Help!
Hello! I am new to the forum and happy to have found this. I just need some advice from other step parents. I am divorced with two boys (14 and 11). I have been divorced for 5 years now and I am engaged to be remarried. My soon to be step daughter is 10. She can be a sweetheart, but she can be the complete opposite more so. I am not sure how to handle this. I feel she is spoiled and I feel my fiance is not even aware of it. I know I need to have a conversation about it, and I am at fault for hesitating. I do not want to hurt his feelings because she is his daughter. She is completely different when we are all togehter, which is only every other weekend withour custody arrangements. But those weekends I have so much anxiety! She talks very loud and has to be the center of attention. If anyone else is talking she interrupts and has to tell a "better" story. She has to have her own way or pouts like a toddler. And, I am finding that my fiance is giving in to this. The girl does not have a good situation with her mother at all and I know that plays a huge roll in her behavior. when she is at her mother's all they do is scream, so I understand her being loud at her fathers is a reult of that. She feels being loud will make her heard. Her father tries to fix anything that goes wrng for her, and I totally disagree with this. Kids have to learn to work through somethings, with guidance if needed, but parents cannot alway fix everything. This is a life long problem! If we are all out together she has to make sure she is glued to her father. I think that is a jealousy part, and I understand that too. It is a work in progress and I do not interfere. I am fine with it, but its the way she does it that is just plain annoying. My fiance asked me to include her in pictures because it makes her feel left out. I told him that I do ask her to get in pictures when I take them - she looks at me and nods NO and walks over to her dad. He doesnt see that. I will not coddle her and beg her to jump in pictures - not happening! Vacation was not too bad but she wanted a certain seat in the car and pouted when she didnt get her way. My 14 year old is 6'2 and needs the leg room but she wanted THAT seat. Her dad said it wasnt fair because she has been asking about sitting in that seat. Or when we would go to dinner, my boys are not allowed to have their cell phones out. She was on hers the entire time and when told by her father to put it away she says NO and then sneaks it. Or the fact that she doesnt like anything at all, ever, anywhere we go to eat. I told my fiance she can have my side order of french fries because I wont eat them and she will. Instead he "feels bad" for her and orders her her own plate of fries and she literally eats 2 of them. And then its the pout because there is never anything she likes! It seems stupid and petty and this is just some of it. I don't know how to tell my fiance how I am feeling without upsetting him. My boys are far from perfect, but they do not act like this at all! And boys are sooo different from girls. I dont think I should be disciplining at all. That is his place when it comes to her, but I need to tell him my feelings on this stuff and not sure how. I did mention yesterday that I didnt agree with him calling her school to change the teacher she was assigned because "she doesn't like him." I told him that there will be people all through life she won't like and dad cannot continue to fix it for her. He told me that this teacher has the worst record in the school and alot of the kids fail in his class. He is on the board of the school so this is how he knows. I still disagree. He said that he understands my point but that we will have to disagree on this because he feels he has to do this since its her education. There is always a reason WHY. Am I being ridiculous? He is a great father and heloves his daughter. He treats my boys like his own and he has been a blessing to us without a doubt. I just dont know how to go about this. We are going to be looking for a house this Fall and I want to try and discuss this before that. Right now we each have our own places.
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My then-SGD-9 accosted my
My then-SGD-9 accosted my BS-then 10, asking him to kiss her ... would he be her BF ... did he think she was pretty ... completely freaked out BS-10. Same weekend, SGD-9 repeatedly burst into bedroom of BS-10 w/o knocking. Hugely inappropriate behavior --- rubbing, comments, etc. Continued to violate appropriate boundaries even after repeated corrections & reprimands. It was horrible. SGD is desperate for any attention. SGD has no sense of boundaries, been abandoned by SD, poor social skills and SO feels sorry for her and remembers her as the toddler he raised.
We have spent the last 4+ years keeping SGD & BS carefully separated. BS joins me with SO whenever SGD does not have visitation. A few times each year we all do things together such as going to the corn maze, to museums/zoo, mjr holidays; but, rarely ever sleepovers in the same house at the same time. The potential harm & liability for my boy has kept me enforcing the "no=fly zone."
My advice is to be very, very careful because you are introducing your boys into a situation with a nonbiologically related young girl.
