ultimately their responsibility. And she is a reflection of them & their parenting ways, not me.
It is HIGHLY unlikely that your 50/50 situation will ever change. BM is an active parent in SDs life and it will not be changing.
This is a case where you need to pick your battles.
This is a case where you need to pick your battles and perhaps consider BM's point of view. She knows that DH wasn't driving this, you were, and it upset her - which I can kind of understand. If you and DH want a professional picture of SD in a certain dress with a certain hairstyle, then get it done as a family. The picture will be much better than what is done for a school.
In my opinion
You should start to step back a few steps. Your SD is 10, and there is 50/50 custody with parents. BM will most likely always be present, demanding, and eventually, if you don't have a good opinion or relationship with BM, BM will start to teach SD you don't like her, and then...you'll have a defiant SD on your hands. These are small things, I get that you are annoyed by them. But there will be bigger fish to fry, and as someone who has been in this game for 11 years, I can share with you that a lot of these kids change in their teenage years, and not in ways where it's beneficial for SMs.
I feel for you!
I know many here will say disengage, and if you're at your wits end, then go ahead, but I didn't. Picture day was on visitation time with Dad. That means luck of the draw, your outfit will be worn. If Mom doesn't like it, SHE can go get professional pictures taken. It's a small thing that feels bigger because the child doesn't see the manipulation that's happening. BM should NOT have gone to the school to change her clothes and she knows it, but did it anyway to claim "her " territory. If you're looking for consolation, just know that apparently you make her so nuts, she can't even stand seeing clothes that you bought! She's just as ticked off as you!
I found we had to fight these little battles continuously. Because if we didn't, the kids would think that Mom's rules were the only rules, and Dad was a second class parent.
By the time the kids were 12 they could see the manipulation for what it was. We would ask them "Do you think it's fair that.....". Or " Would it be fair/appropriate if we did that?" And wherever possible we were reasonable and they quickly saw where she wasn't always. Teach critical thinking, fight the battles without stressing out SD, but teach awareness.
In the end, you can probably order the pictures from the first day, and she'll order from retake day. And honestly, you'll find no one cares years later. But check with your photographer to ensure that both shots can be used. If not, you may want to ask your husband to ensure yours are the ones the photographer keeps, or (as suggested by others), arrange a photo appointment at Walmart. They're cheaper, nicer, and you might even be able to pick out a fun background or have family pictures taken.
This is what sucks about
This is what sucks about stepparenting. Your partner often wants you to act "maternal" and will be hurt or upset if you aren't motherly enough. But, if you do "motherly" things, BM will make life hard.
I think 50/50 is fairest *to the parents*, but is hard on kids and hard on stepparents. You can disengage, realizing that your DH and BM are the parents, and let them make all decisions. But - often stepparents are expected to do some aspect of childcare, and it leaves you in the position of servant. It also creates a situation where you have little control over a big part of what goes on in your home.
That's the hardest part for me, and it's why i'm still not technically a stepparent. A big part of my identity is in my home and family. I think a lot of women are that way. Some people say "you may not be cut out to be a stepparent." I honestly don't know who is. Maybe someone whose identity is more based on their career, hobbies, friends, etc. Maybe someone whose DH has good boundaries and protects them from toxicity with ex and skids? Idk.
It's hard when you go all in and get burned for it. Take care of yourself and don't base your identity on your relationship with SD.
Thank you. I feel like I'm
Thank you. I feel like I'm losing myself. I am expected to be maternal. And I have tried to disengage but I've been bitten for it. I'm working full time and I also have a bd5 and bd1. I just wish it was easier. Thanks
But you are fighting
A BM. What ever her problem is, you can't cure . She, BM is always going to win the war. So be careful on picking your battles.
'BM most likely feels you are overstepping. As your the ex new DW and should have nothing to do with SD.
You also need to have a chat with DH
And tell him that acting maternal toward SD is actually quite UNnatural and should not be expected. No more than it would be for a random kid on the street. There is no blood relationship and BM does NOT want her kid to have two mothers. Read the book "Stepmonster" by Wednesday Martin.
Instead, focus on your own children. Any act of motherly kindness toward SD10 WILL be unappreciated and rejected.
Who is biting you for disengaging? Your husband? If so he needs to be corrected.
I think it's actually harder
I think it's actually harder to be maternal toward a skid than it is a kid on the street in some cases. A random kid doesn't have a mom spewing hatred for you into his ear and you don't have to deal with constant sabotage. These parents don't realize how they are screwing up their kids with their vitriol.
It is!
It is!
I posted this same sentiment a few blogs back.
I mentored kids in Juvenile detention and would much rather do this then help raise no-home training skids with ingrate conniving vindictive jealous petty bio parents
Most of the time, The kids in juvenile detention had parents/guardians who were actually thankful someone was stepping in to help and the kids were thankful someone was paying attention to them / spending time with them
Most Skids and their bio parents are entitled af
This is why I put bare ass
This is why I put bare ass minimal effort wasting my resources on skids with petty ass bio parents.
Many of These bio parents are going to be ingrates who expect/demand you use your resources to help them raise their kids but want to control every other aspect of diminishing your authority.
Nope!!!!
Let the bioparents do ALL the work and use their resources.
Save your time, money, and your curling irons for when skid turns 18 and you don't have to deal with a conniving unhinged meddling bio mom