I've decide to disengage.
My SC has been in my life now for a year, I've explained in another thread about his behaviour (he's 5). I've had a word today with dad about his sons behaviour and that he's got to step up as a father and not try to be his sons bestie (his son is disrespectful, doesn't listen and is falling behind in class due to his behaviour) the little boys behavior is being ignored by both parents although he is disciplined it's only consistent when I carry out discipline. He's disciplined by his father but a few hours later he's kissing his sons ass because he feels guilty. I've told him his son will fail school and never mount to anything when he's older if he's allowed to run riot. I understand kids need to have fun but all this kid knows how to do is play silly games that he's made up and me and his father must play them. He has no interest in learning how to read. He's five and still has to wear diapers in bed and his BM claims he's still too young to be out of them (he turns 6 in august) he goes without them in my home but as soon as he is back in mom's care he's back in diapers. No wonder the kid acts like a 3 year old!
I think the only way my partner will learn is if I completely disengage.
Any tips how I can do this? Do I pretend the child isn't in my home 3 days per week? Do I carry on with my life and do my usual things?
Start by putting a time limit
Start by putting a time limit on how long it takes for your bf to get a grip and start to parent effectively Then, if he actually does this, set a time that you need to see perfect performance (i.e. no slip-ups). You need this kind of framework to avoid letting things slide and finding yourself in the same awful situation (or worse) in a few years time.
Is the child at school yet? Does he have any friends?
Honestly, I'm not sure disengaging will make life more tolerable for you.
Yes the child is in school.
Yes the child is in school. He includes really has friends in school, I think it's hard for him to make friends because of his self centered attitude, he doesn't play fairly and comes across as quite bossy. He's left my niece in floods of tears multiple times as he tells he she's no longer his friend because she doesn't want to play what he wants to play. I understand what you mean but atm I feel like giving up, I'm trying to give my partner guidance (I dont have kids of my own) but he says it feels like I'm trying to make out that he's an awful parent which I'm not because his son loves him dearly but I'm trying to put across that kids do need to learn whether that's with behavioral issues or school work and sometimes playtime (because that's all the kid seems to know how to do) has to be put aside so he can catch up with homework etc. My partner is a typical Disney dad.
Have you ever asked him how
Have you ever asked him how he imagines his son's future?
That is a great question to
That is a great question to ask parents of kids with behavioral issues.
It's how I approached the issues that I saw in my SD's... I came at it from a point of care and concern for their futures.. so not so much how it impacted ME but that how their behavior and manners would impact how THEY were viewed by society.. what it would mean for them making friends.. for them having success in school and careers..etc...
Disengagement takes a lot of
Disengagement takes a lot of different forms. It doesn't mean that you necessarily ignore a child (and honestly... a 5 yo? would be kind of hard to do and possibly mean). It doesn't mean that you stop doing anything with the child.. you may still help out with him on occasion but with the mindset that you aren't doing it "for the child".. you are doing it because you are helping your SO with HIS responsibilities.. just like he might take your car to have the oil changed.. you might watch the child when he goes to the dentist (or something like that.. but if you watch a child, you have full rights to do what is needed to care for him... including some level of discipline).
Disengagement may be more the acceptance and mindset that he is NOT your child and that you don't have control over the outcome. That you don't necessarily have to twist your life around to accomodate the child.. but that comes with the understanding that you may be doing your own thing without your partner since THEY do have that responsibility. Disengagement may mean not financially supporting or providing things for the child. It's releasing yourself from CARING about the outcome... when it doesn't involve you.
I think the bottom line is that even with disengagement, there is civility in the home. You don't just ignore a person.. child or not. But you don't have to be as enmeshed with him either.. if he wants to play one of his made up games (and he is 5 so some immaturity and imagination is expected...but it sounds a bit extreme)... and you don't want to.. you can make your excuse and go do things you want or need to do. You can insist on couple time without the child.. and you can certainly plan your own things to do on your own when your partner has his child.. it's your time too. But again, it's getting to mentally "accept" what you can't change.. and not caring as much.
Disengagement is taking back
Disengagement is taking back your life and making you the priority. You are not beholden to the custody schedule that you didn't agree to. Make plans with friends, find a new hobby, do something you always wanted to do but didn't. Especially with a 5 year old, it should be pretty simple. Treat SS as if he is the neighbors child. No need to be rude but he is not your responsibility. You arent responsible to make sure he is feed, dressed, happy. Your new mantra - "Go ask Dad."As with any child you would step in if their was a health safety issue - no playing with knives, running into the street but you aren't responsible for anything else. Anything you do for SS is because you were ASKED and you decided to help your partner out. If you want to play games, do so. If you don't, "Not right now Buddy, go ask Dad."
Especially starting out it is
Especially starting out it is a new balancing act. It is changing priorities, figuring out what you can and can't live with. As an adult in the home with a young child you still have to be kind but you aren't anyone's doormat. It looks different for everyone. Some completely book themselves up on kid weekends and disappear and let their husband deal with his kids alone. Some quietly step back, go along for the ride and just roll with things. They stop trying to change the things that they can't and let their Dh deal with the mess that comes from it with just a sweet smile and "this is what you wanted/allowed".
For me, since we are long distance with SS, I attempted to just not let him be a topic of conversation. It lasted for a while. I got good a changing the subject or bringing it back around to one of the other 3 that actually live with us.