Out of Control SD
I met my DH and moved in with him two years ago. I have a DS who is 21 who lives an hour away and SD is 23 and lives with us. SD has no r-ship with her BM who lives several states away, but when she was 18 she decided to go stay with her and it ended up with SD assaulting her and the cops were called. So I move in tried to befriend SD by going places and trying to bond with her over common interests, but she’s always kept me at a distance. I never came on too strong just tried to be a friendly supportive role. However the first year and a half she would call her Dad terrible disrespectful names and I just kept my mouth shut.
She would call DH a “f-ing drama queen, a**, to shut his d**n mouth, called me his g*d wife” and I told my DH that is totally unacceptable and disrespectful to him and he would get onto her about it, yet it kept happening. Finally I’d had it with her and confronted her with my DH and we told her it’s not going to continue, she relented and controlled her verbal outbursts at home, but meanwhile she had gone through four different breakups and had assaulted one of the ex boyfriends at a bar. Her room is knee deep in clothes, just a total disaster. She comes home with new piercings and tattoos, which I never comment on. she is on the ropes with her job because she has been in verbal confrontations with other employees who have quit. A few weeks ago we got a call in the middle of the night that she was in the ER on psych hold for trying to slash her wrist, but it turns out it was just a drunken fight at the bar with her latest boyfriend. My DH told her she has to get counseling and she agreed but in the meantime she’s still drinking and going out at 4 am to meetup with her bf. I told my DH that going out of the house at 4am is unacceptable and wasn’t following any house rules, like why do I have to keep on DH about her, I think there’s too much coddling and enabling going on! I’m really stressed and frustrated because I feel bad for her not being stable or or having a r-ship with her BM, but we’re in our 50’s and just want peace. I keep thinking she will move out but she is buried in hospital bills because she treats the ER as a way to get attention, and she can’t maintain a r-ship long enough to have a roommate. My DH said we are moving either this year or next about 6 hours away to a very small town, and she claims she’s not moving with us, but I feel stuck with her. She tries to be the “wife” by cooking holiday meals but if I cook or we have a nice dinner she usually just goes to her room. she sabotages every nice guy who asks her out, she’s a very attractive young lady, but she’s ugly on the inside. We ask her to go places with us, and my DH is always available if she wants to go with just the two of them, but she just avoids us. I just am at my wits end! Any opinions are welcome, thank you for letting me vent!
Your first mistake was this ...
You should NOT have moved into/married into a relationship where there is an "adult" female who is calling the shots. You should have insisted SD move out BEFORE you got married and moved in. As you are now discovering, getting rid of her after the fact will be no mean feat.
IMO the only way out of this is for DH to find his b@ll-sack and tell her she needs to be out within 30 days. If need be, help her ONE TIME with a deposit for her own place then move her and her piles of crap into it. Change the locks and proceed with your plans for moving to the small town. When looking at places there, I'd suggest a place that does not have room enough for her to invade and try and settle in with you.
You are in your 50's. FIFTIES! You cannot, and should not, be having this kind of stress and abuse at your age. Get your DH to fix this mess or tell him you will be the one who will move to the small town, and there won't be room for him their either.
I agree with everything you
I agree with everything you said except the part where you basically made people in their 50s frail and elderly.
Hey, I'm in my late 30s and I
Hey, I'm in my late 30s and I don't have the energy for all that drama!
Didn't imply frail at all.
Merely pointing out a very important fiscal (and physical) reminder. When you are in your 50's there is much less chance you can recover/repair from financial mistakes simply due to the limited remainder of working years left. And the stress of having to deal with abusive people as well as financial worries does in fact have more of an impact on the more "mature" human being.
Look, end this. Call the
Look, end this. Call the locksmith. Re-key the locks and inform DH that she will never again enter your home.
End of discussion, end of story, end of problem.
His tolerance of her crap is enabling her crap. Though she is the symptom, DH is the problem.
Put your foot down, take back your life, take back your marriage.
Put her in the gutter where she belongs.
Your SD is the symptom, your
Your SD is the symptom, your H is the problem.
He created this monster with his lazy parenting, made her a mini wife, and continues enabling her.
Enabling is a sickness and addiction of it's own, so you need to determime if it's even in your best interests to stay married to this man. Find a tough, no nonsense marriage/addiction counselor who can help you navigate this. Tell your H in front of the counselor that he can have a healthy, loving life with you OR a life of dysfunction with his daughter, but he can't have both. You have to have limits and take care of you, and your H needs clear boundaries just as much as his daughter does. He has to choose, and you need to have money put aside and an exit strategy ready.
Should your H commit to you and fighting the good fight, gird your loins. The poop is going to hit the fan as soon as the first boundary is presented to this snarling, feral woman and your H will want to back down. Things will get worse before they get better, and there will be lots of blowback. Don't hesitate to call the police, change the locks, evict, etc. You're dealing with a violent adult addict who needs help getting to rock bottom.
There needs to be a launch plan, house rules, and consequences. Don't let your H hide behind your skirts, and verbally slap him each time he shows signs of weakness. There's no room for guilt in this scenario. He is the one who must fight the Hydra, with you supporting him.
Enabling is an engrained behavior, and they've been doing this sick dance together for many years. Both my mother and my FIL went to their graves still enabling their stunted adult addict kids, so keep your expectations realistic and always be prepared to save yourself.