HUGS and know you aren't alone, I understand completely what you are going through.

I could have written exactly what you have written here, except I only have one SD. It's taken me years to forgive my DH and I still don't want anything to do with his Spawn and should I ever see Meth Mouth I might run her sorry a$$ over.

Spawn is trying to mend her fences with DH (get money out of) so we will see where that goes, I was happy for those 5 years of peace, but now I have anxiety again waiting to see what DH will do (will he go back to being stupid) and what Spawn will do (will she try and destroy our family again).

Vent away, it's what the site's for, after all!  My SDs are similar ages to your SKIDs - ie 23 and 25 now - I met them when they were 5 and 7 yrs old, and disengaged after about a year - I didn't know there was a name for it at that point, I was just stepping back for my sanity.  I didn't care for my SDs then, and I don't care for them now, they just aren't very likeable.  Like you, I've questioned myself at times, and felt the same emotions you have.  I feel some bitterness for the years that were the hardest - ie 2003-2014 or so.  But you keep on, don't you?   My DH has better boundaries now, thank goddess.  If he didn't make that change, I doubt I would have stayed.  

Be kind and gentle with yourself. You did the best you could and now after 15 years this has all come down to this very moment where you are looking back and feel resentment. Please talk to someone, seek therapy and learn tools on how to manage these emotions. You have placed your wants and needs on the back burner long enough. It's time you place yourself as # 1 and live for you. 

Disengage from SD's, create strong boundaries, and do not allow another 15 years of other people dictating how you will live your life. It hurts when you give so much of yourself and are not appreciated for it. So brush yourself off and know its time for some healing. Love yourself and know you did the best you could with the level of awareness you had at that time.

Sending you hugs!

Fire either burns you to ashes or makes you stronger. I feel like this steplife is the fire, and what its trying to burn is the marriage.

I read some of your past posts. Very sad! Your DH is the cause of all the angst and anger. I get mad at my DH too, and feel like he lives in fear of upsetting applecart, but that he should be more afraid of losing me. At times it really hits me how tired I am of always being last. That some other womans spawn is more important than I am (right now, shes only 13). I keep hoping that things will change for the better.

And, over these past 5.5 years things have gotten SIGNIFICANTLY better. For me.

And as a result things have also gotten better for DH. Ive had to insist on boundaries. And enforcement. And saying "no" to bm, Toxic Troll. Its tiring and the whole child support thing.

We have SD20, Feral Forger. Shes better now that she moved away from toxic troll, but I fear its too late for her and I to ever have any kind of relationship. Check forgery and stealing is not something I want in my life.

Im hoping that SD13 doesnt go down the same road as her mother and her sister...I see her becoming lazy, and her cleanliness is severely lacking. She is not interested in anything, has no hobbies. Shes so smart and creative, but I see her $1,400 tablet not being used, her new digital camera gathering dust, only occasionally used. Just...nothing.

Im hoping that I do not become hardened, but flexible and inpenetrable. For example, Toxic Troll left for Hawai'i almost a week ago, and right before, she badgered DH for child support check so that she would have money while there. ANd no, she did not take SD13. This has pissed me off so much, and I cant stop thinking about it, like "hello karma, can you please do something here?"

And then BOOM. Dh took Munchkin SD13 to the apartment (its about a mile from our home) to feed her rabbit there. ANyway, while she was there she saw a 3 day notice to pay rent or quit. And its a payment plan rent, so its about the cost of a plane ticket to Hawai'i.

Munchkin cried and cried in her room. Im having little to no sympathy. Her mother was evicted from her previous apartment last November. Munchkin knows that she has a home with us full time, but shes feeling sorry for her mother and theres a blossoming co dependency emerging whereby SD13 wants to "fix" her mother. I have no sympathy right now, just anger, and hatred.

Vent away!

I've been in two different step situations.

The first time I became full time mom. BM was out of the picture for all the tough years.  I was the "best mom" until BM came back in the adult years and I was tossed aside like trash. 
 