EDIT to add: Sorry, this was slightly tangential ---
This stuff is definitely not
This stuff is definitely not an issue with us. And if it were I would have ran a long time ago. My kids and my soon to be SD only see each other every other weekend, and most times not even much during that time because my boys are active and are always playing aports. She does not play anything and hates going to see the boys - which is fine with me!!!
It may not be an issue now,
It may not be an issue now, but it's something you need to be mindful of, regardless, especially as the children get older.
I will be mindful of that for
I will be mindful of that for sure. My SD is not like that and my fiance is on top of her. It's her spoiled antics that annoy me.
If you only see her EOWE and
If you only see her EOWE and she annoys you this much, things aren't looking good for her teen years. I highly doubt your SO is suddenly going to change his parenting habits after 10 years of the same old, especially since he thinks he's doing a bang up job.
You're the only one that can decide how much you can take. And you really need to think about the next 8 years or so. What if she has some teenage snit fit with BM and wants to come live with you guys? No way will your SO tell her no, can you handle her 24/7?
I mean none of the things you are saying she is doing are super terrible, my just turned 10 year old niece acts the same, and a lot of it is because she is VERY spoiled and some of it is hormones. But holy crap, add those two together?! :O
You are right - they are not
You are right - they are not horrible things. And he does lay into her, but he does it after he gives in to her. I think maybe he doesnt even realize it since he has been single for so long. Maybe my perspective on things as the outsider will make him look at it differently. And yes, hormones do not help the situation. Her mom is not a comforting afectionate mom at all, and neither is my step daughter to be. Her mom does not have the importatnt talks with her and my fiance asked me to do it. As much as I am comfortable doing it and honored he feels that way, her mother will flip her lid if she finds out. So I told him I will not do that. I will help him talk to her but I am not the one to do it - it has to come from him, as uncomfortable as it may be.
I feel for you. My SD is 16.
I feel for you. My SD is 16. Her mom is not affectionate and neither is she. My SS14 never gets out of the car without telling me he loves me. Complete opposite. There is no good answer. My husband is pretty black and white with her, and is super supportive - I am actually the one that is the pushover. I have tried to foster the motherly bond, but it officially ended last week when she told me to go f*** myself, that I was a piece of sh**, etc. Fast forward a week, and still no apologies. Speaks volumes at how she REALLY feels about me. I would stay out of it 100%. I am only speaking from 8 years of trying every thing.... all getting the same result. I am ALWAYS the end game of every time she doesn't get her way. I am jumping of the crazy train of ever expecting a different result. It's really hard to do but one thing I have learned....being a stepmom to a SD with a crazy BM is the biggest energy drain of life.
I understand your feelings!
I understand your feelings! The BM is insane and will drag me down. Its just a matter of time once we have a house/married. I am honestly ok with it for now - may not be in the years to come. What she does does not bother me. The effect it has on SD is what bothers me. My fiance does not let the BM bring me into any situation - I will give him that credit for sure. He nips it right in the butt. The other behavior of the BM is another story. It affects SD completely and it is so sad! I think in a perfect world, DH would love for me to just take over that mother role, but I am not going to do that. I am not her mom and I wont pretend to be. I will be her friend, but not a parent or a disciplinarian. Tough road to travel.
Hon.... I had the same SD
Hon.... I had the same SD many years ago... and listen carefully - it's not worth it, do not even live together when SD is there for the week-end, your kids needs their mum, not a stressed out woman trying to please the man in her life.
DO not buy property together, nothing.... wait it out till SD launched.... I've wasted 14 years of my life because I did not want to listen
I understand this response
I understand this response and why I am not in a rush to buy a home. On the other hand, I also have not voiced my feelings to my fiance about this. I am not a confrontational person and fought constatnly with my ex. Its exhausting and because of that I avoid this out of fear of an argument, which it probably would not turn into that, but its that daunting fear of my previous life. This is so hard!
you can mention it till you
you can mention it till you are blue, he's going to fight about it.
Either you accept it and ignore it, disengage from her, or you move on...
you can try having a chat with him and see how he reacts, if he starts fighting, laugh and stop him and say, hey honey I told you this is how it looks like from an outsider perspective, maybe you should look at it for what it is, SD is young and what she gets away with now will escalate into major crap in 4 years time, then you can't change it...
then change the topic and know - battle and war you will not win, start working on a exit disengagement plan and keep finances separate
We do not live togehter yet.
