Running out of steam
Like the title says I'm running out of steam. My depression is is never ending and I have no idea what feelings come from that and what comes from actually being unhappy with my relationship.
I just, I don't know what to do. I get this feeling like there's no going back to when we first got together. Our days that we aren't at work, we spend watching tv. There's not much else to do other than going to a store. We don't go places anymore, no drives to another city, no eating, nothing. It's turned into this situation where I'm almost positive she says no to whatever I ask to do because it didn't come from her, but then if it's switched, I'm expected to do it or she gets upset. So if I ask and she says no, then next time she asks I say no. It's childish but it doesn't do anything to complain so things like that are the only thing I can control.
I know I have a lot she can complain about and I know she isn't as happy as she says she is. Our mental illnesses fight against each other. I'm a shit person and I don't have that much to offer so I'm not sure why she even wants me to stay. And I've noticed that her daughter only comes down to talk with her mom when I'm in another room or not at the house, which makes me feel more worse.
How do I end it? Should I end it? What do I say? I've never had to do this. I'm worried about her and I'm worried about how my brain will respond knowing she won't be there anymore. I don't know if I can do it, my supports are limited and it scares me.
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Do you have a therapist yet?
I was reading your "What should be the plan then" blog from last year and cant add to the wise responses you got then. Do you have a therapist yet? That would be a great support for you.
I am also curious if you are
I am also curious if you are seeking any therapy. From your post, there seems to be little reason to want to stay.
A good therapist will be your
A good therapist will be your first step.
Aside from that, you know you need to make changes. So what changes are you willing to make?
This weekend, instead of sitting on the couch and watching TV, find a festival. It's spring, there is always something going on. GO! Invite her. If she says no, simply say that you are going anyway and hopes she has a good day. Leave. Go have fun. Walk around, enjoy the sun and get out of the house.
Find things that you like to do and miss doing. Is it a bowling league? Exercise? Corn hole! Whatever it is that you enjoy, find a group. Meetup.com is awesome for groups. There are groups for people who like movies, food, motorcycles, biking, hiking- you name it, there is a group. My husband is in the military, we move, new city= new group time for me!
2 broken people don't make each other whole, you need to find what is bringing you down and work on YOU. Once you do some of your healing you can decide if this relationship is good for you or not. Maybe your motivation will help her as well?
Yes, you sound depressed, but
Yes, you sound depressed, but you also sound like you have some codependent leanings.
All you do is sit around and watch TV? That is your choice. I understand you're battling mental health issues, but it's time to make YOU your own priority. Stop worrying about her. Find your own happiness through activities, hobbies or volunteerism. When you make your happiness your main priority, you will exude that happiness which will draw people to you. Sometimes the weight of being responsible for someone else's happiness is crushing, and maybe, just maybe, she's is being dragged down by that weight.
It never hurts to invest in yourself and become a happier, healthier person.
So.... don't ask. Tell.
Inform her that you are going... on a drive, for a weekend, out to a nice restaurant and that you have reservations for you both and that you expect her to accompany you.
If she refuses, you have your answer. If she engages, you also have an answer. Though a better one.
Keep it simple. Do not stew in this. Make something happen either way.
In my first marriage by XW was nearly entirely frigid from an intimacy perspecting. At least within the marriage. So... I initiated.... every night. She had to turn me down... every night.
As the relationship degraded I attempted to engage to figure out the issues to work on fixing them. Any engagement I maid was answered with "I don't know."
What is wrong? I don't know.
Are are you happy? I don't know.
Are you angry? I don't know
Etc.......
Then.
Do you want a divorce? I don't know.
That gave me something to work with. I engaged a marriage therapist and for 5mos we had weekly sessions. Things got better, though no sex.
Then we went to the last marriage therapy session. After 5mos of disecting her, me, her relationship with her family, my family relationships dynamics, etc..... the Doc said.... "Now we will adress the intimacy issues."
My XW stood up, proclaimed "I do not have a problem with sex." and walked out. She never returned to therapy.
3mos later she moved out of our recently purchased home and moved in with her Geriatric Fortune 500 Executive sugar/baby daddy. She was knocked up by Granpa Sugar/Baby daddy. Though I did not know it at the time.
A couple of months later she asked me to meet her for lunch to discuss some divorce terms. When she saw me at the restaurant she burst into tears and told me she had miscarried a pregnancy. I probably could have been more magnanimous in my respose but at that point, I had no give a shit left. The baby was not mine. We had not been intimate in more than 8mos if not longer.
I have zero regrets regarding the demise of that marriage to an adulterous skank whore. Though at the time, I would have been better served to have forced action sooner.
Don't wait. Put the onus on her to get in the car and accompany you, or, cut your loses and do not torture yourself any longer.
IMHO and experience of course.
Good luck.
Take care of you.