Will I always feel this way?
I've been doing this SM thing now for 16 years. I am now 47 years old and my H and I are empty nesters. I have a DD27 and DS24 and I have two SD's, 21 and 24.
As most, things has not been a joy ride. It's been a lot of the normal stuff and a medaling ex-W. For a few years my relationship with my SD's was "ok'. It was hard for me as most of the responsibility was shifted my way, both from my H and his ex.
3 years ago there was a pretty big blow up betweeen myself and the ex-wife. I had finally had enough of her pawning off her kids on me and her selfish ways. (Honestly both her and my H have been selfish). I spoke my peace, held strong boundaries and her and I have not spoken since. My relationship with my SD's has also went south due to this along with a lot of other little jabs from them that I have absoultely had it with.
My H has never truly had my back as his W like he should have. He's been spineless if I'm truly honest. Afraid to stand up to his two precious, entitled now grown daughters. It's been a continous war between him and I needless to say.
I disengaged from these SD's several years ago and I rarely see or speak to them which is honestly fine by me but there is still the occassional stab and issues that my H refuses to directly address.
I guess my biggest hurdle is letting go of all the resentment, anger and true dislike for my 2 SD's. It's consumed me for years and talking to my H is like talking to the wall. He doesn't want to deal with it, face it or do his part to help fix it so in turn I also resent him. We have a decent marriage if you take them out of the picture.
I've thought about counseling but how do you get a counselor who has no personal experience and understanding of stepparenting truly understand the struggle and dynamics.
I think my biggest issue is I haven't allowed myself a voice to my SD's. Obviously my H will never be that voice. I've let them railroad me for years and make me feel like the maid, cook and 2nd best. I've never been respected as my H's wife.
I don't know that I will ever feel any different toward them honestly. I have such true disgust for them both. I know it's like me drinking poison and expecting them to be hurt but I am truly struggling with letting go, forgiveness and moving on. How can you when the offenses and stabs continue to happen.
Gawd
Your story is like so many.
Its not so much that your SD's are C notes, because in the big picture they are not relevant. What hurts the most is not feeling backed up by your not so darling DH. That I will never get over even though my marriage has ended and he ran into the sunset with his mini wife DD.
Girl I feel your pain. Dang it life is way too short to feel second best.
Too Many Of Us Good Women Have Made The Choice To Share
our lives with jellyfish/spineless, enmeshed, enabling DDDAAAAADDDEEES.
One problem is, if you've never been around this type of dysfunction, your mind tells you things to calm its fears and it attempts to comfort itself when it observes things that don't seem quite right.
Some people self-medicate with wine, chocolate, shopping, credit card binge shopping to "show him" , or whatever your "drug of choice is" that gets you past this, even if only temporarily.
Marriage vows, after all, clearly state the man is to put HIS WIFE (the one he is saying the vows to, not the mini-wife) FIRST. Marriage is CONTRACTUAL, parenting adults IS NOT.
I have a spineless divrced daddy guilted-husband. I was not around his "kids" much before we married, but when I was, I always got a terrible vibe. I'm pretty good at reading people right off the bat.
Interstingly, they don't live all that far away from us, but when he'd see either of them, it would be this big love fest. It was like nothing I had ever witnessed in my lifetime. I certainly don't put my kids on a pedestal, running around catering to their every whim. He and I could NEVER have raised kids together, as I am very matter of fact, "no" is never negotiable etc. He, on the other hand bends himself into a pretzel pleasing these people who don't even give him the time of day.
Slowly, I began to notice all the calls done in private...always secretive. The resentment from his kids toward me. I began to piece it together...they were bonding over their dysfunction. Though I was a model wife and took care of my husband's every whim before he could ever ask, I began to see he was allowing them to bash me and not intervening when they did. He probably even initiated a lot of it to appease them and to keep bonding with them. I know, I know, it sounds sick, because IT IS.
When he told me his 2 previous wives wanted him to disown his kids, particularly his daughter, I thought that was odd. BUT, when I began to live in this dysfunction and see it for exactly what it is, it made sense. Do you think it's mere coincidence that none of us have met one another, yet we all reached the same conclusion? There's a reason for that. Daddy's desire to please the POS he raised far supercedes his desire to play the role of HUSBAND FIRST, and please his WIFE he vowed to please and be loyal to.
Acknowledging your self-talk regarding your anger and resentment sometimes isn't easy, but PLEASE know you ARE HUMAN. Resentment and anger or normal components when your own husband wears blinders and refuses to take your side, or shut their shit down.
Believe me, I too struggle with my thoughts as a Christian. It's never anything evil that I wish would happen to either of them, it's more of, "Ok, I've forgiven them,, however, I refuse to jump back into that toxic viper pit" self preservation mode. After all, if my husband doesn't have my back and isn't in my corner, I AM ALL THAT I HAVE. You can message me if you'd like me to fill you in on details. I don't want to bore readers with reposting my scenario posing as a marriage.
Forgive yourself. Acknowledge that your feelings are REAL and VALID. You have the right to FEEL WHAT YOU FEEL. They are cause and effect induced.
I wish I had better advice, or a magic wand, but I struggle with my feelings toward these entitled self-righteous people he sired.
Hugs from one jellyfish's wife to another.
"He doesn't want to deal with
"He doesn't want to deal with it, face it or do his part to help fix it so in turn I also resent him. We have a decent marriage if you take them out of the picture."
So, other than that Mrs Lincoln, how was the play.
smh
Why are you still in this marriage? What is in it for you?
My mom and dad will celebrate their 59th anniversary this year. So any perspective I have on how I would deal with a StepFather who was a ball-less wonder and would subject my mother to the crap your spineless non-man of a DH has subjected you to is purely hypothetical. That said, If I were your son I would have been in your DH's face calling him out as the failure of a man that he is and I would have run him off long ago. I would have shredded my harpy step sisters and enjoyed doing it for putting my mom through the crap that your POS SD's have put you through.
smh.