Triggered by resentment
Today I realized how much resentment I have inside for Munchkin SD13. I generally love her and we are peas in a pod. But this morning, triggered by something I THOUGHT she did, I just about went off the deep end of the anger chasm. It was one of those weird things. I was in a rush to get out the door, was late, and went to the laundry pile on the couch in our 2 nd living room to get some clothes (yeah, I dont like folding laundry!) I felt around and there was a pile of wet clothes there some mine. I flew into a rage, ran over to Munchkins door, and knocked VERY aggressively. I said as calmly as an enraged person could "Munchkin why did you put wet clothes on the couch?" She said she did not. I just walked away angrier than before, pulled her dry clothes out of the dryer, placed them on the couch in the main living room, and put the extremely-damp-on the-edge-of-wet clothes in the washer, because they smelled a little.
I asked her again, and said that I didnt do it, nor her father. DH yelled at her, and we all got up and looked at the clothes. It turns out that when a load was done, the load was to large for the regular dryer cycle and they simply had not completely dried off. When she put her clothes in the dryer she hadnt noticed.
So, I spent today of course analysing the source of my resentment. The triggers are there because so many times throughout this 5 year journey in stepland, so many times I had to ask "why did you do that munchkin?"
Like my wedding day when you cried and told your mother - and BM toxic troll texted DH nasty things.
- why did you do that?
Like before that when I texted you something not mean for you causing www3 with your mother, instead of talking to me about it.
- why did you do that?
Like thinking that you got head lice because I gave you a birds nest, so you told your mother this, and this gave your mother reason to say horrible things to your father.
- why did you do that? And then I hear you tell your friend that you can get head lice from birds nest. Just no.
Or how about crying to your sister that dad was mad at you, so now she like to accuse DH of abuse.
- why did you do that? Now Dh cannot parent you because you cry if he tells you no, and you cry when he chastises you.
Like on your birthday weekend, we spent money and loads of time to make it happy and special, you go to moms house and download a stupid game, sprint alerts DH that the account was charged, you argue with DH and cry to your mother, and she in turn texts DH nasty texts with name-calling.
- why did you do that?
I am looking for a way to let go of these resentments. To let go of this anger. Its rational anger but its not doing me any good. I want to keep my relationship with Munchkin positive. Right after we came to the conclusion we did, I apologised and we hugged and things were great again. Yet I am now aware that the anger can be triggered and it lies there waiting for the next time.
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From past posts I really do
From past posts I really do feel sorry for your SD13, she is being emotionally and mentally abused by her mother and sister and nobody is protecting her from it.
I know
which is why there will be no resolution to these feelings. Just give her tools to deal with it or a shoulder to cry on, a roll of tp to blow the snot into.
Shes not even the target of my emotions, her mother and sister are. Thanks for saying that I now realize that my emotions are directed NOT REALLY at her, but them. Ive been so focused in the wrong direction.
It's always just under the
It's always just under the surface, isn't it? I still steel myself when DH starts in with "SD said.." or "SS needs.." and these days I have a pretty good relationship with them. But I know it can crumble down any second.
Maybe use this as a lesson for future triggers. Remind yourself that you wrongly accused Munchkin for something that turned out to be a mistake. Look, you're human. And a stepparent. You need a cape, not more guilt.
Like Jaws
That toothy monster just waiting for my next trigger to reach out of the water and evicerate any chance at a relationship with kiddo.
Thanks - Im still looking for one that fits. Cape that is.
I have definately felt this.
I have definately felt this. I have a tendancy to blame my SD and jump to conclusions much more than my husband who is willing to accept what she says and I can see how it has affected my relationship with her negatively. Sometimes she is blameless and sometimes she is at fault, but if I always pass the blame onto her then it makes her cautious and resentful of me. I am trying to do better and to let things go or not jump to conclusions but habits are hard to break and I did catch myself doing it a few times this summer during her visit.
When my step daughter was living with us full time a few years back, I was filled with anger and rage fairly frequently over silly minor things and I am ashamed to say that sometimes I directed it at her. I tried seeing a therapist at the time but his only suggestion was that I make sure to eat as maybe I was hungry (he was pretty useless). I realized later that anger can be a symptom of many things including depression which I was feeling at the time (and still am depressed to a lessor extent now). I am also now discovering that I have ADHD and that people with ADHD apparently often struggle with their emotions and can over-react to them. I am on the path towards getting help with these.
Feeling upset and angry is natural when life is as chaotic and as difficult as step life can get, but it can also be a sign that we need to take care of ourselves too. If you feel that your anger is disproportionate or uncontrolable then I would seek help from your doctor or a therapist.
We’ve just gone past winter where i am and used the dryer often
There have been many times i pulled it out thinking its dry and hours later when i go to fold that its damp. You really only know once the clothes cool down a but that its 100% dry..
i get it the constant habits of them, the brewing anger, frustration and resentment inside that you’re bound to feel that way.