SD 18 has stopped any vestige of respect now that she is in another state.
Hi all,
I have been gone for awhile because everything was going ok now that my 3 SD's (18, 21, 23 ) are now all living with BM. SD23 is living in a trailer in the driveway - I totally called that one in 2018! But now its time for overchiever SD18 and her emotional support sister, 21, to go to college. Who pays for that? Well, we managed to split as18's 3 ways with BM and SD. SD21 had the fortitude to call and politely ask her dad for 1/3 of her tuition (community college) which we agreed to.
SD18 went to a state college and left a week ago to get settled in her dorms. Her dad specifically spoke with her in person to tell her that her contribution to college is dependent on her grades, which need to be C or better. He also told her she needs to be available in the evenings twice a week when he calls to check how things are going. This is due to her severe anxiety and inability to say no to peer pressure.
Well, SD has ignored his calls since she left. She barely texts. Last night her response by text (after ignoring his calls) is "Bruh. Calm down." She talks like this when she is trying to impress her friends.
My dilemma is, after disegaging for years, I am furious at her bratty behavior and I want to send her a text telling her she needs to apologize to her father for her unacceptable and disrespectful behavior this week, or her funding may be late next semester or nonexistent. I am not going to allow this BS after years of DH standing up to her.
I am going to talk to DH today to see how he wants to proceed, since he didn't light her up when this happened, but is angry.
We have to pay due to continued child support but I'm thinking we could delay it and make her scramble for tuition herself up front, so that she understands that its not a given if she is disrespectful and doesn't do what she promised ( as far as communication with her dad.)
I am pretty angry right now so I am going to calm down and talk with DH. He has a friend in that city and state that he can send over to her dorm to knock on the door and her a phone so she will talk to her dad. That also might impress upon her that she is not out of reach and her behavior still matters.
What do you think? Have I lost my mind? Should I just cancel Thanksgiving and leave it at that? I am so done with her bratty highnesses antics.
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What can or can't he do
What can or can't he do regarding paying her tuition.. is it really subject to her making a certain grade? or is it just flat required.. even if she is not passing all her classes?
If he has to pay one way or another.. making threats when he can't follow through could be more harmful than not.
AND... despite the fact that she is being dismissive in her texts.. what is the ultimate goal.. if he puts some "up front" pressure on her to come up with tuition that he will reimburse.. will that make her possible drop out.. and if so.. is THAT the lesser of evils really? Isn't he generally better off (you too) if she gets a degree and possibly a better more life sustaining job?
I'm sure some of this is due to her being caught up in her new "independence" at school.. and not sure how far the school is.. but maybe saying something like.
Bruh... I'm actually concerned because you have been dodging my calls.. Im thinking an in person meeting might be necessary.. if you want to avoid that.. I suggest you stick to our agreed upon check ins.
I also might see if there are
I also might see if there are different times that might be easier (less socially active for her).. for them to talk.. maybe in the afternoon.. or between classes or in the AM?
We tried that
We tried that. She makes excuses and says she is hanging with friends or at a movie or out to lunch or dinner --- every day, every second of the day. Its a ploy to make him feel unimportant. Her mom does this too. Pure manipulation, which is why its so infuriating when we are paying for her school.
At this point, we may not care if she drops out.
She may drop out anyway. Her grades have to be C or better - that was our stipulation to agree to pay continuing support to her. That's documented.
What these kids need is a reality check. They've never had to live on their own, or earn their own keep, or clean their own rooms ( thanks to BM). Their dad started standing up to them a few years ago and taking a hard line, because they don't respond to anything less. I think we are just about ready to wash our hands of them if they screw this up. Done. Finito.
So, the time for gentle reminders has long passed in our relationship with the SD's. They know better, they choose to do this and there needs to be consequences. Not seeing their dad doesn't seem to be a threat to them, so money is the next best way to get their attention. BM of course, will like step in and pay for them, but at least it will be her problem to deal with, since she created the little monsters.
Well.. either she will get
Well.. either she will get the "C" or she won't. It's unlikely a couple of phone calls will make any huge difference.
He probably should send her a text and tell her he is her father.. not "bruh" and that he expects her to address him as such.
Still.. it's only been a week right? maybe she will come around if he continues to work at communcating with her.
My DH has a stipulation that
My DH has a stipulation that he will fund this first year of college at 50% of the tuition, but YSD must keep in reasonable contact with him; i.e. if he has a question then she should respond appropriately within a resonable amount of time. He's not holding her to any specific amount of contact but if he wants to check in she should accomdate that within her schedule. If she ignores him and he never hears from her, when she's back in December for Xmas (she will be coming here for a couple days) he will have that $ discussion with her. It's a lot of money, and some respect should occur in both directions.
I remember my parents (mostly my mother) freaking out that they couldn't get a hold of me whenever they wanted to. This was before cell phones of course, so they would call my dorm room, and interrogate my roomie - who didn't always know where I was. I had As and Bs, studied a lot, had a part-time job with a full time load. And STILL they wouldn't let me alone. I basically figured out if I called them once a week to very week and a half it was a draw. I was also absolutely asserting my independence, but also understood they were paying for it and I needed to respect that too.
We had a central landline on
We had a central landline on each floor of our living quarters my first year of College.. I remember waiting by the phone for my parents to call on my 18th birthday.. and they never did.. I was a bit crushed.. but my mom said she figured I would be out with my friends..
both of my sons went silent
both of my sons went silent on me at the begining of their college years. The excitement, the planned events for freshmen, the thrill of new people, fresh start, etc. I'd hold off a bit before giving up. Give adjustment time, she's enjoying freedom and will settle in by next semester.
Does he have to pay
Divorce agreement? He the father ? If she keeps up her grades and is doing the work. She a kid and that's ok. DH must realize he not getting his a$$ kissed .
she lied
She sat at our kitchen table the day before she left and promised her dad 2 phone calls a week and 2 video calls a month - because she was freaking out and wasn't sure she could handle it. He wanted to make sure she didn't become an overnight alchoholic or let her friends talk her into being human trafficked - because she is a people pleaser and will do anything to fit in.
So she lied. She is a liar. HE is not getting his ass kissed, which is a ludicrous thing to say on this site. But anyway, we are going radio silent until she calls freaking out and then it will be her emergency, not ours. You get what you give. Life lesson # 298.
BTW. Who hurt you, man? Why so mean?
Id just thank goodness
Id just thank goodness skid is actually attending college at all.
example: SD18 Princess Powersulk Do Nada, our lady of intertia goddess of sloth who doesnt attend well anything other than the porcelain throne or the leftover altar.
WE have 2 more
Well, we have 2 more adult SD's that live with BM and sponge off her. BM likes it that way, so she can control them and make sure they hate everyone but her at all times. Also, BM thinks they will take care of her when she is old. Ha! These kids can't even take care of themselves, or a houseplant!
Oh well. Nothing I can do but watch the drama unfold and duck when the shit hits the fan.
Not knowing the details of
Not knowing the details of the post 18 CS obligation you mentioned, I would make it all dependent on her taking out loans up front, then providing her official grade reports at the end of the semester. If she has Cs or better in all classes, pay of her loan directly with the lender. If not, welcome to debt baby girl. Never give her money directly. Pay her expenses directly to the institution.
I would have likely been far more focused and successful in my early university career had my parents used this model with me.
Yes
Yes, that's a good idea. We currently pay directly to the school, to avoid BM's sticky fingered ways. Apple didn't fall far from the BM tree, so that's another reason we don't pay turdlet.