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Am I expecting too much

Thisagain's picture

Submitted by Thisagain on Mon, 10/10/2022 - 2:00pm

Maybe it's me. 

Maybe I'm being too strick, maybe I'm too harsh, maybe I'm expecting too much.

Maybe I blow things out of proportion. Maybe I have an unrealistic idea of how someone should act and the things that should be expected of them.

Maybe they've pushed me over the edge and thats all I can do .  Steal from me, now I don't trust you around my stuff.  Lie to us, even if it's something stupid, now I don't trust what you say.  

Maybe I don't want you to be like all those shit people out there that mooch of if people and just mess their lives up because they don't care or don't like to be told what to do. Maybe I want you to be able to get a job and support yourself and not be a burden on someone else.  Maybe it's selfish starting out it would help me, but in the long run I'm trying to help 

 

But maybe I'm also just tired of being ignored, like I don't know what I'm talking about. I try to help make things better for no try just me, but for everyone, but I my words mean nothing.

 

 

Comments

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Mon, 10/10/2022 - 2:12pm

I will gently say that "they have a parent in the home.. it's not you".. I read your other post.. and honestly.. your situation is not ideal even without the skids.. you and your SO have some issues that are not completely under control for either of you.. the kids are just fallout of that.

but.. while you have a say in how your home life is.. and people should be civil.. respect your property.. their mother needs to parent them.. and she may not agree with your level of expectations.. that may be a non starter for your relationship.

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Mon, 10/10/2022 - 2:19pm

If you will not leave because you are afraid if the Big S, then distance yourself. No one can fault you for having healthy boundaries.

Thisagain's picture

Submitted by Thisagain on Mon, 10/10/2022 - 5:02pm

I do distance myself. I speak only when spoken to.  I don't directly parent them.  I mention, or ask questions to my girlfriend and let her do what she wants.  I don't do anything dealing with them.  

lieutenant_dad's picture

Submitted by lieutenant_dad on Mon, 10/10/2022 - 3:08pm

Trying to help isn't the same as actually helping. People get stuck in loops where they THINK what they are doing is "for the best" but reality is that they are ill-equipped to provide that level of help and end up enabling instead of helping.

You have mental health issues that aren't well controlled. That means you are in ZERO position to help someone else try to stabilize themself. You don't have the spoons to do it, and any little bit you toss out is really just putting a bandaid on a bullet wound. YOU can't get someone out of their own head. You can support someone else's efforts to do it, but you can't do it for them. And you really can't do it at your own expense.

Additionally, your expectations MIGHT be too high. Why? Because your mental health state pushes you to grasp onto anything you think you can control. That's not to say that having standards is wrong or that your GF's children wouldn't benefit from more structure and parenting. What I am saying, though, is every little thing will be a problem so long as everyone is spiraling mentally.

You're on a sinking ship in the middle of the ocean using a bucket to try and keep the water out. But as you're dumping water out, everyone else is either sitting around with a thumb up their bum or they're actively drilling holes into the side of the ship. You said you don't want to give up, but not really sure what you're holding on to. Continued mental health degradation? Poor financial security? Disrespect, lying, and stealing? Any one of those alone is enough to say "this isn't healthy for me". Together, this is an awful situation for you.

Thisagain's picture

Submitted by Thisagain on Mon, 10/10/2022 - 5:19pm

I understand what you're saying. Sort of felt like a dig on me, but that's probably just me.  So, me giving input isn't helping, so I must be ill equipt at working on family problems?  I'm making things worse?  I know a lot of therapists I could say the same thing, but they aren't Ill equipt to give advice on everything else.

I'm not sure why my mental health makes me not able to help someone.

 

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Tue, 10/11/2022 - 5:09pm

While you efforts are honorable, you can't fix this for them and in trying, you are doing yourself no favors. In fact, you are doing yourself harm.

Therapy and fixing these types of issues is not an easy button process. It is difficult, it takes time, and even if effective initiatlly, to remain effective it takes a lifetime commitment to maintain the improvement investment.

My DW and I have a 28 and still going marriage.  This is my second.  I would not be able to be the best me I can be, nor could I be the DH that my DH has earned if I had not engaged with a therapist during the demise of my first marriage and for many months after. That process aided me in getting back to being the me I like being and being a man that can be an equity life partner to an amazing partner.  My DW has sought support from a therapist as well.  We have worked together, actually worked, to align our lives and to make a life together. My XW had no interest in making any effort.  Your SO, by their actions, has no interest in making an effort.

Give yourself a chance by investing in yourself with this unfolding heartbreak behind you.

IMHO of course.