What should be plan be then?
So my take away is that, I shouldn't be here and Im possibly making things worse so that's nice to hear. My mental illness apparently makes me not suitable to help people, or deal with family issues and I should not be giving advice.
So what should my plan and steps be to do next? How can I get myself out before I cause more problems?
When they get kicked out on the street because they can't pay rent, how do deal with that
If she kills herself, how do I get past that know I did something that lead to that.
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Whoa whoa whoa. Let's back up
Whoa whoa whoa. Let's back up.
I suffer from anxiety. Like, have anxiety attacks, manifests as hypochondria, etc. My mom is bipolar. My sister has depression.
We all can help one another in certain ways. But want to know what I CAN'T help my mom or sister with? Anything that makes my anxiety worse. If I sacrifice my mental health in order to make them better, other things in my life start falling apart. Then I have to rely on them or other people to help me out because I am in a position where I can't help myself.
It sounds like both you and your GF suffer from depression, to the point for her she has suicidal ideations. I also assume, based on her past, she suffers from PTSD. What your GF needs is a therapist and a psychiatrist.
Is she seeing a therapist? Taking meds? Working her therapy? Exercising? Eating healthy? Avoiding substance use, including alcohol and cigarettes? Reading any self-help books? Working a job that supports her mental health? Pushing her kids to be independent and not relying on her emotionally/financially?
If not, then what you CAN do is push her to get those things in order. If she threatens to kill herself, you call 911 and get her to a hospital. If she gets drunk or high, you take the drugs away from her and take her to the hospital if she needs medical help.
What you CAN'T do - for your own health and safety - is try to act as the professional who prevents her from hurting herself and others outside calling professionals for help. If leaving her causes her to threaten suicide, that is a MAJOR red flag that she isn't stable and needs way more support than you can solely offer.
Additionally, if she refuses to do these things, you need to step back and start doing it for yourself. YOU need to talk to a therapist to figure out where the line is between help and hindrance. YOU need to make sure that you are able to work and keep a roof over you head and not end up in crisis.
If this relationship won't facilitate you being mentally well, then it's toxic. Point blank. It's no better than being in a physically abusive relationship. I'm not saying your GF is intentionally trying to hurt you, but that doesn't mean it's happy and healthy, either. Better than awful can still be bad.
Lt Dad said it really well.
Lt Dad said it really well.
In addition, your state may have some resources that can help your GF in terms of economic services, health/mental health services, housing services. It may be helpful to help her get some services that can help stablize her life and improve her well being so you don't have that weighing on you.
That's all I feel like I've
That's all I feel like I've been trying to do. For the last few years, I've been trying to help her get her finances straight so she's not completely in debt. Working on getting her to consistently parent so if I leave she's not stuck with all these problems they bring and so she stands up so they aren't walking all over her. Working on keeping her taking her meds and telling the truth in therapy.
And where has it gotten YOU
And where has it gotten YOU in the last few years? Because it sounds like you're frustrated, exhausted, and lost as to how to proceed.
Finances straight = Google a list of financial counselors/programs she can contact to help her consolidate debt and set up a budget.
Consistent parenting = Google some books/programs that she can follow that would help her make decisions for her kids, then support her decisions when she instills new rules
Taking her meds = buying her a pill organizer and helping her fill it weekly so she knows which meds to take and which day, or helping her set reminders in her phone
Not lying in therapy = not a lot you can do there
You can help provide the tools, but she has to use them. That's the line. Help her problem solve a solution, but then she needs to take the step to enact the solution.
a wise person told me once,
a wise person told me once, as I tried and tried to fix a person who wouldn't admit they were broken, that you cannot help a person who doesn't think anything's wrong.
Ask yourself if the loss of your own mental stamina is worth losing so you can help someone who doesn't want to help you help them. She might want you to do all, cover all, fix all but she doesn't seem to want to actually do that work herself.
Please help yourself first. You can't let someone else drain you emotionally and mentally, as well as financially, and have them absorb it like a sponge while doing nothing for fixing her life herself.
I knew it was time to go when my gut told me it was. I reached my limit. What is your gut saying? Where is your limit? Who is helping your cope? Is she? Why not?
Also.. please don't fall
Also.. please don't fall victim to the sunk cost fallacy.. that you have put so much effort into the relationship.. and making her a better person.. that you can't "afford" to throw it away. If she is still an ongoing drain and not making true progress in the areas you have been "helping".. it may be that you have ended up overcompensating.. she has learned to just rely on you to tell her what to do.. how to fix things.. and that's just not working out for her if she is still strugggling with her finances years into your help.
It seems like she may also be a perpetual victim.. so it's not her fault that her finances are still a mess.. she needed this.. that.. had to buy her kids.. needed the pick me up that shopping trip gave her.. etc.. etc.. etc..
At this point.. she probably needs real credit and financial counseling.. from a reputable expert if your help hasn't reaped long term benefits for her so far.
OK
So - SD23 Feral Forger would threaten suicide all the time, from what I was told. Toxic Troll took her to the hospital. Ok, so theres always that, but then you are also feeling responsible for her children as well.