We do not live togehter yet. We each have our own places and finances. He is not an argumentative person and I know it would be a discussion more than an argument. Honestly, I think it is more me feeling uncomfortable telling him how I feel about her because she is his daughter. I know I am wrong in this feeling, but I am only human. SD is not a complete brat, but I do have concerns as she grows up. I say that and he responds, "We'll get through it together."
Hon do not move in together
Hon do not move in together as long as this is the white elephant in the room, you can talk to him then and be honest, maybe he really does not know and maybe he will appreciate it,
make the boundaries and rules clear now.... before you move in together..
small things, when the 2 families spend a week end together, all kids are treated equally, if your sons needs to do dishes, so does SD... if SO allows her to sit out - you must see the little red flag in it...
if she tries and control conversation, simple tell her shhht adults talking and see how he react to it
Thank you! With the boys, a
Thank you! With the boys, a lot of times on the weekends we have the kids we are doing our own things because my kids play sports or I am taking them to friends, etc... Unless we have something planned we really are not all together much right now. We will be more now with Fall weather and sports settling down a little bit, so I will try this! Sometimes, I tend to nit pick every little thing. I own that and I know it is wrong. Its the big things I need to focus on.
Acra knows stuff. She's
Acra knows stuff. She's helped me so much and I'm still with my DH. I had two SDs like yours. Due to diligent disengagement I make it work for me. Read my blogs for progress and feedback from others... it's not easy and you have to refocus off the SD.
Thank you - I will check it
Thank you - I will check it out. Can you elaborate on diligent disengagement?
disengagement - you do
disengagement - you do nothing for skids their own parents are not doing, no rides, no buying them stuff nothing, not your children not your problem. if they want something you simply say Ask your Dad.... you spend no money on them, if you buy your kids stuff it's only for them, your skids have 2 parents who can buy them stuff and neither of those people will buy your kids anything.
Remember they are not your kids, you are not responsible for them, you will not be held responsible for the adults they turn out to be, you do not tell them what to do... you tell your BF to deal with it, either he gets them to do stuff or he does it himself... as long as it gets done.
Thank you! I pretty much
Thank you! I pretty much disengage now but will definitel make the conscious effort. My SD does not ask me for anything - she runs to daddy for everything! I will not discipline her and have no intention of ever starting. When she ascts like a spoiled brat or pouts like a toddler, I walk away. I don't even want to be around her or look at her when she does that. My 11 year old son can pout at times and that annoys the crap out of me! I totally ignore him when he does it. Pouting wont work for me. It works AT TIMES with my fiance. We will be talking about this soon. I need all the cards on the table! And again, she is not like this all the time. Why do girls talk SOOOOOOOO much LOL! I know that is just a girl thing/phase, but good Lord, my jaw hurts just listening to it! Boys are so different!
Your DH only has the girl
Your DH only has the girl EOW. With only 4 days a month, he won't discipline her and will be very hesitant to tell her "no" because he barely sees her, so he wants (actually NEEDS) all of the little time he has with her to be fun.
If you only saw your sons 4 days a month, and they decided not to listen to you and took out their cellphones at dinner anyway, would you really want to spend those few precious hours fighting with them about it? Or would you simply decide it wasn't worth a battle, and let it go? Or maybe you would gently say something, but what if they continued not to listen to you, and left you no choice other than to ground them or take their phones away--- would you? And remember, you can't even really ground them because the punishment will go away the next day when they go back to the other parent.
So, that's the battle your DH is dealing with. He barely sees the girl, which means his hands are tied when it comes to discipline unless he wants his daughter to hate him, and possibly to start refusing to see him entirely. Yes, your DH should discipline her and be a parent regardless, but this means he may lose his daughter completely. So, he basically needs to choose between being a parent to a girl who may completely cut him out, or being a friend, and keeping her around.
You can completely disengage and ignore everything this girl does. This is between her and her father, and really nothing for you to waste your time getting aggravated over. If he wants to buy her her own fries, that's really up to him, isn't it? It's his money and he can waste it however he wishes.
If he wants to let her walk around glued to her cellphone, again, that doesn't really effect YOU. If this girl grows up to be a complete waste of life, that is not your problem. If she wants to walk all over dad, not your problem. Now, if shes annoying, that is your problem.
