Told DH flat out truth last night
Last night I had a talk with DH. We were going to follow our family therapist to her new employer - but their front desk team was so wierd and combative, that we decided to find a new family therapist. (SD18 has weird anger, depression, and mood swings and can't hold a job. She is making plans to "land" at our house forever, and I can't abide this.
So, it has been 2 weeks and still no effort on DH's part to find a new therapist, so I told him how I felt about that.
I told him his SD18 is mentally ill, can't hold a job, can't get her drivers license due to "anxiety" and is making plans to move in with either her BM or us for the rest of her life. I told him our marriage cannot survive this. He said he refuses to "put her out of the street."
I gave him my rules. If these rules are not followed, he and I will be over.
1. If SD18 wants to move in with us full time, she will need to pay rent and have a full time job.
2. The rent money she pays will go into an account and be saved for her, so she will have money to afford an apartment when it is time for her to leave.
3. If she can't keep a full time job, she needs to take ownership of her own health (since she refuses to talk to us about it or let us help.) She needs to seek therapy, medication, or whatever will keep her sane and employed.
4. If he wants to help SD financially, and this impacts our ability to pay the mortgage, then he will be getting a second job to support her, and moving out with her. I will not lose our home because of her.
5. If SD18's mood swings or lack of cleanliness cause extreme stress to our marriage, she will be evicted.
6. If SD18's doesn't pay rent, she will be evicted.
7. He can have his moral obligation (which he clings tightly to) to support his daughter's disfunction no matter what she does, but I never agreed to this. This is a dealbreaker and I will not tolerate him failing our marriage to enable his dysfunctional relationship with his daughter.
So, (deep breath) I laid it bare. I was calm. I didn't let him blame me for being "too hard, or mean."He got sullen and quiet. He actually looked scared, which tells me he believes me and is scared I will leave him. He said he will think about this. I feel such relief, not because of him, but because I made a promise to myself that I will not accept his excuses anymore, or worry that his inability to say NO to her will ruin my life and eventually, my retirement.
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Comments
Sounds like reasonable
Sounds like reasonable conditions to me.
When is he going to understand that getting his daughter a proper evaluation could be a game changer for all concerned? Once you know exactly what you're dealing with you can help her find the tools to cope with her issues. Until then, the doctors can only treat the individual symptoms and not the whole picture. Her life could turn around if he would only realize that an evaluation could only help her on her life's journey.
We Simply MUST Stand Up For Ourselves
Reading your post made me smile. You are taking a stand to protect your home, your life and most important, your emotional health. I put up with BS for over 12 years to the point it almost killed me. Two years of hell being "sick" and two years to get back to a good place. Kudos to you for seeing clearly, setting expectations and consquences should those rules not be followed.
These damn guilt ridden men. Can't see how good they have it with their new partners. SMH
Best to you. You deserve it.
So proud of you
I bet that felt good. Please stick with it. Everyone feels depressed and anxious, but most of us don't have the luxury of wallowing in it. We build resiliency by overcoming our challenges. Fortitude is an essential life skill.
Thank you
Thank you everyone. I really appreciate the support I get here. For me, I think I was ( and am) so scared of losing DH and our life together, that I put up with it for too long.
Now, SD is 18 and nothing has changed, and she is set in her ways and doesn't have to do anything we say because she is an "adult."
DH's lollygagging around has created this situation, as well as biomoms narcissism and selfishness. NOT MY PROBLEM. Now they can run around like idiots trying to figure out. I am DONE.
SD is "an adult"
She can't have it both ways. Adult privileges come with adult responsibilities. Aka getting a job, taking responsibility for one's emotional and physical health, moving out of the nest, etc.
6. If SD18's doesn't pay rent
6. If SD18's doesn't pay rent, she will be evicted.
PLEASE write up a simple yet specific, legal binding contract ie rental agreement. IF you do not, she will be given squatters rights simply by living there. It will be expensive to take her to court THEN evict.
No contract, no signature NO entry.
PROTECT yourself.
I am a big fan of this idea
I am a big fan of this idea for grown kids who think they are entitled to stay forever for nothing. You can make it a learning situation with real world terms like cleanliness, noise, and shared space requirements. Any lease for an apartment will have the same, it's not just about money and time, but parameters of living amongst people.
It's crunch time
It's crunch time, Shieldmaiden. These guilty dads have tough choices. I wish I'd drawn the line earlier. Hoping for your best possible outcome.
Another vote
For a written rental agreement.
There are social services.
I suggest you and DH begin looking into getting her diagnosed disabled, on subsidized housing and SSDI. Start now to save your sanity later. If she's that big a basket case she will need it and it's available for "handicapped adults" this alone might be a wake up call for your DH and his precious.
Brava! You drew your line in
Brava! You drew your line in the sand - now be sure to keep putting money aside as part of your hope-I-don't-need-it exit strategy.
It's hard to see so many young people screwed up by weak parenting, and the loss of potential is sobering. But at the end of the day, we have to take care of our selves.
Not going tog get SSDI
Until a medical / MD. Give a diagnosed that she is disabled. And does the paperwork
I told DH this...
I told DH, during that same conversation, that if she is truly unable to work- that he should get her diagnosed as handicapped and get her some government aid. He was soo offended! HIS DAUGHTER? HANDICAPPED? How dare I even suggest she is flawed!
She came over last night and he had a "talk with her" about being more forthcoming with what is going on with her life. He asked if she decided to quit her job or did she finish it out? She said "I am not ready to talk about that yet." She stuck her nose in the air and left the room as soon as she could. He was not happy.
Well done you, I hope you
Well done you, I hope you inspire a lot of other people on this site to stand up to the partners who fail to address the issues with the skids and sacrifice their marriage doing so!