Bf and SD drive me insane (long)
Hello,
So. My bf and I have been dating for about 3 years. He is the father to a little girl (age 9) who is not biologically his. He fathered his exs daughter. This is not an issue for me, if anything I respect this and his decision in being a father figure to her.
Since out three years of dating, we had our own baby. This is my first child.
Now, here is where my dilemma begins.
My SD's mother is very much involved in our lives. And by this I mean, her and my bf still remain close friends. And yes, that May seems fine. But, they still hold conversations that have nothing to do with their daughter. They talk about their day, work, and even as far as discussing their relationships wi the their partners (yes me/her partner).
When my SD comes over and it's time for her to get picked up, my bf invites her mom to come inside and visit with OUR baby. Every day.
Sometimes it's hard. I am not a mean person. I just feel uncomfortable with how much she's involved. Sometimes i don't want company over. And i don't feel it's necessary for her to have to come inside every chance she gets, i also don't agree with her appearing so much in MY baby's life.
i have discussed this with my bf and every time i do, he blows it up, gets defensive and insists i complain because I'm either trying to seclude him from the world, get in between him and their daughter, and he then goes onto say his ex is still a good friend of his.
another thing,
My SD, does not listen.
She comes over, and when she eats she leaves her trash, plate, cup/drink. She does not pick up after herself.
when she showers she leaves her clothes and panties laying on the floor. She does not flush the toilet. She leaves things laying around. She jumps around on the couches.
she completely avoids being instructed to pick up after herself. You can sit and say her name over and over and over until she finally pays attention. When you tell her to pick up after herself she says "okay" and it still takes her another 20 minutes to actually get to it. This after having to tell her, again.
the other day, my baby who is not crawling and trying to climb, climbed into the bottom of her tiny electric go-cart and was playing with her toy inside of it.
my SD was sitting on her bottom next to her pushing her feet up against the go-cart. I was sitting inches away on the couch as i was observing. I saw the go-cart wobble and i said to my SD "please be careful, the go cart is wobbling and the baby could fall" I KID YOU NOT, immediately after i said this, my SD placed her feet back on the go-cart and pushed it forward, and my child fell backwards on her head. I picked her up immediately and out of reaction I yelled "What did i just say!?" At my SD. And took my child into the other room. My bf who was not in the room when this happened heard it all and rushed passed me to my SD and I heard him ask her "It was an accident right?" And she responded "yes" so he came into the room where I was with my crying baby and the first thing he said was "You scared Emily!" (Emily is Alia's name for my SD). This angered me so bad!
i let my child play in the go cart because she usually does, and I have no issue with it if she's having fun, and no one's pushing it when she does play. So this really triggered me. If someone asks you to do not do something, and you still do.. is it an accident? I know her intentions were not to hurt my child but it's frustrating that she completely ignored me and it caused the baby to get hurt.
My bf and i argue often, he says Im ugly or rude to her. And that he knows I don't like her. He had told me that he does not consider me her step mom. So because of this i mind my own business and don't get involved. So it's difficult for me to live in the same house where she is allowed to do whatever the hell she wants and have no consequences. And it's even more difficult having to share my child with him and expose her to how he allows his daughter run around. If I'm not the step mom i have no say, and that isn't fair to me.
this has caused my mood to be completely altered when i know it's his day to get her because i fear the stress that comes with it.
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Comments
Deep problems
Both the BM and SD are problems but what would anger me most would be his relationship with BM. The bigger problem is him being so defensive. Ask him how he would like it if you talked to an ex all the time about personal matters, including your and his relationship. How he would like it if your ex came in the house all the time. But, frankly, I doubt if you are going to be able to get thru to him.
He doesn't sound like he's really moved beyond his relationship with BM, hasn't "done the work", established himself as a divorced man ready for a new relationship. In his mind, he probably thinks he's keeping things amicable. But it almost sounds like you're in a "Sister Wife" situation.
I would be very angry about this whole scenario. The SD is a whole different matter but there's no sense tackling that until you get the BM scenario straightened out
Would he go to counseling with you? I'm thinking he won't since he sees no problem, probably sees you as the problem. But, he's wrong, this is a bad scene.
Truly an annoying situation
I have asked in the past to see a counselor with me, he agreed then later changed his mind. At this point I'm ready to see one, whether it be with or without him.