The second time around I learned my lesson.  I wanted no part of parenting or responsibility.  My DH and BM has other ideas, basically wanting me to be the nanny and their bitch to do whatever they didn't want to do.  When I bucked that system I became the scapegoat for all things horrible according to the stepkids. After the first few years of  battles DH and BM finally caught on I was not going to play.    Now my step life is much calmer compared to what it once was.   
i figures if the stepkids were going to shit on me in the end, why put in all the effort and let's skip all that hard stuff.

i do feel for anyone who gives it their all only to be crapped all over.  It's heartbreaking and I know it took me years to get over my first step kid turning on me.  

https://www.gottman.com/blog/3-betrayals-ruin-relationships-aren't-infidelity/

You are right - you have a DH problem, and it is similar to infidelity.  It will not get any better until he makes a commitment to be emotionally there for you and supportive of you.  Every time he 'betrays' you in favor of someone else, it plies onto the last time he did it, so you only get more bitter as time goes by.  Please go to a good therapist who specializes in blended families.  If your DH won't join you, go by yourself..

Yes hon... Parenting in and of itself is a very thankless job. You add the step element to the equation, and it's even more thankless still.

I've been at this roughly nine years, and I totally get what you're saying about your heart being somehow compromised by all the using, the disrespect, and the double standards.

It's easy to just turn away from everyone and become bitter inside. To become the actual caricature that everyone involved envisions you to be. It takes superhuman compassion, patience , forbearance, and grit. We steps are warriors.  Warriors of the heart. For most, the battle will degrade and downtrod the idealistic selves that started, and leave a wounded soul wary of extending compassion or kindness, unless intent is first proven. For very few, the battle will enlighten, allowing those few to transcend wallowing in the emotions of their circumstance, and become a rock upon which everyone else who is foundering in a deep sea can secure themselves from the watery abyss that waits.

I hope to be the latter, but it is a hard road. Would love to pick your brain some time about how you got the adult SK's to launch. Remember You are Not alone.

Hi , I'm new here and this resonated with me in a really big way. My story is similar to yours and I feel exactly as you describe. Unfortunately for me, the 2 SKs that I helped raise fulltime from ages 10 and 12 ( BM very unstable and created ongoing tremendous emotional upheaval and damage), have now moved back home to us having briefly rented with friends, as young adults should. The dynamic has changed completely and my wishes are not entertained or engaged with in the slightest way by my partner or the adult kids. My expectations are fairly low tbh and it is in the main to do with privacy and being told if they are heading away for longer periods of time. I explained in the most relaxed way possible that this is so their Dad and me could just know we'd the place to ourselves. I go to extreme lengths to keep an even keel but to no avail. There has been nothing but drama and scapegoating of me and although I have sought to discuss my very real distress with my partner, he just stonewalls me. I have now moved out. After 16 years of unbelievable pain, drama and giving unconditional support, I am empty. I'm still processing everything but am starting to realise I've been pushed to the point of no return. I'm proud that I have provided them with so much as to think of it any other way would destroy me. But I have nothing more to give and leave empty handed. Hard lesson. On that note, I really hope it works out for you and you get to regain those parts of you that have been so fundamentally impacted upon. Best of luck.

I feel the same way. Dealing with BM's craziness and manipulations, guilt, and shame from SSs, MIL, and BIL has made me into an angry person who doesn't trust anyone. I just want to avoid all of them. It's also reduced my tolerance for BS and manipulation in other parts of my life as well, which means I spend more time angry than I ever have. 

I love my DH and we have a great life together, but man, it is trying to be caught in the middle of dysfunction you didn't cause, that you can't avoid or fix, and that you're not allowed to have an opinion on. Having to be the silent, non-entity that just fades into the background while others cause chaos around you can be really damaging. 

One counselor I saw said that I have experienced trauma due to all of this and I think I have. It's hard to sit with trauma, when you have to be the unseen, unheard stepmother and when society tells you that you asked for all this. I really wish that stepmothers were more understood and less vilified in our society. 

Why try to forgive them when writing them off and not tolerating their presence or influence on your life purges them from your life?  Move on to focus on yourself and maintain zero tolerance.

If your DH tries to manipulate you into re-engaging with this toxic spawn, just hand him the scrap book of their crap over the past decades.  Parents who are given a comprehensive history of their shit children when they try to slither their spawn back into the life of their spouse don't have much of a leg to stand on when their spouse writes off their kids for the countless instances of toxicity.

For some reason parents who keep begging for attention from their adult toxic spawn in spite of the repeated crap those spawn perpetrate in the parent's life and in the life of that parent's spouse just never learn.  Even when things are crystal and abundantly clear to their spouse.

smh