I agree with Lt D...get her on a healthy track. But you need to focus on getting YOU on a healthy track also.
My mom is a dog hoarder
She has literally 30 yorkies. She lets them all pee in the house on pee pads cause she doesn't want to let them outside probably because 1) the noise would alart people to how many she has and 2) hawks,maybe? IDK. She had hired a contractor some time back to enclose the porch and paid him in advance. He was almost done but not quite when he died of a heart attack and so there is one outside wall missing and just some insulation on the inside wall up against the house. Apparently rats have been getting in the house. At least 8. THe yorkies have been killing them and put one in the bed. Also her toilet broke (she still has another one.) She told me she was feeling overwhelmed. I went over there Wednesday with a repairman and got the two washers fixed. I said my next day off was Friday and I had to get the parts and we had plans for me to fix the toilet Friday and measure for wood and supplies to finish the porch.
So I work night shift. I get off at 0500 am and I go to sleep and wake up to barrage of phone calls and text messages. My mother went on facebook and wrote, "I'm not ok. I shouldn't be by myself right now." and then wouldn't answer anyones messages or calls. SOmeone called the police. She wouldn't let them either. She wouldn't answer the door to me or my calls but did tell the officer on the phone that she was ok but just depressed. I got lots of guilt from people about how lonely my mom is, etc, etc, etc. Well she can't go anywhere or do anything cause she has 30 damn dogs. My brother apparently came to town with his kids and didn't tell her and she saw it on fb and it hurt her feels. I got bit my two dogs while fixing the toilet. The noise and the smell is not fun. Of course he doesn't want to bring his kids over there. She let me in Saturday and I fixed the toilet and she was acting completely normal. Do I have a mother problem? Absolutely. Is it going to spiral ? Probably.
There is only so much I can control however. I work over 40 hours a week. I have four children. She won't get rid of the dogs. She last went on facebook and did the same damn thing back in August. We only control ourselves. WE do what we can do when we can do it and only what we mentally and physically can handle. I definitely get how you are feeling as I'm there with you. My moms mental health problems are causing me problems! But if my mom does the unthinkable.... well that is on her. She's been pulling these kind of stunts my whole life and I tell you what. I'm going to do whatever it takes so that I am mentally healthy and physically well so I don't pull this crap on my own children.
I have suffered from
I have suffered from crippling anxiety. I have gotten better over the years, but PTSD from an abusive relationship did a number on me.
This was never my husbands job to fix. It was never his responsibility to make sure my kids had a roof over their head. It was never his job to do any of the work to raise my kids.
Yes, mental illness sucks. Yes, it can make it feel impossible to get out of bed and do what you need to in order to live. However, those are all her problems. NOT YOURS. You can't take on her responsibilities as a parent. You can't save her from herself.
2 half people don't make eachother whole. You both have some serious shit to work through but being together isn't helping. If she can't handle her kids, they can live with their dad, or grandparents, or other family. She can get herself checked in somewhere so that she can get on the right meds to be able to cope in the world. You can move on and start your life over again. Work on yourself.
I promise, as hard as this is right now, it will get better.
It's not so much that you
It's not so much that you need to "leave because you are causing problems".. but you may need to leave because this is not a healthy environment for you. Your GF and her kids did not get to where they were overnight.. they have been living with long term dysfunction.. and as much as you WANT to help her.. there are some people that are just black holes of need.. Her kids, her finances, her body.. her mental health.. have all become a priority for you to "work on." When while it's admirable to want to be supportive.. and sure.. you can obv see her lack of parenting has hurt her kids.. It doesn't seem like these people are as invested in their own recovery as you are.. We say here.. "you can't care more than the bio parent".. and the fact that her kids apparently have no boundaries.. is NOT a situation you created.. and unlikely that your well meaning advice can fix for them.
So the black hole of needs.. financial.. emotional.. time.. continue.. along with a healthy helping of selfish blackmail when she threatens to kill herself if you leave.
Because, if that is what you decide to do.. what she does is NOT your responsibility. If she goes there.. that is something fundamentally broken in HER and there is nothing you can ultimately do to save her.. do you really think it would be fair to sacrifice your mental health and life because she won't get herself committed to therapy.. and own the process for herself?
It sounds like everyone in the home needs to be participating in some intensive therapy.. individually and if you decide to stay.. as a couple and potentially as a family with her kids..
Because... while you are working your butt off.. do you see results? If you truly saw improvement.. you wouldn't be here.. so it does bear out that either they are so beyond your ability to help.. or don't want to improve.. or your help is not as helpful as you think. We can't judge that here.. at least not guess at it without more details of the day to day dynamic.. but from your post.. you appear at the end of your rope.. these people have used up every ounce of your reserve.. and like LT dad said.. it is kind of like you diligently dipping water out of a sinking boat.. while the other occupants drill holes. It's not that dipping out the water is wrong.. but you have people actively working against you.. and it's wearing you down and out.
"...there are some people
"...there are some people that are just black holes of need..."
YES. THIS. 100%!