So option 1, don't be around when she is. Go visit friends EOW so she can't annoy you. option 2- if she is annoying, THAT is your DH's responsibility because he has an obligation to you. Whatever the kid is doing that bothers you, view the situation as if your DH is doing it himself directly. It is your DH's job to make you happy, and if you're not okay with a man that annoying, make it clear. It is his responsibility to make sure she stops. However he wishes to accomplish that is up to him, he can parent just enough to get her to lower her voice, he can take her somewhere else so she can go be noisy where you are not. He needs to figure that one out. When my SS is too loud I will ask my DH to stop the noise as casually as I might ask him to lower the volume on the TV if its bothering me. And I don't really care how he does it, because it's not my kid. Its a source of noise that my DH is essentially creating (even if indirectly) and it is his responsibility to be considerate and stop his noise, or his irritation, or his small nagging person, or whatever it is that the kid is doing that is directly irritating me- I will just kind of look at DH and ask him to stop it however he wishes. And he always figures something out. If the kid makes a mess, I act like if its my DH's mess. If the kid is screaming, I ask my DH to stop screaming. If the kid broke the remote, I ask DH to fix the remote he personally broke.
Option 2- Your DH needs to start parenting, and you need to back him up. Now given the situation, its very likely your DH may be unwilling to do this. He needs to start being a father even if it means he will have little to no pleasant time with his daughter, and she may eventually disappear from his life completely. But he needs to be willing to do it. If he isn't, then you need to choose if you are willing to be with a man who will not parent. (Understand its because parenting carries great costs in this case due to the custody arrangement, not because he is a bad parent) If you would be willing to lose your sons rather than allow them to act like heathens if you only had them EOW, you may expect the same of him. But be sure you really would be willing to lose your sons, because that is the situation with his daughter. If you're sure its a requirement, than you have to leave. And don't date ANY man who only has his kids EOW because its always the same thing.
I appreciate your advice. My
I appreciate your advice. My fiance has his daughter every Wednesday, Thursday and every other weekend. I have my boys every Monday and Tuesday and every other weekend. So we each have our kids 50% of the time, and our weekends are the same. He definitely disciplines her, but its after the fact. Not sure he sees it clearly. THere are times when it is just the three of us and she is fine. She gets over animated when my boys are around, not all the time, but she does. I feel like I am being petty too and over reacting. I know blending a family is far from easy. And my fiance knows where I stand with disciplining - I won't do it. He does respect that. I just have to talk to him more about it when we are alone. My ex and I have a stable relationship, so if there is ever an issue with the boys and one needs punishing, etc. we talk about it and it would continue at both houses. I am lucky in this sense. I truly want this to work out, and I know nothing is ever perfect. I appreciate your advice a lot!
have you considered swapping
have you considered swapping the weekends so that they alternate? It would give everyone some peace and quiet, and allow for better quality time with the kids who are there on the weekend... then when she's there, you can just take off since your boys won't be there, and likewise or him when your boys are around...
I actually have! It seems
I actually have! It seems like a good idea then I think how the family would never be blended because they would never even know each other. Is that a solution or me just being selfish? I don't know. And it leaves no time alone form him and I either - again, is this being selfish?
not necessarily... I mean,
not necessarily... I mean, they only see each other 4 days out of the month as it is... maybe you could reconstruct the weekday time as well, so you could have one day during the week everyone together... much easier to handle one day after school, once a week, than 48 consecutive hours of chaos every 2 weeks...
say, you have them Tuesday/Wednesday instead of Monday... he has them Wednesday/Thursday.... then alternate weekends... everyone is together on Wednesdays... you have a few days to relax until the weekend...and a much needed kid free night on Monday to recoup from the weekend...
That is an idea. I could
That is an idea. I could talk to my ex. We are flexible. My fiances schedule is not flexible at all because his ex is difficult and does everything in her power to cause arguments.
You can probably expect, in
You can probably expect, in that case, that it's going to get a whole lot worse with BM once you actually do move in together.
Most likely - but my faince
Most likely - but my faince is a lawyer and he nips her arguments in the butt pretty quickly and she stops. Unfortunately, the SD gets the brunt of her anger and then it comes home to us. Hence, her behavior at times.
WOW - I commend you on that!
WOW - I commend you on that! I could never afford to do that. I am an over thinker and I dont think that helps this situation. I am not giving my fiance enough credit. I am assuming he won't be responsive to my feelings, when he has always bben responsive to anything. I just have not brought this up - yet!
Keep your own house. Keep
Keep your own house. Keep your own house. Keep your own house.
And don't count on 18 being a magical disappearing age.