His BM never gave me the time of day before I got pregnant. When my bf and I moved in together his BM would come by and drop their daughter off and she'd completely ignore me. Not even a word. It wasn't until after she found out i was pregnant and had the baby that she started acting super nice. Which she is, don't get me wrong. She is a very caring person, always asks if my daughter or I need anything, always says hi and speaks to me when we see each other. And she's overall a sweet person.. as far as I know. But it definitely makes me not trust her. For the simple fact that I ended up pregnant and had a baby that she started coming around.
I'm just uncomfortable and I need privacy in my home. You said it perfectly, i feel like I'm in a sister wife thing.
Ive told my bf, "How about, you go see y'all's daughter at HER place, while HER bf is there and see how that goes?" And he definitely doesn't take me serious. But it's true, how does her bf feel? He never comes around, he keep his distance. Why? Because clearly he knows it's weird. This situation has turned me into such an ugly person. So bad that it's made me not want any part of being a step parent or being amicable. And it's made me hate sharing MY daughter with them.
Yes, do go to counseling yourself
Counseling can change your life, it changed mine. I was ready to leave DH over 3 rambunctious SKs and a needy BM. I went to counseling as a last gasp because I hated to drag my 2 bios thru another divorce and move.
In your case, I'd go for your own sake and the baby's. You have a lot to figure out and having a trained, impartial person to help you will be a game changer.
Good luck.
I agree with JRI, you have to
I agree with JRI, you have to get the BM situation under control first. It doesn't matter that they want to "stay friends" for the sake of SD. These are people that once shared a life, sex, love. That would 100% make the new partner feel uncomfortable- ESPECIALLY that he talks about your relationship with her! That is a line that should never be crossed.
If he won't go to counseling you can try some things before you leave, but leaving shouldn't be off the table over this. His enmeshment is gross.
Those are examples I can think of now but it's all in how far you are willing to go to have basic respect in your relationship.
This is no way to live
The SM just doesn't come over and SM mother. It's up to your SO to pice what family he wants. You or SM. He can't have both. He may want one big Happy Family. But that not how life works. You are doing more then most. It would not be me.
Agree
Who does he want to live with - you or his ex? He can't have both. It's time he understood tht he can't have his cake and eat it. Be prepared to ditch this guy.
"Hey DH, I ran into an ex of
"Hey DH, I ran into an ex of mine at the grocery store today! Haven't seen him in ages! So, I invited him for dinner tomorrow. I reckon that as you have BM over all the time that you won't mind me inviting one of my exes from time to time."
Geez
Whats wrong with some people?! Your BF and ex just cant get enough of eachother, but its for their precious SD, right?. BARF Do not ever buy into that line if he uses it. Its too much for any partner to handle.
Obviously your BF is still emotionaly attached to his ex. He places pleasing her over you. So does the emotional connection lead to physical? Ya never know and it wouldnt be surprising either.
Is it worth the fight?
Nobody should be disrespected like the way you have been by your BF.
He doesnt see a problem with it. Bm doesnt see a problem with it. SD certainly doesnt either. That leaves YOU with the problem. You are the trouble maker in their enmeshed dysfunctional eyes.
You can do better.
Blessings
So much "nope" in this
So much "nope" in this situation. Your feelings are valid. Question - are you younger or from a different country? The way your husband is gaslighting you makes me think there is a power imbalance. You need a way to gain it back. Counseling, financial independence, and a strong social support system that is unrelated to him will help. Good luck. He is treating you like an accessory. A wife appliance.
Three years younger
I'm three years younger than my bf.
I am currently awaiting to start a new job, I figured I could at least make my own income to do things for my daughter and I, and gain some independence.
I signed up for this platform because I have no one to talk to or vent, or tell me im not a horrible person for feeling this way.
If I bring it up to my bf he says im a horrible person, and im just trying to distance him from his SD..
I just felt wrong and guilty.
In what way is he the father
In what way is he the father to your "SD"? is he legally obligated? or is he just staying in her life for some loyalty type reason? does the girl know that he is NOT her father?
