ADHD Partner and ADHD Stepson it's messy
Hi there,
I'll try and make this short!
I've been with my partner for 9 years he is currently awaiting a ADHD assessment but has 100% got ADHD, I am a mental health professional so understand this very well, to the point I encouraged an assessment also for my 12 year old stepson years ago and he is officially diagnosed and on medication also.
In the years that we have been together we have lived together for 3 years all as a blended family, my bio son whos now 19 but was 10 when relationship started, my daughter who has severe special needs herself and stayed over on weekends and was 18 at the time , his oldest child daughter who was 8 at the time and his ADHD child son who was 3.
Parenting-
My partner has struggled immensely with parenting his son SS with ADHD, he allowed and allows very unhealthy parenting- no boundaries, no structure,.no verbal discipline when needed- when I ask about this to my ADHD partner he states I've got ADHD too so I know how hard it is and what I should and shouldn't discipline him for - saying this when I've been very firm with partner as I couldn't cope anymore (on multiple occasions over the years) he may try on one or two occasions to discuss with ADHD stepson and apply boundaries but that falls away after that single attempt and its quickly back to square one.
I have been a good step parent, I have however probably made things harder for myself as I have kept out of all the issues that include very poor behaviour and let partner get on with it, I have done this as I have little respect from my SS, no literally does not speak with me - directs all questions and conversation to his father only and leaves the room if its just him and I, now you may think I'm doing something to make him feel this way but please understand I am definitely not, I have been the most approachable, understanding, patient and caring person towards him I could.of ever been, I have never even told him off- if I ask him to do something which is very rare then he does it immediately.
Stepson takes advantage of his father with all things all the time.
Now with having ADHD partner it has been difficult trying to establish ways to manage the relationship not only have I had this to deal with but all my step son and his ADHD plus the mother of my partners children for 9 years has been trying her best to spilt us up using her narcissistic personality disorder in every toxic way she can even using the children in on this.
It's been a.living nightmare- I have never retaliated I have just not fed into her behaviours and tried my best to get on with my life but it has had a great affect on me internally.
So basically I left the relationship yesterday, I had a light switch moment after just recovering from cancer also I basically all.of a sudden said to myself " I have no future here" and went to my own home (i moved out after 3 years- this was 2 years ago)
Partner has no relationship with my bio son, they fell out 2 years ago, he has minimal relationship with my disabled daughter .
My partner (ex) just does not do life and can't and I've carried him both emotionally and financially over the 9 years, I just can't do it anymore - I do love him dearly but I just think I need to start looking after myself now for the first time ever
My question is as I'm a very caring, compassionate woman who thinks of everyone else first but me and I love him, how after all this time and feelings amd history do I restrain from getting back together with him??????
Any advice and support I would appreciate:)
Well, for starters ...
Start by writing down as much as you can remember of the negative times that brought you to this point. Then read that (and this post) over when you have moments of weakness.
Recognize that he's liable to love bomb you to reel you back in. Learn to identify this for what it is, i.e. insincere efforts to get you to come back along with all the home comforts you provide.
Remove all his means of contacting you, block all his numbers, all his addresses, all his access to you via social media.
My ex has ADHD. It is a
My ex has ADHD. It is a tough thing to live with especially unmanaged. You are a mental health professional so you know what to do. You stay away, you block contact. You give your brain the time it needs to clear the chemicals that are amped up from this relationship and drama. You put yourself first.
Not to go all Nike commercial on you. But... Just don't do it!
Reading your post and the discussion comments on it, something came to mind. You either truly love what you do as a mental health professional, or... you are a glutton for punishment.
You work with "these people" in your job. Your own daughter is special needs, and you raised an ADHD husband and his ADHD spawn wile dealing with his NPD XW.
I applaud your moving on. THEY are not your fault, nor are THEY are not your problem. Your DH, as much as you profess the fee fees of love for him, has not stepped up to be an adult, a viable man, a viable parent, or a viable partner.
As some point.... we have to accept the reality that they are showing us, realize that they will not do the work to change and improve, and we have to choose us and our own kids.
Though in the interest of full disclosure, I am not a breeder. My SS is an only child in our marriage. He recently was Dx'd as ADHD at 30yo. Though he is a successful man, thrives in his profession, and is a man of character and standing in his community. His Dx has made for a significant improvement in his quality of life. He is seeing his Doc/therapist regularly and is medicated effectively. His voice demonstrably radiates joy where it had been decidedly Eeyore esque for quite some time. His mom and I were quite worried. Our recent vacation together was wonderful. A happy kid, even an adult kid, is a joy for parents.
Take care of you.
You have moved on. Stay moved on. Just do it! As for going back to this situation.... Just don't do it!
For your own happiness and well being. And for your own children. No child likes to see their parent torture themselves in these situations.
Replacing him/them with an exciting new romance, even if it is only as a distraction, with a viable healthy adult partners, may help with the not going back. As a highly empathetic person, therapy may be in order ot help you defeat the guilt that empaths seem to embrace during difficult relationship times.
My DW is one of you... empaths. Her guilt over leaving a toxic employer was a huge challenge for her, for me, and for us. Therapy helped.
While I have empathy, mine is pretty quick. Moving on is only intensly difficult for me in the immediate turn. Particularly when it involves watching people doing the same things over and over again while expecting a different result.
Same strategies as for kicking an addiction
I attended training some years ago, where they talked about research that looked at neurobiological processes in our brains that happen after separation. Apparently, the same stuff lights up as for people trying to come off heroin. So that helped me stop romanticising breakups and think of them as just a neurochemical reaction that weakens over time.
And I'd say the same principles apply: when in recovery and going cold turkey, plan your life around not going where you might encounter triggers. Plan for the times in the day/week/month/year where cravings are expected to peak and fill them in with social activities with supportive, loving people. Rearrange furniture in your house if you have to, if some favourite corners remind you of your habit (e.g., cuddling on the sofa in front of TV). When a craving hits - think not how good it'll feel like when you're scratching the itch, but of the shame/guilt you'll feel immediately afterwards. Call a "sponsor" - a good friend you've pre-agreed this strategy with and chat about anything - doesn't have to be about the problem itself. The goal is to get past the craving. Also, Google "surfing the wave/distress tolerance skill" visualisation. Try to focus not what you've lost, but what you will gain from kicking that unhealthy relationship. And speaking of healthy, I don't think it's entirely a coincidence you had cancer after all these years of stress. I'm glad you're in the clear now, but you can't waste this second chance.
Much love to you.
Absolutely
brilliant advice. Thank you!