My sister has depression and likely OCD (she is working with a new therapist on that piece). Those two things make her life exceptionally more difficult. She partner has the kind of depression that is difficult to treat with medication, along with PTSD from some really bad stuff that happened in their childhood.
My sister and her partner bonded partly over their shared mental health issues and diagnoses. They understand one another and their limitations. They take steps to support one another on bad days.
BUT, they are coming to a point where my sister is pushing ahead beyond her diagnosis to be a better functioning adult while her partner is dragging their feet and whining about having to do the work. My sister makes sure that the bills she is responsible for are paid on time. Her partner? They nearly let the electric get shut off because they lacked the money to pay it. So in swoops my sister to pay the bill plus the fees, not just because her partner couldn't pay it (the smaller issue here) but also because they could be evicted because of it. Now my sister is out hundreds of dollars all because ther partner couldn't/wouldn't speak up about it when the bill was due.
Now my sister is in a situation where she may need to take over more household bills. My sister is already working full time in a professional job and going to grad school. Her partner works part-time at a mentally unstreasful job and goes to school for minimum full-time in undergrad. Based on the conversations I've had with my sister and knowing how she is reacting, she cannot take on another responsibility of her partner. The partner has already unloaded most of the bills, chores, pet responsibilities, and even driving because they haven't figured out how to adult. But my sister loves her partner so she takes it on - then breaks down and calls me when she is overwhelmed.
I like them partner as a person. They are very kind and nice. Wouldn't hurt a fly. But they are in ZERO position to be in a relationship. They don't have the skills to do it. They are a black hole of need currently, and they've found someone willing to let that black hole open further and further, and accept excuse after excuse. And I don't have the capacity to let my sister unload part of her burden onto me. I will give her direction and advice on where to go to help the situation, but I'm not going to do it for her.
OP - I'm not saying your GF is some awful person out here trying to hurt you maliciously. But she sounds like someone who got into her first good relationship without working on getting herself into a good place then used you as a crutch to do the bare minimum. And the only reason it sounds like she has done the bare minimum is because you push her to do it. And when you are at a breaking point where you want to leave, she falls apart and threatens to end herself because she can't/won't/doesn't know how to do the work.
You can 100% devote your life to her, but you have to come to terms with what you see around you. If she hasn't improved despite pushing, prodding, and paying her way, then she's actively choosing not to try. Yes, mental health issues make it harder but they aren't a blanket excuse as to why someone can't do something. They may not be able to do something in a neurotypical or "normal" way, but that doesn't mean it can't be done. And if they can't find a way to do it, even with the help of friends or family, then they need more intensive help than what can be provided.
There is no magical advice here that fixes the problems where the kids start acting appropriately and her mental health comes under control and you're able to just enjoy it all while keeping your own mental health in check. It takes *everyone* working through their own problems, having their own responsibilities, and owning their own behaviors before making progress. It doesn't sound like everyone in your situation is doing that.
At some point she has to help herself.
You cannot sacrifice yourself for their issues. Please do not destroy yourself by continuing to be the sacrifice on the alter of SParental martyrdom to your GF and her faily issues.
Take care of you.
And... of course this is the place for you, if you want to be here. We have countless centuries of SParenting and blended family experience within the STalker community, including a number of members who have anciety, etc... conditions that they havigate as they navigate their blended family adventures.
Again... take care of you. You matter. In fact you matter more than she/they do.
What do I do?
I completely understand and mostly agree with everything. I know it's not good situation for either of us. I have wanted to get out before. The only time I ever feel like I have the motivation to end things is when I get really mad and frustrated.
How do I get myself to a point where I can do it. What's the process ? How do I accept what happens after. I don't want to go back to feeling like I did before when I was alone after my last relationship. Falling into a bottomless hole of my neverending depression.
I don't know how to climb the wall, I don't have friends to support me or to distract me, and I only have a few family. Im stuck
Do you have a therapist? If
Do you have a therapist? If not, start there. Call your insurance company to inquire about available locations. If that isn't an option, Psychology Today's website has a search feature to find a therapist near you. I've heard mixed things about BetterHelp.com, but folks who like it seem to really like it.
Are you currently on antidepressants? If not, make an appointment with your doctor to get started on some. If you are taking them, are they working? If not, ask for an adjustment. Also tell your doctor about the anxiety you're feeling in regards to leaving this relationship and why.
Take those two steps first to start getting yourself out of the hole. Also start taking steps back from your GF's care. I provided a list of ways you can help: help her organize her meds at the start of the week, drive her to therapy and wait for her, Google some parenting websites or books. But don't invest beyond that. Don't ask if she was honest with her therapist. Don't check to see if she is taking her pills daily. Don't look and see if she has visited the parenting websites. Give her the tools then let her decide how/if she will use them. If she doesn't, you just have to stop yourself from doing/saying anything about it.
Also, look up disengagement. Embrace it for both your partner and her kids. Not your circus, not your monkeys. You are not a knight in shining armor. You are not Jesus reincarnated. You are a human being with your own limitations and you have to start living within those limitations. That's not a failing on your part because we ALL have those limits.