I have a huge issue with your DH continuing to father a child and spending resources and time on a child that is not biologically his. I can see having some amount of contact.. at least for a short amount of time to give the child some closure.. but he does not need to continue to be her father.. he never was her real father.. and that's not typically how this all works. and above all BM shouldn't still have a close relationship.. if they get along that well... they should be together right?
I know it's complicated now that you have a baby.. but unless he is legally on the hook.. cutting this tie would be a hill to die on for me.
The more i read, the more
The more i read, the more this sounds like a guy with 2 girlfriends.
I just don't see it as
I just don't see it as healthy to tell a kid that someone that is not her parent.. is her parent.. there is a truth.. the child needs to understand it.. and 9 is old enough to understand that mommy is not dating this guy any more.. and she will see less of him.. that her relationship as a child was tied to her mom's.
This response made me feel better..
He is not her father. When her mom and my bf were dating, they took some time apart in which she got pregnant. Long story short, they ended up back together and according to him, he just considers her his daughter. There's more in depth detail to this story, but it doesn't really matter. And yes, the daughter knows who her "real dad" is and that my bf is just her "dad"... but I don't think she actually understands what that means..
Before I began dating him, I knew of this. Me being dumb and naive, never being in this type of situation I thought I'd be okay with it. I actually felt some type of respect for him taking on that kind of responsibility. After all, it's not the child's fault.
Now that I'm fully invested in this relationship with a child of our own. I am beyond lost in it. I've grown to hate the situation.
A big thing for me is that, my first child doesn't seem as special. When I first had my daughter, after any given thing he'd say things like "When (E) was a baby, we did this..." or "When (E) was a baby we gave her this..." or if I ever want to go anywhere, show my daughter things, experiences things with her for the first time, he tags his SD in and it becomes about her and not my daughter. It has made me feel that my experience as a first time mother has in a sense gone to waste. And it doesn't help that my daughter is still a baby and Im dealing with PPD.
My bf has no legal right to his SD, he just claims to be her father, has financial responsibility over her, does everything a dad would do for his child.
Her biological father is also in the picture. He isn't the best dad. He actually is a half-ass dad, but he still get on her on his weekends and attends most events if he can. This doesn't sit right with my bf, so in my eyes, he does the most for her in order to prove that he's a better father figure. Almost as a show off. But i keep that thought to myself.
Not to mention, her mother also has a bf that lives with them. And is also always at events and at cheer, VB practice, outtings, etc.
So this little girl has literally an entire village to watch after her. Makes me so uncomfortable at practices and games, when it's my bf, her biological father, and her new step dad all there to cheer her on. And her mother is just there in the middle. Both exes, and current man.
i just can't anymore.
Like I've mentioned, the mother basically ignored me before I had my daughter. It wasn't until I was far along in my pregnancy that she started acting nice toward me.
I feel that, she maybe felt threatened? Maybe she tries to be as involved as possible to avoid my bf excluding her daughter, or losing financial help and a free babysitter?
We have this little girl at our home almost ever other day. A lot of the time, we can't do or go anywhere because we have both girls. Her mother is out at bars every chance she gets away. She insists we keep her most of the time. And a lot of the time, they don't even ask me or run it by me? They just assume I'm free.
We're basically free babysitters, around the clock.
i feel like a horrible person for feeling this way. But the situation has trumped my relationship and my experience as a mother.
my bf is a great dad, but it's just not OUR experience.
Trust me, I have brought it up as a conversation, I have brought it up as an issue, and even an argument. I have told him to put a stop to inviting her inside the house, I have asked him to stop allowing her to see MY child any time she wants. I have asked that they stop talking about bs that has nothing to do with their kid.. I have told him, if that is too much to ask for, then all respect is lost and he needs to seek working things out with HER and being the family they so badly seem to want to be.
he gets triggered and defensive and says I'm stupid or that she has never disrespected me for me to feel this way, or that I'm just trying to separate him from his SD, and that he will never ever choose me over his SD (which I've never asked him to do) so yeah, he's an idiot. And clearly, so am i.
Get you and your baby far away from this gaslighting POS away
from his hell spawned failed family POS kid and away from the XW he is so enmesshed with as to be BFFs.
Save yourself and the baby before you waste your life on him and your own child has wallowed in that shallow and polluted gene pool too long for you to mitigate the negative effects on your baby.
smh
Go. Now.