UK Newbie
Hi everyone,
As a UK mum i am so glad to have found this board, im new to this so i apologise if its all been asked before but i'd really appreciate knowing how other deal with adult step daughters who are attention seeking witches lol..
Briefly ive been with my partner over 3 years, we arent in a position to live together yet though do plan to once my sons left school. I have 2 kids DS 15, DD 20 who are both fine with our r/ship and like my partner, his daughter is 25, married, with a kiddy BUT OMG does she resent me!!!. She even cut me out of wedding photos at a family function. My biggest problem is that her dad, although he sees shes rude, petty etc doesnt want to get caught in the middle, and because he feels "guilty" hes trying to please us both and giving her even more fuel and attention. They are close, she lived with him for a couple of years at 18, (she is close to her BM too who is involved in her life) and she alternates between acting like his wife when im not there and a 6 year old when i am. I know some of it his fault, and she will alwyas be in our lives, but how can i stop it turning me
bitter and stressy whenever shes around or mentioned?.
Theres way more i could mention but dont want to bore you all on my first post.
Look forward to hearing others coping methods
ER xx
StepAside - you are very wise
StepAside - you are very wise (or very well tortured!) Do you have any advice on how it works to accept that you are never going to have a blended family please?
I will not lose any sleep over having zero relationship with my partners horror of a child but how do we play it with each other? And what about family events? I live in fear of funerals or weddings where we will come face to face and she will play the blood card and make me feel a fool for trying to forge a relationship with her father? Though if I say this to him - he tells me I am being stupid.
Sorry to hijack your post but I am hanging close to the cliff edge here!!
Thanks.
Welcome to StepTalk. Sounds
Welcome to StepTalk. Sounds like familiar issues. The most prevalent conflict in stepfamilies is in the stepmother/stepdaughter relationships. SDs are more likely to experience a loyalty conflict (overly attached to mother, and now mother’s protector) and have a great deal of trouble adding another “mother type” to the family. Without the traditional kinship ties the fight for power, recognition and position can become bitter indeed.
Pre divorce relationships between a bio parent and a child can become pathologically intense. (google emotional incest/spousal status) Between fathers and daughters this intensity often meant that the daughter took or was given the central female role in the household and therefore Dad’s new wife is seen as intruding on an intimate relationship and is seen as a rival, not a helper. The SM is not viewed positively by SD but as the “other woman” to be driven out or at the very least shown her “place” in the family behind everyone else as defined by SD. There cannot be two women at the centre of the household, and SD has been lead to believe and does believe SHE is the centre.
Problem is often it is the dads who organized this behaviour by “assigning” the central female role in the family to their daughters post divorce; not because of the SD’s maturity and wisdom but because she is female. In addition the SD may have coveted that role for some years. The daughter mistakenly believes that her being assigned the central female position in the family is proof that father sees her as equal to him and intellectually and emotionally superior, not only over SM, but also over her mother and other family members. A SD will not easily relinquish that lofty and unearned role, if at all.
You however you did not cause this issue--your partner did. Even though DHs don’t intentionally make this mistake it is still their mistake that they have to correct. Or, he will go through divorce number two, three and four until it finally sinks in that the women aren’t the problem his inappropriate relationship with his daughter is. OH, and when your partner says he is trying to please you both, don’t believe it! The only person he is trying to please is himself by giving the appearance that he has nothing to do with the issues, that he in fact central to.
Men don’t come to this realization easily. These men actually believe their emotionally incestuous relationship is the epitome of a good father/daughter relationship—wrong. It will be a lengthy process of education for him to understand the problematic dynamic.
But, as long as you KNOW you did not cause this issue, and this is not a personal failing of yours, you can maintain your self-esteem, keep your expectations and resentment low, and work around “their issues” with each other.
Do set two ground rules and possibly more with your partner:
1)He is NEVER to discuss anything about you or your relationship with him with his daughter. She is not his confidante she is his kid and theirs is not a peer relationship.
2)If she is unable to come into your home and treat you with courtesy and respect they can meet up elsewhere. Rule number one always applies.
Your partner needs to communicate to his daughter that you and he are the adult team. Because if he refuses to address this issue it may well end up in a stand off with enduring mutual feelings of bitterness, jealousy and even hatred, and none of it caused by you.
Ps: I found the getting cut out of the photo story humorous. Same here.
I cant believe how many
I cant believe how many things i have in common.. its almost a relief in a weird way. I am new here too.
AS FOR THE part about DH's not wanting to be "in the middle"...Its like i finally pointed out to mine.. "YOU ARE NOT INNN THE MIDDLE, YOU ARRRRE THE MIDDLE" you are what binds us, you are the step and bridge between us. Youre what relates us to one another. Its kinda your job to set the example and get us through it.
We are not wicked SMs (if we were, then we wouldnt care enough to be here asking advice and trying to console one another). Be glad we love your children and have sacriced as much as and possibly more for them than we would if they were our bio children!!!
if the "strongmanDH" would stand up and act how they should, it would be sooo much easier.
Awesome posts StepAside and
Awesome posts StepAside and Donna123 - I also like Marmite - I am originally from England also!
you all said it the best!!!
you all said it the best!!! how true it is...
Wow massive yaaay to all you
Wow massive yaaay to all you guys...thanks so much for the support!!. Its helps waay more than you'd know just to have comrades in arms lol...I guess one of my worries was/is that the witch would put doubts in my partnes mind by making things more difficult than when he was single ie in a simple mans mind, no partner means peaceful life!!. However im thinking she has got worse the longer we've been together as she now knows this chick aint budging from beside her dad..
It sticks in my throat that he cant see (or wont admit maybe) that shes a spoilt petty cow (sorry). the completely obvious stupid thick comments so daddy says " oh silly, no thats the wrong word" or whatever!!. Playing the little girl is just sickening, and makes me want to slap her, im normally mild mannered, i guess she feels that one way i wont act around her dad so shes guarernteed his attention. I know theres no real answeer except as some of you say "dis-engage", but at least i can vent on here :).
Thank you all for the spirit and humour, i know it will be my life saver..and as usual in most r/ships, its the female that has to make allowances for the male, rather than expect him to step up when required. I know he should at least understand my thoughts even if he doesnt openly put the witch down, i cant criticise her though as he then backs off or does that tight mouth, tight arse posturing which means subject closed!!
xx
EnglishRose 17 I feel your
EnglishRose 17 I feel your pain!
My partner is 14 yrs older than I and has a 21 yr old spoilt, manipulative, attention seeking daughter. My blood pressure is sky high just thinking about the things she puts everyone through - taking aside the social services order because of her neglectful, violent approach to parenting.
I have been with my partner now for 3yrs and I forced him to get back in touch with his daughter and guide her through her poor decisions. Now they are bonded and loyal as they should be - but this new partnership does not allow room for me "blood is thicker than water" (I was told when I asked for a day off her dramas as I had just been made redundant and couldn't hack her latest self created/life changing none event.)
I feel pushed out and vilified for everything I do - if I support them - I am an outsider and don't understand - if I offer a true opinion "she's foul mouthed and needs to grow up and treat your family with respect" then I am the most horrible person alive. I'm thinking of leaving him because this constant freeze out is ruining my happiness and confidence and is making me ill.
You should be really proud of yourself because it sounds like you are coping a darn lot better than I!
Keep up the good work and breathing exercises - I take my hat off to you!! xx